The journey of a submissive

Birthday Gifts

2009-10-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone for taking so long with this, but here is the rest of my birthday adventure.

i asked if i may finish my wine and drank the rest before Master finished saying "you don't have to hurry up and drink it cutie." i grinned sheepishly and showed Him my glass. i am sure it was then that Master knew i was nervous. i followed Him into the bedroom and there before me, was my collar (did i mention i had it off for 22 days as a result of an infection?? yucky stuff) shining like it was all brand new!! i had asked for my collar to be polished for my birthday but when i saw it, i was so overcome with the joy of knowing it would finally be put back on and how beautiful it looked that i squealed and launched myself into Master's arms. He smiled at me and laughed, knowing how happy i was. i looked on the bed and saw the ankle and wrist cuffs. "Oh, my cuffs Sir" Again He smiled and spoke "position 4" i quickly kneeled down and lifted my hair so that He could put the collar back on. After that He proceeded to put the wrist cuffs on and spoke again to tell me to get into position 7. i laid on my back so that He may put on the ankle cuffs and when He was done, i was already drifting into happy subbieland. i stood and He told me to follow Him, which i did without question. As we approached the garage, i paused, wondering what He was doing. "Come here" "Oh, did You want me to help You get something Sir?" "No, just come here" His grin should have tipped me off (i was sooo clueless) Into the dungeon we walked. The past few months it has been serving as a storage room of sorts but when i walked in, a candle was lit and cast a soft glow over the room. Various toys, implements and floggers decorated the floor. "Ummm,. Sir?" A question, while i was still surprised. "I did this while you were out and in the shower cutie" A breathy sigh escaped me and the amount of appreciation and tenderness for my Master filled me. Out of all the words i said to Him, thank You Sir, was the most important and still could not convey all that i was feeling. To take the time and energy to empty it out, get it set up and to really think out what He wanted to do with spoke volumes to this slave. (i am such a lucky slave!!!) He didn't have to but since it was my birthday, He wanted to do something special. i stood there, unsure of what to do, unsure of what would happen next. He had me stand under a wood plank, put my arms above my head and my legs spread. He then started to tie me that way and a wave of excitement and curiosity filled me. "Umm, Sir, may i ask what is going to happen?" "What did you ask for, for your birthday?" "Ummm, for a scene?" "That wasn't it, think some more" Filled with an erotic sense of dread i answered along the lines of "A caning?" "Uh-no-that's not it" "Ummmm.........." "you asked for a beating slave girl" i gulped, remembering my request from just a week ago. "Yes Sir, i did" "And I am going to give you one." A slow....evil....sadistic.....sexy........wonderful smile appeared on Master's face. Ohhh boy, i knew i was in for it now. Silly slave.....i actually thought that He was going to be gentle on me.........

Happy Birthday

2009-09-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

i had a birthday recently and my whole day was fabulous!!!! Master decided on a haircut for me and goodness it is a lot shorter than i am used to! But it looks wonderful and i was so happy that Master was pleased with it. Going to get my haircut is always fun and yet, in some ways, complicated. Normally He and i (well....Him more than i haha) decide and then we go, where i explain what "i" want. This time, because the cut was so drastic, Master and i were unsure of going that short. So we went in, where i asked my hairdresser what she thought, and when she said she thought it would look great on me, i turned to Master and said "So.....what do You think??? i need an opinion before i do this!" In slave language this meant "Master, is this what You really want 'cause i need to know since i am nervous and You said You wanted it but i need confirmation before she chops it all off!! Pleeeaaaaseee tell me what You want!" LOL Truly, that is what was going through my brain. So.....Master said, "may as well as go the whole way" Which in Master speak equals "we spoke about this earlier and you said you liked it this is what I want so calm down and you'll be fine slave girl." See how i am learning this whole Master/slave speak??? *grin* Soo haircut was given and the look on Master's face was more than worth it! He loved it and i have to say- i look closer to my own age now! (about time hahaha) The best part is that when i wear a headband, i have this 60's-70's look which both Master and i are fond of. Even now, He'll look at me (like today), smile and say "Wow, what a great haircut! It looks good....I wonder who chose it?" *giggle* i always smile when He says that, since we both darn well know He did. The other part of my birthday was just as wonderful where Master decided to cook me dinner. Since i have known Him, He has become such a good chef and embellished recipes all the time. But this time, He wanted to do something special (and complicated) so i got to be His "sou chef". It is always fun working with Him in the kitchen....it is a time that brings us both close. At the end of the day, it is a time when we flirt, joke, relax and just have a great time being with each other. Well, on my birthday He made (and it was ever so yummy!) Porter-house steaks with a red wine reduction, a red wine risotto and a spinach and mushroom salad with a warn bacon vinaigrette. Add red wine and the wonderful company of Him, i had the best. dinner. ever! (spoiled slave!!) As it was my birthday, Master also let me use the dishwasher. What i didn't know or was expecting was what to come still that night. i asked if i may have permission to take a shower. Master gave me permission and in the same breath, told me to do my hair as well. It was something in His voice or His look, i don't know. But i knew something was up. i tried very hard to still the sudden rapid beating of my heart-to still the urge to my immediate nervousness. i did what i was told and as i hopped out of the shower with the cold air hitting my skin a feeling of anticipation filled me, even though nothing had been said otherwise. When i was finished, hair dry and styled, i came out to see Him on His computer. Somehow that calmed me......until He told me to go into the bedroom.

Remembering when........

2009-09-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

i was listening to some of my old cd's today and i came across a song that brought back some pretty vivid memories. When i listened to it, the amount of emotion and wonder i first felt when starting this journey with Master came back anew. How happy i suddenly felt...the elation and curiosity flooded my whole self. The shy part of me, the part that has faded through experiences and exploration....somehow, a simple song brought it all back. i had only known Him for a month and we were about to meet face to face for the first time. i'll admit it, i was smitten with Him from the beginning.....and that has become only a deeper and truer emotion through time as my submission to Him has also strengthened. i have the actual song here for those who like listening to music. (i strongly encourage it!!!!) But for those who just enjoy reading the words, here are the lyrics!

"Symptoms Of You"

There a good kind of pain
And insane kinda sane (when I'm around you [2x])

There a chill in the heat
Feel the sky at my feet cuz I adore you
I cant ignore you

[Chorus:]
I'm not ill I don't need to
Take a pill to fix what you do
Cure can't come through
Cuz baby all I do is suffer from
The symptoms of you

There is a left kinda right
There is a blind kinda sight
Looking at you [2x]
There is no light in the moon and its winter in June
When I'm without you [2x]

[Chorus]

And it trips me off my feet
I think I'm falling in too deep
Do you feel it too

[Chorus 2x]

Back by popluar demand!

2009-08-01T16:34:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone in blogger land! i know i haven't kept up with this in a long time, it just became hard to write everyday and somehow, this really went to the wayside in the process. But, there are some who have emailed Master or i regarding this blog-hoping i would continue to write. i don't think i will be able to write everyday but i will certainly start playing "catch up" with what has been happening the past few months. (Egad!) *giggle* So expect to see a few entries soon. Thanks to everyone who wrote to say that they enjoy reading my blog.

Hmmmm......

2009-03-31T19:16:00.000-07:00

What i wish i was doing right now....... But who can blame me? i am my Master's slut after all. *grin*
i know.....i know....i have been lacking greatly on this blog but i feel as though i am approaching a time when writing will become important again. So many things have happened....Master and i have both had crazy lives lately and that will take its toll on things. But....there are some things that i feel as though i can change. Take a real situation for example- Master asked me to get Him some plastic bags for a trip He was taking. i forgot the bags and instead of apologizing the way that i should have, i made a joke of it and laughed it off. It didn't hit me what i had done until i said not to worry (because He didn't look happy) and His only response was "I'm not worried, this is just the only one thing I asked you to do and you didn't do it" Oh...my.....God. It hit me like a ton of bricks what i had just done....or rather, what i didn't do. my service to Him was not what i was thinking about and i felt horrible when the simple truth sank in. Ever since then, i have been spending my nights doing positions and meditation. i think it is helping....i am focused on my submission a little more every day and i think i forgot, in a way, how much of that part of my personality completes who i am. i feel as though if i continue on this path of re-self discovery, things within this part of my life can only get better, slowly but surely.

Silence does not become me (unless told to be so)

2009-01-19T00:24:00.000-08:00

It has been way long....i almost forgot about this. i am not sure if anyone still reads this but i think it is time for me to continue writing about my journey. If anyone is still out there, let me know.... but i think that even if anyone isn't, i'll still write......for me.

The sounds of pleasure and pain

2008-08-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

i started to write about a scene Master and i did but then a thought struck me. However, i still want to write about the scene, so i am going to combine the two. First and foremost, i am not sure about using the word "scene" but it is the most appropriate word that most people understand. It started out with a very nice flogging....i do so love those. lol i love how it transforms from what feels like a back (or ass) massage to something that feels like a multitude of little stings (bee stings if Master is using the stingy flogger) before the warmth hits my body. After Master was done He brought out the cane.....i always get this huge rush of nervousness and arousal when He slides the cane, smooth and cool, against the back of my warm ass or thighs. The contrasts of temperature as well as knowing what the cane can do (if Master wants it to) sends my head for a spin. Sometimes i want to moan from the gentle caress but.....somehow it gets stuck. There have been times when the arousal that i feel from what Master is doing builds to a great extent but sometimes i can't seem to express it. Which is frustrating....grrrrrr. lol i know that Master can tell because my cu*t is wet and i know i have made sounds in the back of my throat after He is done but during the whole process, i think it would be nice to express it as well. So that is something i am going to work on....and make a big effort in doing so on this upcoming visit. (i'll let you know how it goes) i think one of the reasons is why i am still learning how to be increasingly open on admitting that i want more of the cane, flogger, strap, stinger ect. is because Master and i live so far apart. That isn't anyone's fault but it does slow down these realizations a little. But, now that i have this figured out, it is something i will work on with fervor. So wish me luck! lol Going back to what happened....i did manage to ask Master for more....although i got the words out, they were muffled (as least i think so....i know i was blushing a little). Master understood and asked me if i wanted more....all i could do was manage to nod my head and say "yes Sir". But i got some additional cane strikes so i think i may have to start asking a whole lot more often! While i received more cone strokes, Master decided to go for my oh, so , vulnerable breasts. i could swear He was only tapping them with the cane but oh.....my.....god. lol After about a minute i was squirming.....after two i was whimpering....i am sure that if it would have lasted 5 i would have been pleading with Master to stop. lol He got the underside of my breasts too.....the most sensitive spots. Although it did turn me on, it did push my limits.....almost one of those things that makes me aroused and my cu*t wet but it huuurtttsss! That, i think, is going to go under my love/hate list. lol Which is a little surprising because normally it is hard to do something to my breasts or nipples that actually hurts. i once said that i thought it would be hard to find something that did, since most everything automatically turns into straight pleasure. All i can think is "silly slave" lol Well....wait....when Master has nipple clamps on and pulls on them.....yeah, same reaction. i get so wet but i can't help but gasp at the pain and ohhh boy do i move quick when His hand is holding onto the nipple clamps! (who can blame me?? One light yank from Him and i am where ever He wants me) After Master was done playing with my breasts, i was allowed to suck His cock (thank You Sir!!) As always with Master i had a great time and a big smile on my face when He was done with me. Now if only i could open myself up to asking for more.....i am really going to have to put myself out there and push past the blushing.....but i think it would be worth it. If anything, i think it would be wonderful to communicate to Master how much i am enjoying what He is doing (even if it hurts). Sure Master may (and has) pushed me past the point of pleasurable but that is also something i enjoy, just for different reasons. That will be a different entry though.

Orgasms, pushes and triggers

2008-07-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

This is an entry on my jumbled thoughts.....i can't sleep so i figure i will start this now. Thoughts on orgasms.....as some of you have read from the beginning, i have always had a problem with orgasms. Or rather, the lack of. Master is right when He says my body has on and off days. Some days it is really easy and others.....i feel as though i could try everything and it still not happen. It really sucks when i really really want to have one to. It really has become a sensitive issue with me, pretty much on my part. Master is accepting and doesn't pressure me or tell me i have to have one but.....i still end up putting all that pressure on myself, which could be rather counter-productive to what i (or Master) am trying to do. Delving deeper into myself, i think that i am so concerned about not pleasing Master, that i let it interfere with what is going on. i learned this lesson long ago that if Master is displeased, He will tell me but i guess it is lesson i have to relearn and accept.

In my last entry, i left of saying that things are harder the first time around.....but not always. Here are my thoughts on that issue. A lot of things are easier the second time Master does it. A perfect example of something that wouldn't be easier the second time, but harder, would be Master having me walk with the nipple clamps attached to my cunt lips and nipples. See that entry here. What makes it harder is not the physical difficulty but rather the emotional aspect. you see, i fully remember how it made me feel the first time and in vivid color. i remember how hard it was, how i wanted to cry but i wanted so badly to do as i was told, regardless of how it made me feel, i knew it would please Him. Having to do it a second time *shudder* would be soooo much harder. It would have a larger effect on me. That is where being pushed comes in. Even though it would be enormously difficult, i like being pushed by Master and sometimes i like being pushed, hard. Even if it makes me cry.....which is something that i have found not only connects me deeply to my submission to Master but also gives the buildup of emotions from the scene or whatever else is going on in my life direction and guidance. i am one of those people who doesn't really let myself cry. When i am around Master, He lets me cry and i feel safe doing so because i know He isn't going to leave me alone if i do so. Whew....my biggest fear about crying....is being left alone, abandoned to cry my heart out and being made to feel what is going on is completely unimportant to someone else. Master will not do this but being honest, i have had so many people in my life walk away in disgust when i start crying, that is has become a protective instinct. my brain and my heart knows that He will hold me and let me cry my tears......like when He pushed me in a scene to that point. Master just held me, rubbed my back, whispered soothing words and told me it was okay. i just wish that i could push those "walls" back down as easily as i can put them up. *sigh* More things to work on within myself.....but i am more than determined to do so. More on pushing....i wish i could be pushed easier. lol i have a lot of strength in my arms and legs and my pain tolerance in actually pretty high. Although Master did one scene where He used the cane on the underside of my breasts and oh.....my.....god. lol That pushed me....pretty easily really. i was actually a little surprised..... normally with breast or nipple play it is hard to get me to start cringing and whining but Master got me there in less than 5 minutes! It was pretty cool actually. Maybe it is a matter of being pushed fast instead of hard.....or a combo of both. If anything, i will leave the details to Master....He knows what can push me over the edge, that knowledge is His alone.

Okay, now onto triggers. Master and i had a discussion on what triggers my submission. He said that physical pain is a big trigger for me, which is very true. But i thought about it some more and when i am daydreaming about being with Him, there are a few things in my mind that always remain constant. So here goes.

Being "petted". This has happened often and it never fails to bring me to that peaceful, submissive mindset. When i am kneeling at His feet, His hand running over my head, i feel small, owned and very submissive. i won't insert anything about feeling like a pet because it certainly doesn't make me want to wag my "tail" or anything like that and although i do find puppy/pony play interesting, it isn't for me.

Kneeling- Often in my daydreams, simple kneeling at His feet, in pos.6, my head lightly resting at the base of His feet will bring to me a sense of my submission. In some of my daydreams i cry, simply because i am so happy to have the privilege to serve Him, please Him....to be allowed to be His slave. Simply tears from my submission and joy.

Master's hand on the back of my neck or in my hair. Even gentle but firm pressure can give me pause and instantly being me to a submissive mindset. (as well as cause arousal-if i may add-lol)

Calling me "slave girl" It is a nickname, like cutie, that Master calls me often. Come to think of it, He doesn't use my name that often....which i don't mind for a couple of reasons. 1) i know who i am and i am not likely to forget. lol i have a good sense of self so i don't miss my name not being used. 2) Since Master doesn't use my name often when He does use it, it is often paired with a certain tone, which automatically makes me want to bow my head and reply "Yes Sir". Pretty interesting.

Another huge trigger....Master. He always says i am perceptive so i will say that Master has the unique ability to put me in a submissive mindset simply by the look on His face, the tone of His voice.....even just by the energy He is putting off. Hence why i have said in the past there are times, just by Him walking into the room, i have the innate urge to kneel. i am not saying that i dependent on Him to feel my submission, i feel that all the time but.....He can bring it out further with ease.

Hmmm...ahh yes, non-erotic humiliation. Being to told to walk in way described above was non-erotic but omg, it slammed me into such a submissive and humble mindset. The only erotic thought i had during that time was knowing that i was pleasing Master. i actually enjoy being pushed like that.....even if it is non-erotic. i guess that also puts triggers into the space of "having" to do something. i like it when Master "makes" me do something....

Cuffs, collar and leash-mmmmm. All three give me a sense of my submission, service and peace. they also make me feel a bit more like an owned slave and object which leads into objectification. i love objectification......it is sooo arousing and i have gotten to the point were i can freely admit that i enjoy being told i am only good for fucking, that i am a good toy to play with, i am a slut.....all sorts of things. When i first met Master, words held little power and even less in the sexual realm. But now, Master can use words to make me feel all sorts of things...He has the power to do so.

Being held down.....now rope has it's own perfect, wonderful, erotic, arousing, submissive, vulnerable qualities that i will always crave and adore. But there have been times when Master will hold my wrists down when using me, pining me in a way that has it's omg qualities all on it's own. Master and i both know i am not going to go anywhere but the feel of His strength from His hands, His body....it just soo.....egad, so wonderful! Even though we know i am not going anywhere....just His strength, His Dominance, is a vivid reminder as well as hugely arousing.

i think that is all for now...there are quite a few more but these are the ones that come to me with startling clarity. So these are my thoughts on all of these topics. If i think of anymore, i am sure i will post them at some point in time. But it was fun to write.....

All tied up in a bow- Part 2

2008-07-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so when i left off, it was k getting naked. lol After she took off all of her clothing, she was the first to get to try the whole nipples attached to the pull-up bar idea. It was actually pretty cool to watch. As she got comfortable,i asked permission to sit down on part of the bench that her body wasn't covering. Master and M seemed to like the sight and i was having fun lightly caressing her inner thighs. M was standing to one side, helping Master hold the bar while pieces of leather were tied to the clamps and bar. Now, one of the really cool things about the bowflex is that it is easy to add and subtract weight. At first, it was set on 10 (i think) and k was told to hold it. If she straightened her arms, the clover clamps would tighten and clamp down harder on her nipples. At first k did this with ease and then M and Master decided to add more weights. While They were doing this, i decided that payback never hurt anyone and i really started to rub k's inner thighs,lightly running my fingernails over her flesh and she would giggle a little.then k's arms started to shake a little.....her arms were getting tired and at the point in time, M started to time her to see how long she could hold on.Master and M also started to really pay attention to the bar.....if her hands slipped from fatigue, M and Master were there to make sure that bar would stay in place so she wouldn't get hurt. i think one of the coolest parts was to see how hard k was concentrating on keeping the bar close to her......when she had made it an additional 5 minutes, the nipple clamps were taken off and she was allowed to relax and sit up. Actually watching a scene, that up close and personal wasn't as intense as i thought it would have been. The entire time Master and M paid lots of attention to what was going on with k not to mention the conversation and the occasional bit of laughter. Even k herself let loose a couple of laughs from funny comments!So it had a fun and playful tone to it, which was really nice. After k got off the bowflex, Master decided i should try it to. i really like this idea(predicament bondage is so wonderful) and although i was a little nervous, i stayed still so Master could put the nipple clamps on. k has made the comment that it hurts the second time going on but i find even though it hurts more...i really enjoy it. i laid back and positioned myself to hold the pull-up bar. i wasn't really that nervous actually.....until the started adding weight to it! lol Then i got a little nervous but it wasn't that bad. i found i could hold onto it rather easily so in short order, Master and M added more weights. i was still doing really well when Master got out the harley. Omg!!!! i had not one clue on how to react to that.....there wasn't anything i could do really. *grin* i mean, k was holding the harley, i had this predicament bondage scene going on (thank You Sir!), Master was there the entire time. The vibe felt sooo good and the pressure on my nipples was amazing. i honestly forgot the weight on my arms fora little bit and i couldn't help but respond. i lost all track of time during this scene....majorly. lol i somehow ended up with my neck bent backwards having slid off the bench while still holding the bar! It was a little tough at first.....Master hadn't let other people use me sexually before. i did relax though....which was pretty nice. i honestly can't remember anything Master, M or k said for my brain wasn't fully functioning. i did love the way how i could let my arms stretch farther to increase the amount of pain on my nipples though. i will admit experimenting with that. lol At some point in time i do remember Master telling M (who was keeping time for me as well) that after15 minutes He wanted to stop. M laughed and said that i had passed that already!i think Master was surprised and i giggled....i hadn't realized how long i had been holding, oh i think, 60lbs of weight. (i am much stronger than i look)i didn't have an orgasm, which was a little upsetting (always is in a way)but i just kind of mentally shrugged my shoulders.. So the nipple clamps came off and somehow it was decided that using the cuffs on my ankles....attaching them to some bar above my head, sounded like fun. lol i agreed and i was very excited to try it out. Master got me all set up and then He brought out the strap!!! i wasn't expecting that at all and was a little "omg" in my head. Sure enough, Master started to strike on the back of my thighs. At first i squealed.....it stung!!lol i kept moving (well tried) my legs. Since they were attached above me, i couldn't move and goodness....it was wonderful. It honestly took a few minutes (maybe more) when i started to feel the onset of sup-space but wasn't able to really fully fall into it. It was interesting to be so exposed as well as it put me in this very nice submissive mindset (somehow more than i was already) and even though it was a challenge it was very arousing at the same time. After Master was done with me (i love saying that!) He unattached everything and i sat up. Next time i will go slower. lol my eyes actually crossed! i just had this huuugee head rush and got very dizzy for a minute. When i tried to stand up, i got dizzy again. Once i got my composure (and balance*grin*) i was able to walk around and such. i was a little quiet though and i started to sink into myself. Something didn't feel right but i tried to shrug it off. M and k had to get going, so k got dressed and well all commented that it had been very fun to see each other and play a little. It was very nice to see M and k.....and i wasn't the only naked person!! lol After hugs had been exchanged and goodbye's said, Master sat me down and we had a talk.i was still a little quiet and unsure of what i was feeling but after talking to Him, i felt better and a little silly. Master assured me that it was okay and that that is the reason why i need to be honest with how i am feeling. Overall,the night was very very fun and if something like that should happen again, i am sure that i will be able to relax even more.. (it is always the hardest the first time....well maybe not but that is another entry)

All tied up in a bow!

2008-07-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone in bloggerland, long time no write!! lol i know, i didn't write but i promise i have a good reason. my comp broke down not once but twice during the time i was supposed to have for myself. So jumping right in to everything that has happened these past few months....whew.....that is a lot. lol Lots of discussions, quite a few times and as nothing is a perfect, a few moments of drama have occurred. Before i even get into the rest of this, i had a visit with Master a few weeks ago and ended up doing a scene with Master, M and k that i definitely was not expecting. i knew something was up, i just didn't know what. Well, Master invited M and k over for dinner. Of course we had fun!! i love being around those two as there is always something up for discussion. After dinner (and i once again was given permission to use the dishwasher for the dishes- thank You Sir!) i was picking up the little bit left of the dishes when Master, M and k all went into Master spare bedroom so He could show them the new bowflex gym He bought. i didn't think anything of it, i just kept putting up the dishes and get the kitchen looking lovely. When i was done, i think it was M who came in and i ended up following him out of the kitchen. When i looked into the room, Master was there, making a joke with M. (Or something......i think They were laughing over what Master had in mind. k was there and i joined in on the discussion. Turns out Master's idea for the night was to attach my nipples to the bar with nipple clamps. With weights on it no less!! Being honest, my first reaction was- uh-huh no way in hell....my nipples will get ripped off!! lol That really is what i was thinking at first. Then, after the shock wore off, i was insanely curious. i love nipple torture and i knew Master wouldn't let my nipples rip off. One, that would be really really bad and two- that would have been one less thing He would be able to play with. (just had to add that) So Master went and got the clamps, came back in and told me to strip. i have been naked in front of M and k so many times, Master could have told me to go get a drink of water. *grin* Yes, it still makes me giggle a little but i am okay with it. Well.....Master decided to get out the clover clamps....i love those things as much as i dread Him putting them on. lol Before anything else occurred though, Master decided to tie me up!!! i saw the rope and all that went through my head was "yes yes yes, thank You thank You!!" *grin* Oh, how i missed the feel of rope on my body, the arousal that hits me so hard, the submissive mindset it brings me to, know that when i am tied Master can do whatever comes to His mind and i can't change a thing about it. Another reason why i adore being tied is because when i am tied, i can't move. There are things, like the cane or strap or even His stinger (surprise) that i don't always (sometimes i do lol) want to move away from and the rope keeps my body from having that natural reaction. So, rope and bondage is good, very very good. He had me stand and put me in a bondage tie that had my arms and hands behind my back. Naked, He had me straddle the bowflex gym with my chest facing the bar that you're supposed to pull down. From there, Master took a rope (maybe the same one?) and tied my arms to the total gym so that i was still sitting but restricted how far i could lean forward. i let my weight fall forward and felt the tug and pull from the rope. i took solace in it and, for a few peaceful moments, simply let myself drift. However, Master once again gained my full, undivided attention (again lol) when He grabbed a nipple to put on the clamps. i always hold my breath at first feel of the clamp upon my nipple but i think they went on rather easy. (Big sigh of relief-lol) Initially, Master wanted to tie each nipple clamp on one side but as we tried that (with me giggling all the way) it was too much. i really was afraid that the weight was way too much and i think Master and M had the same idea. So, i think it was M who came up with the idea to attach both of my nipples.....somehow.....to only one side. lol i honestly can't remember how Master did it....at the time, i was paying quite a bit of attention to myself. my body first and foremost. As with anything that is new, it is always a great, wonderful idea to give feedback if something doesn't feel right. The other reason is because i wanted to giggle so, so bad. Whenever i get super nervous or unsure, i giggle. Master knows this and thankfully doesn't mind. But i was incredibly nervous. i didn't know what this was going to feel like and even though Master and M had a hold of the bar so it wouldn't jerk, the litany of "omg omg omg" was running through my head. But....not so bad. In fact, the burning from my nipple being pulled along with rope and me letting my body naturally fall forward, i was heading into a great meditative state. All of giggling, the joking and talking started to blur away, heading into the back of my mind, a place where i wasn't really all there. Almost like subspace and i think i could have stayed there....except that my fingers began going numb. Darn!! lol i actually contemplated not saying anything but.....i knew it wasn't the best idea and as Master's slave, it is my job to Him when something feels weird. So it was with a small feeling of regret, i told Master 2 of my fingers had gone numb. When M and k heard this, they both agreed that numb parts from being tied isn't a good thing. Master said it was good that i had told Him and untied my arms. Being honest, i didn't realize how numb they were until Master told me i could move. Goodness!!! lol i flexed my arms, stood up after being given permission to do so, when Master and M came up with an idea to tie the nipple clamps to the bar in a pull up position, so that way the submissive would have to keep her arms close to her or they would pull on her nipples. (They're so evil.....but k and i loved it!) i made the comment (kind of pouty like) that it wasn't fair i was always the only one naked. Master and M laughed, k said she wasn't fully comfortable with getting naked. A big scene a few days earlier caused bruises that were still there-in k's words, she looked like she had been in a car wreck but i'll always think she is beautiful-Master and M agreed with me. M just looked at her and told her to strip-simple as that. Then i wasn't the only sub/slave naked in the room and whoa boy, did the night get a whole lot more interesting....

