Monday, July 30, 2007


This is an entry that Sir thought would be good to write about. What is it that interests me in re-discovering my bi sexual side. Well truth be told, i originally starting thinking about it once again when i first met Sir and He asked me about my sexual past. The fact that i have been with more women than men intrigued Sir and asked me why i had stopped. Well that was for a number of reasons, mainly because i lost interest as i got older. There are a number of issues as to why i lost interest....time for honesty. lol Way back when, almost 8 years ago i was actively bisexual and i ended up in a vanilla relationship where that fact was taken advantage of. So much so that i walked away not only from women but my significant other as well. i will leave it at that.
Enter in Sir. lol Such a difference in mindsets. First of has been long enough for me to let go of my anger and resentment. Secondly, i am older and now have a better understanding of what attraction really is and what i am attracted to. Thirdly and in some ways most importantly, i am in a dynamic where i am encouraged to discover this side of myself without any pressure or judgment. i think in some ways that is what has been the largest factor. Sir has never pressured me to be bi-sexual, instead He has let me come to it and start to re-discover it on my own time. He lets me write out fantasies and never tells me that they are non-realistic, in fact the opposite. He loved the one i wrote earlier in my blog and i must admit i was ecstatic that He enjoyed it so much. Truly, one of the major reasons why i am freely discovering this side of myself is because i would love to serve Him in that manner and to be able to fully immerse myself in what ever He has happen. So yes, my submission to Sir also plays a large part. Okay that and i have this major thing for breasts and to play with! lol my personal favorite thing on a woman.....maybe because i love my own so much. But i am also encouraged to explore what really attracts me to women, the stuff besides the physical. You know when there is something else there, something to which i have not been able to put words to as of yet... i suppose i speak of a chemistry of sorts that goes beyond sexual attraction. Possibly a mental connection of sorts but i am still figuring out that one. Re-discovering this side of me interests me the most i think because of how many doors it opens for Sir and our exploration, not only in the sense of a poly-dynamic but in other ways as well. i am excited to explore this side of myself, it is yet another nuance that makes up who i am, one that was buried long ago, but now is able to resurface in a dynamic where it can grow with trust, encouragement and guidance and yet without pressure. A wonderful place to start i think.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


