Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Orgasms, pushes and triggers

This is an entry on my jumbled thoughts.....i can't sleep so i figure i will start this now. Thoughts on some of you have read from the beginning, i have always had a problem with orgasms. Or rather, the lack of. Master is right when He says my body has on and off days. Some days it is really easy and others.....i feel as though i could try everything and it still not happen. It really sucks when i really really want to have one to. It really has become a sensitive issue with me, pretty much on my part. Master is accepting and doesn't pressure me or tell me i have to have one but.....i still end up putting all that pressure on myself, which could be rather counter-productive to what i (or Master) am trying to do. Delving deeper into myself, i think that i am so concerned about not pleasing Master, that i let it interfere with what is going on. i learned this lesson long ago that if Master is displeased, He will tell me but i guess it is lesson i have to relearn and accept.

In my last entry, i left of saying that things are harder the first time around.....but not always. Here are my thoughts on that issue. A lot of things are easier the second time Master does it. A perfect example of something that wouldn't be easier the second time, but harder, would be Master having me walk with the nipple clamps attached to my cunt lips and nipples. See that entry here. What makes it harder is not the physical difficulty but rather the emotional aspect. you see, i fully remember how it made me feel the first time and in vivid color. i remember how hard it was, how i wanted to cry but i wanted so badly to do as i was told, regardless of how it made me feel, i knew it would please Him. Having to do it a second time *shudder* would be soooo much harder. It would have a larger effect on me. That is where being pushed comes in. Even though it would be enormously difficult, i like being pushed by Master and sometimes i like being pushed, hard. Even if it makes me cry.....which is something that i have found not only connects me deeply to my submission to Master but also gives the buildup of emotions from the scene or whatever else is going on in my life direction and guidance. i am one of those people who doesn't really let myself cry. When i am around Master, He lets me cry and i feel safe doing so because i know He isn't going to leave me alone if i do so. biggest fear about being left alone, abandoned to cry my heart out and being made to feel what is going on is completely unimportant to someone else. Master will not do this but being honest, i have had so many people in my life walk away in disgust when i start crying, that is has become a protective instinct. my brain and my heart knows that He will hold me and let me cry my when He pushed me in a scene to that point. Master just held me, rubbed my back, whispered soothing words and told me it was okay. i just wish that i could push those "walls" back down as easily as i can put them up. *sigh* More things to work on within myself.....but i am more than determined to do so. More on pushing....i wish i could be pushed easier. lol i have a lot of strength in my arms and legs and my pain tolerance in actually pretty high. Although Master did one scene where He used the cane on the underside of my breasts and lol That pushed me....pretty easily really. i was actually a little surprised..... normally with breast or nipple play it is hard to get me to start cringing and whining but Master got me there in less than 5 minutes! It was pretty cool actually. Maybe it is a matter of being pushed fast instead of hard.....or a combo of both. If anything, i will leave the details to Master....He knows what can push me over the edge, that knowledge is His alone.

Okay, now onto triggers. Master and i had a discussion on what triggers my submission. He said that physical pain is a big trigger for me, which is very true. But i thought about it some more and when i am daydreaming about being with Him, there are a few things in my mind that always remain constant. So here goes.

Being "petted". This has happened often and it never fails to bring me to that peaceful, submissive mindset. When i am kneeling at His feet, His hand running over my head, i feel small, owned and very submissive. i won't insert anything about feeling like a pet because it certainly doesn't make me want to wag my "tail" or anything like that and although i do find puppy/pony play interesting, it isn't for me.

Kneeling- Often in my daydreams, simple kneeling at His feet, in pos.6, my head lightly resting at the base of His feet will bring to me a sense of my submission. In some of my daydreams i cry, simply because i am so happy to have the privilege to serve Him, please be allowed to be His slave. Simply tears from my submission and joy.

Master's hand on the back of my neck or in my hair. Even gentle but firm pressure can give me pause and instantly being me to a submissive mindset. (as well as cause arousal-if i may add-lol)

Calling me "slave girl" It is a nickname, like cutie, that Master calls me often. Come to think of it, He doesn't use my name that often....which i don't mind for a couple of reasons. 1) i know who i am and i am not likely to forget. lol i have a good sense of self so i don't miss my name not being used. 2) Since Master doesn't use my name often when He does use it, it is often paired with a certain tone, which automatically makes me want to bow my head and reply "Yes Sir". Pretty interesting.

Another huge trigger....Master. He always says i am perceptive so i will say that Master has the unique ability to put me in a submissive mindset simply by the look on His face, the tone of His voice.....even just by the energy He is putting off. Hence why i have said in the past there are times, just by Him walking into the room, i have the innate urge to kneel. i am not saying that i dependent on Him to feel my submission, i feel that all the time but.....He can bring it out further with ease.

Hmmm...ahh yes, non-erotic humiliation. Being to told to walk in way described above was non-erotic but omg, it slammed me into such a submissive and humble mindset. The only erotic thought i had during that time was knowing that i was pleasing Master. i actually enjoy being pushed like that.....even if it is non-erotic. i guess that also puts triggers into the space of "having" to do something. i like it when Master "makes" me do something....

Cuffs, collar and leash-mmmmm. All three give me a sense of my submission, service and peace. they also make me feel a bit more like an owned slave and object which leads into objectification. i love is sooo arousing and i have gotten to the point were i can freely admit that i enjoy being told i am only good for fucking, that i am a good toy to play with, i am a slut.....all sorts of things. When i first met Master, words held little power and even less in the sexual realm. But now, Master can use words to make me feel all sorts of things...He has the power to do so.

Being held rope has it's own perfect, wonderful, erotic, arousing, submissive, vulnerable qualities that i will always crave and adore. But there have been times when Master will hold my wrists down when using me, pining me in a way that has it's omg qualities all on it's own. Master and i both know i am not going to go anywhere but the feel of His strength from His hands, His just soo.....egad, so wonderful! Even though we know i am not going anywhere....just His strength, His Dominance, is a vivid reminder as well as hugely arousing.

i think that is all for now...there are quite a few more but these are the ones that come to me with startling clarity. So these are my thoughts on all of these topics. If i think of anymore, i am sure i will post them at some point in time. But it was fun to write.....