Response

2008-06-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Someone left a comment about the quiz i posted-asking where i found it. i apologize for the lateness of my response lola but here is the link!

http://www.quizfarm.com/quiz_repository/new/136192/

i hope that you have as much fun as i did taking this quiz! ::Warning:: It is a little long

2008-06-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

i am making some changes to the blog which may take a couple of days. But i am looking forward too a new look and i hope everyone enjoys the changes that are made!

my come back

2008-06-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

i know i haven't written anything lately. It isn't because i haven't wanted to, it is just that life has been super busy! i am still a happy slave to Master and i am well. It looks like i will have a lot of free time to write in about a week, so expect to see a lot of entries. i have a lot of catching up to do! lol Lots of stuff has happened and there are some expected changes in the near future. Since i will have lots of free time, if anyone has any questions or anything they would like to ask me, feel free to do so. i will try my best to answer all of them in the coming month.

Quiz

2008-05-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.)))

It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a Dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.

i took this test because it looked pretty fun to do and was a little surprised at first of my scores. But after thinking about it, it actually makes sense...at least with the way my brain works. This test was based mainly on sex but since i can see how these scores spill into my mindset- i thought i would comment on them.

Submissive 93%

i am not surprised at all at this score....probably why i love being a slave so much. Why it is 93%- i think it is because there are times and situations in my life, when away from Master, in which i must be in charge. Which doesn't bother me, it is just a part of life and of who i am.

Experimental 75%

This, again, not surprised. As i have gone down this road, i have become more curious about different types of sex and have had doors opened to me that i had never thought of. The most recent on that list being tickling. It is something that i would love to try again and i used to hate it. So yes, i have become more experimental.

Bondage 75%

i am a huge big bondage slut....i could be tied up all night and be glowing in the morning.

Degradation Lover 75%

::blushing:: Okay...so a lot of my fantasies have to do with being degraded. Being called a slut, whore....being told i am only good for fucking....and i think that is as far as my imagination goes. That's not a bad thing though, is it? Didn't think so. On one hand, it is exciting to think what else is out there that i just haven't thought of. i have finally come to terms with why i like it. Well....maybe i don't understand all the way yet but i do know why Master could say those things and it be exciting. Master respects me as person and as His slave. He thinks of me fondly and He truly cares for me. i know He doesn't mean those things in a "I really mean that you are a slut" in a bad way but rather in a "Yes, you are MY slut and I like it" way. So it is okay....He and our dynamic makes it okay for it not only to happen but for me to enjoy it. That and...well....saying stuff like that is rather naughty. Normally i try my best to act like a proper lady in public so it is rather exciting to be able to let that part of myself go. So maybe i do know why i like it- or at least one of the reasons.

Masochist 68%

i could have sworn this was going to be higher than this. But that's okay...there are things that i am still learning. Such as....if Master starts out spanking me with a very light warm up, i gently go into subspace. But that was back in the beginning...it was usually nice and gentle at first. Now it is rougher at first which may make me jump and squeak but i enjoy it sooo much as well. That and when i hit subspace....wham! i am gone. So really the only difference is the initial pain factor. But i like the pain, the sting....going very gently into subspace may be nice at times but i definitely like the rough stuff too. The cane, crop and recently the strap are things that i really enjoy. With the stinger....well....i like when Master makes me do it- even though it drives me crazy and i squeal- i still get rather wet from it.

Exhibitionist / Voyeur 68%
Not surprised. lol Ever since i have been with Master, i have become more open to not only being watched but also watching. Being watched is kind of fun (still learning about doing stuff in front of strangers)....as long as i am not touched by any strange men. i seem to have a large issue with that still.....people i don't know, i can't trust. If i can't trust them, it sends me into full panic mode. The thought gives me shivers....Dommes i think i could handle touching me if Master desired it. i guess just knowing it is a female helps. Watching people has become pretty fun, although i have yet to see full blown fuc*ing. That could be interesting.....

Switch 61%
Lately Master and i have been discussing my Domme tendencies. i have this nice little image of another female sub/slave getting me ready for me to serve Master. Like in the past when people had servants all the time. It is a nice thought and i have also discovered that i like erotic humiliation (doing and receiving) as well as the thought of teaching another sub/slave and making sure they do what Master wishes.

Sadist 54%
Hmm...i was really surprised at this until i thought about it. All the pain i would want to give to another female sub/slave, has to with stuff i personally love for Master to do to me and stuff i would like to try with erotic pain. Considering my masochist score, it would make sense for this to be as high as it is. i would only want to give pain i knew they enjoyed. When it comes to household chores and tasks though....i know i wouldn't care if they liked it or not....i'd still make her do it., more so if Master is the one who gave the order.

Vanilla 18%
i will be the first to admit that i enjoy vanilla activities. Not only with Master but with my friends as well. i enjoy the walks on the beach, the dinners out, the movie watching on/next to the couch, the cuddling, the romantic moments and all that jazz. i like having that mix with Master. When it comes to the sexual side i am not sure how i would feel about it. When i think about "vanilla" sex, i think the tender slow touching, lots of kissing (even though i really enjoy kissing, i still am not that confident at kissing though-being honest i am not that experienced) and i think it would be emotional on a different plane (at least on my end) that i am not used to. i am a bit curious but like everything else, i have reasons why i am not sure if i want to get into that at this point in time.

Dominant 4%

"Duh"

Pushed- Ending

2008-05-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

i was back, standing against the wall, when Master brought out the flogger once again. A little bit of squealing occurred as i tried my best to breath through each one. The sting of each blow...the burn was getting intense and when Master put the flogger down, i breathed a sigh of relief. Then came out the cane for another round. Goodness...ouch. lol i think i did better the second time the cane was used, for i do not remember Master telling me to present myself like He did the first time. Each strike was hard and stingy and tough to breath through. i was starting to approach my normal range of erotic pain and i was not sure if Master's intentions were to "expand" my experience or all of this would be over with. The thought didn't stay long in my head however. Then came out the strap. (never had one before) Ohhh boy.....that was actually pretty cool. It felt like a mix between the cane (because it had a stingy effect) and the flogger, because of the thud it produced. How this came about is actually...well...funny now (i was so clueless!)-but not funny then. you see, Master went to His closet and grabbed something. i heard Him rustling around and i was unsure of what He was getting. i kept my head down, despite the strong urge to see what He was getting. After He got what He was looking for, He stood behind me. i wasn't sure at this point if Master actually had something in His hand, or if my head was being messed with. Come to think of it though, i think i enjoyed having no clue what was going to happen and seeing what was in His hand. i was sanding there, coiled tightly from anticipation and curiosity when i asked Master if i may please know what He had in His hand. "No- you may not" was Master's only reply. i knew better than to push the subject, more so since Master had that "tone". Being honest- whenever He gets that tone in His voice- i don't question.....period. The energy in the room....from Master...was just, wow. Definitely caught and kept my concentrated attention. After a few seconds of Master's response..."slap"!! i jumped....i had not one clue what He was using. All i could feel what the object was doing. After a few minutes of receiving my first "strapping" the burn and sting was really setting in. my eyes were closed, my breathing a little uneven. Master put the strap down and once again had me drop to my knees to service Him. i gladly did so and again, the thought (maybe hope?) that all was done crept back into my head. i largely ignored it but then Master threw me for a loop. His hand had been in my hair, instructing me how deep or slow He wanted me to do, when He jerked my mouth from His co*k and made me look up at Him. (Intense!!) Master asked me "back or ass?" and i remember just staring at Him. my brain was gone and i had not the foggiest idea of what it was He was asking of me!! All i could think was "huh??" i must have looked confused or not responded fast enough for Master repeated Himself again- "back or ass?" Each word punctuated, His voice harder than before. In my brain, i knew i had to make a choice and blurted out the first thing that came to mind- "back Sir" Master said "okay- back against the wall" and i stood back up. After the first stroke of the flogger, i realized what He meant! Sometimes, it takes a little while to get something through a brain made foggy from erotic pain. However, the flogging...well....wasn't that erotic. Yes there were erotic tones within it, as i am His slave as well as a masochist. But mentally...and in some ways physically, i was being pushed past the realm of erotic pain. Each swing was horrible. Good horrible but horrible. (hope that makes sense) i felt tears gathering in the back of my eyes but somewhere in my head, out of habit, i was saying that i could handle this..to just breath and i would be okay. Such a familiar battle but in some ways, it was different. Master had me get on my knees once again and during the time of me sucking His co*k, i stopped fighting and really hoped that all was done. i had stopped (telling myself) that i could handle all of this, i stopped TRYING to handle and cope with what was happening. But stopping was not Master's wish. He asked me if i wanted the flogger or cane. (Something like that) i responded with trying to describe the strap, as i still did not know what He had used. my back was sore and the thought of the cane was...::shudder:: Uh-uh- no way, not if Master was being kind and generous enough to give me a choice. lol So i went with what i thought would be the kindest of all toys. (i was wrong- again lol) Master understood and had me stand back up with my hands against the wall. Honestly, i no longer had any inkling that this was going to end, but as hard as all of this was, some part of me was craving what Master was doing so much. The strap hit oh, maybe 5 or 6 times, when i think a small sob erupted from me. i remember shaking my head, trying to fend off my emotions by instinct, not any real desire to do so. The room got soo quiet as Master came behind me (He has put up the strap somewhere in that frame of time- although i am not sure when) He turned me to Him, looked into my eyes and to this day i don't really remember how it happened. All i do remember is staring to cry and Master telling me to cry. He says that He used a harsh tone of voice but in my mind, the warmth of His arms and His voice was heaven. i broke down....hard. Sobbing, shaking, not caring how i sounded or anything else. Master at one point in time tried to wrap my arms around Him but i couldn't. In the haze of crying, letting go...really letting go, i felt frozen and unable to move. Master and i stayed standing for a few minutes until He urged me onto the bed, where He laid down and just let me cry. He was rubbing my back, my arm-keeping our physical self's close, all the while speaking to me gently. i hung onto Master for dear life, feeling exposed and open. Simply put- i needed Him. i know that may not sound like much but there aren't many times in my life i feel like i need someone with such ferocity. But i needed Master- His strength, calmness, acceptance and His understanding. After i had calmed down, i looked into Master's eyes and saw the affection and pride that resided there. Master knew how hard that was and told me that He was proud of me! In the aftermath, i was surprised that i opened up that much but i was incredibly happy that i did. All in all, i must say that overall it was something that i truly enjoyed on many levels. The anticipation, erotic pain, serving sexually, being pushed past erotic pain was, in some ways erotic (figure that out), having to choose the instrument of my demise (that sounds like something out of a novel-lol) to breaking down was all wonderful. After breaking down, i felt...refreshed, lighter with arousal and simple humble pride from having pleased Master all mixed in. That was by far, the hardest scene Master and i have ever done but i was smiling (possibly glowing) in the end and i think that is what matter's most. Master once told me, it is okay to cry during a scene if i feel the urge to do so, as long as i can smile afterward. Overall, it was a great experience and i actually hope that one day this will happen again.

Pushed

2008-04-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

This visit, i was pushed. Hard. Master had me get against the wall and He pulled out the flogger and started at my shoulders. At first, this felt like a wonderful, relaxing deep tissue massage. i breathed through each one, enjoying the warmth the flogger left on my back. Even thinking about it now brings a smile to face. Within a few seconds though, Master started to use the flogger with increasing strength. The relaxing feeling was soon replaced with the ticking of arousal, as the flogger started to sting and leave a light burning sensation in it's wake. It was then that i started to focus on relaxing, somehow knowing that Master was going to go a bit harder. Sure enough, as the strokes kept falling and getting harder, my breathing started to falter and the owww sensation was creeping upon me. Just as i was starting to whimper, Master switched tactics, went to His closet and brought out the cane. "Ooohhhh" was all i could think. Master had me switch my position so my ass was better presented and i fought the instinct of tensing up. i felt the cool surface touch the back of my thighs and i took a deep breath. Master smacked the back of my thighs numerous times very lightly and eekkk! That drove me up the wall! lol It is hard to not expect a stroke when that is happening...it is almost like being teased. Part of me wanted to giggle out of nervousness and come to think of it, i may have. Then....whack! There went the first stroke and i jumped. Each stoke drove me a little farther....i would jump, tense and sometimes try to stall to try and get a "breather" in between each one. But Master wasn't having any of that this time. "Get back in to position" or "present your ass" were the words i heard this time, a bit more often than usual. By the time Master was done (or so i thought), my breath was starting to waver and my mind was becoming a little slow. i was becoming an aroused, mushy slave and admittedly, loving every minute of it. He threw the cane on the bed and instructed to get onto my knees to serve Him. In a way, i breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that i was given the honor of serving Him and that the worst was over. As i was sucking Master's co*k, His hands came to my nipples and pulled. That felt so very good and my arousal climbed even higher. Master had me draw away from His co*k, told me to stand back up and re-position myself on His bedroom wall. i think it was then that i realized that i was going to be pushed pretty hard, although i didn't know what the result would be. Even though a part of me was a bit nervous and apprehensive about how hard this might get, the desire to serve Master and the desire to be pushed over-ruled anything else i was feeling. Uncertainty about how i would react, mixed with trust and excitement were the emotions i had as i stood back up, put my hands on the wall and presented myself for whatever else Master had in store for me.

Tickled

2008-04-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

When i first met Master (way back when) i told Him that i could not stand being tickled and i don't just mean it annoyed me. i mean like it would cause me to panic, reduce me tears and if carried on long enough, cause me to want to hide in a dark corner while i erased the feeling of panic from my mind and body while mutely staring at a wall. Yes, that bad. In the past i have even ended up hitting people out of self preservation. Needless to sat, tickling me became something Master never attempted to do. But a couple of visits ago, He tickled me for just a brief moment and i was okay. i didn't mind, i didn't freak out....just laughed. After, Master made the comment about not wanting to do something that would give me a very bad experience. But i assured Him i was fine and the subject matter dropped. This visit, something incredible happened! Master and i were sitting on the couch and He started to tickle me. All i could do was laugh...well laugh and jump and giggle. lol i can't remember how it happened, but at some point in time, i ended up laying over His lap. Master was tickling me.....yes i was squirming but no bad feelings. Master said something about Him not wanting me to move (it is sooo hard NOT to move when someone was tickling you!) and He grabbed my nipple! Once He had a good grip, Master continued to tickle me. Every time i would jump, my nipple would get pulled....hard. It hurt but i couldn't stop laughing....adding in the fact that i adore nipple torture, this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But i did try my best to stay still as Master wanted me to. Each time He would tickle me, part of me was waiting for the signal to go off in my brain that it was becoming to much. Or maybe i wasn't waiting for it but rather, paying very close attention to how i was feeling. But the feeling never came.....i never felt panicked or scared or anything negative. Instead, it felt more like a light-hearted game of sorts. How long i could stay still or get my nipple pulled. lol In the end, i ended up jumping so badly that my nipple was ripped from Master's very tight grip. He later told M and k that He was holding on as tight as He could! After all was said and done, Master and i laughed at how hard i must have jumped and part of me was a little sad that the "game" had ended. i really enjoyed myself (thank You Sir!!) and when Master told me that next time He might use the clover clamps, two things happened. 1) i was excited that it may happen again and 2) became a little nervous about the clover clamps. But those things can pull sooo hard! lol In a lot of ways, i was a little surprised at how everything went. As i said, i do not take tickling well. i did when i was a kid but somehow, as i got older, it started to have a bad effect. So i was really happy to discover that part of myself. Well...no....that's not it. i say that because i know that i could not take my friends tickling me. To re-phrase- i was happy to discover that Master could tickle me with no ill effects. Why exactly He can when no one else can......well, after a lot of thinking, i think it may be a mix of things. One being, i trust Him. Pure and simple. i know that He would never keep tickling me if i said my safe word (which is my responsibility to use BEFORE it gets to the point of panic) i also know that He would watch me closely to make sure i am okay. (friends sometimes forget about that.....or if you say stop- they keep going...thinking that you are laughing) Also, Master had tickled me before. Very brief short bursts, nothing i could not handle. 2...well....being honest. i want to please Master. It is something that i desire very much and strive to do. i think that has an effect on why i am willing to push past some of my own fears. i know that Master enjoys tickling me and in the past i have often felt a little bad that He couldn't, because i just couldn't handle it. Perhaps in some subconscious way, i tried working through that dislike. To try and find the space where i could enjoy it once again and that boundary would no longer be there. Or maybe everything just fell into place. (i think i am going to go with the whole wanting-to-please-Him-so-i-will-work-past-this theory) Which spurns a whole new train of thought i will approach at another time. 3 would be the fact that i did enjoy being tickled by Him. It was nice and fun and something i am eager to try again. Even though i know that it may one day turn from something that felt mostly silly to something more serious i know now that it is something that can happen and i won't freak out or anything. i'm not going to say it wouldn't be hard but knowing that i am okay (mentally and emotionally) with tickling makes me feel pretty happy. Yet another new door opens for exploration which should be interesting to say the least.

My continued training - golden showers

2008-04-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

Master was sitting at His computer desk, i can't remember what exactly we were doing but somehow the fact that He had to pee entered into the conversation. It went somewhere along the lines that He had to use the restroom and i stood up. Then, very casually Master said, "Or I can just pee on you". i thought Master was joking, even as a shiver went down my spine. "Yes Sir" came out of my mouth enclosed in a giggle. It was only when He looked at me with the smile i have come to know so well that i realized that He meant it. Still i froze for a moment with a smile still on my face, unsure of what was going to happen. Master gave me a gentle push in the direction of the bathroom. "Go on then, go kneel in the shower" (or something to that effect) i walked into the bathroom, stood and turned around to face Him. "Hurry up and get undressed and get into the shower". He was smiling but i knew that tone of voice....i had better hurry up. i stripped as fast (yet gracefully) as i could manage and went in to kneel into the shower. This took adjustment on my part, since i am somewhat used to kneeling with my ass on my heels, however, as Master and i discussed, i was to try and swallow at much of His pee as possible, without making a mess. So i got as close to His c*ck as possible, got into position 4 and opened my mouth. i couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through my body and even as His pee hit my mouth, it had not yet "hit" that this was happening. All i could do at the beginning was concentrate on keeping my mouth open but then this feeling came over me....i always try my hardest to please Master but this was like an added determination. So i attempted to breath through my nose and swallow at the same time. i was hoping for the effect that i would be able to swallow as much as possible. However, it didn't really work that way. lol i ended up choking just a bit and in the 3 or 4 seconds it took to compose myself and get ready for more, it started to really hit me that i was attempting to swallow all of Master's pee. All that was going through my head was a frantic attempt to please Him as much as possible. During this time, Master was controlling the flow. i haven't had that much experience and i was very grateful that He was going slow with me. Time and time again, i would try to swallow with my mouth still open. Not impossible but it was hard to get used to. When Master was done, i stayed kneeling for a moment while everything else sunk in. After a few seconds Master told me i was a good girl (i love it when Master calls me that!!) and told me to get out of the shower, so He could start it for me. A very kind gesture and i thanked Him for it. i remember the look on His face...i could see that He was very proud of me, i had pleased Him and He was happy. i laughed when Master said something along the lines that what happened was going to be a lot to absorb. All i could do was giggle and agree. All i could say was "that was intense". Master looked at me, gently smiled and said "Indeed it was cutie" and gave me a gentle kiss on my lips. He opened the door to the shower and i gratefully climbed into the wonderful hot water. As i walked in and had a few quiet moments, the full effect of me swallowing about 80% of His pee hit. i was just....wow. In that quiet space in my head where the only thing that i really feel is happy, submissive and owned. i was all but glowing when i came out of the shower and although i was a little quieter than usual, i was able to function rather well. There have been times when Master will use me and push me to the point where i am useless for anything but small chores and getting my hair stroked. This wasn't one of those times but i was still pretty far into that particular type of subspace. Absolutely wonderful! It is Master's intent to train me to the point where i will no longer need to go in the shower (unless He feels like peeing on me) and i am confident that i will get there. i would love for Master to be able to use me in that fashion whenever the urge hits Him without thinking about having to take a shower afterwards, so i am determined, in my own fashion, to do this for Him.

In the public's eye

2008-04-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

Jumping right into this visit, let me first inform you all that i am indeed at Master's house for a week loing visit!! And loving it...some firsts have already happened. i got pushed really hard, tried something new and different, went to a public dungeon and the visit has not even ended! Normally i write in order of things that have happened but it is by Master's request that i write about this right now. M, k, Master and i went to a public dungeon. i had never been but was pretty excited and happy to go, if for nothing else then to try something different. Well, we got there and of coursre i am nervous as all get out. Lots of people were there and goodness...so many details but i will get to those later. What i am writing about right now was a scene that Master decided to do. He did not bring any toys with Him as He was content to sit back, watch and answer any questions i might have. That was pretty cool but what Master did next suprised me. First, Master took off my top and put me in this standing cage. Though it was big enough for me to stand in but when Master told me to get into pos. 1, my elbows stuck out of the bars. At first, i was like...oh geez.....just standing there topless in front of people i did not know. After about one minute though, i ceased to be nervous or anything like that. In fact i became really comfortable and was just watching other people out of the corner of me eye and listening to the sounds of people being flogged, spanked and goodness knows what else. Master came up and spoke to me, asked me how i was doing and such and when He learned that i was more then comfortable in the cage half naked, He promptly told me to take off my skirt. Now, i was wearig this leather corest type of top and a super super short white pleated skirt (think very naughty school girl). With that, add black patent leather 6-inch heels to the mix. So when He told me to take off my skirt, not only was that a little difficlut to do, it also made me very shy. But i did get it off and back into position. After the skirt was off Master had me stand there for a few more minutes in pos.1 and then told me to turn into pos.2. Well, at this time, i am thinking that this is no problem and i stood there and focused on listening. After a while Master told me to face front again...which happened a few times and then i started thinking that i was going through a kinky version of doe-se-doe. lol my arms were getting a little tired and such but i was okay with everything. Then.....Master had me face the back again and kept me there. After about 3 minutes i started wondering if He left....i didn't hear Him and my arms were getting tired....but i saw His shadow and thought i heard Him talking to someone. i dismissed it though and i think now maybe i shouldn't have. lol Turns out k had an idea that Master approved of so when He told me to face the front (yet again-lol) i saw about 30 people staring at me!!!!! OMG!!! Some where kneeling and according to M, panic crossed my face which i quickly covered. i focus on the mirror in the back of the room....i didn't want to see the other people....i just looked through them. i focused on my posture, my face...keeping a slight smile without giggling. i became insanly aware of every body part....every arch as i strived to hold posotion. By this time my arms where burning and aching.....but somehow i mangaed to keep them upright and still. After what was probably only a minute or two, Master came, looked at me (i can't remember what He said) and i laughed. Which made some of the crowd smile as well. He then let me out of the cage, i breathed a huge sigh of relief and people started to clap. i rememeber i got very shy at that....it was very kind of them but i could feel myself blushing. k asked m if i knew how to curtsy and i tried my best in 6-inch heels and soon after eveyone dispersed. i think what makes me the most shocked out of everything is the fact that k said people knew who she was talking about when she mentioned "the girl in the cage".....i honestly didn't think anyone really was paying attention to me.....so i was suprised that strangers remembered who i was. i was suprised that Master had me strip....but knowing He was near did make me feel so much better about eveything. As long as He is watching over me, i feel safe. i think i was lucky that Master had me do positions in the cage...they always calm and center me and i love showing or teaching subs/slaves about them, so i was thankful it was that. Goodness...i'm glad the cage wasn't any bigger, because the image of Master having me do pos.3 in front of a crowd just popped into me head and all i can say is....eekkk!!! lol Overall the scene in the cage was fun and interesting...not sure if it is something i would want to do over and over again, but i know that i would feel comfortable doing at least a couple of them. In the end, i was a little aroused but then again, that is never a bad thing either. i will write again soon about this visit and let you know what else happened!

Lead the way- Part III

2008-03-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

i gingerly made my way forward yet again. Moving slowing so that the clamps wouldn't pull to hard and Master was kind enough to allow me to move slowly at first. It felt really awkward really....i had to really concentrate on allowing my body to move as smoothly as possible....i tried to let the flow of my movements show, even though i was hindered in a way. Slowly but surely i gained more confidence and soon i was able to get used to crawling in that manner. At one point in time, Master had k make me crawl for her. That was fun actually. i know k and i trust her so i felt pretty comfortable. As we went through training, k had me learn a couple of new commands. Such as if she said a key word, i was to stop and go into pos 4 with my hands behind my back. Simple ones really although trying to absorb everything at once was a challenge. At one point in time, k had me meow like a cat! lol i didn't find that erotic but i did think it was kind of funny. After that, Master once again took control and led me back and forth crawling.....examining my every movement, how high my head was and if my crawling pleased Him. i was very thankful to be learning leash training and it was fun yet also very nerve-wracking. i didn't want to make a mistake or forget anything so i had to concentrate very hard on what i was doing. Now here comes the really hard part. Master had me stand up. With the clamps and leather strings attached, i was standing but my back was bent a little and so were my knees. Needless to say, this made me feel very very awkward. i had the sinking feeling in my stomach what Master wanted me to do but nothing could prepare me for it.

He told me to walk....like that....across His living room and back. i froze.....every part of me screamed in rebellion and uncertainty. i honestly felt, with every part of me, that i could not do this. i even said so to Master. But my limits are for Him to decide and within myself, i knew i would never use my safeword. (barring a physical problems, something that triggers extremely negative feelings or real fear.) i shut my eyes...still frozen on the spot...wanting to cry, to beg, for this not to happen. i shut my eyes and dug deep. i had to work past my own feelings....not disregard them but find a way past them. i had to center on my submission and even with the embarrassment and uncertainty swirling within me, i found the strength to do as Master commanded me. Humiliation had not yet entered the picture but with the first step, it made itself apparent. i tried to walk with as much grace as i could muster, knowing that it still wasn't enough. i felt....stripped. Really, truly naked more so than i have in a long time and so extremely humbled. i kept my head facing down, my movements slow and precise. Some might think i would make a run for it but 2 things. One, that would really really hurt. lol Number 2- if i ran, Master would probably have me do it all over again- after He re-applied the clamps and such. Now here is the really cool part. Even though by the time i got back to Master, M and k i felt thoroughly humiliated, i was also happy. i had done what was asked and i think Master really knew how hard it was for me, even without me saying anything. M and k i am sure knew it was hard- but Master knows my soft spots and what i have such a hard time handling. After all was said and done, Master had me kneel in pos.4. He then took the nipple clamps off and rubbed them i squealed- i'll admit it. lol Rubbing also makes it worse but i can never help the desire to lean into His hand when He does. Then He told me to lay back so He could take the clams off the lips of my cu*t. i asked Him if they could just stay there...they were comfortable and all i could think that if the nipples hurt that bad, i was truly not looking forward to the clamps on my cu*t coming off. who could blame me though?!? lol But it wasn't that bad....maybe because they weren't on that tight or maybe because i pulled my nipples more than my lips...who knows. While i was laying down, at some point in time Master got the stinger out of His room and decided then to apply it. The first time i squealed and jumped....the second time He ran it down the back of my leg and i managed to keep my legs still. Master was very proud of me and in a way, so was i. After i was allowed to sit back up, Master gave me a choice. More of the stinger or the nipple clamps re-applied. Guess which i chose? lol M and k sucked in a breath and made the comment that that would hurt even more the second time, more since they just came off a couple of minutes earlier. i honestly didn't care....i wanted to avoid the stinger at all costs. Which makes me think what Master would have to give me a choice between, in which i would choose the stinger. (Provided Master saw fit to give me a choice that is) The stinger does arouse me as i have said before, however, my mind has yet to catch up with my body in that regard. Maybe one day or with more exposure it will happen. But at that time, i felt stretched as it was and wasn't sure i could handle the stinger. So Master put the nipple clamps on as well as weights. (Thank You Sir!) Anything with my nipples...mmm...i am not sure if something could hurt enough. (i say that and i know that there is something out there- i am sure of it lol) Even the stinger has that wonderful pleasure/pain aspect on my nipples. After the weights had been applied, it was back to leash training....going faster and faster...each step was tortuous yet had that arousing sensation to it. But soon, it started to turn into pain....and with that came the tightening of my face and body. Soon i was being instructed to keep my face and body relaxed. That even if it hurt i should appear as graceful as possible. i found myself slipping on my own control. i wanted it to end, simple as that. It was pushing my boundaries and tolerance of pain...mostly because the pain never stopped....i didn't get a break from it. But i tried so hard....i would be walking toward Master and look at His face. i would see His eyes calculating not only how i was moving but i am also sure gaging how much more i could take. After a few minutes of this, Master told me i could stop and He told k she could remove the clamps. she took them off but didn't rub them and even sympathized with the pain. After all was said and done, Master gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me that i was a good girl. Everyone said that i had done a wonderful job and for some reason, i can't remember why, but i went into the kitchen and started cleaning or something. i was pretty far gone but tried to make myself useful. Yeah...not the best idea. i think that is why there is something called aftercare. i remember k coming in and asked me how i was doing. i remember looking down and telling her i was fine and she went back into the living room. she must have seen something or heard something in my face and voice because the next thing i knew, Master was there. He asked me if i was okay....i looked down, not wanting to face Him as tears started to fill my eyes. He very gently took my face in His hand and lifted it up. i know my mouth was trembling, i knew He saw the tears there. He asked me what was the matter...His voice gentle, soothing and just so kind and caring that that caring.....became my undoing. i told Him that it was hard and i saw understanding in His eyes. He hugged me and i just let the tears go. Even though there had been laughter when k took off the clamps and i was smiling after everything was over, i still felt raw. Having quite a few of my defenses ripped away (whether i realized them or not- like being graceful...after this i realized that me concentrating on being graceful even under pressure was a way to guard myself) had quite the effect on me. So there i was, standing in Master's kitchen, crying but trying to be quiet about it and He would just hold me. From time to time He would pull back and just look at my face, for what i had no idea but then Master would smile and gently kiss me. He reminded me how proud He was of me and that i should also be proud of myself. i told Him that i was and thanked Him. i couldn't really get out why i needed to cry so much but it felt good to do. Feeling small and defenseless felt.....i still don't have a word for it yet. But it was good and i know that i was able to feel that way because i knew i was safe, that i could break down and He would be there, that Master would understand and that i was cared for. After i calmed down (which didn't take too long) i finished whatever i was doing....(still out of it think-lol) and went back into the living room. M and k asked me if i was okay and i can't remember if Master or i responded but one of us told them i was okay. Soon M and k soon had to leave so we all exchanged hugs (and handshakes) and all agreed it was a fun night.