Yesterday was a lot of fun...nerve wracking in some ways but very fun lol. Sir and i were speaking on the phone when He decided to give me an "endurance" task of sorts, a nice surprise addition to my day idea He adapted from a blog He and i both read and enjoy very much. The point of the exercise was to over-stimulate me sexually without being allowed to cum and Sir made it challenging indeed. The instructions He gave to me were as follows. For 15 minutes i was to insert my egg vibe into my cu*t and turn it on high. After those 15 allotted minutes were up i was to turn off the egg vibe (but not take it out) grab my other vibe, turn it on high and press it against the hood of my clit for anther 15 minutes. After that i was to turn it off and turn the egg vibe back on for 15 minutes and then turn it off and use my other vibe on my clit for the last 15 minutes. So an hour total. Now here is the fun part, describing what happened. lol
After Sir gave me my instructions He asked me if there was anything that i need to do...i told Him i had about 10 minutes worth of dishes and that was it. He then told me i could wash dishes during the first 15 minutes when i had the egg vibe in. He then said that He had some things He needed to attend to and told me that He would call near the end of this task, then said goodbye. The first round (round one--ding ding- lol) wasn't that hard because i was doing least i thought it wouldn't be hard.....i was so wrong. lol It actually became hard to do the cu*t got so wet and sensitive and sometimes my cu*t would squeeze the vibe and that made it so much harder. i wasn't trying body was just very actively responding to the sensations. When round two started and i had to use the vibe on my clit i honestly thought i was But i turned off the egg vibe and placed the other one on my clit on high. Omg....i had this intense rush of orgasm hit me like a tidal wave after about 30 seconds. In our conversation Sir had given me permission to do what ever else i needed to do so i wouldn't cum so i removed the vibe immediately. i honestly waited about a min before putting it back on but after what seemed just like a couple of minutes i hadto remove it again and this time i kept it off for about 2 minutes. The third time i attempted this i almost came again in the span of just a couple of minutes and i was about to go mind was dead set on not cumming as Sir instructed but my body had it's own idea of what should happen. lol So off it came for a third time and i waited a minute before putting it back on. i felt that orgasm building once again but i tried to hold it off this time instead of just removing the vibe...mostly because i was really really enjoying the sensations and didn't want it to stop unless i absolutely had to. When the timer went off to switch to the egg vibe i had to take a deep breath. my body was so close to cumming even with me holding off that it was actually hard stopping.....but i did it and i was happy that i did. By this time i was so wet that my inner thighs were soaking...and when i turned the egg vibe on high i felt the stirrings of an orgasm happen. Oh my goodness....i was in complete overdrive. The egg was easier to handle though so that was a good thing and then Sir called. He asked me how i was fairing and i know my voice broke telling Him that i was doing well. He asked me how many times i almost came and i told Him three. While the egg vibe was in and on He had me turn on my messenger and then my cam. my heart rate had been a while since Sir used me and even longer with the cam. i felt like i did when i was first asked to masturbate on the cam ...nervous anticipation. Sir had me pull out the egg vibe and place it on my clit and then had me slowly start fucking myself with my other vibe. i knew that it pleased Him to see me on the cam so that is what i focused on. After about 2 or 3 minutes though i just let myself go....enjoyed the fact that Sir was using me, the desire and arousal coursing through my body, the fact that i was pleasing Him. Since i am an exhibitionist as well... i enjoyedthe mental picture that He was simple relaxing at home watching me do as He bidded...which was being His slut at the moment. Within minutes i was asking Sir if His slut may please have permission to cum for Him and He (thankfully) gave me permission to do so with no hesitation. Big orgasm for me....yay!! lol Normally after i cum Sir has me stop what i am doing but not this time....the egg vibe stung a little for about 30 seconds and then pleasure hit. Sir had me start fu*king myself harder and faster and i just got into it. Moaning, twisting a little (if i had a third hand i would have begged Sir to let me play with my nipples to be honest lol) and just enjoyed the sensations He was allowing. Sir tells me that within a couple of minutes (i had no concept of time at this point) i was asking Him once again if His slut may have permission to cum for Him. i remember doing that and i also remember Him telling me no. lol That was hard. i had to push back the urge so hard i thought i almost lost it, but i didn't. It would fade back and then hit full force all over again. Finally i couldn't take it anymore and i asked Sir again if i may please cum for Him....trying to put how hard it was becoming into my tone and He told me to beg, and i did. my brain just wanted to stick with saying please over and over and But another part of my brain said that saying please would not convey how much i wanted to cum for Him, so i just begged. i remember at one point saying "Sir, please, please, i am begging You, please please may Your slut have permission to cum for You?" i was beyond caring what i sounded like at that point...and please still ended up in that sentence quite a few times. lol i don't remember how loud i was, or what my tone sounded like, all i knew is that i needed and wanted to communicate how badly i wanted to cum for Him and that was all that mattered at that moment. Then He said "chai....cum." The tone He used is one i have written about before, that tone of total Dominance, a little raw and yet so sensual in it's own right, it's one that i never question or have to even think about responding to....i just do. On a side note, that tone never fails to send a shiver down my spine and make my nipples they are now. lol Well He said that and in about 30 seconds i had such a hard orgasm that i couldn't make many sounds (that and my head was bent backwards)....i am pretty sure i squeaked a few times and my breath and whole body was so shaky afterward that i was afraid that i couldn't stand up. After i had calmed down a little (enough to speak at any rate) i thanked Sir for using me and for allowing me to cum for Him. Then something happened... i became unbelievably shy. i was covering my face, i couldn't look Him in the eyes (so to speak).....and i am pretty sure i was blushing. Wow...i haven't been that shy in front of Sir (at least not when He is using me at any rate) in a long time. Sir then had me stand up and get into Pos.3 and then finish the position by spreading myself for Him. Vulnerable is the word that comes to mind. i was so shy anyways that doing this made me want to blush so badly. my heart was pounding and i actually wondered how long He wanted me to stay in that position. Even though i was so very shy i was still so very much in a submissive mindset, i was just shy while doing it. After that Sir had me sit back down and He and ichatted for a few minutes while the shyness slowly melted away. Not all the way but enough to where i could look straight at the cam without covering my face after about 5 seconds.

Overall it was so much fun to do, and it ended up trying my submission in different ways. First not cumming and the being naked in front of the cam, begging without restraint and then the feelings and shyness afterward, even while in pos.3. Just simply amazing and fun. i went to work that day still a little blushing (a co-worker called me "glowy") and i thought about what happened pretty much all day. i loved being in that deep mental state of submission
that He puts me in and really loved the way in which He decided to do it. Talk about a surprise....lucky for me i like surprises. lol Definitely a lot of fun.... trying at times but still so very fun.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Piercing thoughts

Well i told you i would write about possibly getting pierced, so here it is. lol It started when Sir was letting me tiptoe around the subject of becoming collared as His slave. i can't remember how the subject came up, but we discussed it far enough to decide that i would need a titanium ring to get pierced with and He and i even looked at some web-sites about piercing and even looked at jewelry. i won't lie, i was looking for a white gold one....on that note..if anyone who reads this has any piercing jewelry sites that they love, please feel free to post them in the comment section. Okay, back on topic. When Sir mentioned that He has thought about having that done as a way of marking His slave as His (remember, this was before He just bluntly asked me about my intentions for this upcoming visit) my heart sped up and for a few reasons. The thought of getting my hood pierced made me nervous and yet it was exciting at the same time.
i was nervous because i had never really thought about getting that part of me pierced and the image of having my legs spread and my cu*t exposed to a complete stranger who is holding a sharp needle in their hand hits a spot. If i thought to do this on my own, it would never get done because i would wimp out every time and i know it. lol But hence the difference in mindsets. Doing it because it is something Sir wants done and the fact that He will be there makes it okay, something although i would still be nervous about and a bit uncomfortable, but something i could ultimately handle. i think that this is one of those situations where i because of my submission to Sir, i am able to do something i normally would not or could not do. As i have said before, my submission to Sir gives me that strength. The image i have in my head is asking Sir for His permission to hold His hand while probably burying my head in His waist...or crotch...whichever level my head is at while laying down. lol Now that could be a nice distraction if Sir allows it although i know He could have me lay there with no distractions at all. i definitely see me using my submission greatly at that time, because my initial instinct would probably be to close my On a different note though, getting pierced is exciting because even though no one else will see it, Sir and i will know it's there. Taking in the fact that from some of the girls i know who have their hoods pierced, they tell me the surprise is worse than the actual piercing happening. That makes me feel a little better. Also, i must admit i like the idea of having that done, if and when Sir desires it, as a marking of my slavery to Him. i know that that idea might bother some but i am rather comfortable with the whole concept. Sir, being honest, also likes the idea that the little ball (called a captive bead) can provide a lot of stimulation while i am walking...that could become very challenging yet so much fun and somehow i am sure He has other ideas in His So overall when i think of actually getting my hood pierced i feel anticipation, nervousness, a tad bit uncomfortable (the whole stranger/needle thing) and yet comfortable in a way and excited, and Sir hasn't even told for sure that He wants that done! lol Sometimes i over think things, but i have learned that that is the best way for me to wrap my head around something that may or will happen. Nervous, yes, excited yes, totally worth it if He desires it? Definitely.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Six Months