Lead the way - Part II

2008-03-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

The black leather collar. i felt it snug and warm against my skin. Master had placed it over my slave collar, as part of the training i was to receive. He told k that he wanted her to watch, to critique and make suggestions about my posture and how i walked. Before i the leash was attached though, Master decided to also put on the black leather wrist and ankle cuffs. Oh wow....it had been a little while since i was allowed to wear them and i was so anxious to have them on. Master got the wrist cuffs on and then had me lay pack on the couch in position 7. It was easier for Him to reach my ankles that way and as He had the first one halfway on, the puppy needed to go out. So there i was, laying on the couch in pos.7, naked, cu*t showing to the whole world and M and k standing beside the couch. i was momentarily nervous about that but soon just laughed and asked them how they were doing. lol i know my tone was a bit rueful, yet also amused. It was just that i found Master having to leave a couple of times during this process a little funny...that and the comments He was making about it. lol But i lied there patiently until Master was able to return and finish putting on the cuffs. Once that was accomplished, He started on leash training. At first this was easy...all i needed to do was walk behind Him. Then the suggestions from k and being told by Master on how to correct my walk hit. Then it got harder. "lift your feet higher when you walk" "sway your hips a bit more" "pay attention" "keep the leash taut" "put your hands behind your back..no not like that, one on top of the other" "keep your head high" "back straight" Whew...i didn't realize how hard it really would be. lol But in the end, Master was confident that i was walking the way i should, although He did look back every now and then just to make sure. During this time well...i really enjoyed it. i found being on a leash a bit erotic...something about being led around by Master and quite frankly....the image of Master's back to me, holding the leash, knowing i was attached to it was pretty hot. Also, having to pay strict attention to every part of my body and to the leash at the same time brought my submission to Master to a higher level. i have never, in my life, concentrated so hard on a piece of fabric (the leash) so hard in my life!! Looking at it was the way i could tell if Master was slowing down or if i was going too fast. The minute i would see it start to lose tension, i immediately slowed down. Stopping wasn't that easy either. The whole entire time was just...wow. Then Master handed the leash to k so He could watch me walk back and forth across the room. i didn't really mind being led by k. Indeed, i liked knowing that Master would fix anything He didn't like and k leading me around was fun in it's own way. (too bad she stayed clothed....::grin:: lol) After Master had critiqued my walk and i came back to His feet, He decided that i should crawl for M and k. M made the comment that my hips swayed a little much (or something like that) and k said i crawled like a feline...however, Master said that He loved the way i crawled which i must admit made me happy. Knowing that He was pleased gave me additional confidence with my crawling. After i had once again returned to Master, He went off into His room. What He was going to get i had no clue but i soon found out when He returned. Master had told me many times that He was interested in crawl training. i think i took it for granted that since He liked the way i crawled, i would never go through it. Guess again! lol Not only was i going to go through it, M and k were there to watch! Master's crawl training consisted of 4 nipple clamps. 1 attached to each of my nipples and then 1 attached to each lip of my cu*t. To make things more interesting, they all were attached to my wrist and ankles cuffs. Each one separately...so that if i moved my hand forward too much, i would pull on my nipples. If my legs trailed too far back, the same result. Only on my cu*t lips. Getting the clamps and the leather string attached was really......interesting. lol i had to get into a crawl position and hold it....each arm extended and my legs. Goodness....i felt pretty exposed really and that coil of anticipation and nervousness became tightly wound. i started wondering what this was going to be like, if i would have trouble doing it at first. i felt a little bit of plaything and despite my initial embarrassment, my arousal level was building. Or maybe because of the situation i was in....or it could have been the clamps....as long as i did not move they felt okay. After all was said and done, i sat kneeling at Master's feet when He gave the command..... "crawl." Light and easy was His tone and i started to crawl as i always do. The first sharp bit of unexpected pain had me cringing back....no longer sure of what i was doing. my confidence was removed as i became the humble student. "Crawl!" Master said, His tone clipped and harsher than before. i knew in His hand He held a cane...crop...i honestly cannot remember. What i do remember is that i did not want Him to use it on me....He shouldn't have to in this situation....i am to obey Him. That train of thought brought me into realization of my submission and i took a deep breath and slowly started forward.

Lead the way

2008-03-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

M and k came over for dinner. This was something that we all were looking forward to and i was chopping vegetables when they knocked on the door. Master answered the door and i heard the hellos and then the sound of everyone walking into the kitchen. i turned, say k and M and went over to give them both a hug. Of course i turned back to my chopping duties while everyone started talking. Always interesting conversation filled with numerous topics. One of the really cool things is that Master opened a bottle of wine. And not just any bottle but the bottle He bought a year ago when He flew to see me for the first time. He has never opened it, just waited for a special occasion. So that was very sweet and the wine tasted lovely as well, so that was an added bonus. lol As all of us talked, Master and i prepared dinner. Steak, scallops, shrimp, homemade mashed potatoes, salad....so very very yummy. That and apple pie and ice cream for dessert. While we were eating, i asked Master if i could please use the dishwasher for all the plates and such. i even stated to M and k that i know Master could always make me do them by hand but that i always hope that i don't have to whenever we have a big dinner. However i am sure that one day......lol. Back to the subject. Master had told me before the dinner started that He had plans but He would not inform me of what they were. Being honest, i knew that something was going to happen but i had somehow put it in the back of my mind. M was standing at the other end of Master's breakfast bar, k was petting the new puppy and i was standing next to Master when He dropped the bomb. Master simply looked at me and told me to strip. i paused for about half a second and then took of my clothes. One by one and carefully folded them up. M made a comment that made me giggle and i started to laugh when Master pointed out that k hadn't noticed that i was taking off my clothes. Well, needless to say, k popped up rather quickly which sent us all into laughter. So there i was, naked except for heels. i feel really comfortable though....being naked around M and k is something that feels normal in a way. i remember walking into the area where Master has His computer and such while He was speaking with M and k. It was then i found out that Master's plan for me that evening was to start on leash training. It was something He and i had discussed before and i was excited to try it. i honestly thought that i couldn't be that hard to do and that my biggest challenge would be staying far enough away from Master so that the leash stayed taut. Little did i know how i would be challenged before the night was through.

When Vanilla Comes First

2008-02-22T05:31:00.000-08:00

i'm baaaack! lol Actually i have been back for a few days but have been unable to write for school obligations must come first. This visit to Master proved to be interesting in many regards. Sometimes the vanilla world must come first and so it was with this visit to Sir. There were so many things happening that i think Master and i both ran out of energy, mentally and physically. You see, Master got a new puppy. The puppy is adorable, cute and very very energetic to say the least. lol That and the puppy is still being house trained. So between the frequent bathroom visits outside (including waking up in the middle of the night) and lots of play time and fussing over him, i think the puppy wore us both out! So to add to that, i was in the middle of learning something at school which was extremely difficult. Master helped me out so much and i was thanking Him all weekend. Without Him, i doubt i would have even been able to start on my homework, let alone finish it. But He and i ended up spending little over 9 hours in 3 days working on my assignment. And that was just working on my assignment, not the questions i ended up asking at His home about it. That and the other homework i had to complete. Master said that my homework came first and i must agree that it did this visit. But even in the midst off all things that were happening, Master and i were still able to find some time to sit back and relax. From my perspective, i was just happy that i was able to be in Master's presence all weekend, even if i was sitting at my laptop typing away for school. M and k did come over one night for dinner, which i will write about soon. Master decided to start me on some new training and i ended up being pushed in a way i had not expected, which had some rather interesting results of me crying in His kitchen. That and i have in mind to write about something else that happened or rather what i was thinking when i was doing it. Full of mysteries aren't i?

One year in the making

2008-02-13T00:19:00.000-08:00

Only a week left until i am to go back to Master! The emotions and thoughts that that brings are certainly that of a variety. See, this visit will be of significance. Not only will it be practically Valentine's Day, it will also be one year to the day, that i first met Master in r/l. One year already.....how time flies. Sometimes that passage of time seems like it was yesterday and sometimes it seems like we have known each other longer than that. i look back on myself.....and the changes are so immense. Not only on the outside but the inside. Focusing on the outside for a moment, when i fist met Master, my hair was short and i was pale as ghost. Now i stay lightly tanned and my hair is long. Okay, so not so much on the outside. lol But on the inside....goodness that is plenty. On the inside there has been personal growth as well as growth as a slave. i have learned so much about myself. Some things i am still working on, some i have done rather well with. But here is a list of things that i have learned, experienced and still need to learn (or to a better extent).

1 Year in the making....the things i have learned

~ It is okay to cry. i still have problems with that....for me, in some ways, crying is more intimate that sex. i guess because i feel so vulnerable and small. When i feel like that, i just want to be held and protected. i have learned that Master will be there if and when that happens and that i can trust Him to give me that center i may need so badly. i have learned that it takes strength to open myself like that....turns out i may not have been as strong as i once thought.

~ How to really enjoy sex. Sounds a little weird i know but it is true. Before i met Master, sex was probably the most disgusting thing a person could do. lol But, through careful thought (and a lot of patience) on Master's part, i slowly came out of the protective shell i once was in. Truth be told, i was afraid of the intimacy of it all. Afraid i wasn't any good at it, that i wasn't very pleasing, afriad of letting someone in on that level. Now i embrace it, still learning more about my sexual self but have gained confidence in many ways.

~ Patience. Okay, still working on that one. lol But getting better with time.

~ How to watch how i say something. i used to have a really bad 24/7 case of open mouth insert foot. Now i think a bit more carefully about what i say. Even if i am joking around with Master, i have come to learn that "point", which not to cross. Master will tolerate my occasional spurts of being a smart-ass and slightly bratty but i have learned that that tolerance is usually short lived. lol Which is something i have come to appreciate. i like knowing that Master has limits with that and will put me back in place if i step out of line. (Besides what He finds amusing at the moment) Obviously, i try very hard not to give into to those impulses very often.

~ Begging. Hmm...when i first started to get the idea of begging, my micro-managing, over analytical mind broke begging down to semantics. Begging because i needed something...well...that was a little hard. i'm usually of the mindset that there is very little i need in the way of life. So it was hard to find that space inside my head. The first time i actually begged Master for something, it was because it was something that i wanted and i needed to let Him know that. i needed to let Him know that i was genuine in my request and i wanted to please Him by doing so. So in a way, my want was all surrounded by a need and a want. Hope that makes sense. lol Once i was able to clear that up, i then was able to find that space. Without feeling guilty. Which brings me to my next point.

~ Not to feel guilty of asking for something i want. Whether it be a vibe (haven't asked for that one yet...hmmmm lol) candy (i have a sweet tooth) or really my most addicting indulgence, asking Master if i may please have permission to suck His co*k. Asking for something that i want or something i want to do is perfectly okay, as long as it is done in a respectable fashion. i may not always get permission but asking does not make me selfish or greedy or anything like that. It took me a while to ask Master if i may suck His co*k the first time....but i was allowed the privilege so i was really happy to be able to serve Him in that manner.

~ S/m. Breaking that down, there are toys Master has that i do not personally care for....that doesn't matter but i am just saying. lol Some we have not tried and they make me nervous. The one toy He has in His collection that drives me up the wall would be that stinger of His. Ouchies.....the thing works wonders on wet skin and i keep having images of Master bringing a bowl of water to bed or something. It pushes my boundaries of pain but even though my brain is going "no no" my body seems to go "yes yes". That thing can make me cry pretty easily. i have also learned that when Master mixes up toys quickly, i lean on Him (figuratively speaking) pretty heavily. In a way, i like being pushed to that extent because at that time, i do not have a lot of time for thought, only reactions. If you can't think about your reactions you can't hide them. Not saying that i do that but i have caught myself in the past editing myself. What else...ahh yes. Other toys that i love. i know that they are going to hurt but i crave them anyways. Never thought about that a year ago. Never really thought about it period....it was one of those things that i really wasn't sure about in the beginning. Even then, Master moved slow with me, giving me good experiences before starting to push my boundaries.

~ Bondage. Okay, i am a bondage slut. Big bondage slut. Something about being tied up makes me go all fuzzy inside. When Master ties me up, it is a myriad of emotions within me. i feel nervous, aroused, humbled, very submissive and owned. As i have stated before, Master is the first person ever to tie me up and i look back and see how hard that pushed me and how far i have come from that point. A long long way.

~ How submissive i am. Before i begun this journey with Master, i still didn't really understand what being submissive even meant. i knew how i felt but i did not have a title to go with it, or a way to express it. my inital thoughts were close but Master gave me so much insight into submission and in doing so, into myself. Thus my journey started in earnest and i now proudly wear the title slave.

~ To submit. Okay, this was harder than i thought it would be at first. The first time i submitted to Master in r/l was the first time He tied me up. i felt the beginning edges of panic but trusted in Him, leaned on Him and submitted to what He wanted to do because it pleased Him. What an eye opener that was! Not only to submit in that manner but to also submit on a daily basis. Like not masturbating, doing my daily and nightly ritual. By thinking about what He would want me to do, when i am not with Him and what decision would best serve and please Master. Since then i have always strive to go deeper within my submission....ways to show my submission to Him at all times.

~ How to open up. To be emotional. How to show my emotions and not run from them. Because of this, in this past year, i have become a softer person. More romantic, not so afraid of showing someone that side of me. Now, those silly, romantic, fun moments are something i cherish.

~ To trust. This one....well....was really very hard. Being truthful, i trusted Master as first but not a deep level. i did not know Him well enough to do that. That took time and within that time, i began to trust Him with the hidden part of myself. The emotions that Master knows are there, but not shown very often. The fears and hopes that i have, for my future. i trust Him with the part of me that gives unconditionally and without reservation. Only Master has that right in my life, it is one of the freedoms i have within our dynamic. Come to think of it, Master has rights no one else has ever had. But it all lies within trust.

With things i still need to work on. Hmm, i think that is a touchy discussion within ones self. To say that i could improve upon something but not down myself for it. Or think that i am not doing good enough as a slave. i think that requires that i take a step back and look at myself. i think within my place as slave there are a couple of things i could improve upon.

~ my posture. Sometimes i find myself slouching and even though i do correct myself immediatly, i think that i could better work on keeping my posture correct at all times.

~ Defending myself. Yeah..i am actually really bad with that. Master and i have spoken where numerous times He just waits for that "but" to escape my lips. Sometimes He laughs at it but i really think this is something i need to work on. i see it as a form of acceptance. i should not explain myself unless it is A) requested of me or B) it is of grave import. Just saying "but" to just add on to the conversation is something that, i personally, think isn't within my place. If Master has something He wants to tell me, or He is giving me an example where i could have done better, i should accept, without adding anything, that this is something that i could do better with. Master isn't doing it to insult me or say that i am a bad slave, He is doing it because He cares for me and He wants to help me learn.

~ Still needing to work on opening up and becoming more emotional. This really is a hard one for me.....i know that a lot of people never intend to hurt you....but that it will probably happen anyways. The thing to focus on is knowing the difference between non-intentional vs intentional. i am aware of this and goodness knows i have apologized more than enough times for things i have done or thought i have done. Some part of me is just wary....maybe i am a bit more jaded than i thought.....and i really don't like that. Makes me feel yucky inside. ::sigh::

~ Saying sorry all the time. This is something that Master and i have had discussions about before and He is right to correct me. Just another thing that i think i really need to change and although i do try, sometimes the words slip right out anyways.

~ my service to Master. Now, i am not saying that Master isn't pleased with what i have accomplished or how hard i try. From what He has told me, it is quite the opposite really. But, taking into account something from our last visit. i told Master that i was looking for ways to better serve Him. He brought up making coffee. Although i do make the coffee every morning, it would be more beneficial to Him if i were to start making His coffee before He wakes up. Which means when i wake up before Him (even if it is 6:15am), i should get up, feed His dogs and make His coffee. He and i discussed that He would probably wake up...but that He doesn't mind. He would rather wake up to coffee than have to wait for me to make it. This is just an example of how i might fine tune ways i serve Him already. In so doing i serve Him better which in turn makes me feel happy and content.

~ Overall communication. i can speak with Master, answer any questions He might have and joke around. However, when it comes to my fantasies, what i would like to try and emotions, i clam up. With fantasies, i am always nervous that maybe what i am thinking about it intense and heavy. With what i would like to try, i don't want to seem pushy. With my emotions, well...i am working on that one. It is my duty to Master as His slave to tell Him all of these things. i keep in mind that my only job is to be honest with Him and that it is within His power to act on any of it. Still isn't very easy, more since i am pretty shy. Even though i am working on my communication, it is still something i see that could use much improvement.

~ Consistency. Okay, Master brought this up last night actually. See, i thought that i would have this blog entry done by Sunday but sure enough, i wasn't finished. Not even by monday. Master told me that it would have been better of me to tell Him right off that i would not be able to get it done by His time limit instead of saying "no problem Sir, it will be posted tonight". In other words i should not tell Him what i think he wants to hear but what is in fact the probable outcome. He also told me that i have been doing this more and more frequently....it makes me feel bad that this has been happening.

Well, i think i may have covered all of the bases of things i feel as though i still need to work on. Actually, the list is a little shorter than i thought it would be be but the subjects i feel are important ones. A year in the making. Although i am sure that there are things Master sees that could use improvement, these are ones that popped into my head. No one likes admitting that they have faults or that they are lacking in something they feel they should be doing but to say that i am perfect...well...yeah. lol i strive for it, i look to become more and more each day but ultimately, i will never be perfect. i am just thankful that Master does not expect perfection from me, only that i constantly try my best. Wow, one year. my only wish is that there will be more years in store for me as Master's slave.

Gift

2008-02-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

i have been given a gift by Master. i am off restriction for a week, although right now, 5 more days. Yay! lol It is a treat indeed that i have been a good girl and have been given permission to masturbate. Actually, i have to masturbate every day. i am such a lucky slave! Since i still follow my protocol by stripping every time i use the bathroom, i am to use no less than 2 of my bathroom breaks to masturbate for 2 to 3 minutes. i am to get myself as aroused as possible but i am never to cum during that time. Needless to say, by nightfall i am pretty aroused and antsy. Then, at the end of my night, instead of doing positions, i am allowed to masturbate. Master was kind enough to allow me to cum if i felt the need to. Something for which i am very grateful for! All of this sounded wonderful and then i ran across the last part of Master's instructions. During my masturbation, either during my bathroom breaks or at night, i am to repeat this mantra. i am Sir's wet cu*t, please use this wet cu*t. Which was a little difficult at first. Most of us are taught that saying the word cu*t, let alone using it to describe ones self or others, it extremely wrong. It is almost like an unspoken agreement between women, for the most part. So using that term for myself made me feel a little funny. Don't get me wrong, i have begged Master plenty of time to please use His slut's cu*t. But i have never referred to myself as one. Doing so made me feel like blushing yet, admittedly, i also became aroused. Repeating that mantra over and over had me falling into the mindset that of Sir's slut....and i had some rather arousing images come into my mind as well. Even though i have been doing this new ritual for two days, my mind still seems to seize up the first few seconds and i have to push back what i have been taught. But getting past it i am and hopefully by the end of my time off restriction i will be more comfortable with the phrase.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

2008-02-03T20:07:00.000-08:00

It has been decided that i should start learning how to Dom other female subs/slaves. Eeekkk! lol It is very, very different. Many of the things Master did when we first met makes a bit more sense and looking at my training from His perspective is unique to say the least. i can now see what His view when He says that i have come very far and that He is proud of me. At first, i was pretty excited until i stopped and thought about the particulars of what responsible Dom/me does. It is different.....knowing what responsibilities are included in being a Domme and actually applying them are two very different things. That and i do not have a sadistic bone in my body....except for possibly nipples. i could do nipples....lol. i could see myself applying nipple clamps....but only because i love them so much myself. ::grin:: i see myself as more of a Domme that has another sub/slave do more of domestic services. Learning how to Dominant someone is almost like having a duel set of mindsets. The first and foremost is that of Master's slave, the second being the growing aspect of my own Dominant nature. i asked myself when this was first brought up how i was to find balance between the two. Finally i came to this conclusion. There is no balance and probably never will be. As much as i may enjoy the idea of learning how to Dominant another sub/slave in the verbal, emotional and mental aspects, i really see myself more of an "overseer". To make sure that another sub/slave is pleasing Master to the best of her ability. To be there to guide and mentor her, to be there if she has any questions of sorts. i see myself Dominating another women because either it pleases Master, or it is something that He has given me permission to do. In some ways this is confusing....lol. However, i am sure that within time everything will sort itself out. i am still rather excited about this type of exploration and it opens new doors for Master and i. i have sooo much to learn but i am willing and eager to do so. Chances are, i will write about this again as i continue to learn...just as Master did with my submission, i am sure that i will learn about this in baby steps. Which is a way i have found to be best.....thanks to Master i have learned how to be more patient. (Still learning but getting much better) All of this is how i feel right now but as with every thing, i am sure my opinions and thoughts will change as i experience and learn about this aspect of myself. So continue to look for updates as this part of my journey with Master unfolds.

Photoshoot

2008-01-27T22:33:00.000-08:00

After taking M and k's coats, we all gravitated to Master's kitchen. There we sat and spoke while making a pizza and drinking some wine. i was still within that wonderful deep submissive mindset and was quite content to sit back and listen to everyone else speak around me. After a while i started to come out of that mindset, became more talkative and was sipping the wine Master was allowing me to have. Some wonderful conversations....lots of stuff to laugh about. BDSM, the lifestyle, k doing some projects and modeling and of course the everyday vanilla life we all live. With M and k, there is always interesting conversation to be had. There are things to catch up on and talking about possible plans for the future. At one point in time, the topic of some pictures i brought with me on this trip got brought up. They are pics of when i was younger and a lot less inhibited, to say the very least. Master had me go get them and at first i was blushing at the idea but soon it did not bother me. i know that M and k have probably seen more graphic things during their time involved with BDSM. They did like the pics though. lol Which brought up the next thing that happened. After we had all eaten dinner and such, Master explained that He wanted some BDSM themed pics of He and i taken. i was actually very excited....it was the first time that Master and i have ever been in a photo together. As silly and as small as a picture is, i was really looking forward to it. M said the He didn't mind being the photographer and k had fun dressing me up. lol The first thing i was wearing was the wrist and ankle cuffs with heels. Completely naked but as always, i felt dressed with the cuffs on. i was so....anxious/excited that Master decided to let me wear them. Going into position to put them on started to put me back into that mindset. Not the cuffs so much as it was doing the positions. But absolutely lovely anyways. As i was getting the cuffs on, M took some candid shots of k...soo cute! lol Then Master and M got down to business. Changing the lighting, k helping with poses, straightening my hair, making suggestions. It was so much fun to do! Doing the poses with Master made me feel very submissive and again put me into a wonderful head space. There is one where i am on my knees and my hands are behind my head. Also know as pos.4. Well one of Master's hand is in my hair, gripping it tightly and the other was gripping my wrist. Not painfully so but very firm. i must admit i was getting aroused being there at His feet with His hands holding me there. ::shiver:: Oh yes, lots and lots of fun. lol To fast forward a bit, after the BDSM pics were done, k and i went back into Master's room where she got to "dress me up". lol So i was put in black stockings, heels and a garter with rhinestones. Nothing else. Such a sexy outfit...i had little images of being used in that actually. i walked out into the living room where the only expression i was looking for was Master's. The look of approval on His face made my night. He was very pleased with how i looked and i was so happy about that. So back to posing i went and at one point in time, M was talking about something and i said something in the form of a joke. Well....Master and M decided that i was being a little bratty so M got to spank me. i did apologize but Master has a pic that He says is priceless. The look on my face is anything but contrite. ::Blush:: i suppose even i have my days, although i try for it not to happen often. Overall M was cool with everything and all of us even got a laugh out of it. On the way back to Master's bedroom to do another change, k snapped the garter belt. It stung and i had the evil little thought of revenge. So i called from the bedroom to Master and M if i may please have permission to get k back. lol Well, Master said He did not mind and M said "What's the magic word?". k was mouthing it to me and i just didn't get it. lol Then M (a mind reader like Master, i swear) said "It is the word k is mouthing to you right now!" The word was "now" and once i said it, M gave me permission and smack!! i got k on the ass with my hand. (i had fun with that actually- lol) After the fun and frolic i got changed. The next set of pics i was wearing red. Now that is something i do not really often wear but k and i thought it could be nice and even Master said to go ahead and wear it. i even put on red lipstick- which Master didn't like really, so needless to say, i took it off. (i did get a pic from it though) Again, back to changing. i did a lot of that really. The next was a purple number which Master liked very much. His favorite color is purple so i wasn't too surprised really. But He has possession of a number of photos from the purple. Lots of "jessica rabbit" poses is what He calls them. you know, i forgot to put in here that eventually, k ended up with her top and bra off! That was very nice, as always. ::grin:: i have always said that i enjoy k being naked very much and that opinion has not changed in the least. After everything had been put away, we all stood around talking for a little bit longer before M and k said that they had to go. There was a New Year's Eve party they were planning on attending and they didn't want to be late. So shortly we all said good bye and wished each other a happy new years. The entire photo shoot was extremely fun but i must admit, just hanging out with M and k was wonderful by itself. Out off all the pics and there was quite a few, Master chose His favorites to keep and i was even allowed to pick a couple i really liked.So Master even sent me a couple of the pics of He and i....i have my favorite of course. In it, the only words i can think of when it comes to His expression is tender and gentle, with a slight smile on His face. (so i have a mushy side after all lol) And yet, if you were to look closer, the Dominance Master has is apparent. From His expression to His body language, it is there. He is looking down at me, hand in my hair, fisted tightly. i remember holding onto His jacket and looking into His eyes. The fact that M and k were there blurred and, in my mind, He and i were just as we are. Master and slave. But again, it is a very nice pic and i was very happy that Master sent it to me. A very great time had by all and hopefully we will run into each other again soon.