Today is the official marking of 6 months as Sir's submissive. 6 months of learning, exploring and changing with Sir. He and i have made the comment more than once, that it seems longer than that. We say "way back when" and laugh because it really hasn't been that long, it is just that i have grown so much in that period of time, it seems longer. As i look back at every single entry i have ever posted, i see the difference in the things i learned in just one month and how much i grew as the time passed. i woke up this morning in such an excellent mood....remembering everything and knowing that there is still so much more to come. When my submission was still in it's infancy, i could feel that part of me but i did not understand it. i knew i wanted to serve and please Him but i did not know to what extent. i started out with quite a few limits..all of which have melted away. i really can't even say needle play/piercing is a limit because Sir and i have discussed getting my hood pierced as a marking of being owned. me, the same one who could barely sit still to get her ears pierced a second Would i be a little scared to get that done? Nervous and uncomfortable? Yes and even though i would be, i would do it in a heartbeat if it pleased Sir to have that done. Best part there is even excitement wrapped in there as well. (that, i think, will be my next entry) Today is a special occasion so i am going to get a bit mushy on you. In the six months i have known Sir, i have learned more about myself than i ever thought i could. 6 months...a milestone. Not the first we have had, but the first in relation to time. i never thought of floggers, or canes before Sir, i never trusted anyone to tie me down or blindfold me, never willingly given my control to Another and i never thought i would find that part of myself that always seemed to be missing. i found that part of myself when i first logged onto a web site about BDSM and even then i did not fully understand what it meant to be submissive. i did not start to understand it's depth or it passion until i became Sir's submissive. He truly has been my Mentor, my Friend, my Guide, and my Dominant. Every time He walks into the room my eyes lower, almost every time He commands me to do something my head bows slightly with the words "Yes Sir", when He walks around His house in nothing but a pair of jeans (so natural and sexy) my stomach tightens up and i cannot help but stare... remembering Him in black so delectable. i personally think that Sir is incredibly sexy, although He says i am biased....and perhaps He is right but i cannot see how i could not find His intelligence (i go for that big time) His eyes, His smile, His voice, His body and really His overall demeanor and attitude sexy. If that makes me biased then so be it. lol When He has me in sub-space i know i can free fall for i know He will watch over me, when He allows me to suck His co*k i am enthralled with the privilege and eroticism of it all and whenever, however i am allowed to serve and please Him, even just the thought of it, i am reminded as to why i am happy to be submissive and His submissive at that. 6 months of realization. One of the reasons why i am so excited to become His slave is because i love serving Him and my only desire is to do so. i desire to be owned by Him, i trust Him to give Him all of my control, knowing that He always has my best interests at heart, including if i need to be punished. i am strong, smart, beautiful in Sir's eyes (His are the only ones that matter) and i am a bit willful about some things and very shy about others. Every time i am at His feet i am proud knowing i am His, for His pleasure and His use and yet so very humbled knowing i am only there because He allows it. i have learned, from an excellent example-orgasm control, what it means to put His pleasure really before my own. To do so and not be angry or upset but to feel totally fulfilled and happy just knowing i have pleased Him. Learning all of this and more has been an incredible journey and all in just the span of 6 months. i am very grateful that i met Sir and that He saw in me the depth of submission i could not see in myself and am more than honored that i am allowed to be there as He pushes His own boundaries and limits. So much has happened and to know that there is still so much left to long as i am allowed to be at His feet, what more could this subbie wish for? my answer.....absolutely nothing and i couldn't be happier.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Today Sir had me start back with my butt plug training for our up coming visit. i am to put it in every time i do my meditation for 15 minutes, in the morning and at night. This morning was day 1 and although Sir has given me a couple of tasks to do with my butt plug, it had been a while since i had it in and just felt it there. It took a little bit to get it in and that feeling of being stretched was most apparent, yet enjoyable in it's own way. i wasn't going anywhere or doing anything so my mind was completely focused on my submission and the feeling of the plug in my ass. Somewhere around the 10 minute mark, my mind started to go in different directions. Part of me wanted to take it out, i think mostly because all i could do was feel the fullness without being able to move and the other part of me thought about what it felt like to move the plug in and out. i had to take a deep breath, re-focus myself and use my submission. i couldn't and wouldn't take the plug out, even though it felt a little uncomfortable and i definitely wasn't going to masturbate. i had in my mind that this is something Sir wanted me to do, even if it was a little uncomfortable at first. So i just stayed there kneeling and focused on my submission, what it meant to me, how it has grown and how thankful i am to have Sir to guide and teach me. The thought of Him using me popped into my mind which i tried to ignore....i have been thinking of servicing Him, submitting to His desires and how He uses me for His pleasure enough without the plug in. lol One thing that did cross my mind when thinking of how my submission has grown was exploring golden showers with Sir and how i look forward to exploring that further. i would say that i also thought of how my perception of submission has changed...well maybe not really changed but grown in it's understanding of what it means to me. So all of these thoughts were what i was concentrating on during my meditation. Re-starting my butt plug training is something that Sir desired me to do and i am very happy that i can please Him in this manner, by doing as i am told everyday, keeping up with my daily rituals and of course in any way that i can and in this case, my butt plug training during my meditation. More to unfold i am sure and i cannot wait until my visit!