Forging a submissive mindset:: Obedience re-affirmed

2008-01-20T06:13:00.000-08:00

Master led me back into the main part of the house. i saw where i was going but things were feeling a little surreal. i felt there but i didn't feel there....how is that for confusing? lol i walked on shaky legs, my mind trying to work, trying to function at full capacity but to no avail. i still wondered what it was Master was going to do or have me do, the memories seem now of that particular moment seem a bit hazy. i remember being led in His room and standing there for a moment. i remember Master using my mouth but i cannot seem to remember what position i was in or how it came about. i do remember that it felt like the most natural thing in the world to suck Master's c*ck and that i felt happy that i was allowed to serve Him in such an erotic manner. That is all i could think of....how i may serve Him and although that is usually on my mind, in this instance it was so amplified. my focus on Master was intense....every movement He made, what He wanted.....i was sinking deeper and deeper into to that place of unthinking obedience. After Master had used me until He came, He stood and went about doing various things. It wasn't more than a few minutes when i asked Master if i may have permission to take a shower....M and k were to show up soon and i knew that Master would want me looking my best. He gave me permission and i busied myself getting clothing and such ready. i felt a little spacey but giggly and yet also calm in a way. As timing would have it, i had just finished up getting my things together when Master came into the bathroom. He looked at me and while His head nodded in the direction of the shower, Master told me to get in and kneel. i drew in a slightly shaking breath and followed His instructions. After i got into the shower, it occurred to me how shaky i still was and took a deep breath in to relax and calm myself. i stayed there kneeling, mouth slightly open and cautiously raising my eyes to meet His, when Master started to pee on me. At first He started at my chest but quickly moved to my mouth. As i felt my mouth start to fill, i had a small wave of panic come over me. Every time Master does this, natural instinct tells me to either close my mouth or to push it out of my mouth and i fight it every time. i have to focus on Master and the fact that i know that He would be pleased if i swallowed, i focus on my submission and draw strength to do the opposite of what my body wants me to do. Even though i enjoy golden showers and even find the erotic aspect in it, it can still be hard to swallow those first few moments. When my mouth filled the first time, i gently pushed some of it out and swallow the rest. Then again i opened my mouth and this became a repetitive action, each time becoming easier and easier as i ceased to think about swallowing. It became...not instinct but..... something else. Like i had moved past the boundaries of thought and cause to a place where it was something i accepted without reservation. So i stayed there, in that mind set, falling deeper into that space of submission and acceptance. When Master was done, He was still holding His c*ck and i knew He wanted me to kiss it....a form of c*ck worship. While still in pos.4 i raised up and kissed His c*ck, lightly licking to remove the couple of droplets left behind. For some reason, my entire being locked onto to pleasuring Master and the next thing i knew, Master was allowing me to suck His c*ck yet again. (lucky slave!!!) Master allowed me to service Him for a few minutes and then withdrew from my mouth and proceeded to zip up His pants and such. Most of the time when He has me stop servicing Him, i pout a little bit on the inside...lol. Just being honest. This time though, i leaned back on my heels, calm and focused and just waited for what Master wanted me to do next and i looked up at Him and smiled. He looked at me, said "good girl", then smiled. Oh, how sometimes i feel as though i live for those words and looks that only Master can give when i have pleased Him. (anyone else calling me a good girl would probably get laughed at....come to think of it, Master is the only one i can think that has ever used that term for me) He suggested that i now take my shower and was kind enough to allow me out of the shower while He started it and got it toasty warm. Hmm.....delicious warm water feels very good. lol As i stood in the shower, that supreme feeling of submission, surrealism and acceptance came largely into play and i found myself drifting off into my own little world. Part of me would have loved to just lay there, with the shower on my back but i knew that i had to get ready for Master's guests. It sucks trying to make yourself function when all you want to do is curl up in a little ball and cuddle. lol But i manged enough to wash my hair, put up the floor mat for the shower and get ready for the night. As soon as i was finished though, i stopped trying to make myself function (mentally) and just relaxed into what i was feeling. At that point and time, i was at the point of unquestioning obedience. i know, deep inside, that anything Master could have asked on me would have been done without hesitation or question. i didn't feel as though i could really make any decisions....i knew what needed to be done around His home but other than that, i felt as though making decisions was beyond my ability at that point. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, i know that me being able to reach that mindset is related to how much i trust Master. When M and k showed up a few minutes later, i knew that they would understand what was going on and didn't try to make myself outgoing or talkative. i just stayed in my own little head space of submission and took their coats after quietly saying hello. M looked at me and made a friendly joke about my demeanor.....normally i would have laughed with Master and them but all i did was smile sweetly. M asked Master what was going on and He told them what happened. Not in any great detail but the jist of it all. As i thought they would, M and k understood immediately, so i was under no pressure to hurry out of the head space i was in. my body was still tired but i soon regained some energy after walking into the kitchen with everyone. So my day went as follows....had a good morning, followed by frustration, then disobedience and disrespect, sadness, worry/confusion, forced orgasm, pain to arousal and ultimately a very, very deep submissive mindset. Master took my screw-up with disobedience and disrespect and, instead of punishing me, led me into a space of the extreme exact opposite. Long, interesting day and the night was not quiet over with.

Forging a submissive mindset::Pain & Pleasure

2008-01-14T06:30:00.000-08:00

i giggled.....i couldn't help it....it was the only thing my frantic brain would allow me to do. i calmly (as possible) looked at Sir and said how cool i thought the perch looked. In side, i was a trembling mass of nerves. As i moved to stand over the harley, Master leaned over to adjust it so it was right against my cu*t. Just having it sit there, knowing what it would do to me, my emotions running at high speed and uncertain of what would happen made me feel off kilter, even more so than before. i wasn't sure if this was going to be a punishment or if this was Master using me but i soon found out. After i was positioned the way Master decided and the harley was firmly against my cu*t, Sir grabbed some rope and proceed to my legs so that i could not move away from the perch. i was on my tiptoes the entire time and was soon finding out how hard it could be to stay that way. At the time, my mind was going "this isn't so bad.....just stay relaxed every where else but your legs and omg.....i really can't move!" While Master finished tying my legs, i took a couple of deep breaths trying to stay my nerves and thoughts. When He was finished, Master looked at me, grinned with that "just-you-wait" grin and said something to the effect that He remembered that i asked to try the harley on high. All i could do was swallow, my eyes closing and the giggle from nerves that was in my throat erupted. i simply replied "yes Sir" as i was sure no other words were needed. Master turned the harley on high and my body, even though i was tied, tried to jump away. Constant arousal and no cumming (my body was just being "off" this visit for some reason) made my cu*t so sensitive, that for a second, i thought i was going to cum immediately. But i didn't, so instead it continued to cause a whole load of sensations. my mind had become blank.....all i could think was "oh.....my....God....." i moaned, squirmed and tensed up. i became very thankful that Master did not tie my hands about me head, for my hands ended up grabbing the perch. All in an attempt to breath and hold on to something. lol For the most part, i was staying on my toes pretty well, feeling the sensations from the vibe when Master effectively threw me off balance yet again. i was standing, focusing on staying on my toes when i felt the stingy flogger on my back. my concentration broke, my weight fell on the vibe. The sensations from the vibe increased so much so fast and the sting of the flogger was just.....wow. lol It is hard to explain....the flogger hurt...i cried out and then swiftly moaned immediately afterward...that amazing pleasure/pain aspect came into play and within a few strokes i was asking Master if His slut may please have permission to cum for Him. He gave me permission and after i had yelled out with the orgasm i was allowed to have, my body naturally dropped to the floor. Big mistake....i was sensitive and the pressure of my cu*t on the vibe was too much. i gasped and i instantly raised myself back onto my toes to avoid the sting from a slight too much sensations. i wavered a little bit, holding onto the perch for balance. (Actually i pretty much held onto the perch the entire time-lol) Even though i was on my toes (as much as i could be) the harley was still hitting my cu*t. However, after about minute, the vibrations turned back into pleasure and i was able to breath just a little bit easier. At the time i was thinking that Master was done with me and that i would be allowed to get down but that was not His intention. He had me still stand there, moaning, slightly shaky, aroused and wet. i can't remember exactly how much time passes....time no longer had any meaning for me. i was just feeling....not thinking to much, just reacting to what was happening. At some point in time, Master went and got the crop and started with the back of my thighs. Ahhhh.....that stung like...ooh..at first. my legs would tense up and although at first i was trying to concentrate on my legs, it became the last thing i wanted to think about. Staying on my toes was beginning to hurt...i was feeling a slight burn in my calves and all i wanted to do was put my legs down. i think Master switched back to the flogger for a time and then back to the crop. Whenever Sir does this, i can't seem to keep up (mentally) with what He is doing, which i have learned is one way to make me break down emotionally. Which accounts for what happened. i was completely lost in the feeling of the crop and the harley, the pleasure either inter-mixing or greater than whatever pain my legs and over-sensitive cu*t where feeling, when the urge to cum made itself known. Part of me wasn't sure about cumming but i didn't fight it and i asked Master if i again may have permission to cum for Him. He did not give me permission right away and i grabbed the perch so hard my knuckles turned white...i was panting, trying to breath to not cum unless i had permission. Even in my aroused and foggy brain, i knew i had to try my best to not cum unless Master said i could. He stayed silent for a moment and then said "Do you really need to cum?" i replied in a breathless voice, "yes Sir...please may Your slut cum for You please Sir?" He said "yes chai, you may" and when i started to cum, my weight yet again fell onto the vibe. Goodness....i think i shrieked after i came and came back on my toes faster than i could think. i did not, by any means, want that thing to touch my cu*t at that moment but the way Master had it set up it was anyways. At least it wasn't as intense since i was farther away from it but even then it thrust me to another orgasm building. By that time, all the moving i had done, the ropes had loosed just enough for my cu*t to be able to slide back and forth across the vibe and my hips moved of their own accord. When i realized what i was doing, i stopped but Master said "Go ahead, you may move your hips" and then, it felt like i had no control over my own body. i was panting, moaning, moving....a little sweaty (just a little) and although i was tired, there was no way i could refuse or even object to anything Master wanted of me. By this time, my legs were so tired that it was officially painful to stay on my toes and part of me wanted to just rest. i had my head down, arms on the perch, when the next thing i knew, Sir was standing beside me. He grabbed my hair, pulled me so i was facing Him and asked in a hard and commanding tone "Do you want to cum for Me?" i looked at Him, all pretenses and defenses gone and whimpered. i replied "i don't know Sir......" "Do you feel another orgasm building?" i whimpered again..."yes Sir" He let go and i put myself again closer to the perch. It was then (i think) that the vibe had somewhat moved so Master moved it back and bam! There it was, fully hitting my cu*t and i yelped, moaned and shuddered. i was constantly making noise, unable to hold anything back, when Master stood behind me, grabbed my hips and pressed His crotch against my very hot, very wet, bare ass. i could feel the hardness from His cock and my eyes rolled back into my head. Too erotic and had i been able to formulate words in a coherent manner, i would have begged for Him to fuck me. my body moved against His jeans, seeking further contact, His hands on my hips, helping my hips move up and down was so very erotic.... Sir's hands tightened. In a low, hard, intense tone of voice He said to me "Do you feel that? That is what your submission does for me." All i can say, i was soooo gone. i was no longer there mentally...i felt.....without a single doubt in the entire world, completely, utterly, owned. As in all i could feel was that i was His, my entire being leaning on His instructions. my legs were burning...it hurt to simply move, my stomach was feeling sore from standing up for so long and cumming, my whole body felt fatigued but this is what Master wanted and i couldn't resist anything. my brain was foggy from pain and pleasure, earlier instances had left me feeling open before Master even told me to get into the dungeon and i was just......bare. i kept moving against Him, against the vibe when i had to ask for permission to cum. Master gave permission and i screamed. ::grin:: i'll admit it, i did. It was intense and harsh, my whole body releasing any energy i had left in that one action. As soon as my orgasm was over, Sir somehow appeared by my side and the words flew out of my mouth before i could think of them. "please....no more Sir" my breath was shaky, my whole body tense. i could feel every bit of pain and i dreaded having another orgasm. i was tired.....and although i knew that my simple plea may not convince Him to let me stop, i was very grateful when Master said in a soft tone, "yes, you can stop now" i raised myself on very shaky and weak legs while Sir turned off the vibe and lowered it, so that i could lower my body to the floor. Even though i wanted to drop, i stayed in position until Master said i could lower myself. He untied my legs and gave me a hand, so that i may step off the perch. i was quiet....sinking into myself.....feeling that mindset of total obedience. As He led me out of the dungeon i was unsure of what would happen next, but i soon found out what else Master desired to do.

Work before play

2008-01-10T22:20:00.000-08:00

Hello to all in "bloggerland"! lol i promise i haven't gone anywhere but i have been very busy as of late as i have started back with school and entered college. Yay!! It is a lot harder than i thought it would be and being honest, not as much fun as writing for my blog. ::grin:: But i must focus on my studies. In fact, Master even made a rule about blogging, just so He would know i was staying focused. i am not allowed to blog or anything like that until my homework is done. Pure and simple. It isn't easy but i know that Master has my best interests at heart and when i get frustrated at not writing, i remind myself of a few key facts. 1) i get to write for the blog because Master allows me to. i know that if He ever wants to, Master has the password and can always delete the blog if He so chooses. 2) Master does have my best interests at heart and that He is right when He says that school needs to come first and last but in no means least, 3) Sir is my Master and His rules go, no allowance for disobedience. i am His slave and i will obey Him, even if i get frustrated at times. But do not worry, i have permission to write when i can (after homework!!) and i hope to post something in the next day or two. i can't wait to post what happened next.....

Forging a submissive mindset :: The screw-up

2008-01-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

The day started out fine for the most part. Master and i awoke a little earlier than usual, for He had made an appointment to get His cable for the tv fixed. Well the guy was taking what felt like forever to arrive and i could see that Master was becoming more and more agitated. i felt bad that things were not going well and even worse for the situation when the guy didn't show up at all. Needless to say, Master was not pleased. What happened next in no way justifies my actions and in fact made things a little worse. Here goes. i had been saying "i'm sorry" to Sir all morning, not knowing what else to do, knowing that nothing more could be done. i just didn't know how to make Him feel better and the more it was apparent that i couldn't, the more agitated and frustrated i became. i love making Master's life easier and i just couldn't this time. i hated the feeling....as with all my friends, when something goes wrong, i am the first to try and comfort them or cheer them up. With this, i felt lost. Master and i were standing at the fridge getting ready to make lunch when "it" happened. i said i was sorry for about the umpteenth time and now agitated with me, Master told me to stop saying i was sorry. Instead of just simple responding "Yes Sir, it is just that i know You are not happy and i am unsure of what else to do" (what i seriously wish i would have said), i went off. i said something around the lines of "What? i can't say that i am sorry that Your day has sucked so far? i'm not allowed to feel bad?.........Sir" By the time i finished that sentence, i was yelling and when i saw His eyes flash all i could think was, "Oh God, what did i just do??" Suddenly i felt like the proverbial rabbit facing a snake. i knew beyond all shadow of doubt that i had way, way over stepped my bounds. i was in shock.....i remember just standing there, unable to formulate words, even though my brain was screaming at me to say something, anything. Master turned and without a word, continued to make His lunch. i was silent.....i washed a few dishes all the while wondering what would happen and feeling worse by the second. i kept repeating in my head, "stupid, stupid, stupid......what the hell did you just do.....omg, i am so f*cked and this.....how do i fix this....should i try to talk to Him......aghhhh, i can feel how angry He is.....oh, i'm so sorry" i did speak to Master a couple of time...testing the water to see if i could speak with Him. All i got was short, curt replies, probably more than i deserved. By the time He got done making His lunch i was desperate.....the emotions flying in me faster than i could think, feeling like i could burst from the intensity. As we walked over to the table Master firmly grabbed and stopped me. He had me face Him and in a quiet voice, spoke to me. Told me, very firmly i might add, that the next time i felt as though i needed to express my opinion, i should do it in a more courteous and appropriate manner. Or something like that, honestly it is a little bit of a blur. i could hear the anger and even worse, the disappointment in His voice. Knowing that i had disappointed Master hurt so much i felt frozen. The tense wire that had built within me felt like it was going to snap. my heart was racing, the repetitive litany of "i'm sorry" running through my head. All i could do was stand there, hands behind my back, head bowed down and listen. i couldn't look at Him....my voice was barely above a whisper, when replying "Yes Sir" Part of me was afraid of what punishment Master may have in store for me, the other part of me knew i more than deserved it, i felt as though i deserved one. After that quick speaking to, Master went around me and sat down to eat His lunch. i sat down as well but i was unable to eat. my stomach was rolling, turning and the thought of food was unappealing when all i wanted to do was cry. As Master sat calmly eating His lunch, tears that had been threatening to spill over started to roll down my face. Quietly, i sat with my face either averted to face outside or facing my lap. Being honest, for the span of about a minute, i fought like crazy trying to hold them back, until a lesson i had learned sometime ago flew through my head. If i did not let myself feel, i wasn't fully submitting. There was nothing wrong with crying, i had done something wrong, felt bad and it was a way of expressing it. But i still did not break down as much as i could have. (The thought of just sobbing on the kitchen table while Master was eating His lunch was ghastly- but i did not dare to ask permission to slink off to some corner to cry) He asked me if i wanted to cry and i just about broke down anyways when i told Him "i already am Sir" i was teetering on that fine edge of control and responding made that fine line even thinner, if that was possible. Yes i know i was holding myself back emotionally but for those whom are curious, that has already been discussed between Master and i. When the worst of what i was feeling was over, i told Master that even though the way i had expressed myself was completely wrong, i still meant what i said. i tried to explain to Him that with all of my close friends, i am always the first to try and comfort them or cheer them up and that i was feeling frustrated that i couldn't find a way to do so earlier. Master said that He understood but that i had yelled at the very person whom i was trying to make feel better. That statement alone brought me back to the brink of tears...because it was true. i felt so guilty for what i had done and even now, the memory makes me cringe. He also said that saying sorry all the time, dulls the feeling behind it and that i should not apologize for the world. That is not my responsibility. Very true and very good advice. So now i am trying to break the habit. Master and i spoke for a few more minutes and i managed to eat about half of my lunch (it was all i could handle) and then i started to clean up. Master walked around doing various things and although i heard Him, admittedly i wasn't paying that much attention. Even though it was over and i hadn't been punished, i couldn't shake the feelings i was having. Washing the dishes, wiping the counters, everything that i normally do, became automatic. As i finished the dishes, Master came and stood behind me. i turned to Him and quietly said "hello Sir". i started to turn back when He stopped me and told me that He wanted a hug. i am not really sure what i was expecting....a punishment still or anger maybe but not a hug. When Master stated that that is what He wanted, my heart jumped even though in my head i asked myself if i really deserved the privilege of hugging Him. Careful to put the sponge back in it's place and wipe my hands dry (as much i wanted to throw myself into His arms, i was not about to get His shirt wet) and turned to Him. As His strong arms wrapped around me, i could feel that He was no longer mad with me. It was then that i really comprehended that it was over and that everything would be okay. What happened next threw me for a loop. After releasing me, Master said to go to the dungeon. i knew what was in there and what He had wanted to do and His instructions sent my mind racing once again. i wasn't sure if He wanted to use me or punish me and in my moment of trying to find balance i told Master that i had not wiped out the sink yet. (water spots are yucky as well it is part of what i am to do every time i use the sink) He then said, "Don't worry about it, do it later" That floored me....i even think my mouth dropped open with that one. i had no idea what was happening and Master's instructions to leave it alone was unusual to say the least. i said "Yes Sir" and went into the dungeon still bewildered, with Master following me in. When i got inside, i saw that He had the perch set up, with the harley attached. At this point i still had no idea what was going to happen and a part of me honestly was not in the mindset for being used. (Not that matters, just saying) Even though i was trying to move past it, i still felt bad so when Master instructed me to brace myself over the harley, all i could think was omg and wonder what would happen next.

subspace

2008-01-04T06:15:00.001-08:00

This visit to Master was....interesting to say the least. Something new happened that was pretty cool...well, actually a couple of new things happened. lol The cane, dungeon, forced orgasm, golden showers, subspace.....all held a different or new aspect. Needless to say, all of those were good, wonderful things. As was watching movies, bike riding and just relaxing with Master. But, in this visit, some hard things happened as well. Such as i stepping out of line and yelling at Master and forgetting a simple basic rule that has been in place since the day i became His. So some tough stuff (emotionally) took place, inner struggles with myself and Sir having to guide me back into place. Some lessons were learned and some reminders were given, from not only Master but from myself as well. M and k came over for a little while and New Year's night was a lot of fun. As i am sure everyone is curious and i am eager to write, i think i will just jump right in.

Master told me to lay on the bed, face down. i readily complied, not altogether certain what He was going to do. i buried my head into His comforter but somehow i cannot remember what i did with my hands. i heard Him walk to the side of the bed and heard the closet door open. The next thing i felt was a whisper of wind and the butterfly touch of the cane up and down my thighs. i shivered and sucked in a small breath, focusing only on the gentle breeze. Part of me was nervous, although i enjoy the cane, it can also push my limits of pain if Master desires it to. i fought the urge to tense up and instead breathed, trying to relax. i felt the sting before i heard it and my body tensed in protest, while a part of me was sighing in relief. After a couple of strokes, my body would shiver from time to time. my mind would just not relax or slow down. It was racing somewhere, while i was trying to focus on relaxing. For some reason though, i could not find that space of relaxation. With each stroke, Master increased the intensity and as He has put it, i was fighting the cane strokes. i was not processing the strokes or the pain. Each stroke would leave a sting and burn in it's wake. What made it harder is that the burn would not easily subside and part of me wanted it to stop. What i do remember is my legs bending to cover my thighs and my ass, the same protective movement like when i jump to the wall if Master has me stand for a caning. i tried to give myself time in between each stroke, time to let some of the pain dull before i lowered my legs. Part of me was extremely nervous that Master would decide to strike the back of my thighs quickly and i found myself tensing up. i wanted to relax, my brain moving at a frantic pace trying to process everything but i just couldn't seem to simply.....let go and stop fighting. Master told me afterward that during that time my breathing became shallow and rapid and that He could see my entire body tensing. Even though i was tense and struggling with and fighting the caning Master was giving me, He did not slow or soften the strikes against my ass and thighs. Instead, He started to speak. Just words telling me to relax and to breath with gentle yet firm tones that seemed to fill the room. my mind, my being, grabbed onto to His voice and His voice became my focus. my mind slowed from the racing, i let go of myself and just followed His instructions. Each time He would tell me to relax, to breath, to let go, my body fell into the languid place of absolute relaxation. Without notice, nor really any warning, i fell into subspace and the bite of the cane diminished to where all i felt was the pressure of each cane stroke. Instead of the single point of pain, each stroke seemed to echo up and down my body. The sound of Master swinging the cane could have been birds singing i was that relaxed. The world around me diminished and the calm, steady darkness that is subspace surrounded me. i felt Master continue, somewhere in my mind i knew He was swinging harder but each stroke was not perceived as pain. Master told me that He was striking the back of my thighs pretty hard and i am sure that He was. When He was done, He allowed me to lie there although for how long i am not certain. i will say that i was nothing but a soft and mushy pile of submissive goo by the time He was done. That was the first time i have ever gone into subspace from the cane and even told Him how surprised i was. Master was surprised as well that i did. Why i fell into subspace that time, i am not all together sure. Normally it is thuddy (flogger and the crop after a fashion) that sends me into subspace but this time was different. If it will happen again, i have no idea. Perhaps it was something that my body and my masochistic self wanted that badly. Or perhaps (my personal theory) it was a level of acceptance to where i did not fight the pain in any way, even on a subconscious level. Later Master asked me about my ability to find subspace by listening to His voice and i have come to realize that i am one of those people, who if in the right mindset, can and will instantly obey suggestions and commands. i say this only because this is not the first time that Master has decided to use me in the fashion of erotic pain where i have relaxed simply by His voice and His command. Whatever the reason, it was absolutely wonderful and amazing.

Wishing Everyone...

2008-01-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

A VERY, VERY

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Off again

2007-12-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

i am taking off to go see Master in just a short while. Yay!! Normally i would write about this well in advance but this time but i was concentrating on the Birthday Chronicles, that time seem to slip away. lol i am very very excited, even more so since i will be with Master for almost 4 days. i honestly cannot wait to get off the plan to meet Him and i am very certain that this visit will be a full one indeed. Master even gave me permission to go and have a one-on-one lunch with k this visit, so that is something i am greatly looking forward to as well. Sir did mention using the dungeon while i am there but what else may happen, i have no idea but i am so excited i could almost burst!

Birthday Chronicles :: A bound rabbit

2007-12-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

we were all in the bedroom when Master told rabbit to go ahead and get undressed. she looked curious yet very nervous at the same time. she hesitated greatly and Sir decided to help her by telling her what article of clothing to remove at a time. Each time she removed a piece of clothing she would hesitate and freeze all over again. Sir then again, would tell her the next item to take off. When rabbit finally got down to her thong, before Sir could say "Okay, now the thong." rabbit smiled and said "i know.....now the thong." lol Sir laughed and said that He found that really quite funny. It also showed Him that rabbit still had a sense of humor about things. i couldn't really blame her for being pretty nervous, i had felt the same way the first time Sir ever tied me up. i looked at her, grinned and when she laid down on the bed i laid down next to her. i just lightly spoke while Sir tied her up the same way He done to me. He would ask her occasionally if the rope was too tight or if she was doing okay. she looked relieved i think, to know and feel that Sir was concerned about her. she reassured us both that she was doing fine and that the rope wasn't too tight. Every now and then a giggle would come from rabbit, which made me smile and giggle a little as well. Sir started out with one of His smaller vibes, He had used it once before and saw that it got a nice reaction out of her....meaning it made her a little breathless and squirmy. lol Watching Sir use rabbit was pretty erotic really.....seeing someone else tied up in a manner that i had been was.....wow. Arousing to say the least...... At first i started to really focus on her breasts, lightly sucking, nibbling, licking...all the fun stuff. i love breasts, it is one of my favorite body parts on a woman, so being able to play with rabbit's was a treat. my only hope was that i was turning her on as much has she had done to me. Can you blame me? lol Running my hands up and down her body while she lightly jerked from the sensations Sir made her feel.....well.....i knew i wasn't responsible for all of her arousal but i enjoyed knowing that i contributed to it. After a little while Sir had me hand Him the harley. i couldn't suppress an evil little grin....i know how crazy that thing can make me and i was dying of curiosity to see how it affected rabbit. What i really wanted (being honest) was to hear her squeal, but alas it didn't happen. (i remember when i used to be just as quiet....it took a little bit for me to relax and express myself vocally whenever Sir decided to use me) As rabbit had done with me, i ended up sitting back a lot of the time and just watched. Being able to watch someone else push and pull against the the ropes that bound them was interesting really. i couldn't help but notice some differences but that is really cool in my opinion. How she responded vs me and how different i was sure our body language was. i do remember intently watching the harly being run up and down her cu*t and the voyeur side of me enjoyed watching that immensely. After a while of Sir hitting spots on rabbit that made her wriggle all over the bed (as much as she could anyways- lol) He turned off the vibe and went to the head of the bed and laid down next to her. He was talking to rabbit while kissing and playing with her nipples. i got brave and asked Sir for permission go sit in between her legs. Sir gave me permission and i moved in between her legs and after running my hands along her legs, actually placed my hand on her cu*t. Yikes! lol (i did it, i did it-lol) Ran my fingers up and down, played with her clit and pretty much just explored. rabbit did not seem to mind and even enjoyed what i was doing. Touching another woman's cu*t was...well....a bit of a turn on but i think i was more intent on exploring her body a that time. However, i will say her that her cu*t was soft and warm and i think i really re-discovered why i was bi-sexual (besides breasts- lol) After Sir untied her, it is true that rabbit did not have an orgasm or really "let go". Still Sir was very proud of rabbit.....she didn't back away from trying something that she was really curious about, even though it made her very nervous. Sir and i knew that her being tied up pushed her boundaries and her comfort level and i am happy just of the fact that she trusted Sir and i enough to let it happen. If rabbit will ever explore this side of herself again, i have no idea, but she did say that she was happy that she at least tried it once.