Monday, July 16, 2007


i am writing this entry really about sex. Sort of anyways...more of the fact that something that Sir has been trying to instill within me has just clicked recently. As you have read, one of my fears is letting the physical become to important, to where the emotional and mental aspect of my submission to Sir takes a back seat to the physical. Well Sir has been patiently guiding me to realize and accept that enjoying the physical aspect of our dynamic in no way demeans how much i love to serve Him outside that realm. i will admit that my brain has been fighting Him on that, convinced that it was either one or the other. However, this past week Sir and i have had a few discussions about that which has helped greatly in my understanding. But also keep in mind that it is one thing to read or speak out it and another to actually experience it. This is where realization and acceptance comes into play. This past week or so i have been extremely horny and aroused, i am even that now actually while i am writing. lol i definitely have had sex on the brain, almost every time i lay down something pops into my head weather it be sex, or erotic pain (i miss getting spanked by Sir (SO much), servicing and pleasuring Him by sucking His cock and i honestly miss the cane....just thinking about that......again with my head going into the submissive gutter...see what i mean?) But even with all the physical and erotic thoughts running through my head, i get that immense rush of happiness and joy at the thought of cooking Him breakfast, bathing Him, giving Him massages, cleaning for Him and generally making His life easier and more comfortable. Thus i have found balance within myself. In a way, service to Him in the "domestic" manner and sexual manner are in the same realm. They both please Him and i love to serve and please Him in any way He allows. They both have their own unique emotional and mental aspects within them and one is just as important as the other. i suppose that because i recognize those differences in my own mindset is the reason why i have always separated the two. i have read some blogs where the submissive's mindset is the same whether she is washing the dishes or serving sexually and that is perfectly okay. i just can't do that. my mindset changes slightly when He desires for me to serve Him sexually vs washing His dishes. "changing gears" to fit the situation is probably the best way i could sum up my perception on that. The whole point is that even this past week where i have been horny enough to where it felt like all i was thinking about was sex, it wasn't all that i was thinking about when i stopped and thought about it. i thought plenty of times about my upcoming visit and how much i look forward to serving Him in the "domestic" matters and (of course) my asking Him His permission to become His slave. i think that in my mind the two aspects are starting to merge....slowly and carefully, but merging nonetheless. i don't think that "domestic" and sexual service will ever be approached the same in my mind...but being able to fully accept the physical side of my submission for what it is has enabled me to "let go" of some of my sexual shyness. Hopefully more will follow. Further growth, further understanding and acceptance...all of it taking place, just in it's own time.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


This entry today is about voyeurism and i am discovering that i may very well have a side of me that enjoys that. The reason why i am putting it in terms like that is because i have yet to actually experience watching people do anything sexual in r/l. To be honest i have only watched one real scene from a porn flick and i wasn't looked staged, the reactions not real, which isn't very surprising but for goodness sakes, it was really boring!i got more aroused watching soft porn on Sir has very creatively brought out my exhibitionist side and now i am starting to realize that i have a voyeur side as well. Sir has had me play with myself in front of my mirror so i was watching myself but for some reason it never came across to me as a voyeur activity. It really has been only recently, since Sir has asked me about my fantasies with Him and dallas that i have played with the idea in my head of just watching dallas please Sir in any way. i must admit that i have found the idea of dallas servicing Sir in that manner very erotic and arousing. At first in every fantasy, it was dallas and i with Sir right in the middle or somewhere watching...either way He was definitely involved and He still is. It is just that now sometimes i think about dallas watching me suck Sir's cock (she once said she would enjoy) which hit on my exhibitionist side. Then i started thinking about just watching Sir use her or her servicing Him. my first initial reaction was more along the lines that perhaps would be too intense for me to handle.....but even with that initial reaction, with the images still in my head, a touch of strong arousal came through. It took me a few days to really wrap my head around the fact that i found that very arousing for that was not something i had actually thought about in detail. Now, i think i would love to watch Sir's face as He uses dallas....i must admit that i have always wondered about the look in His eyes when He is using me sexually or when He brings out His canes, crop and other various implements of erotic pain. i do know that whenever He is using me in any way, i can feel His energy and Dominance all around's kind of weird really. If His attitude changes, i can actually feel the intensity change in the air and in His hands. Sir once told me, a while back, that my submission feeds His Dominance and vise versa...that basically it is one big circle and we feed off one another. That could be a very interesting entry i think.....So again the idea of me being allowed to watch Him use dallas does hit an arousal spot with me. The look in His eyes, His voice when He speaks to her, her reactions, gasps and moans, the way He moves around her to do what He wishes, not only feeling that aura of strength and sexuality and Dominance emit from Him, but to actually see i am very aroused with that little mental picture, complete with surround sound. lol Big breath and back on topic. So far the only people i have envisioned watching has been Sir and dallas, i am not sure if i am ready to think of anyone else just yet, even complete strangers. One step at a time. lol Now my head is in the submissive gutter and i've got images. Last night i told Sir about a fantasy that had popped into my head of watching dallas suck His cock on the web-cam. i stuttered, giggled and hesitated when trying to tell Sir but i managed to get it out. i am still working on the whole admitting when i am horny and what my desires and fantasies entail but Sir has been very patient with me. i also told Him about an erotic dream i had the involved all three of us and that was a little bit easier to say...but i still giggled. lol All in all i would have to say that i think exploring my voyeur side with Sir could be a rather interesting and fun part of my journey with Him.