Birthday Chronicles :: Bound

2007-12-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

Sir led both rabbit and i into His room, after a discussion about trying some bondage by being tied to the bed. i was elected (told by Sir in other words) to go first so that rabbit could observe....Sir knew she was nervous and i was happy to try and ease her nerves. i was a little nervous too albeit very excited....being tied up in front of rabbit certainly was different. Although she and i had spoken quite often about bondage, i knew that talking and seeing were two different things. So i was hoping that she would have fun observing a little. Well, Sir decided to add some rope and i got to help set the rope onto the bed. When all was finished Sir had me lay on the bed and proceeded to tie me up. First a rope went around my thighs then ankles. One at time and during the whole process, i slowly went into that sate of mind where i am just totally into the moment of what is happening. When Sir tied my wrists together and above my head i was almost trembling with nerves, arousal and anticipation. With rabbit being there i had no clue as to what could happen. Sure enough when He was done, Sir started playing with my cu*t and rabbit was licking and sucking on my nipples. Omg....even though i love the clamps (sometimes lol) and breast/nipple torture, having someone playing with my nipples so softly aroused me so much. At some point in time Sir went to my nipples, rabbit had the vibe and i was happily in the middle. lol At some point in time, Master went and got His crop and started to lightly hit my inner thighs. It had been a little while since that part of my body had experienced erotic pain and at first i was trying to breath with each one. But not for long. Sir had the harley with a new attachment on it and it was driving me crazy. The new attachment is purple, it slips over the head and it has a part of it that sticks out like a dildo of sorts. All the sensations left me forgetting that rabbit was even there, more so since at this point she just sat back and watched. Soon each strike with the crop only heightened my arousal....Master then started to use the crop with much more force. Somewhere within the hard cropping i was being given, the pain went from a little much to not enough. lol Well, sort of....it was that type of subspace where the pain wasn't pain and the only thing i could focus on was what i was feeling. you know the space where you seem to forget who you are, you are just floating on all the sensations and your brain isn't working all the way? When i felt an orgasm approaching fast i do remember begging Sir to please go harder with the crop. He tells me that i was yelling and although i am sure that i did, i don't really remember being that loud, but then again i know i can get very loud when i cum for Him. (blush) When i begged for Sir to go harder, all i could feel was each strike propelling me harder and faster towards an orgasm. It is a little confusing really, what i was feeling. All i know is that Sir did see fit to grant my breathless request and very soon i was asking Sir if His slut may please have permission to cum for Him. i am very happy and thankful that Sir gave me permission because goodness...lol. Cumming that hard left me feeling a little drained and after Sir untied me and i regained the better part of my senses i looked down at my thighs. i wasn't bothered by what i saw but rabbit looked a little surprised. my thighs were a dark red and already showing some bruising. Master decided it would be a good idea for everyone to take a break so rabbit went outside for a cigarette. All of us had a short discussion and it turns out that rabbit really was just surprised but still very willing to try bondage herself. she knew that Sir knew she wasn't at that level and that He wouldn't push her to that point. (One of Master's philosophies is to not push someone to the point where they have a bad experience, His goal is to leave someone wanting more - which He is good at if i may say so lol) After the discussion we all went back inside to Sir's bedroom where it would be rabbit's turn next.

Birthday Chronicles :: Kissed

2007-12-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

Watching Master kiss rabbit did two things. One, it made me certain that i was not jealous that He was kissing her and two, i got very aroused. But really....this is Sir we are talking about, just Him alone turns me on to no end. It was just....wow. lol i have always wondered what Master looked like when He was using or playing with me and after this weekend, having a camcorder around sounds like a good idea. (i have turned into such a perv, i love it lol) Anyways, after a minute or two Sir had us kissing....rabbit and i kissed for about 30 seconds, parted and then Sir asked us "Did I tell you both to stop kissing?" i murmured my apologies with a slight giggle and resumed kissing rabbit. However, after about another 30 seconds she and i could not contain the giggles that built into our chests. It was funny...not funny ha ha but omg i am doing this funny. Attack of the nerves i think. lol i remember Sir kneeling beside me and He started to kiss me....somewhere in the middle of it, He instructed rabbit to insert her fingers into my cu*t. That was a unique sensation....my mind and body were so sensitive with arousal and anticipation that i started to lose myself in all the sensations. Then as Master was kissing me (quite passionately i might add ::grin::) He slid His hand up to my throat and squeezed. With that action i was gone.... His hand on my throat can easily send me into such a state of submission and arousal. Soo many things. i remember Him taking off the nipple clamps and i gasped into His mouth. It was that "hurt so good type of pain". He then released me and took off rabbits. i was expecting a reaction but the girl hardly flinched!! lol Sir made the comment about possibly using the clover clamps on her next time and i could not suppress a grin and neither could rabbit. Sir then instructed me to go and lay down on my back on the couch. When i got there i got into a comfortable position and then watched as Master drew rabbit near Him and just started to kiss her, sliding His hands up and down her body and play with her breasts. It took about 30 seconds and then arousal and desire just kicked in like a ton of bricks. i was entranced.....Sir is just so hot in my mind and just being allowed to experience something like that was amazing. i could hear rabbit's soft moans and watching her react was surreal in some ways. Surreal but very erotic and arousing. Soon Sir directed rabbit to the couch as well. When she was half laying against Him, Sir spread her legs slightly and started to slap her cu*t. This was something that rabbit expressed that she had experienced once before and wanted to try on a more intense level. Well Sir started out lightly while increasing the pressure each time (at least that is what is sounded like lol) Instead of her closing her legs (which i thought that she would do) she just laid back and thoroughly enjoyed what was happening. she became very aroused and a little flushed. From time to time, Sir would have me lean in and lick or suck on her nipples, run my hands up and down her body which caused even more arousal for me. i was in a high state of arousal the entire time and i loved what was going on. i do not remember exactly how it happened, but Sir had rabbit turn over for her first spanking ever. Goodness, that girl has a high pain tolerance! lol she did very well with her first spanking and surprised both Sir and i with how hard He was able to go. In the end she had two little bruises (one on each ass cheek) and a very cute, very pink ass. Every now and then Sir would have me lean over and kiss her ass in various spots....kissing overly heated skin was pretty fun. lol After all of various spankings and such were done, Sir told rabbit how proud of her He was, that He had fun spanking her and that He was happy that she was having a fun time so far. rabbit went to go do something and Sir led me into His bedroom. i stood at the end of His bed and He patted His lap, indicating He wanted me to place myself for a spanking. To be honest, i was very excited and was actually craving that type of interaction with Him. Being over His lap was calming.....i enjoyed the feeling of being there, knowing i was His. All the arousal and anticipation and some of the new things had left me feeling a bit "hyper". Not in a bad way but what can be a very calming influence from Sir and His Dominance was greatly thanked for. Somewhere in Sir spanking me i fell into sub-space and i faintly remember rabbit coming in to His room and Sir asking her to go and get His crop. He gave me a few swats with it and explained to rabbit that i was in sub-space and was processing erotic pain in a different way. Coming out of sub-space i felt a little cuddly but also a bit rambunctious yet very sleepy. It was almost 3am in the morning! lol So Sir undressed and rabbit put on pajamas (she hates feeling cold) and crawled into bed. So far a very interesting night and i thought how the coming days would go.

Birthday Chronicles :: Stripped

2007-12-20T22:38:00.001-08:00

As rabbit looked through the entire bag of toys a few things stand out in my mind. One of them being that Sir ended up putting the nipple clamps aside. The other was a few of the things that Sir demonstrated on me at rabbit's request. Like a little bit of rope bondage with my hands tied behind my back. Sir put the mask on me again although this time, i was completely comfortable with it on (for the most part...lol) i still got that shiver of anticipation but in a good way. i hope that the mask is something that Master and i will work with again. Another toy shown to rabbit was a new one for me as well. It was this leather arm binder that covered my hands and went up to almost my under arms. It laced up and had a ring on it so that my arms could be tied (in a fashion) to the ceiling in His dungeon. i liked it...a lot. lol Images of wearing the mask while also wearing the leather binder danced through my head and i thought my eyes were going to roll back into my head. Another thing that stands out in my head is rabbit saying that she was curious about one of the paddles Sir has. It is small-ish, black leather and has a heart shaped cut out on it. That way if Sir were to slap my ass with it, i would have a white heart against a red area. Fortunately, that did not get tried on me. i say that because it is something that Sir and i have tried before and neither one of us liked it very much. The feel of His hands do so much more than a paddle does...His hand is more intimate, arousing and in a way, more Dominating than a paddle. So i was a little relieved that is didn't get used. After all was said and done regarding the toy bag, Sir told me to stand up. i knew almost immediately that it was time for me to strip in front of rabbit for the first time. Sir directed me to where He wanted me to stand and told me to face them both. my heart was racing a little bit but i wasn't as nervous as i thought i would be. Instead i just felt anticipation and a desire to immerse myself in my submission to Sir. Something i wanted very much for rabbit to see. Taking off my clothes was a little nerve-wracking but since rabbit is a close friend i was okay with it. Seconds after i was naked, Sir spoke to rabbit about positions and what each one is used for. So He instructed me to do position 1, 2 and 3. Since rabbit is sooo very shy, Sir did not have me do the finish of pos.3 and instead moved onto 4, 5 and 6. Doing each one, even though rabbit was there, i felt myself just melt into each position concentrating on being graceful and pleasing Sir. After i had gone through each pos., it was then rabbit's turn to strip. i swear i could hear her heartbeat echo through out the room. lol But even though she was incredible nervous, she did oh so well. Sir was very proud of her and so was i. He and i both knew how hard it was going to be for her but for her first time she really pushed forward. Master had me get up and help her with each pos. Getting into each pos. correctly, how her back was arched, where her hands should go, everything. i enjoyed helping her....somewhere in everything, i had the thought that i was helping her please Sir, which made me very happy and focused. When it came to kneeling positions (4,5 and 6) i sat back down next to Master and just watched. Again she did very well with memorizing the pos. so quickly and i got to really look at her body while she went through the rest of the positions. Might i say here, she has a very cute ass? lol she does....Sir called it "very spank-able" ::grin:: her doing position 6 was interesting in it's self. Knowing how much that position means to me and the comfort it brings, i could not help but smile as she found a comfort level within the position. When rabbit was back to pos.5 Sir decided then to put nipple clamps on me....i remember when He put them on, i felt ready to stand up or sit down as quick as possible. lol i can't help it, nipple clamps act like a sure-fire leash of some sorts while arousing me at the same time. After mine were on, Master then turned to rabbit, stroked her nipples a couple of times and then put nipple clamps on her as well. rabbit barely flinched and it was the first tell tale sign that she would prove to have a very high pain threshold. Going through the toy bag, stripping, watching rabbit strip and then the nipple clamps left me in a state of mind full of curiosity mingled with arousal and anticipation. It was when Sir leaned in and began to kiss rabbit that i knew a very interesting night had begun in earnest.

Birthday Chronicles

2007-12-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

i dug into my carry-on and grabbed the purple ribbon that was to go around rabbit's neck. Wrapping Sir's present in a manner of speaking. Putting it around her neck was exciting....i just couldn't wait to get off the plane. Getting off the plane, was as i predicted....rabbit and i were both jumping around on the inside, just for different reasons. she and i spoke on the plane and she had told me how nervous she was although she said she was also excited. As we walked through the airport, i was on the phone with Master and rabbit asked if she could stop and get a cup of coffee. (i was not surprised....lol) Finally, she and i reached where i knew Sir was waiting and my heart rate sped up.....i was so happy to see Him and i felt like i was going to just burst from anticipation. Sure enough, there He was. Leaning against the wall looking undeniably sexy with that grin i have come to know so well. When i reached Sir, He gave me a hug and a kiss and then He turned to rabbit. i turned to watch Him embrace her and all i could do was smile. On the way to Sir's home, while in the truck he had rabbit sit between us. He and i both had our hands on rabbit's legs and kept stroking her from her knees to her upper inner thigh. After a little while of this, Master put her hand on my thigh and she had fun causing wonderful sensations. (it felt a little naughty for another women touching me semi-intimately....naughty but with Master watching, very erotic as well) However, i think that perhaps rabbit was a little too nervous to let herself become really aroused, although she did have lots of fun on the ride home. By the time all of us had reached Sir's house, i was very aroused and more comfortable with everything. We all went inside and after all the luggage had been put away neatly in Master's bedroom we all went into the kitchen to get dinner out. (Sir suggested that we stop by a restaurant for a to-go order....we were all a little hungry lol) Sir poured a glass of wine for everyone and we all went into the living room to eat, so we could sit around a roaring fire that Sir had started. i of course sat at Sir's feet and rabbit did the same. Lots of conversation and laughter ensued and Master even allowed us to look at a commercial He had been in when He was younger. (we all ended up either laughing or giggling, in a good way) The mood in the room became more relaxed although the tension from what rabbit and i knew would happen (her stripping) lingered. my main concern was that Sir was pleased and that He and rabbit were getting along and were having a good time with each other. After everyone had eaten, i asked Sir for permission to take the plates to the kitchen, so only the glasses of wine remained. It was when i returned that Master offered rabbit the opportunity to go through the entire toy bag and ask for anything to be demonstrated.....on me. lol i wasn't really surprised with that but i was a bit curious as to what could happen next.

B'day Weekend

2007-12-18T06:18:00.000-08:00

i'm baaaaack! lol This visit to Master proved to be most interesting.....rabbit explored some of her own boundaries and comfort zones by trying some very new things. Some of those would be bondage, erotic pain and stripping. i will get to the details later, promise. i got to try some things that were new and had a very wonderful and intense scene with Sir. rabbit and i brought Sir a gag gift of sorts (i'll tell you why i kind of considered it a gag gift) and He also had a gift for each of us! i felt a little bad about that since it was His birthday but i know that He had and will get pleasure out of the gifts He gave us so i feel lots better. What else...hmmmm. lol Quite a bit happened really and i can't wait to get it all written out. i am very happy that Sir told me from time to time to jot down notes, otherwise i might not remember it all...

Birthday Visit

2007-12-13T21:30:00.000-08:00

Finally, almost time to go!! Soon it will be Master's birthday and i love the idea of being able to visit Him to celebrate. Bringing rabbit as His present is the best. (i have NO clue what i am going to get Sir next year that will top this one-lol) i am soo excited with just a few touches of nervousness. rabbit is very nervous but she is excited as well. One thing that Sir suggested is that rabbit start an entry (for this blog) on the plane going to see Him....rabbit likes the idea and i think that her being able to write things out will help her absorb everything that happens. So expect to see her entry here in this blog. Lots of erotic (rabbit and i bought some massage oil just for the visit ::grin::), challenging, fun, nerve-wracking things to happen. This will be a wonderful visit i am sure and i cannot wait to see Sir again as well as rabbit cannot wait to meet Him. Other than that, i hope everyone stays well and i will write again in a few days!

Blogs

2007-12-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

i had an entry all planned out, 90% written and everything. But however, i seem to have lost the steam to finish that entry and instead, have foraged forward with this one. Mainly having to do with slave thoughts and such. i have read many blogs, sampled quite a few for a short period of time and have even stuck with a few. But what is it that draws my attention so greatly to the select blogs that i read? Very true some of the scenes these other slaves describe make me aroused and sometimes reading them make me miss the r/t interaction with Master. But in the heart of it all, it is because we are all on the same journey. we have taken different paths, what we need and what we learn are different also. But it is the differences that binds us together as well as the similarities. we serve because that is what we love to do....it fills a place within us and gives us great joy. we all have caring Masters that watch over us, guide us and when we falter, moves us in the right direction. we have surrendered ourselves to Them, not out of coercion or a "have to" mindset. we do so because it is our desire to do so. To give and feel that trust, that willingness to please, the comfort of our Masters arms if we cry and to hear the gentle pride in Their voice when we have given it our all. Those are just a few of the similarities. How we differ, well...how we serve is different...the rules our Masters have and the consequences of breaking said rules also differs. What we as slaves enjoy, whether it be in serving or erotic pain is almost on a sliding scale. Who we are as people and how we see the world of course is different. But i think that the differences between us is also another reason why i love to read their blogs so much. Reading these other slave's blogs helps to sometimes put things into perspective. i have learned or thought about something in a different light because of reading them. i like reading how they are doing, what they have learned and how their dynamic is going. So in a way, i feel connected to those who also write....chances are i will never meet them or get to know them any deeper than i do now. But i am grateful that their words, thoughts and experiences are out there for others to read.

dirty talk

2007-12-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

As i have journeyed down this path with Master, i have learned quite a few things about myself that i did not know. The newest one being that i like "dirty talk". Eeek. lol i figured that out when Master had taken me off restriction. However, i did not tell Him immediately but took the time to figure out (at least a little) if that was something that i enjoyed. Also i needed time to absorb that little bit of new information about myself. That was sooo hard to admit to Sir....i wasn't sure what He was going to think, or if it was something that He enjoyed doing. i know that He has experienced a great deal in this lifestyle and that not much surprises Him but for me, admitting that was a little hard. But Sir has always told me to tell Him what was going on in my head so i kept that in mind. i trust Sir with that information.....however nervous and shy i was about admitting that, i knew that He wouldn't laugh or anything like that. In fact He told me that He was proud of me for telling Him. So that is an avenue that Master is exploring with me right now and i must admit that i do enjoy it very much. It seems to tap into different parts of myself....when He tells me to say something i end up groaning or biting my lip out of arousal before i speak. i want to say these things but would normally not say anything at all. Sir gives me that space and the words to express the slut that belongs to Him. i lose myself in His voice, a sensual tone yet one that is also uncompromising. When He tells me to say something that gives me pause i have to reach into my submission to find the ability to say what He wants me to. Even though it is hard, i desire the words and i want to please Him. It is a different type of surrender....or maybe a deeper form. i haven't quite figured that out yet. i do know that Sir is the only person that has ever heard that part of me and even within the lust and arousal that flames through me, i cannot help but feel vulnerable and exposed to Him. It is intense in it's own way and, according to Master, brings out an intensity in me that He enjoys. So far this has been something that has been explored only over the phone and part of me cannot help but wonder that if it is intense over the phone, how it will be in r/l should it please Him to do so. The thought of the combination of His hands, His body, His voice so close to me, the feel of His Dominance and sensuality, mixed in with erotic pain and the words that could spill over my lips makes for a wonderful fantasy and i am already aroused, so i will sign off for now. Here's to happy dreams.

A rose by any other name

2007-12-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

Just in case, for those of you that have not noticed, i used the term Master to refer to Sir quite often in my last entry. This is because Sir has instructed me to start using Master as well as Sir when referring about Him when speaking to someone. So now i have both titles i am allowed to use. Because of this i will no longer tack "my" onto "Master" either in writing or in speech. Writing has not been that difficult but since i have been given permission, i have used the title Master when i refer to Sir with rabbit. It felt different....not bad at all but different. At first i thought that verbally addressing Him as Master to others would be easy but breaking the habit of only calling Him Sir by this new addition of titles has been a little difficult thus far. It is one of those things i think will come more naturally with time. It is very nice though to be able to call Him Master to others. For me the strongest aspect of referring to Him as Master is that the word slave seems to flash in my head and serves as yet another reminder of the path i have chosen. It is another new thing i am learning to do. As this is Master's desire, i will endeavor to do my very best to please Him.

Allowance vs. Restriction

2007-12-06T06:19:00.000-08:00

Being on restriction is very nice....it is something that i enjoy although it can get a little hard to do at times. Being off restriction is now more fun than it used to be. lol To explain....my Master took me off restriction for 2 weeks before He left on His trip. Way back when, whenever He took me off restriction, i didn't enjoy it that much. i think that that was partly due to the fact that i did not really know how to enjoy my body nor did i really take the time to masturbate fully. i used to be really nervous about being off restriction because i didn't really didn't know what to do with myself! lol Since Master has helped teach me (by making sure i did take my time by setting time limits for what i should do) how my body reacts and what it likes, i have come to enjoy masturbating much more than i used to. So when He took me of restriction this time, i took full advantage of it. i am not going to go into specifics but i will say i was masturbating every day (and sometimes twice a day...lol) There were a few times that Sir decided to use me during that period of time, which always makes what He has me doing so much more pleasurable. i love being used by Master when He sees fit and i consider it a surprise and a privilege when ever He does so. Master tells me so casually to go to my room and grab my vibe that sometimes it takes me a moment to fully comprehend what He is most likely going to do. lol But i am wandering off topic. When He left for His trip i was back on restriction and oh goodness it got hard. i became accustomed to masturbating whenever i had the urge so having to repress that was not fun. There were times it felt like my body was begging for any type of sensation and my mind was wishing for Master to use me. Omg.... There was one time i took one of my "sexy" baths and i had to get out after only 10 minutes because of the urge to play with myself. i told Master this and i remember Him laughing over it...i pouted for about half a second and then my own voice joined His in laughter. It had been a while since i really had to use my submission not to masturbate and i felt tested at times. But i did as Master wanted me to do and i am happy that i did.

A lesson revisited

2007-12-04T06:23:00.000-08:00

Last night Sir had me add an additional aspect to my nightly ritual. He also instructed me to write a letter to Him telling of how the events unfolded. After reading it He decided i should share it with my readers. So below is my letter to Sir.

Good morning Sir,
The additional task You gave me went well tonight. It took a minute to get it in....i tried to rush it and ended up feeling stretched in a way that was not too pleasant. ::grin:: May i say here Sir, thank You for giving me this task to do so that i may be prepared for this upcoming visit? Well i slowed down (a lot) and that seemed to help. i hope that this is okay Sir, but once i got it in, i took a minute to sit and breath. i tried to feel the fullness of the plug and become accustomed to it. To be honest, it wasn't very comfortable.....it has been a while since i have used the plug and moving around seemed to make it worse. lol i did focus on my submission quite a bit though Sir, something i hope pleases You to hear. i did get used to the full feeling from the plug though by the time i finished my positions...i think that with more practice it will cease to be a problem at all. Pos. 1 and 2 went very well.....pos.3 made me feel a little exposed and even though i was alone, i took a breath before finishing pos.3 Sir. i couldn't help it...lol. It just felt a bit nerve wracking, more so since at that time i had a picture of You in my head. Once i left pos.3 and went into pos.4 i felt a bit more....well....less giggly. Pos. 5 was interesting....the pressure from sitting about drove me crazy Sir. lol Goodness. i made myself stay still because i had started to wiggle around, trying to find a way for the plug to become more comfortable but to no avail. It reminded me of driving with the plug in Sir, which made me smile. Pos.6 was the most comfortable out of all of them Sir. Which i think is partly because i love that position and usually whenever i use the plug i am in that position and i stay there. So that went beautifully i think Sir. Pos.7 was....hmmmm. lol Having the plug in with my legs raised up put a different type of pressure from the plug. Almost like it was being pushed down on, even though it wasn't. It wasn't as obvious once i started to breath deeply although imaging doing that in front of You with the plug in caused a nervous giggle Sir. Position 8 was fairly easy although going into pos. 9 was pretty cool really. Again with the pressure being different Sir. Having my back bent at that angle seemed to once again push the plug in further, i at least knew there was no way it was going to come out. Sir. lol By the time i was in pos. 6, the plug stopped being really uncomfortable....the fullness still felt a little weird...in a good way, but still very different. i was able to focus on my submission and let that calmness over take me, even though part of me was focused on the plug as well. Overall though, i did have fun with it Sir. Even had a few giggles and was also reminded me of my submission when the plug felt really uncomfortable.
When i went into pos.6 for my meditation i thought that i would become fully accustomed to the plug being in my ass Sir. But even staying still the constant fullness would throw me off guard. There was even one time i would have liked to take it out Sir. But i didn't so i am happy about that. While meditating, i thought of my submission and how far i have come so far in this journey. Everything i have learned and how much there is still to learn about and experience Sir. i thought about this upcoming visit and how it may push my submission but how it will strengthen it as well. i thought about everything that was going to happen and then i started to get aroused Sir. lol i am sorry, it just kind of happened. Well, then the plug was a little uncomfortable but in a great way Sir. Omg...part of me felt stretched in a way i hadn't been in a while and the other part of me wanted to move the plug in and out. i did not masturbate Sir but i thought that this observance was interesting. i knew that the plug may not feel that great if i were to move it but it still sounded like good idea. Almost like that good type of pain Sir? i don't know....normally if i think that something won't feel that great, i won't do it to myself unless You instruct me to. But this time, i thought that the idea sounded pretty good. i am a little confused i think, wondering where that train of thought came from during my meditation. May i ask You for Your insight Sir? After finishing my meditation i took the plug out, washed and put it away and then sat down to type. Although i did grab something small to eat Sir. So here i am, almost done with this letter, hoping that it has put a smile on Your face Sir. i know i feel happy with tonight and relaxed.

What dreams may come

2007-11-30T19:43:00.000-08:00

my visit with rabbit for Sir's birthday is coming up and i am so excited that i am doing happy jumps inside!! lol rabbit is excited albeit rather nervous as well. i can't say that i blame her....i know how nerve-wracking it was the first time i met Sir. my emotions range from nervous to excited, apprehension to excited all mixed in with a high amount of anticipation. i know some of the things my Master has planned will push my submission. Yet they all sound so very erotic as well...goodness. lol There are many new things that will be explored and experienced on many levels for all three of us, makes this visit even more special. For me, one avenue my Master wants to explore is my re-awakening bi-sexuality. rabbit knows how long it has been since i have touched (intimately) or fu*ked another female so she understands why i am nervous. In fact, she finds it a little funny. There is so much planned for this visit that Sir and i agreed that it might be best to write down my expereinces at the end of each day otherwise i may not be able to remember everything unless i do so. i have the feeling it will take me a while to write all of it down when i get back. lol i do have some wonderful images in my head though....all three of us cuddling together for a quiet moment and of course my favorite fantasy of me and another female giving Sir a massage. rabbit and i are even buying a bottle of vanilla massage oil.....i know that Sir desires to see rabbit and i give each other massages and slick bodies can never be a bad thing. *grin* There have been some pictures (of two women being intimate) that my Master has shared with me that i must admit arouses me...blush. Just the thought of Sir laying in bed with a girl on each side makes me all warm inside. On a different note, i will be able to show rabbit that part of me she has only seen glimpses of when i am on the phone with Sir. she can see how the dynamic between my Master and i works....she will be able to really see my submission/slavery to Him instead of imagining it. This is something that i am happy to share with her more so since she is beginning to discover her submissive side. In with that, rabbit will strip (or more to the point be displayed naked) for someone for the first time. she will do things she has fantasized about (yet never had the courage to say anything about-until now lol) as well as she will receive her first spanking. i know my Master is excited about that and so am i. i have never watched Sir Dominate another female, so that will be cool to watch as well. Soooo many wonderful things to happen. rabbit thinks that being "given away" as a present is very erotic and i am so happy that i am able to please my Master by providing Him with what He really wanted for His birthday. This visit will be very fun i think as well as enlightening with many new experiences. i can hardly wait!

20 seconds

2007-11-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

i just finished my nightly ritual. With the new addition, which is doing my positions, holding each position for a slow count of 20 seconds. After going through my positions i then do my 15 minutes of meditation in position 6. Well....life has been stressful lately, something in which we all know can happen. Tonight, i stayed in pos.1 and held it. 20 seconds came and gone.....all i did was stay there and breath. Struggled to find that place within me....the place that is beyond the chaos which is sometimes my life. i know i could have just did my count to 20 and then switch positions but i was yearning, needing that deep seeded calmness that resides within my submission. i don't feel "out of whack" often but when i do, it seems to all but consumes me. So i waited and then the image of my Master, sitting and gently smiling came to mind. i felt my body slowly settle in position, my mind started to slow as my entire self fully focused on my submission to Him. It was then that i switched positions. As i went through each position, the gentle intensity within me grew until by the time i hit position 5 i was fully within that wonderful place which Sir has guided me to. my eyes were closed, breath deep and even with images in my head of sitting by His feet, with His hand stroking my hair. With each continuing position my body would flow from one transition to the next, almost like a dance of sorts. Still kept my count of 20 seconds but i just let myself float as much as possible. (in r/l the emotions are infinitely more intense and longer lasting) When i went into my meditation position, i lost track of time. i just let myself feel and for whatever reason affirmations went running through my head, although instead of thinking them, i found myself answering them out loud. Words are powerful and even now my mind is calm and focused. i didn't think about yesterday or tomorrow....the only thing that was on my mind was the simple joy i get from pleasing my Master and how happy i am being His. i am not sure how tomorrow will be but i figure i will let it figure itself out on it's own. lol 20 seconds isn't a long time, indeed it is very short but sometimes 20 seconds is all you need.

Sir's trip

2007-11-24T07:24:00.000-08:00

Sir left few days ago on a trip out of the country. From what pictures and web sites i have seen it is really beautiful in some parts and i was excited albeit a little sad to see Him go. At first it was thought that my Master would not be able to call me for the entire 12 days....call rates soar so very long conversations were out. At first i was a little mixed about my Master leaving.....sure enough i was happy that He was going to do something new but also i knew i was going to miss speaking with Him very much. i was also worried about how His trip would go and if He would make it every where He wanted to go safely. (Although i have gotten much better with traveling, sometimes i still get a little nervous myself) Truth be told, i was more worried about how everything would go for Him than not being able to speak with Him. The really good news is that A) His trip has gone wonderful so far, He has seen some really astounding sites, He did something really really cool the other day and He has eaten foods He has never tried before. Also He has met some really interesting people and has had a good time so far. B) So far my Master has seen fit to call me everyday, although i know that there may be days He will not be able to. i love hearing from Him, to hear how His day has gone and what His thoughts are of where He is. The stories He tells me are sometimes really funny or what He describes is wonderful. Also, i feel better being able to connect with Him for even a brief period of time. That is something that i am very grateful for and i feel lucky that He is willing to spend the time (and the money) speaking with me, even for just 15 minutes. i am not sure if humbled would be the correct word, i just know that i feel privileged when He does call. Overall, so far so good. lol i very much hope that the rest of His trip goes well and that He sees some really wonderful things.

10,000

2007-11-19T21:40:00.000-08:00

It is amazing.....the counter finally hit 10,000!! And now here is the really interersting part....it was my Master, looking to see what number the blog was up to, that turned it to 10,000! How cool is that.....really?? lol

This is just a quick note to say thank you to everyone who has read this blog and to those who still read about my journey. It has been amazing so far and knowing that there is still so much left to explore leaves me looking forward to the future. Here's to future blogs and bondage (and everything else)

xoxo

chai

rabbit update

2007-11-18T06:51:00.001-08:00

This is just a quick update on rabbit....the other night, as Sir was on the phone with rabbit and i, she did something that surprised Sir. (and me as well) i was on the phone speaking with Sir and she asked Him for permission to go to the bathroom! Sir did not prod her to do so, instead she did it because she thought it to be the proper way to show Him respect. Considering she is new to the lifestyle it was an action i nor Sir predicted. my Master told her that she was a good girl and i could not help but smile with rabbit at His words.

Rabbit Update

2007-11-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

Something interesting has happened lately. It would seem that my friendship with rabbit has taken an interesting turn. As i have already told everyone, rabbit is coming with me to visit Sir soon. During this visit, she will explore aspects such as domestic service, sexual service and a touch of erotic pain here and there. i am sooo excited about this visit and so is rabbit and Sir. Well, in addition to all of this occurring, it would seem that rabbit enjoys the idea of a poly lifestyle, albeit a bit nervous as well. she has experimented with poly before although it did not end well (too much jealousy) and has voiced her concerns with me about it. But she still likes the idea and it looks like that she may become the third that my Master and i have looked for, at least temporarily. i really like the idea of rabbit becoming part of our poly family with my Master and i. she is a very good friend and new to the lifestyle but eager to learn. i think what it is really, is the fact that i know i can trust her. i know she won't be a brat (she is way to mature to be like that), she is responsible and she understands what the dynamic is about. Also, on a more personal note, i know that she will not try to shove me out of Sir's life in an attempt to assure her place in His (i think that could happen...even without someone meaning to) she really sees poly as a family....the same concept that Sir and i share. Since she has begun to be exposed to our dynamic and is slowly learning about herself and the lifestyle, there are changes i see in her. she has become more open about talking about things and she is not as guarded as she once was. she seems a bit more sure in knowing who she is and overall i think that her confidence in herself is growing. It is cute to watch her blush and then laugh at the questions Sir and i pose as well as when she answers them. The other night, rabbit and Sir were on the phone and Sir instructed her on how she is to ask to cum during her visit. i will admit that i got quite the giggle out of her facial expressions but on a serious note, i know how hard that was to do. she had to pull from herself and the inside and for the first time, she really did something to please someone else (from a submissive standpoint), even though it made her uncomfortable. i was very proud of her....more so since the first time i did anything like that it was just Sir and i....i didn't have someone staring at me. But she did it and was happy that she did. i can only wonder what will happen when she and i go see Him, although i have the feeling that this all may very well turn into something wonderful.

Three

2007-11-12T22:06:00.000-08:00

This entry comes from a letter that my Master suggested i write to another slave about what i think a poly dynamic should entail. When discussing a poly dynamic with other subs or people in general, sometimes it is difficult to decide which attribute or aspect to approach first. i think the number one thing on my list is friendship between all three of us. There have been a few subs that either He or i or both have spoken to that only seem interested in Him. Of course my view is that both subs/slaves should be focused on Him but also think that a relationship between her and i should be strong as well. In my mind a sister sub would pretty much be one of my best friends....someone i am fond of and genuinely care about and vise versa. i would like to be able to confide in her and be able to share experiences with her, to be able to go out and have coffee with His permission. Also, being able to serve my Master beside another sub who feels the depth of her submission and wishes to explore it is another wonderful aspect. There are so many things that i would love to explore with a sister sub that i respect and am friends with.
Within a poly dynamic i see that truthfully there would be 4 parts. There would be the relationship between Master and her, He and i, she and i and then the dynamic that all three of us would share. i see it as there would be a different relationship between my Master and her and Him and i since our (the subs) needs, likes and dislikes would be different. That is a natural occurrence and one i think should not cause jealousy. That seems to be a concern with most subs/slaves i have spoken to and that concern is not without some merit. Although i think that with good communication between all three people that can be avoided. No doubt, a poly dynamic would not always be easy but i truly think that the rewards would be more than worth the effort.
In response to my letter, she raised the concern of being confided in and yet telling Sir all that was said in our conversation. That too is important and i wrote back to her stating that i agreed for there is nothing i should tell her that my Master does not already know or should not be aware of. i think that could also be problematic....there have been times i have needed to sort out a problem with someones help. Really to just need a third persons perspective or to vent. So i see her concern as a valid one. Where do you draw the line at having a conversation with someone, knowing that they just need to vent and having a conversation that has an important tone that effects the dynamic? Is there even a line there really? i guess there are quite a few questions and situations that could occur but playing "what if" i think may be a waste of time. The best possible thing to do (in my opinion) would be to take it one day at a time and see what happens. But as i stated to the sub i wrote, the rewards would be worth the energy and time spent.

Finding Tears

2007-11-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

There was a particular scene that Sir and i did this past visit that shook my emotional self to the point where my Master agrees with me when i describe myself as an emotional yo yo after that scene. During the scene as well was a rollercoaster of sorts, my inner self flipping from one end to the other and eventually finding a middle ground within the chaos of my mind. It started out easy enough with my Master using the "thuddy" flogger, soft at first then with increasing pressure but nothing i could not handle with just deep breaths. He then started to mix a couple of medium strokes and then a hard fast one that had me squirming. i cannot remember in what order things came next but i will describe each as best as i can. At one point in time Sir pulled out the stingy flogger and oh.....my.....goodness. It stung quite a bit and thus started the frantic searching inside my head on how to breath through it all. Sir also decided to use the stinger.....i was standing, legs spread with Sir kneeling between my legs.i couldn't close them and part of me wanted to close my legs, move..... do something. By that time He had used the thuddy and stingy flogger and the cane. It is hard to describe.....i was sort of panicked.....i knew that i was safe but at the same time not knowing how long all of this would last about drove me insane. One time that stands out in my mind is when He had finished using the cane and left me standing in the middle of the room. He only left me there for about 10 seconds....all He did was turn around and go through His toy bag, looking for something, although i did not know what at the time. While His back was turned, i felt the tears in the back of my eyes and a little voice inside my head was saying "too much, too much!!" my heart was pounding, my breath a bit shaky and i was sooo nervous not knowing what He was going to do next. But here is the really cool part....once i stopped fighting the tears, it suddenly wasn't too much. Yes i was being pushed and my reaction showed that but holding it in was hurting me more than what was happening. (i hope that makes sense) Well, the next thing i know Sir has the stinger in Has hand, although i felt it before i saw it really. Owwwwwww. lol No i wasn't really looking at what was in His hand. (But i knew what it was the moment i felt it, that's for sure!) In fact, while my Master was using the stinger i had the craziest urge to giggle, even though i was crying and wanting it to end (somewhat-lol). A whole slew of emotions ran through me the entire time. Something that stands out is that from time to time, Sir would hold my face, look into my eyes and give me a kiss. During that tender, slow moment i would feel an increase of arousal. i knew that He was doing this for a reason and that i could trust Him. Yet another example of what i call "calm facts". Even with my emotions bouncing off the walls, the fact that i had no idea what He was going to do....in the calm space within my mind, i knew that He wasn't going to hurt me. i think because of that, my emotional, mental and physical self was able to grasp the erotic feel of His lips and hear the gentle pride in His voice when He would say good girl. (i am a happy slave whenever He says that) After He had used the stinger, my Master had me lie back on His bed, told me not to move my legs and continued with the stinger along with a couple of other items. When He was done, He had me sit up next to Him at which time all i could do was lean against Him and just feel His strength. How calming it is to have ones Master just hold you after a scene in which the sub/slave is pushed. As we were talking, i confessed that i still had the urge to cry....an urge i am not sure weather or not surprised my Master. He told me in a calm voice that that was okay and if i still needed to let it out i could and should. So i did. lol i think i just needed that extra bit of release although i was a bit cuddly for sometime after...but Sir is very kind and understanding about after-care so He allowed me the time i needed to gather myself together. i have said before that Sir gives me that safe harbor in which to just let go of what ever i am feeling and i am happy that i am getting better at doing that. As with many scenes Sir and i have done, this one made everything feel a little surreal for a little bit although i was very happy afterward. Happy that i had pleased Him, happy that i made it through the scene, happy that i was able to let go emotionally even more and very happy becuase.....well......my Master decided to push me and through it all i know that i had made Him proud. What more could a slave ask for?

slave kabobs cont.

2007-11-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

After k and i had walked into the living room to Sir and M, i asked if anyone wanted dessert. Well Sir was the only one who wanted dessert at the time so i went back into the kitchen while k went to sit at M's feet. When i returned, k was in pos. 5 with her legs spread....yes again i looked. lol Well Sir had me get into the same position as well and while i was there, k slipped into a position quite closely resembling pos 6. (Now please bear with me, this is where the order of things may get messed up lol) Needless to say k had a pretty good view of my cu*t and she was looking as well...yay me!! lol Well somehow she and i got to joking about if she had a long enough tongue i would have to beg Sir's permission to let her do it, or something to that effect. That lead into a joke about how Sir and M were both looking at k and i. That is where M got the new nickname "King Leer". It was rather funny really. At one point in time Sir had me stand up and get into pos.1 saying that it had been a while since He had me do positions. Just being in pos.1 felt very good to do and i wondered if my Master was going to have me go through all nine. But that is not what He had in mind for the moment. While i was in pos.1 M started to lightly (i think) slap k's cu*t!! Omg.....lol. To be honest all i could do was stare but in a good way. i have never seen someone do something like that in front of me before i must admit that i found it kind of erotic and yet at the same time, i took an observers pov. Really just curious about k's reaction to what M was doing. While this was happening, Sir released me from pos.1 and had me sit back down at His feet. So i got to watch M play with k for a little bit doing various things and then Sir had me crawl over His lap for a spanking. He made the comment that He had not given me spanking yet that day....to explain, it is almost like a ritual really. When i enter Sir's house i (almost all the time) am instructed to strip and place myself over His lap for a spanking. However with what time i arrived and what needed to be done, there simply was not time to do so. So my Master decided that then would be a good time to do so. Instead of feeling nervous, i only felt excitement and happiness. As you all know i love being spanked by my Master and Him doing so in front of M and k did not bother me in the least. After fu*king k with the strap-on i am not sure if there is much that would make me too nervous. A little nervous, definitely, but nothing that would cause me to pause in my actions. So i placed myself over His lap the way that He desired me to and just relaxed onto Him. i heard k moan or groan from time to time....i would hear light slaps and all i could do was wonder what was happening and i got pretty curious. lol While i had an audio experience Sir was spanking me and i became pretty aroused and wet. At the same time, i was also getting a bit frustrated.....Sir was spanking me pretty hard but for some reason i felt like i was in between sub space and normal. Part of me really wanted to go into sub space while another part of me was really enjoying hearing k's moans and my Master and M casually speaking to each other. The whole thing was erotic and kind of surreal to a point and i enjoyed everything very much. Then comes the blushing...lol. At some point in time, i think it was M who commented on me being quiet and the next thing i know i was ordered to turn my position so i was facing Sir's couch where M and k where. The next thing i know i have a perfect view of k's cu*t....omg. her legs were spread pretty far apart with her feet on the floor and M doing.....well i can't remember what actually. i do remember that He was using her cu*t at the time and k was enjoying herself quite a bit. i liked hearing and seeing her aroused and definitely enjoying herself. Being laid over my Master's lap where He would spank me from time to time was just wonderful while i was being allowed to observe and watch what was going on. When k came close to cumming, Sir made a comment about asking permission to cum and M told k that since it was His (my Master's) house it was only polite to ask Sir's permission to cum. i loved it, i loved it....lol. k obeyed Him and asked my Master for permission to cum and He told her "not yet". Oh goodness that was new...not only did i get to see her all aroused i also got to see her work with orgasm control. i was a little split about that....i know hard it can be to hold off an orgasm and i have a soft spot for other subs/slaves having to go through stuff. On the other side it was arousing to hear someone other than myself ask Sir for permission to cum and the fact that she was ordered to ask by M was really rather interesting. After a short amount of time, k asked again and this time my Master gave permission and i got see and hear another women orgasm in r/l. Wow...lol. It seems that every time M and k come around i end up doing or experiencing something new....true enough there is plenty i haven't done yet but i am always willing to try. After all was said and done k went back to do positions and somehow i ended up on the floor at Sir's feet once again. (Such a lovely place to be) But that, amongst other details, i do not remember. At the end of the night k got re-dressed and we all chatted for a little while longer before they left. When leaving, we all exchanged hugs and said what a wonderful time that we had. i am not sure if it would be possible to have anything but fun with M and k around to be honest. lol They have become very good friends and i must admit i am wondering what will happen that next time Sir and i see them. Whatever it may be i am sure that a wonderful time will be had by all.

slave kabobs

2007-11-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

Sir and i made plans for M and k to come to His house for dinner.....i was really happy and excited to see M and k again as they have become good friends of Sir and i. They showed up soon after Sir had started a fire in the fire place and everything was set to make dinner. After saying hello and hugs we all went into the kitchen where M and k sat down and Sir and i started on dinner (Sir loves to cook). While Sir and i were fixing everything k took off her top. Now that didn't bother me to be honest.....i have gotten used to seeing her naked so i didn't really think anything of it. i was still dressed so that was different.....i wasn't sure what Sir had in mind regarding my clothing but i figured i wouldn't worry about it for the time being and concentrated on speaking with everyone and making dinner. After a little bit longer k took of her skirt and i will admit i looked when opportunity presented itself...just being honest. lol Then something rather interesting happened. Sir has this drawer in His kitchen which holds miscellaneous items...wooden skewers, wooden laundry pins and a few other items. i am not sure how it happened but while dinner was being prepared, my Master took them out and put them on the counter. So M put a couple of the pins on k's nipples, let them sit there a couple of minutes and then kind of yanked them off. Ohhhh....that hurt to look at. lol Painful yet intriguing. i had to giggle with k when that happened and then i turned around and resumed helping with dinner. At one point in time, i was facing the sink and i remember Sir coming behind me and lifted my shirt over my head and then unbuttoned my skirt and dragged it down my body. This again, i wasn't too shocked about to be honest....a little surprised since my Master normally has me take off my clothing instead of Him doing it. But i must admit it was a bit of a turn on for Him to strip me in His kitchen. lol Sir does not normally undress me although it was rather nice. As for the dinner itself....i must say that my Master makes a wonderful London Broil. Sooo yummy! Lots of wonderful conversation ranging from vanilla matters to BDSM centered. i always greatly enjoy hanging out with M and k and tonight was no exception. After dinner was done k helped me clean up....while Sir and M got a few ideas. Sir grabbed a couple of wooden skewers and decided to bend them back and let them snap back on my ass a couple of time. i do not remember who suggested it, but someone made the suggestion that Sir put His name on my ass.....well i didn't get His name on my ass as my Master decided that His initials were enough. Omg....it hurt, yet felt good, and i held onto the counter trying hard not to move or jump. i ended up doing it anyways...lol. But when He was finished you could clearly make out His initials on my ass....a temporary branding i think M called it. After Sir was done with me, M was using the skewer on k and then Sir jumped in on it as well. lol i was a little surprised that k did not move the entire time until she said that she was afraid that if she moved the pain would go away. i must admit that i did laugh a little at that....it wasn't what she said (i can understand where she is coming from) but rather how she said it. The only way i could put it is cute and even she giggled a little bit. Watching that happen was very interesting...i got a little aroused yet i must admit that i was mostly curious about her reaction. The whole thing was done in a lighthearted manner really so i think everyone was pretty relaxed the entire time. After k and i got slapped with the skewers i was actually pretty happy and kept giggling....since almost every time i turned around there was a comment about His initials on my ass. (Sir was happy that they were still there...since marks fade quickly on me) But i was proud that i stood still enough for Him to do it and i even asked Sir if i could get a picture of it before the marks went away. Which was forgotten about but there is a very fun, new and good reason why. After all of that had occurred k and i finished up cleaning the kitchen while Sir and M went into the living room to chat, which also gave k and i time to speak as well. After she and i had finished cleaning we went into the living room where Sir and M where at. All of what happened next was new in some ways and also very fun although i did blush a few times.

Wow

2007-11-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

Sir and i were on the couch cuddling when He made the comment that He thought that i should go into the shower. i said "yes Sir" but did not move for a few moments....He allowed me to stay within His arms for a few more moments and then told me to go ahead and go. i hopped off the couch and replied once again "yes Sir". my voice was a little subdued because i was thinking about what i was going to do.....or attempt to do anyways. i took off all of my clothes, folded them up and kneeled in the shower to wait for Him. Very shortly He came in and my breath caught in my chest and my eyes closed briefly.....when i opened them once again i watched Sir unzip His pants and pull out His c*ck. i took a deep breath to calm myself and as He started to pee on me my eyes just closed. i couldn't help it...so much was going through my head. i opened my mouth and concentrated on keeping my mouth open. At first He started on my breasts and then started to pee into my mouth. As i did last time, i gently pushed it out but then something new happened.....i swallowed. Not just a tiny bit but a reasonable amount. Omg....it is hard to describe how it felt. i didn't plan on it, in fact, it just kind of happened. When i realized what i did my mind froze for just a second and then this astounding rush of submission and humbleness hit me. i kept my mouth open and i dimly heard Sir say "good girl". The next thing i knew i swallowed again....part of me didn't believe i did it the first time. lol The second time i swallowed even more of His pee and Sir told me later that He could see my throat work when i did. The feeling in the room (at least for me) seemed to change....all i could feel was my submission and His Dominance. Amazing in my opinion..... i swallowed a third time and by that time i could swear i was in sub-space. Not the same as when Sir uses the flogger or crop but i was in this head space where the world around me seemed to fade away. After Sir had finished, my eyes were still closed and for the life of me they wanted to stay that way. lol i do remember opening them briefly and saw Sir had squatted next to the shower. i closed my eyes once again....the moment still seemed so intense and i was still in that lovely head space. He asked me if i was with Him and i remember giving Him a non-verbal response....my mouth didn't want to work either apparently. i opened my eyes and He looked into them, tenderly stroked my face and ask me what i was. "i am Your slave Sir" was my response, barely above a whisper. He told me i was a good girl once again, gently kissed me on my lips and just let me stay there kneeling for a minute. i am sure that my Master could see how "rocked' i was by the experience and He gave me the time to kind of collect myself before helping me up so i could take a shower. The time showering was pretty cool....it was almost like being drunk. lol Perhaps a bad analogy but.....you know how when you get a little tipsy, you can still see everything but it feels surreal to a certain point? Well that is how i was feeling while i was bathing. Sir would come in and look at me and all i could to was smile at Him. How very very wonderful. Even after i got out, the feeling of that deep heartfelt submission stayed with me for a couple of hours and even now i can remember how i felt. i may not be able to describe it very well but i remember with such clarity. Swallowing for the first time was astounding. Although i always feel that depth of submission whenever Sir decides to pee on me, swallowing seemed to take golden showers to a new level as well as my submission. The whole event was incredible and i was so very happy that i was able to please Him and take another step into our exploration of golden showers. i am hoping that next time i will be able to swallow even more for Him and eventually be able to not have to kneel in the shower period unless Sir wants me to. Yet another wonderful step into this journey with my Master and as always i am looking forward to whatever else may come.

Caught in the Headlights

2007-10-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

"Drop your pants." Quietly, firmly said by my Master as He held a miniature cane in one of His hands. i have never truly hesitated following a command given by Him but this time i froze. He and i were in a public store...true enough it was a BDSM themed store....one that sold collars, canes, crops, floggers, BDSM clothing and other paraphernalia. But is was still a public place. There were other people in the store (all men i might add) and i wasn't wearing any underwear. How this came about is that Sir was looking at canes...He let me feel a couple of them and chose one and lightly whacked me on my ass with it. It didn't sting at all and when Sir asked me if i felt it, i told Him "no Sir" He then walked to the other side of me, got this serious expression on His face and ordered me to drop my pants. For about 10 seconds i thought He was joking and then reality hit....He really meant for me to drop my pants in the middle of the store!!! In front of people....with no underwear on!! Omg......my heart dropped into my stomach and started to race. i was praying that He would change His mind but i knew He meant what He said. So i stood there, hopping from foot to foot, looking decidedly uncomfortable and by Sir's words, distressed. i had my hands on the counter, looking down and part of me wanted to beg for me to keep my clothes on. i wanted to do as He instructed but i still could not seem to wrap my head around His request....He repeated Himself and with my emotions flying around at the speed of light, i tried to focus on my submission. i tried to make everything around me fade away.....to a place where my concentration was on my Master and what He wanted me to do. But it was sooo hard. i kept getting images of some man walking behind me getting a perfect view of my cu*t...eeekkk! i saw Him smile from time to time as He saw my struggle with the concept, trying to process what He wanted me to do. As i started to calm down and accept the fact that i was going to drop my pants for a very possible public caning some guy comes out of no where and asks me if i am okay. my Master was not pleased in the least...in fact He got a little pissed. i remember hearing Him say "she's fine"...and not in a nice way. i answered "never better"....looking back i should not have responded but i didn't know if everything was okay or not. It did break the scene though....Sir was a bit angry and my concentration of pulling from my submission was a bit lost. However, after the guy had left i was still really nervous....in my mind i was thinking i still needed to obey His command. In an attempt for more time to think, i even asked Sir if we could ask the clerk if me dropping my pants would be okay.....lol. i was really really nervous. Sir kind of waited around, spoke to the clerk (the clerk told Him it would be okay lol) and i followed Him around the store. Somehow, without my Master telling me, i kind of knew that the scene would not be occurring. On the same note, i also knew that He could turn around and tell me to drop my pants at anytime, so i was a bundle of nerves the rest of the time in the store. Every time He would look at me i thought He was going to tell me to strip. lol When we got back in His car i was quiet....i felt bad for not responding immediately, i felt that i had failed in a way. Sir told me that He knew i would do as He requested, once i wrapped my brain around the idea but i still felt a little bad about it. Looking back on the scene in the store later on in the day, i told Sir that even though i was really nervous and it was pretty hard, i still wished that the scene that He wanted to do, hadn't been interrupted. Sir felt the same....He wanted to push me mentally and He wanted me to use my submission. That is the first time that anything, like a scene being interrupted, has ever happened and i hope that it will be the last. i trust Sir to push me where He wants me and i think experiencing something like that would have, in the end, been wonderful. On a positive note, what i did get to experience was very nerve-wracking yet pretty cool.....who knows, maybe Sir will see fit to do something like that again. i know for sure that i will be blushing but hopefully i will be able to process and respond a lot faster than this past time.

Bats, Rabbits and King Leer

2007-10-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well here i am, back at home once again from a visit at Sir's house. Ohhhh goodness...this visit was very intense in some ways. This weekend He pushed me a bit further....a bit harder. There was a break through with golden showers and for the first time, i truly tried to talk my way out of doing something that my Master requested of me. Yes, i would have done it once i wrapped my head around what He told me to do, but that was my initial reaction. Don't worry, everything will be explained in time. ::grin:: Dinner with M (now known as King "Leer"-lol) and k went wonderful and i got my first real life taste of voyeurism. Eeek!! lol Actually it was pretty cool...although i did blush a little. This visit was very fun and although my Master decided to push me kind of hard (in my opinion lol), in the end i was smiling and pleased with myself from pleasing Him. Ohh and it is official....the tickets are bought, plans are made and i will be bringing my birthday present (rabbit, with a purple ribbon around her neck) to Sir the next time i go to Him!! So overall this weekend was wonderful, as are all of my visits to my Master. Sometimes it is pretty amazing what can happen in just a couple of days......did i mention that Sir and i saw the bat-mobile??

Something New

2007-10-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

Recently i have introduced everybody to my new friend "rabbit". i don't want to be overly optomistic but i thought it would be fun to write little updates of her progression with her submission. So look forward to *rabbit updates* from here on out.