Monday, July 9, 2007


This entry is about emotional needs. i am writing this because i have begun to realize things about myself. Although i have done an excellent job of remaining un-emotional about most things and using logic as a back drop to almost every conversation i have, i have come to realize that i am indeed an emotional person. For example, a few night's ago Sir and i were talking and He asked me why i was able to go straight to sleep when i was with Him and yet keep such god-awful sleeping patterns when i am away from Him. i had the instant urge to crack a joke and tell Him it was because i am more tired by the end of night when i am with Him. *wink wink* lol That is true by the way but not the point in this case. For some reason my mind steered itself in a different direction. Towards honesty. i told Him it was because when i am with Him i am not stressed, my mind slows down and i am calm. That i feel protected and safe when i am with Him. The desire to tell Him the truth outweighed my fear of exposing my emotional self. i have been doing that more and more lately..... i think i described it as discovering my softer side. i am also discovering that i "need" to feel....that i can't really function without doing so. Before i met Sir i somehow managed to convince myself that emotions were not needed in any format, including relationships. After a while i became afraid to feel, terrified of opening that door. my friendships with my closest friends even suffered because of this. As you have read in this journal, there have been a few times that i have had to make the conscious decision to feel. This is something Sir has been working on with me slowly, from day one. With His gentle guidance i have been slowly discovering that emotional side of me and i think that our dynamic has been made so much better for it. Even my friends have noticed a difference, they say i am not as "cut off" as i used to be. Showing myself emotionally is still kind of hard and if i am really upset about something i usually take a day to think about it so i can really look at why i am upset so i can explain it better. i think that is just being responsible to make sure you don't over exaggerate something or have a lot of drama in your life. When i say i "need" to feel in order to function it simply means that if i cannot feel i cannot be. This pertains to pretty much every aspect of my life. i don't think i could truly be a friend to someone if i did not harbor that affection towards them....i wouldn't be able to relate or sympathize. Switching gears, lets take that philosophy to my submission to Sir. If i did not feel that submission within me, if i did not feel the desire to serve, then what i would pretty much end up doing is laying there and "just taking it", or do chores while sighing and rolling my eyes. i suppose that is why i emphasize so often in my blog not only the respect and trust i have in Sir, but also the friendship we share and how deep my emotions run concerning my desire to serve Him. i need to feel that and i need to be allowed to do so. Through all this i have come to better understand the difference between need and want. When i first started speaking with Sir and the foundation of our dynamic was building, i was still in the mindset that i didn't need emotions. So i felt that i wanted that friendship and connection. As i have traveled further in my journey, i have come to realize that i actually need that emotional backing and involvement, however nervous i feel about it at times. On the same thought, it is also like i need to be punished...not because i like it but because i beat myself up enough if i disappoint or disobey Sir. Being given a punishment not only helps me learn it also helps me move on. i remember one time when i had disrespected Sir by not using His title as i should i was given a punishment. He then told me that it was best to get my punishment over with so we could both move on. Another example of this would be the time i left the room without His permission and He told me not to adjust the cam to watch me crawl back to my room. If you remember i took that quite hard....what i didn't realize at the moment is that Sir did not enjoy saying that at all, but He saw the need for the correction and the lesson. After i returned and we spoke and He issued the punishment for the offense, He could still see me on the cam and saw that i was still beating myself up over it. In all honesty i did not feel better until after i had completed my punishment...i then was able to let go and move on. So punishments, however the form, is something i also need.Going deeper within myself (now this is getting tough to write), i also need to feel wanted, protected and cherished. Here is where an interesting mix of emotions and logic combines. i need to feel wanted because i desire to give so much of my time and energy and submission to Sir that if i felt unwanted, i wouldn't be able to function, i would feel useless. On a logical note, why give someone something they don't want? i need to feel protected and cared for, i need to feel safe regardless what is happening or what Sir is doing. Logical note, why be with someone you do not trust or feel safe around? As for being cherished....i like the actual definition of the word which is, to treat with affection and tenderness. As for a thesaurus, i like those words too...adored, friendly, precious, safe, valuable and accepted. With all those words i don't think there is much left to say about needing to be cherished.i see myself as lucky. Sir encourages me to be honest, even if i am nervous about doing so. He has always embraced our friendship and He has never told me i could not feel. He understands that sometimes it is hard for me to do so but doesn't push me farther than i can handle and is patient when i have an emotional overload, although i try not to have out-bursts often. He knows that i have a hard time moving on if i disappoint Him and has always been supportive in helping me do so, even if it involves being punished for He knows that it helps me to learn and move on. i have always felt wanted, protected and cherished in our dynamic and i seriously doubt i will ever feel different. Re-reading this i can see how much i have grown and how much i have learned about myself with Sir's guidance and it only makes me even more certain that this journey to becoming His slave, to give all of myself to serve Him faithfully, is something i desire to do with all of my heart.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Poll Results