For my first update, rabbit has been instructed on how to address Sir in a proper manner. she is getting accustomed to doing so but it is rather cute to watch her blush when she says "Hello Mr. R"

Bye Bye Bye

2007-10-25T22:04:00.001-07:00

This is going to be my last entry for a few days for the time has come around yet again for me to go to my Master! Yay!! lol i am always excited to go and see Him and with this visit i, again, have no idea what exactly is going to happen. i do know that M and k are coming over for dinner and then the next day Sir is taking me to get my hair cut. All the stuff in between, i don't have much of a clue. lol That always makes me a little nervous.....excited and curious as well. Sir has spoken of using the chamber pot, the tenns unit, He told me to bring my butt plug and of course there is that fantasy He had me write. Sooo...what He is thinking of doing, i am not really sure of. The one thing i am sure of is exploring more into golden showers....hopefully to where i can swallow some of His pee before the visit is over. i am pretty nervous about doing that but i am also so very happy and excited to try for Him. Hmmm, i am sure that lots will happen, so i am sure that i will be writing when i return. Bye until then!

rabbit

2007-10-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

There is something new in the wind at the moment....she is a friend of mine whom Sir has nicknamed rabbit. Well rabbit and i have been friends for just a short while but she and i just "clicked". After a couple of weeks of getting to know one another and her many questions about my collar, (she at first thought it was a choker) i decided to tell her about the lifestyle i share with Sir, our dynamic and BDSM in general. she wasn't turned off about BDSM, just the opposite really. she was very curious about everything contained therein and asked me endless questions. lol In many ways, rabbit reminds both Sir and i of me 10 months ago....very curious and shy but eager to explore her submission. So it has been decided among the three of us that she will come with me to visit Sir sometime in the future. Omg!! lol i am really very excited and so is she. There are a few reasons as to why she is coming....for starters she is my birthday present to Sir. (so better than a tie- lol) and for those of you wondering, she is fully aware of this fact and is not only excited to be His present but she also finds it to be a very erotic thought to be "given away". There are many things that Sir wishes to explore with her when she visits...bondage, forced orgasm, crawl training my continuing journey into my bi-sexual side (that opens many doors to her visit) and of course the many ways my submission will be used and rabbit's starting journey into her own submission. Really very exciting stuff. On the topic of rabbit discovering her own submission, it is my Master's intent that she be able to explore her submission through domestic service, ritual and protocol as well as some sexual service. i think the best part is that she knows that she gets to freely explore all of things in a safe environment....where she can relax and know that nothing will happen that she doesn't agree to. rabbit also has quite a few erotic fantasies that Sir is planning on exploring as well as a few of His own. (ohhh boy- blushing will occur i am sure lol) Some of the things He has planned so far gives me a strong dose of nervous anticipation as well as arousal. i haven't really touched, played or fu*ked another female in years! (literally) So all of this does make me a bit nervous....funny, that is one thing rabbit is not really nervous about at all. lol i think that all of this is wonderful....i truly like rabbit and have become fast friends with her and i think that this upcoming visit will be made so much better because of that fact. More to come soon i promise.

Fantasy

2007-10-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Sir is having me write this entry about what type of scene i would like to do this weekend.....this is a little hard because i am really shy about admitting my desires or fantasies. When it comes to what type of scene i would like to experience....well that's a tough one. lol i think a scene with a lot of bondage would be fun....to explore more objectification and eventual use to include erotic pain mixed with a high dose of pleasure. Maybe slow erotic torture. i have learned that i do not have a lot of patience when it comes to masturbating although i have gotten better. To delve deeper into the image that comes across is this.

i am completely naked except for the cuffs on my wrists and ankles. He has me tied up with my head down and my ass up. my legs are tied so that they are spread wide open.....i cannot move them, even to adjust slightly. my wrists are bound together behind my back with the rope heading up to the ceiling....pulling on my wrists so that my arms are pulled straight behind my back. my Master is kind enough to provide a pillow for my head, to keep my neck from hurting. i am open, in every way, nothing hidden...formed almost like a piece of art....something for Him to just enjoy looking at if that is what pleases Him to do. After i am settled into position, He walks away without saying a word. The next thing i hear is Him doing something in the kitchen and then walking back to the room i am in and then gives me a light spanking. When He is finished, He tells me that i am good girl and then proceeds to sit down on His computer, seeming to ignore me completely. From time to time He comes and plays with me, uses me, praises me and then leaves me again. Sometimes He even just stays in the same room to read or perhaps talk on the phone. Sometimes He does is so slow and erotic....never hard or fast enough for what my body seems to be craving and sometimes it is erotic pain, pushing my boundaries and my submission. i think my mind even wants to sneak in the image of my Master using my body to please Himself.. ::major blushing:: ...i know that my body is for His use, but i think for this scene every aspect of His actions instills that feeling of being His play thing, an object of His passing interest, more and more deeply. i will admit that the entire scene in my head is around objectification. Since He brought the term to light (in a way i had not thought of), i am curious to explore what could be done with it. i know that i have not incorporated emotions into this....but i am not really sure to how i would react to all of that happening. To think of this actually happening does make me nervous....excited but pretty nervous all the same. i know that my submission would be used and that it is an erotic thought for me to not only be used as my Master's personal toy, but to be treated like His toy as well. At least for that scene......to be honest i do not think i would enjoy being treated like that all the time but i think it would be great to expand a little more on the concept and such. i think that being seemingly ignored (i know that He would be checking in on me to make sure i was okay often) could push me emotionally after a period of time....i know that my submission would be stretched and used....the entire time really. my boundaries with erotic pain could very well also be a factor and i am pretty sure that i would have to use my submission to ward off impatience if Sir decided to..oh say, use my cu*t with a dildo but going really slow or not inserting it all the way in. i have tried that on myself...thus how i have learned that i can have little patience with that. lol Overall i am not sure how my Master would desire to push or use me but it is a rather interesting, exciting and admittedly a bit nerve wracking too, to think about how He would change it up to fit His desires. Part of me can't believe i actually put all of this down!! lol Objectification....i never thought it would be something that would appeal to some part of me but as always, unless i am willing to open myself up to my Master and new experiences i will never find out. Although i am pretty sure that this is something that does appeal to me a great deal, i think the exploration of it would probably be trying at times but a lot of fun as well.

Acceptance

2007-10-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

Can someone be too accepting? i am not really sure....i think it is a fine line....or maybe not even that. i know, that's confusing so let me explain. i don't think it is really a matter of how accepting a sub is but rather why. A sub will submit to their Dom/me because that is what their Dom/me desires at the time. The sub wishes only to please Them. Therefore, a sub has to accept the situation by using her submission. her desire to please her Dom/me overrides her discomfort or their mental/emotional instincts. Like the time Sir was using the rubber band.....i had to fight the instinct to move away. i had to accept not only the pain from the rubber band but the fact that that is what Sir wanted to do at the time. There have been other times when i have had to use the same process. A couple of day's ago Sir told me that i was to stop masturbating, that i was back on restriction. i readily agreed and wasn't even upset over it. i reacted that particular way because i know that Sir does things for His reasons and as Sir told me, i look at the big picture not the small things. Which is true for the most part. Although admittedly, i did miss masturbating after 2 days. lol But my mindset was that of knowing that my stopping was by His decision.......by obeying Him i was happy and i am always assured the my Master has His reasons for doing something, even if i do not know them at the time. However, i think that if a sub feels "numb" about something, like she couldn't care either way then i think that would be a problem. To me that says that she does not care what happens to her, that she is entering the "robot zone". Not a good thing i think. i have spoken with many subs, all of which say that even though they will obey their Doms/Masters, they still think and certainly feel for what they are doing. i think that thinking about it is what makes subs so nervous in the first place! lol i am sure that in some dynamics the Dom/me wants complete unthinking obedience but i do not think i would be happy that way. i accept what ever my Master wants even though it makes me nervous or uncomfortable because it makes Him happy and pleased. Which in turn makes me happy as well. But if i became indifferent about doing something, if i automatically simply said yes Sir without thought to how this action will effect me i do not see how i could be happy about pleasing Him and knowing my Master he would quickly grow bored of our dynamic. Always wanting to do what someone else wants to do i think is another fine line. i think that there are probably quite a few views on this matter, both from a BDSM and vanilla standpoint. Hmmm...lots to think on. Anyone else have any other views??

Master-bation

2007-10-14T13:37:00.000-07:00

Sir decided to do something He has not done in a while.....He decided to use me over the phone. i had walked into my room to go to bed for the night and after asking permission to undress for the night Sir told me to go and get my vibe. i was very surprised and happy to be able to please Him. i grabbed my vibe as a shiver of anticipation ran through me. After i had walked back to my bed and laid down Sir told me to turn it on. He then told me to place it on my clit.....by this time i was already becoming aroused and part of me couldn't wait to see what Sir wanted to do. Well in this instance with Sir using me (i am not going into detail...sorry lol) He had me be vocal. Since He had me starting out fu*king myself slowly, this was very easy to do. As always whenever Sir is using me i fall into that submissive mindset where all i want to do is please my Master. The best way to do that while He is using me is to be His slut in any way He desires me to be. Whenever i get into that mindset i have no problem telling Sir that i am His slut and that my body is for His use.....because i am and my body is. So i was being vocal, letting my Master know how aroused i was and how much i am His. How much of an affect He has on me and how much i was enjoying Him using me. That is a state of mind in which only Sir can take me to. i was moving my hips, moaning and just letting go of myself....allowing myself to lose control as He willed. After i asked Him if His slut may please have permission to cum for Him, i got pretty loud. Loud enough at any rate for Him to go "shhhhh" over the phone. It was a quick and sharp command and i immediately obeyed Him. i thanked Him for using me and allowing me to cum for Him after i was able to catch my breath....at least a little bit anyways. A wonderful surprise and treat from my Master.
Another time since i have been home, Sir used me again. This time though, He told me i was not to make any noise whatsoever. No moans or groans or anything. In fact the only time i was allowed to to make any verbal response was to ask His permission to cum for Him and that was it. That was different than the first time.....going from vocal to nothing was very interesting. Knowing that the only sound He wanted to hear was my breathing was erotic. i even tried to breath quietly.....but that didn't work out so well. lol After He had me insert the vibe into my cu*t Sir had me fu*k myself harder and harder as the minutes ticked by. That got a little tough, to be honest. But i still kept fu*king myself as He commanded and the pain and tiredness would fade. Since i was being very quiet, Sir did all the talking. There was one time as He was using me that He said "That's right be a slut....be My slut." i think hearing that aroused me as much as i saying that i am His slut. Again i just let myself go.....i used to have a hard time doing that but now it is much easier to do. There is nothing wrong in my obeying Him and doing as He says. i am allowed that freedom to surrender myself to Him, to feel no fear or shame or embarrassment for what i am doing is pleasing Him, which is what makes me feel happy and complete. At this time, fu*king myself hard and staying quiet is how i could please Him the most. Near the end, my cu*t was getting really really sensitive and it started to become hard to keep fu*king myself as hard as He wanted me do. But even though it was hard, the desire to please Him and the pleasure He was creating in me overrode all of that. Sir using me this time was a bit tougher than the first time although i enjoyed every minute of it. i love being used by Sir and i am very thankful when He decides to surprise me by doing so.
There is one other similar experience i have had since being home. Sir gave me a task to do. i was to meditate for my 15 minutes as i usually do but this time i was to put in my butt plug before hand. It had been a while since i had used that and i was a bit nervous about doing so. The plug was a bit hard to get in at first but soon i just enjoyed the full feeling and let my mind wander to where Sir wanted it. At this time, i was to concentrate on presenting Sir with anther girl....how it would make me feel and what thoughts came to mind. i had fun with that one. lol Lots of images. After my meditation i was to take my vibe and run it up and down my clit for 10 minutes. i had to move slowly and i could not insert in into my cu*t. i had a couple of fantasies while doing so. (Not telling....lol) i did at odd intervals remember the crop and and the stinger from our last visit. Both of which caused my arousal level to go higher.....even though i still don't really like the stinger. i don't like it yet part of me would like to experience that again. Don't you love how that works? lol After the ten minutes were up, i was instructed to fu*k myself hard for twenty minutes straight. No stopping, even if i came. This was unusual since normally when i do cum, i am allowed to stop, but not this time. As well as being given permission to cum, i was also instructed to ask Sir for His permission to cum for Him. Doesn't matter if He is there or not, i still need to ask permission. my Master did tell me that i had to gradually build up to where i was fu*king myself hard....and since i wasn't allowed to stop, this also meant that i had to continue to fu*k myself hard afterward. So when i started, i was filled with nervous anticipation. i wasn't sure what it was going to feel like to keep fu*king myself after i came and hard at that. i knew i needed to stay relaxed so that i wasn't tense (i have learned it is hard for me to cum if i am too tense) and most importantly, i needed to let go and just let myself feel everything that was happening. i slowly built up to a hard pace...thinking of Sir and His voice and past times attributed to my arousal quite heavily. When i felt my orgasm imminent, i asked Sir if His slut may please cum for Him and then the climax hit. It was hard to move the vibe....my cu*t tightened up quite a bit as well as the rest of my body. When the orgasm faded, i resumed fu*king myself and learned that my cu*t gets really sensitive afterward. It actually started to hurt a little but soon the pain faded back into pleasure once again. A few minutes later the timer went off for this task all i could do was lay back and breath for a few minutes. When i finally calmed down completely i went and had some cereal and then i went to bed. Happy that i had pleased Him and a bit tired from all the activities that He had me do. Going from nervous anticipation before, to relaxed and aroused during meditation, to really letting go and behaving like His slut, then cumming for Him and then going from it hurting a little bit and then back to pleasure was pretty cool. i felt very happy that i kept fu*king myself hard even afterward even though it got a little rough. Knowing i was pleasing Him even though it got a little hard was a wonderful feeling. All of these experiences were different in many ways. All were wonderful and each time i had to adjust myself to the situation at hand. More learning and more experiences from Sir....and more unexpected treats. With one i was vocal, the other one silent and one in which i had to use my submission to keep fu*king myself and then experiencing that blend of pleasure/pain. Being able to serve Him in any manner makes me feel complete and with all of these i try to do just that. All of this makes this slave very happy indeed.

Couch Series Part 2

2007-10-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

When Sir told me to lay face down, i could not help but get butterflies in my stomach. After He had finished tying me up, He spread my legs as far as they could go. i was open...both physically and mentally. Being tied up in a hog tie with my legs spread felt wonderful. i am sure that Sir had the view that He wanted....and i enjoyed being in that position for Him. As i took a couple of deep breaths and relaxed into the position i was in, Sir turned the harley back on. Ohh lord. lol Maybe it was because it was the position i was in, or the fact that i was in a particular submissive mindset or maybe it was even because Sir had aroused me so much already, that when He put the vibe back on my cu*t, i breathed a sigh of relief. Squealing quickly followed though. lol i think that i truly enjoyed not being able to move....the only thing i could do was feel. i remember Sir laying the harley down on the couch so it was still touching my cu*t as He left the room for a brief moment. It was so hard just laying there....mostly because i didn't stay very still. lol To explain...if i didn't move, the vibe wouldn't move....but my body had other ideas. i would move my hips up and down, trying to feel more of it....unfortunately when i did that it would move back just the tiniest bit. The sensations that caused was very.....wow. lol Just barely touching....teasing....in the short time Sir was gone i was desperately trying to feel the sensations more fully. When He did return, He lifted the vibe again.....very shortly i felt my body seeking an orgasm. What happened next i could not have predicted at all.....i felt a very sharp, painful sting. It took my brain about 30 seconds to ascertain what it was.....the little hand held "stinger". It felt like little bee stings....this is one of my Master's toys that i do not like. lol However, my body totally disagreed with my head. my brain was going, no no no while each touch (as much as it stung) seemed again to propel me into an orgasm. That was the second time that visit that that that had happened. Again my ass seemed to raise itself in the air as pleasure and pain intermixed. Although my brain was going "no" i still loved it....it was something that my Master wanted me to go through and i was very happy to have pleased Him. When it comes to the "no" in my brain......well.....i didn't say no or my safe word during that entire time. i think it goes back to even though something hurts, you still want it....like the crop....or the cane. lol i have read about some women having a hard time cumming unless there is that added element of pleasure/pain and i wondered if perhaps i may be one of those. Although what happened next i think defeats that theory. After i had asked Sir if His slut may cum for Him, He gave permission and i came for Him, He kept the vibe on my cu*t. Sir then took His purple dildo and inserted it into my cu*t. Oh my goodness..... He started out really slow and i gave in completely to the added sensations He was allowing. i squirmed....presented my ass higher....just let go for Him. After a couple of minutes He asked me if i felt another orgasm building and i nodded my head. Then i realized that that was probably not acceptable. lol So i replied "yes Sir" and He started to go faster and harder with the dildo. He would speak occasionally...telling me i was a good girl (it is amazing the different effect that has when He is using me vs when He is not) and other things, or asking me what i was. Mmmmm. lol i think, thanks to my Master, that i am getting back in touch with the side of me that enjoys vocal stimulation. Well i felt the rush of an orgasm hit me and i once again asked Sir if His slut may have permission to cum for Him. However this time, He paused for a few seconds and then asked me "Do you really need to cum?" i practically shouted "Yes Sir, please oh please may Your slut please cum for You?" lol He then waited a few more seconds and i was trying soo hard not to cum....my whole body was tense and even though my body wanted to cum, i had this little voice in my head that was telling i had better not. Thank goodness i soon heard Sir telling me to cum. It took a couple of seconds for His words to register....and omg....the orgasm Sir allowed me to have was intense. As i felt Him untie me, my whole body was lax and heavy. What happened afterward is XXX so i'm not putting it in here....This whole scene on the couch was so wonderful. In the end i discovered something new about myself. The stinger required i use my submission as did having to control my orgasm....(not for too long thank goodness). The latter definitely reiterating the fact that my orgasm is for my Master's enjoyment, not my own. One more wonderful way i was pushed, used and praised this visit. Best part, there is another visit scheduled in the very near in the future.....yay!

Objectification

2007-10-08T18:18:00.001-07:00

Couch Series Part 2 will be here soon.....in the meantime, i thought to discuss something. Last night Sir and i were talking on the phone about the whole scene on the couch and His seemingly nonchalant behavior. Nonchalant being Him "watching" the game on the tv while using me. The conversation (part of it) went something like this. i asked Him why He had done that and He told me that He wasn't going to give me the answer. Instead He wanted to know why i thought He had done it and how it made me feel. i told Him that even though He seemed nonchalant, somewhere in my head i knew that He wasn't being so. my Master never does anything without a reason. i knew the feeling....but i couldn't put a word to it. He asked me if it aroused me and after some giggling, i said "Yes Sir". He told me that there was no right or wrong answer....that it is just the way that i feel. Again with me getting shy when admitting i enjoy something of a sexual nature. A little bit into the conversation He asked me if it felt like something He had done in the past. To explain, one time Sir used me while on the web cam. i was letting lose, masturbating at His command, while He sat down in front of His computer and ate dinner. For some reason, although i did not understand it at the time, i found that very arousing. i said as much to Sir and He told me that was the first hint that He had that i enjoyed objectification. i was silent for a few minutes turning the idea in my head. i have never really considered that before.....almost every time in the past when i heard that phrase, i thought of someone being used as furniture or something like that. So for Him to put it in that light was something different but made a great deal of sense. So i got my answer.....my Master's seemingly nonchalant behavior on the couch was for the purpose of bringing out the emotion and mind set of objectification. Of being His property to do with as He pleased....His toy He gets to play with whenever He desires to. As much as i may blush to admit this.....that image and concept does arouse me very much. It is another thing that i have learned through Sir. It was something He knew, that i didn't....well i knew the feeling but i didn't know the word. It makes me wonder what else there is about me that my Master sees and i do not......

Couch Series Part 1

2007-10-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

i walked into the living room....making sure all was cleaned up after lunch. Casually walking in, my eyes take in purple rope and the harley on the couch. For some reason i didn't even notice them until the second time i went in to living room.....then my brain was doing a double take. lol i wasn't expecting Sir to do anything, i had honestly thought we were going to spend the rest of my visit just hanging out and talking. Needless to say i was very surprised and my stomach tightened up...wondering what Sir had in mind. i hurriedly finished up the dishes....filling up quickly with nervous anticipation......just wondering what Sir was going to do or what was going to happen. Since i knew something was going to happen, i asked Sir's permission to use the bathroom and He gave me permission to do so. After exiting the bathroom, i went and made sure the clothing i was going to change in to was laid out and that my bags were packed...everything was ready to go. i went into the living room and Sir asked me if everything was okay. i explained to Him what i had done and He gave me a look of approval. i went into the kitchen to put up the dishes and when i walked back to the living room, Sir had me stand in front of Him as He tied my hands behind my back with one forearm resting on top of the other. Simply being tied up by Sir felt so good....He had me move my arms so He could tie me up with ease and when He was done He had me sit on the couch. Ohh goodness.....He brought out the spreader bar and after asking if my hands felt okay, proceeded to tie my ankles to it so my legs were spread. i am not sure how He did it....but somewhere in the whole process Sir tied the rope so there was a rope on each side of my cu*t....effectively spreading me a bit more than usual. Or maybe it just felt that way.... By the time my Master was done i was curious, nervous and aroused. When He had me where He wanted me, He stood up and calmly took a drink of His tea....part of my brain was like "i am sitting here, tied up and spread and He is drinking tea?" lol The other part of me was so aroused by Him doing that.....just knowing that He would look at me whenever He wanted to and how i was positioned may arouse Him, that i was that way because that is how He wanted me....all of it aroused me to no end. He put down His tea and walked somewhere and when He got back He had a camera. He told me to look at Him and for the life of me i couldn't....part of me was panicked....all i could think was that i couldn't do what He wanted me to. It was sooo hard to look up....i was that nervous but i did. He took three pictures and each one He had to tell me to look up....i had to use my submission very much during that time. The word uncomfortable would work well. lol After He had taken the pics, He sat down next to me on the couch. i remember the tv was playing a football game and Sir looked at the tv for a minute. He then brought out the harley, turned it on and then placed it on my cu*t. As i was squealing from the sudden stimulation, Sir sat back, relaxed and watched the football game. Occasionally looking at me but mostly at the tv. i squirmed, moaned and was moving my hips against the vibe all the while i was burying my head in my Master's side smelling His cologne and feeling the warmth and hardness of His body. i completely let go and let myself flow with the sensations....the situation, my submission, everything. i loved it!! After a while of me being His slut with the harley, Sir turned off the vibe and untied my legs. After the entire weekend i learned not to assume that Sir was done....and He wasn't. He instructed me to lay on my stomach and asked me again if my hands were doing well. i told Him that they were doing well and He had me bend my legs so my feet were in the air. The next thing i knew my Master started to tie my feet together.....

On the prowl

2007-10-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

i am going out tonight (to an alternative lifestyle club with a gay friend) with my Master's permission looking for another women to join our dynamic....someone who may have experience or is simply curious about BDSM. This is done in the spirit of me wanting to give my Master a very special birthday present. Hopefully all will go well tonight....wish me luck!

Open wide

2007-10-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

"When we get home, I want you to immediately strip and go and kneel in the shower." That is what Sir said to me on the way home from a lovely morning/afternoon out, taking in the views and just chatting. i was taken aback for about a second when He said this. Sir and i had spoken about our exploration in golden showers and had agreed that i was ready for Him to pee in my mouth. This would mean keeping my mouth open then entire time....eeek. lol The entire ride home, i kept trying to frantically run that scenario through my head. Imagining it, trying to put it in my head and send that signal to my body. i was afraid that once Sir started, my body would freeze up and i wouldn't be able to open my mouth. When Sir pulled up to His house, He had me get out of the car so He could put it in His garage and reminded me to head straight for the bathroom. i tried to walk calmly through His house but i will admit that i sped up my pace as soon as the door was closed. lol When i got to the bathroom, i hurriedly took of all my clothing, folded it up (a mess in His bathroom would never do) and opened the shower door. i just stood there for a second....my heart was pounding and my breath was a little uneven as i thought about what was going to happen. i got into the shower and fell into pos. 5 and waited. my ears were straining to hear His footsteps....my eyes were closed and i just breathed deep breaths. i slowly but surely started to relax by focusing on my submission then i heard the front door open. my heart rate sped up again as did my nervous anticipation level....as nervous as i was part of me was very excited. As i heard His footsteps getting closer to the bathroom and eventually the shower door i slowly looked up at Him. my brain was in omg mode. lol Sir had me raise up into pos. 4 and my mouth stuck shut....as He started to pee on me, i took a deep breath, swallowed and opened my mouth. As i felt the stream of pee move up my body my eyes closed shut....i just couldn't help it...very very intense. Then Sir peed in my mouth...when i opened my eyes and looked up at Him, i was gone...sooo gone. lol i think at that moment my brain stopped working...no thoughts only feelings. Humbleness and submission took over.....my mouth stayed open pretty wide and His pee would run out on its own or i would gently push it out of my mouth. When Sir was finished, He held out His cock and told me to kiss it. What happened next happened in degrees... i first very gently just kissed the head of His cock....somehow knowing He wanted me to do more i tentatively went and put the entire head in my mouth. The last time i put His entire cock in my mouth and briefly wondered if He would want me to service Him in that manner....my arousal level hitched up while thinking that. However, Sir did not want that...not this time. Some of His pee was in my mouth and i swallowed....almost experimentally. Again, not how you would think it would taste.... After i slid back into pos.5 i was in a daze. Full comprehension of what happened hit me all at once and i was robbed of the power of speech. Sir gently stroked my hair and softly told me i was a good girl and how proud of me He was. The look on His face when looking into my eyes i can only describe as proud and tender. A little part of me melted right there and then. i managed to say "Thank You Sir" and i know i was smiling. When i stood up and He helped me turn on the shower i was still in a daze of sorts. Before He walked out of the bathroom He asked me if i was sure i was okay, with an expression of gentleness and concern. i told Him that i was sure and then after He walked out of the bathroom, i went underneath the hot spray of the water. i just let it run over my body and i leaned against the wall, closed my eyes and didn't even bother to move for the first couple of minutes. When i got done with my shower, i dried off and went into the area where Sir has His computer. Although i know i was speaking and functioning, part of me was still in a very deep submissive mindset. i must say that i love that feeling. The whole experience was amazing and erotic in some ways.....some of it was nerve wracking..but in a good way. As with most things Sir has me do, i look forward to doing this again and i look forward to see where this exploration into golden showers leads.

The Pleasures of Pain: Release

2007-10-05T06:19:00.000-07:00

The crop stung....not as much as the cane but it still stung quite a bit. i lost track of how many swats i received....i kept going in and out of subspace....trying to breath through the pain yet everything that had happened made it a bit difficult to do so. One minute all the whacks would blend together and start to echo and then Sir would hit a really really sensitive spot and it would be a sharp pain. i think at that point, the crop was arousing me much more than the cane. After a few minutes of this, Sir brought out the harley and omg.....He had set aside the crop and all i could feel were the edges of pain through my body yet there was also the massive amount of pleasure from the harley on my cu*t. i had experienced something like that, that morning but nothing could have really prepared me for what my Master was going to do next. As the harley was on my cu*t, Sir started to strike the back of my thighs and my ass with the crop again...hard and fast. Almost like He was flicking it against my skin. Ohh....the crop hurt but every time He would strike me with it, i would feel it all the way in my cu*t. Feeling that for the first time threw me a bit off balance....pain and pleasure were being combined in a way i had not experienced before. i started moaning and lifting my ass higher in the air...in a way begging for more. At one point in time Sir said "that's right...let the pain and pleasure combine" Mmmm...the sound of His voice was just.....wow. lol Each stroke, even though it hurt, propelled me closer and closer to an orgasm. At that point pain was pleasure in every sense of word. i remember the orgasm hitting me so fast that i quickly asked Sir if His slut may please cum for Him and was so grateful that He gave permission. Even though Sir is getting me more and more used to putting off an orgasm, i am not sure if i would have been able to hold it back. As the rush of the orgasm ran through me, i asked Sir to please hit me harder (with the crop) and every time the crop came down onto my tender skin, it seemed to strengthen and prolong the orgasm Sir was allowing me to have. Oh goodness....now when ever i think of the crop i get even more aroused than i have in the past. After i had calmed down and thanked Sir for using me and allowing me to cum for Him, He had me turn over on my back and put my head over the side of the bed where He decided to fu*k my throat for a time. It had been a while since Sir has done that. i loved every minute of it. When He had used me to the extent He wanted to He had me turn back around and lay on the bed. He then decided to put on some nipples clamps....and not just any clamps but the ones that tighten up if they are pulled on. i laid somewhat frozen on the bed....the clamps felt tight and i didn't want to risk making them any tighter. lol Well Sir then grabbed hold and lightly pulled on the chain between them.....i got off His bed as fast i could when He did that and oh boy, they felt much tighter when i was finally standing. lol He then briefly looked at me and then pulled the chain down....for some reason it took me a few seconds to realize that He wanted me on my knees on the floor. After i got onto my knees my nipples were burning a little bit from the clamps....although what Sir had me do next was absolutely wonderful. He looked down at me and told me to suck His cock. Then, since one of my favorite things is to serve my Master in that manner, the nipple clamps didn't seem to hurt as much. lol Again with arousal and pain inter-mixing. Although after a minute or two, Sir had me stop and He put the chain so it was laying on top of the base of His cock and then had me resume serving Him. The chain being there did two things.....one, it made me a little nervous since it was there...more or less just wondering if it would move while i was sucking His cock and two, every time i pulled my mouth back it would slightly pull on my nipples. lol That was very interesting.....the pain got to where part of me wished Sir would take them off (it is amazing how fast the brain can work...as soon as i had that thought it was gone) but in the same thought, in order for Him to do that, i would have to stop what i was doing and i did not want to stop pleasing Him. lol i was loving what i was being allowed to do....and yes for those of you wondering, i consider cock worship (my Master's of course) to be a privilege...well any kind of body worship (massage, bathing, rubbing His feet) is a privilege in my mind. So i just let the pain absorb into my body and concentrated on giving Him pleasure. When Sir had once again used me as much as He wanted to He pulled on the chain again and had me stand up. Then Sir removed the clamps one at a time.....taking the time to rub my nipple after taking it off. Omg....it hurts more coming of than going on. lol Plus with Sir rubbing my nipple i felt the pain spread all the way through my entire breast. i was split when He took off the other one....part of me was dreading how it was going to feel while at the same time, i liked the sensations of them coming off gave me. After they were off, Sir told me that i was a good girl and that i had done a great job. This entire scene was another long one....but it was wonderful in so many ways. i got to experience the flogger i hadn't tried yet, my pain tolerance was once again pushed, which cause different emotions and thoughts. i had my first pain induced orgasm (sort of...i would have to say that the pain pushed me over the edge for sure) and even asked to be cropped harder. Stepping outside my normal behavior was different but great and even Sir seemed happily surprised that i had asked for Him to go harder with the crop. Come to think of it, He teased me a couple of times about it....which made me smile and blush. Sir used the clamps, something that we hadn't done in a while and some where in the midst of serving Him, i made the choice to not ask Him to remove the clamps.....even though they hurt, my Master's pleasure out ranked my own, no doubt. my desire to please and serve Him was so much more important to me. i was very happy that i had done a good job and that i had pleased Him. Some of the things caused conflicts of the mind or body but i must say that i enjoyed every minute of it and was smiling quite a bit afterward. Overall the entire experience was wonderful and i am a lucky slave in my opinion.