Here are the poll results.....

In a long distance relationship, how does your Dominant keep the dynamic strong?

Giving me tasks to do~~ 1 vote

Doing His daily rituals~~ 3 votes

Connecting with Him on a daily basis via phone, I.M. or email~~ 1 vote

Keeping a journal for Him to read~~ 0 votes

Saying your affirmations~~ 2 votes

Other~~ 0 votes

Thursday, July 5, 2007


Excited excited excited!!! There is an added element to my upcoming visit with Sir. A very private (just between the two of us) collaring ceremony of sorts where Sir will present to me a new collar. A slave collar. Sir last night asked me about my intentions of asking Him His permission to become His slave this upcoming visit and i stayed quiet. He had been letting me tiptoe around the subject for the past couple of weeks, probably knowing what was on my mind. He remained patient, not pushing the subject any farther than i was ready. Last night He pretty much just put it out there and i froze inside my mind. i really should not have been surprised...but i think it was one of those moments where in your mind it's no big deal...but come the real thing it becomes a whole different story. Since i stayed quiet Sir asked me if He was being presumptuous. i closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What i was about to say held an importance to me. He and i had spoken about what it would be like for me to become His slave. i knew that my words, albeit not what i have in mind to say to Him when the time comes, was still a verbal confirmation of my intentions. my heart was pounding but when i looked inside myself i knew the answer, crystal clear and sure. i told Him, "no Sir, You are not being presumptuous." i then told Him that i had been thinking lately of how to ask Him His permission to become His slave.....but how do you put into words the amount of trust you have in one person? The friendship, respect and loyalty? Ultimate surrender? How do you express the joy you find in serving Another and the happiness you feel in being allowed to do so? How you feel pride at receiving the title slave yet so humbled at the same time? Can you truly put that depth of emotion and submission into words? Can all of that really be put into a question? Let me get a bit mushy, yet honest, on you for a minute. Although my asking Sir is important and i am sure He will carefully listen to my words, i also have the strongest feeling that He will be reading the question in my eyes more than listening to it come out of my mouth. Somehow i won't be surprised if my eyes fill with tears during this time. i had once asked myself if i was putting too much emotion in the aspect of becoming Sir's slave but i have come to realize that i would not be happy or really be able to function with anything less. (i am currently writing an entry about that as well) i have written quite a few times about becoming a slave, so those who have read my entries know that this decision was not lightly made and that i have been thinking about it for quite a while. The collaring being very private makes me very happy and filled with anticipation. i am not sure when or really how this will occur, what exactly will happen during or after, i just know that it will happen. That is one thing Sir and i agreed on...that a big collaring ceremony was not for us. i think from a selfish standpoint (being honest) if i am going to bare myself to that extent, i think i would rather it be only Sir and i. On the same train of thought of becoming collared as Sir's slave, there is the collar. Yes, i just have to go there. lol It is SO beautiful and He designed it Himself. He decided to show me a picture of it one day and i wanted to jump up and down with excitement. i wish i could put a pic of it up but i have to remain anonymous...but it is so pretty. It isn't "loud" or large, instead it is understated and refined...much like Sir's personality. i have written many times about how Sir's Dominance isn't loud but still so very apparent. So it "fits" quite nicely. The best part can't come off. Instead of an actual lock, it screws shut with a special screwdriver, so it cannot be removed by anyone but Sir and i love that. Last night Sir wrote in the chat box..slave chai...and i must admit i smiled.....big. lol Sir also stated that He Himself has been stumbling on the word "submissive" in regards to me, saying that i had been His slave in His mind for a while now. i agreed with Him...even within my own mind, somewhere along the way, the slave mindset had taken over. So now it really is just a matter of making it official. i know that my heart will be racing and i just hope that my mind doesn't go blank. By the time Sir actually puts that collar around my neck, i will have been His submissive for very nearly 7 months....and it is amazing how much things have changed, how much i have changed. i remember when i very first started out, how tentative and shy i was. (Still a little shy but that's okay lol) i remember how slow Sir moved with me, even when i wanted to jump in head first. All the things He has taught me, how gently He has guided me, the trust and friendship that has been built, everything gradually moving in this direction and i know that my journey and learning won't stop with me becoming His slave, in fact, i think becoming His slave will start a whole new aspect of our journey and exploration with each other. This is a big step in my mind, but it is one that i am so excited and willing to take. As i write this there is a calmness within me and a feeling of "right". Let me add in a very high level of anticipation as well. lol i would say there are perhaps 100 different emotions floating around in my head at the moment..... Officially becoming Sir's slave is something that i am greatly looking forward to. The trust i have in Him and my desire to serve Him unfailingly allows me to feel nothing but happiness, certainty and anticipation of being allowed to serve Him as His slave. He will be my Master, i will be His slave and at His feet is where i will always be most content.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

More reminders

The other day Sir gave me a task to do. i told Sir that i needed to go to the store sometime soon and Sir had me walk into my room and insert my butt plug. He then told me that i should go to the store sometime in the next two hours, since He did not want me to have the plug in longer than that. i told Him that it would not be a problem and that i would go soon. He then told me that i also was going to put my egg vibe in my cu*t and keep it off until i got to the store. When i stepped out of my car i was to turn it onto med during my shopping trip, until i got to checkout. i then was to turn it on high until i was finished there and back in my car. All of this i had no problem with, completely confident and relaxed until Sir told me...."Also you are not to wear any underwear..oh, and put on your short jean skirt as well. you have permission to wear regular sandals, so you can be as casual as possible." Omg.....i haven't worn my short jean skirt in quite some time and the thought of the plug and the vibe in at the same time with no underwear made me pause big time. i went into my closet and and pulled out my skirt and my heart started to race a little and the urge to giggle came. i took a steadying breath and Sir and i spoke for a little bit longer. When He and i got off the phone i got ready to go. Skirt, top, sandals and then i put the egg vibe in to accompany the plug that Sir had me put in earlier. i went out to my car, opened the door and remembered my protocol wearing skirts. So i lifted my skirt and sat down in my car. If i thought doing my protocol on a normal basis was nerve-wracking, doing it with a butt plug and vibe in was just........there are no words. lol Oh my goodness...just thinking about getting out of the car made me giggle. For once i really wasn't paying attention to how it felt having to sit down on the plug and drive, my mind was too focused on getting out of the car the way i am supposed to and walking through the store wearing this incredibly short jean skirt. Nervousness and anticipation became intertwined. Getting out of the car was Thank goodness there weren't too many people about and walking through the store was interesting. i had to bend down just right, all the time. When i got to checkout i was so aroused from the vibe and the plug that i couldn't help but think "keep calm.....breath slowly and smile." i turned the vibe on high and i definitely became very aroused and wet. Something fell out of my cart and i had to bend down to get it. i did this very carefully since i was almost out of there and i didn't really want people to see the plug. When i finally got to my car and turned the vibe off, once again i felt the urge to rock my hips...just like the last time Sir had me go to the toy store. But i didn't so i was pleased with myself. Ever since the chocolate incident i try to be aware of what i am doing when i am aroused. This task was very interesting because i had to wear a short skirt with no underwear and usually i wear pants, so it was a completely different emotional state i was in than usual. i think i am still rather shy and it was hard to keep from blushing in the store. i must admit that i had fun with this task although it certainly pushed my shy button a bit. The last time Sir did this i was at the mall and although i wasn't as nervous about it, it was still nerve-wracking this time as well. Again more reminders of my submission to Sir and i loved every minute of it.