The Pleasures of Pain: Onslaught

2007-10-03T21:55:00.000-07:00

When the first swoop of the flogger hit me, i sucked in a breath with a hiss. That thing was so stingy on my ass....more so since what happened that morning. After about 30 seconds i found out how much i really wanted that to stop....so much. lol Each stroke felt like tiny bee stings on the parts of me that weren't sensitive and the places that were felt like needles were being run across them. Omg...i think that if i hadn't been so sensitive it might have felt different. After only a couple of minutes Sir stopped and pulled me to Him. He then asked how it felt and i replied that it was very stingy. He then asked me which i preferred....the flogger or the cane. i immediately said cane....the next thing i knew, Sir was once again gently pushing me against the wall and told me to take position. When i realized what He was going to do, i felt a wave of relief. There was no way the cane could be worse than the flogger at the time. Well......after the first 2 strokes i was wishing for the flogger again. lol The strikes echoed throughout my entire body, and with the third cane stroke i was flush against the wall. But Sir pushed me hard and fast...instead of giving me time to re-center my self i received an additional 2 strikes...while against the wall. Oh goodness that was different. The two stroke were sooo fast and hard and i had a small urge to yell...but it still felt so good. Go figure. lol But at the same time....i felt that emotional bridge falling down again. As i stood there hopping from foot to foot, praying that my Master was done, Sir gave me specific instructions. His tone of voice was soft and very stern which brought out in me instant obedience. He told me "I am going to give you three more and you are to count each one....present yourself and don't you dare move at all" As i am sure some of you know, it is amazing in how One can sound so stern and bring you into a state of unthinking obedience yet some place inside you turns into a big pile of aroused goo. So needless to say, my arousal level went up a bit. When i heard Him speak those words, i slowly put my hands on the wall and braced myself...not physically, but mentally. i knew about how much it was going to hurt so this way i could try to find a way to work through the pain. As stroke one fell, the words "one Sir" came out quickly and with each stroke my response was slower and slower. After number three had been given, i took a deep breath and right at that moment, Sir gave me a forth! "Ooowww... 4 Sir." Broken words....i was again being brought to the edge of my tolerance for pain. After that, Sir and i cuddled for a quick moment and then i found myself on all fours on His bed again. i am not sure if i heard it first or felt it first....but Sir had brought out the crop and struck one of the most tender spots i had (or at least it felt like it) hard and quick. my hands automatically grabbed His comforter as i made a squeak of pain.

The Pleasures of Pain

2007-10-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

As our day came to an end, Sir and i went out to dinner. Afterwards Sir had the idea of going out for ice cream and i asked if i may bake Him some cookies instead....i love cooking or baking for Sir and was very happy when He gave me permission to do so. When we got into the house i started to make Him His cookies while He did other things around the house. When the cookies were done i asked Sir if i may please use the restroom....He gave permission and since i had to remove all of my clothing before i may use the bathroom and i was in Sir's house, i asked Sir if i may just stay naked for Him. It was getting a bit late and we went to go take a shower. The next thing i knew Sir told me to go and kneel in the shower which means only one thing....that Sir wanted to pee on me or to put it a more eloquent way, He wanted to travel further with our exploration of golden showers. The term golden showers is a term i am comfortable with.....although saying that He desires to pee on me or in my mouth is accurate, hearing it in such a blunt manner makes me feel funny. Kind of the same way saying cu*t for the first time did. Back to what happened. i knelt in the shower, wondering if this time Sir would have me open my mouth.....i am always a little nervous...not knowing exactly what Sir would ask me to do. As He approached the shower i couldn't stop the slight tremor running through my body as He pulled His cock out. He complained that peeing is difficult to do if He is getting hard, but i must admit that there was that hint of eroticism that left me feeling aroused in the middle of the submissive mindset that occurs every time as well. As He started to pee i took in a deep breath, closed my eyes and let myself relax. i open my mouth just a tiny bit....just enough for a little bit to get through but that was it. After Sir had finished, He helped me get the shower on, nice and warm and then He undressed and got in as well. One of the reasons i love being in the shower with Sir is because i have a very good chance of being able to bathe Him. There is something about being able to run my soapy hands down His body with care that fills a different aspect of my servitude to Him that i adore. i love being allowed to pay such rapt attention to His body....checking every curve and spot to make sure it has been properly washed makes my slave self go all fuzzy and warm inside. After showering, He and i both dried off and i was allowed to get ready for the night. (i.e. brush my teeth, brush my hair ect.) After Sir left the bathroom i finished up and then walked out to the hallway. i turned off the light to the bathroom and gently went to my knees to crawl into His bedroom. Every time as i am crawling to his bedroom, i sink into a wonderful state of submissiveness. By the time i actually get into His room and by His bed to go into pos. 6 it feels like heaven to be kneeling by His feet. Normally Sir does not keep me there for long, but this time He allowed me to stay there for a couple of minutes. When He told me stand up, i figured that He was going to tell me to get into bed, but my Master had other plans this night. He gently pushed me towards the wall and quietly told me to position myself. His voice, albeit quiet and kind, sent shivers through my body....commanding, one that was not giving options yet with a hint of seduction in it. (at least i think so lol) As i have said before, there are different tones to Sir's voice and that i react to them very much. Before i was against the wall though, i was able to take a glimpse of what was in His hand.....it was the flogger He had never used before, the one He said would sting quite a bit. my ass was pretty sore from what happened that morning but i honestly felt as though it wouldn't be too bad. After the first couple of strokes i discovered how wrong i was....

Sour Grapes

2007-09-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

After Sir and i had woken up (again..lol) the rain had let up and Sir decided that He wanted to go to a friends house to visit. Now Sir and i have been or have met up with His friends before, but this particular person and everyone there, were completely vanilla and they did not know of Sir's lifestyle. Not that He was my Master, or i His slave, to them i was just a friend of His visiting for a couple of days. This did not bother me at all....what did set me a little of balance and made me a bit nervous was the fact that i was going to have to suppress every single natural and trained response i have. Also, if i absolutely had to, i was to address Him as W. In this situation this was easier to do than the time Sir had me call Him by His name over the phone....this time it was because of the situation i was in....sort of like when i have had to call the airline for Him. my brain just made the adjustment. When we approached His friend's house and saw other people outside that we did not know, i thought that it would be interesting to see how i did. As we were introduced to everyone there i became a little more relaxed and just spoke to people. i was still very quiet though, a natural response to being around strangers. As the conversations around me flew, i was grateful that not many people seemed interested in speaking to me. The people around us were talking about travel and such and i heard some rather interesting stories. Overall it was a wonderful time. However, since i could not serve Sir in the manner in which i was used to, i instead looked at His glass of wine to see if it needed to be filled and when He got something to eat, i got His plate for Him. One time i called Him Sir, although He did not hear me, which means no one else did either, something for which i was grateful. During the conversations, there were a couple of dogs around and one seemed to take a liking to Sir. i found myself envying the dog in between His legs, wishing i could be there instead. Not because i wish i was dog but rather because i am used to being a able to lean against Sir or be near Him when i am nervous. After the conversation had dwindled and most people left, Sir's friend took us on a little tour of the vineyard and i got to speak with his wife. she asked SO many questions, questions in which i had to answer carefully but in the end it turned out okay. The whole vanilla event was trying in some ways...not being able to address my Master as Sir, or be able to serve Him as i love to, was a little hard. That and going from a very intense scene and M/s cuddle time to a complete vanilla setting was a huge contrast in a short span of time. But even in the midst of having to act completely vanilla, i still served Sir in may ways. By following His instructions alone was a way that i served Him and i am happy that i was able to do so. Yet another different, interesting aspect of the weekend.

Intensity: Breached

2007-09-29T00:25:00.000-07:00

As i felt the coolness of the cane oh so very gently touch the back of my thighs, it took me a moment to fully realize what it was. After the omg shock had worn off, i was hit with a nice dose of eroticism. Actually, i was hit with a myriad of emotions. The smoothness of the cane, how cool it felt against my heated thighs and how slowly my Master moved it back and forth across them made me very aroused. Then there was a part of me that knew how much the cane could hurt....how much it probably would hurt. Ohhh...it was hard....part of me wanted the caning so bad i could almost taste it while the other part of me was so apprehensive. That part of me would have been okay with Sir not giving me the caning.....part of me was a little panicked. i was being pushed and i knew (by this time) that i was going to be pushed even farther. As fast as that emotion hit, it was gone. Very similar to the first time Sir tied me up. my submission to Sir calmed me.....don't get me wrong i was still plenty nervous. lol It is just that i also knew that He was there, watching over me and that He was going to be there afterward. All of these emotions went through in the span of a minute or less. When i felt the cane leave my body, i tensed up. It wasn't that i was trying to...it just happened. Well i relaxed immediately and then i felt the cane hit my thighs. A hard and quick whack that might have made my knees buckle if i was standing. Sir probably didn't hit me as hard as it felt but by this time, i was sooo sensitive and getting sore. With each cane stroke, my body would lean onto the bed, seeking solace from the cane strokes and then back up again as i have been trained to do. But oh goodness it got so hard to do. i was at the point where each cane stroke would blend into the next and it seemed never ending. my whole ass was on fire and i was starting to dread each cane stroke. The thoughts that were running through my head were various ones. Going from, "oh please no more" to "the only reason why i am doing this is because this is something my Master wants" to "i am Your slave Sir". As the caning continued, i felt myself getting closer and closer to that emotional edge. Sir told me "it is okay for you to cry" but for some reason, the first time He said it, it kind of flew over my head. However, with my forehead against His comforter, body slightly shaking, He struck again with quite a bit of force. i let out a choked cry and tried to push away the tears. i wanted to cry because it hurt, i wanted to cry because even though it hurt, i wanted to hurt for Him, i wanted to please Him even though what was happening was difficult. Sir stopped for just a second and said to me in such a gentle yet firm voice, "let go baby, it's okay for you to cry" The tears started to gather in my eyes, He gave a couple more strokes and by the time He had put the cane up the tears had started to fall. Sir sat on the bed and drew me to Him, putting my head in His lap and gently stroking my hair. He spoke from time to time, saying that it was okay to let it out and that He was there. The tears i cried weren't big heaving sobs and they didn't last more than a couple of minutes but they were there. (In the past, normally only a tear (maybe two) would come out and then i would compose myself. Tearing down walls isn't easy to do.)The comfort He gave me, while my emotions were a little haywire and my body still in pain was amazing. i felt open and exposed to Sir and i loved it. Even though getting there was hard, crying for Sir felt right and okay to do. Once i stopped fighting the tears it wasn't that hard and it happened naturally. (amazing what the mind can do) After i had composed myself, Sir had me re-dress....hot body and a slightly chilled house makes for a bad mix sometimes. Well we went into His living room and chatted for a few minutes and then Sir grabbed a blanket, laid down on the couch and pulled me down to Him. It was still raining outside as we laid side by side on His couch.....i fell asleep in His arms....feeling calm, cherished and so happy knowing that i had pleased Him. Such an interesting, wonderful morning.

Intensity: Pushed

2007-09-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

i jumped when the crop hit my ass....it only stung a little, but it definitely surprised me. Even though i had laid on His bed limp and warm, i was still fully out of the sub space the spanking had put me in. After that initial stroke, i relaxed back into the comforter and Sir resumed hitting me with the crop. Just as He did with the spanking, Sir went harder, faster. my ass was sensitive from the spanking and i know i was squirming and cringing. Each slap stung more than the last...i was not used to Sir pushing me this hard. In the past, most of the scenes haven't been very long but this was proving to be longer than i was used to. As i tried to relax and breath through each one, finding subspace was harder to do than usual. Sir had to tell me to breath and relax a couple of times....He could tell i was struggling a bit. At the sound of His voice, something in me would relax.....my brain would latch onto His voice and i would follow His instructions to breath. But there were a couple slaps with the crop that made me grit my teeth....my ass was starting to really sting in a couple of places and when He hit those spots just right i thought i was going to jump off the bed. lol i was split in two...part of me loved it and the other part was wondering when it would end. Within a few minutes though i was back into sub-space...floating on all the sensations of the crop slapping roughly against my now very sensitive flesh. After i had fallen again into sub-space Sir pulled out the vibe and brushed it against my clit, teasing me and making my arousal jump up. The vibe pulled me out of sub-space and i started...well not yelling but perhaps squealing loudly. lol With the re-introduction of high arousal, my head was spinning. Spanking, sub-space, arousal, crop, sub-space, arousal.....things were going slowly yet too fast for me to adjust quickly. i was kneeling on my knees, like in pos.6...which seemed to intensify the situation and all the sensations with the vibe. Again, i got lost in what Sir was having me feel.......when Sir turned off the vibe and told me not to move, my eyes were almost rolling back into my head. i heard Sir once again walk around the bed and i honestly thought that He was done....that He had used me as much as He wanted to and was just going to let me stay there and relax. However, i felt the cool hardness of the cane on the back on my thighs and my eyes snapped open. Very slowly and gently Sir ran the cane against my heated thighs and all i could think was "oh......my.......god" as a shiver ran through my body.

Intensity: The beginning

2007-09-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

It was raining. We woke up and it was raining. Even the weather decided this visit should be different than all the rest. lol i got up and made coffee for Sir and i. When i returned to His room, Sir had me get His pajamas and then instructed me to wear some of His since it was cold inside the house. i love wearing His pjs...almost as much as i love being naked around Him. His pjs smell like Him and they swim on me....we are both in good shape but i am much shorter than He. Well we made our way into the living area where Sir hopped onto the computer and i brought Him His coffee. He scooted back and told me to sit down on the chair between His legs. After i sat down He wrapped a big blanket over our legs and i got to snuggle with Sir. i love that...the feel of His strong body, the warmth He emits, the fact that if He leaned forward enough i could feel His breath against my neck and sometimes His hands would snake around my waist. All of that makes my soft, mushy, very feminine side come out. Well we messed around online for a bit and then Sir decided to get up, we made some breakfast and chatted for a few minutes. i can't honestly say how we ended up in His room.... probably because i remember everything else with such clarity. What i do remember is that Sir had me get undressed and He had me crawl over His lap for a spanking. A tremor of excitement ran through me when He had me crawl up to Him....Sir has this wonderful method of changing where He smacks, varying the strength and speed of His hand on my ass that drives me crazy, but in a wonderful way. He started out a little harder than usual and i found myself having to breath through each one at first. The He started to go even harder....and faster than He usually does. Normally He starts out going pretty soft until my ass is nice and warm before He goes any harder but this time was different. i wasn't completely warmed up just yet and i had to adjust as fast as i could to the unexpected tempo. i remember falling into sub-space and just relaxing with each stroke as though it was a massage. i remember Him spreading my legs (well as far as they could go since Sir was sitting close to the edge of His bed) and i didn't really think anything of it....well i wasn't thinking much at all by that time. lol Sir started rubbing my clit, slowly and gently and i just responded to it. Still half-way in sub-space, i was moving my hips and making little sounds in the back of my throat in response to Sir's hand on and in my cu*t. i raised my hips to help Him have better access and i reveled in what He was doing and oh goodness it felt so good. As i melted against His hand and just let myself grind and moan i became blissfully unaware of anything else. Then Sir stopped and raised me off His lap and left me laying face down on His bed. While i laid there limp and warm i heard Him go to His closet....what He did next surprised me very much. The next thing i felt........ was the slap of the crop hard against my ass.

Jeans

2007-09-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

"What would You like for me to wear on the plane Sir?" i asked, waiting to hear the usual short skirt or dress reply. "Wear your jeans and a nice top" Sir said. "Whaaaaat? Huh? Jeans....no skirt? Why? i don't understand....jeans? Okay...jeans it is....think of a nice top that will go well with jeans...." That is what i was thinking after Sir told me to wear jeans instead of a skirt or dress onto the plane. Now, although i am sure you don't know, every time i have gone to see Sir i have been instructed to wear a skirt or dress. It is the norm and in a way, a routine. So Sir telling me to wear jeans had me very confused. lol i know that it is only a piece of clothing, nothing major really, but it had effectively swung me off balance and added to my nervousness and anticipation. Amazing what the small stuff can do. i think that because it is out the routine i am used to is why i found myself turning the idea around in my head. i asked Sir why He wanted me to wear jeans and His only reply was "Because I want you to." Very calmly spoken, with a hint of a smile in His voice. i am pretty sure He heard and felt my confusion. Fast forwarding a bit.... By the time i stepped off the plane however, i wasn't worried about it and had just accepted it for what it was. Sir wanted me to wear pants, simple as that. After Sir had picked me up, i got big hugs and a kiss and off we went out the airport. When we got to His truck, Sir opened the door and before i could get in, He told me to take off my pants. my only reaction was "huh??' lol. To cover my shock, i asked Sir if i may please take off my shoes first and He gave me permission. Now taking of a skirt or dress can be done very quickly....but taking off pants....that takes a little bit longer. Probably only about 5 more seconds but 5 seconds can feel like a long time when you are bent over in public with your ass and cu*t showing to the whole world....or in my case, the whole parking lot. lol i calmly took off my pants (well as calmly as i could anyways) Sir was grinning and i got into the truck. He did have me cover my legs with my jacket before we left though and i thought that was rather nice of Him. As we got onto the highway Sir had me remove the jacket and spread my legs a little wider than they already were...which made me giggle on the outside and made my anticipation level rise on the inside. Sir started to play with me, switching between rubbing my clit and fingering my cu*t. Omg....at first i was very nervous about Him doing that....although i am an exhibitionist, i still get nervous about stuff like that. But in a couple of minutes, i just kind of let go and felt all the sensations Sir was giving me.....an example of me using my submission to completely relax even when i felt a little nervous.....in fact, i think the chance of being caught actually raised my arousal a bit. Within a few minutes, i was moving around, moaning, grinding......here is where my submission to Sir also allows me the freedom to be His slut and not feel any shame in doing so. (i actually did that quite a bit this visit) i am allowed to thoroughly enjoy whatever He does to me, my arousal is a result of His attentions. The only thing that i was really focusing on was Sir and the feel of His hand, the sound of His voice and just His presence really. By the time He was done using me to the extent that He wanted to i was about half out of mind with arousal and desire. When we got to where we were going, Sir had me put my pants back on and we soon headed back to His home. Overall a very interesting and fun way to kick off the weekend. The whole visit was different in many ways and Sir greatly (at least i think so) expanded upon many of the things we have done in the past. He pushed my submission, my limits and my tolerance for erotic pain. Some of it was hard to do, yet there were many "rewards" as well and i even learned something new about myself during this visit. Lots of fun and i will write more soon.

Poll

2007-09-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago Sir gave me an addition to my nightly ritual to masturbate after my meditation. This was done so that i may learn my body and my orgasm triggers. Although i am not going to go into detail, i will say that i have learned quite a bit about myself although i know that i am still learning. Because of this, i am putting up 3 polls to hopefully gain some insight to how other female submissives are with climax. Now since i am sure there are many subs who need to ask permission to cum, these poll questions are written with the assumption that the sub has been given permission to cum by their Dom/me. Since i won't be writing for a few days, i figured that i would leave something fun for everyone to do, until i get back. i hope everyone has fun with the polls and i will write again soon.

Back to Sir

2007-09-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

i am going to go and see Sir again very soon and i can hardly wait!! This visit is looking to be very interesting indeed. lol Sir has not been too specific and i think that is adding to my anticipation and well....nervousness. Nervousness in a good way i think. What i do know what will happen this visit is this. Sir has told me that He is having strong thoughts on this visit being an intense M/s weekend....more adherence to protocol and such. Sir has also informed me that He will be doing more complicated and challenging bondage, more predicament bondage, continuing with the golden showers training, going through my positions, exploring with more stingy erotic pain (from the flogger He hasn't used on me yet and the cane) and more photography. Wow....what a list. lol Gives a slave a lot to think about. lol When it comes to more challenging bondage scenarios, i am really excited about doing that albeit a little nervous. As i have said before, i love bondage and it is arousing for me but at the same time i have no clue what Sir will do when He gets me that way. Nor in this situation do i know what type of ties He will be doing or for how long. With the golden showers training, Sir has plans to directly piss in my mouth and let it run out so i don't have to swallow....yet. lol Even though this is something that does make me a bit nervous it is also something i know i am ready for. With the flogger....well it is one that Sir hasn't used on me yet. From what He tells me it has a much more stingy effect than His other two as well as He using the cane. i think the only way to describe what i am feeling is nervous anticipation....quite a bit actually. The past few visits, i kinda already knew about how many cane strokes i was going to receive but with this visit i don't. With the photography..again with i have no idea what Sir has planned, although i can say that all of the pictures He has taken have been tasteful, pretty and erotic. So no worries there really. As for my positions....well let me just say that i cannot wait to do them for Sir. i have said many times that i love the feeling of submission doing them for Sir gives me and i love knowing that the way i am positioned pleases Him very much. So much subbie goodness with that happening. There have been quite a few times that Sir has either told me what was going to happen or sent me a list of some sort and every time i have gotten one my heart rate would speed up a bit imagining how it was going to be. i had time to wrap my head around some of the things that He had listed (like with golden showers and the chamber pot) This time i have a list but it is vague, leaving me feeling nervous, excited, very curious and wondering what will happen. Overall i am excited yet a little nervous about this trip....a definite feeling of anticipation. lol Sir also has plans for us to go out and watch a movie and possibly a couple of other things. i am truly looking forward to that as well....just spending time in the company of my Master doing vanilla things is something that i have come to cherish and look forward to in between of all the BDSM activities Sir likes to do. One aspect of this visit that i am looking forward to is the fact that Sir has decided that it will be just Him and i this weekend. As much as we love hanging around our friends, i agree with Sir when He says some private time is in order. To be honest, it has been a while since Sir and i had a quiet weekend with just the two of us. Of all the things i am looking forward to this weekend i think one of the things i am really looking forward to is the simple act of hopping off the plane and into His arms yet again. The simple things in life are usually the best and His hugs are definitely high on the list.

Long Distance Dynamic

2007-09-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

i know it has been a few days since i have written, but i have been waiting for inspiration to hit. There were a few things that i had an idea to write about, but thinking it and writing it are two different things. It was a conversation with a sub that gave me an idea. As i am sure a lot of you have been wondering, how do Sir and i make a long distance dynamic work? i get that question from subs all the time. lol Most people would simply say, hard work, communication and honesty. That is all very true and important. A few people may mention words such as dedication and patience. That is very true also. i think (for me anyways) what it boils down to is the connection we have in our dynamic and desire. The strength of my submission when we are apart is really measured by me doing my daily tasks and rituals, every single day. The connection we have i do not think can be measured, only felt. Others have caught a glimpse of our interaction with each other but not many. If we did not have that connection, i do not think our dynamic would work, let alone last. Now to desire....yes physical desire is a part of our dynamic, but the desire that i am speaking of is the desire to serve and please my Master. i have said plenty of times that i have no desire to interact with other Doms unless instructed to by Sir and i still mean that fully. If i didn't have that drive, that desire, i don't think our dynamic wouldn't really be what it is. Although it is very hard at times to live so far away from Him, it is very interesting and always intense in a certain way when i do get to see Him. When we are apart, my submission is a part of my world (here) with about one hundred other things. It is the balance in my vanilla life that is maintained. However, when i step onto the plane, 99% of my world here fades away and instead of my world revolving around everything at once, my world revolves around Sir and our dynamic. i love to serve Sir very much and sometimes it takes me a day or two to get back into "the groove" of my home, work and personal life. At first this was a little hard, switching my mindset back and forth but it has gotten much easier to do. If anything, when i am sad to leave, i look back and reflect on my visit with Sir and look forward to the next. Being long distance is not easy, there are times i wish i could just ask Him for permission to simply drive over and i know it isn't always easy on Sir either. But with a lot of communication on both our parts, it isn't as hard as i know it could be. i think i am very lucky, even though i may not live close to Sir, He always tries to get me down there to see Him as often as possible...which is actually quite often considering how far away we are from each other and the fact that we both work and such. But even though it isn't always easy, the joy i get from knowing i am His, that feeling of "right" i get from being allowed to serve and please Him and the never ending desire to have my submission used, stretched and strengthened by Sir makes it worth it, every single day. So i guess really what i am saying is the way Sir and i make a long distance dynamic work is....well....because we make it work. Even if it is hard at times, it is again, (for me) so very worth, every single minute.

Strokes

2007-09-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

This is an entry of a different type. This is an entry about the 110 cane strokes i earned and how it also wound up pushing my Master's boundaries as well. This all started with the length of time between our visits and my horrendous habit of putting my nails into my mouth. Well Sir saw to correct this by having me write Him everyday and telling Him how many times i did. Each time i put my nails into my mouth counted as one cane stroke. By the time i finally stopped putting my nails into my mouth, i had earned 110 cane strokes. Sir decided to split up the number in between the number of days of my visit....one time Sir joked about giving them to me all at once and i about went in to shock...lol. Lots of nervous giggles with that suggestion. Day one went rather well with me receiving 20-25 cane strokes and by day three i had received about 70 cane strokes. Well i am sure you can imagine the amount of bruises i had, all of them ranging from the top of my ass to the back of my thighs. On Friday though, Sir informed me while we were out at dinner that i would not be receiving any cane strokes that night. i was a bit confused at first but Sir explained to me that He had pushed one of His own limits the night before while caning me. To sum it up, with all the bruises i had and the increased sensitivity, He was pushing me beyond the realm of erotic pain which hit on His own limit of Sadism. In some ways i felt mixed about that. i was very honored to serve Him in that manner while at the same time, i was briefly worried about Him being uncomfortable doing so. But i also knew that Sir would draw the line where He saw fit and that He wasn't going to do what He didn't want to. That made me feel better so i was just left with the happy feeling of being there the way Sir wanted me to be, which is something that i greatly desired to do. To be there for His use if and when Sir decided to push His own limits or explore them to a greater depth. i was right with these thoughts because only one day was missed and the very next day Sir gave me an additional 20 strokes. Sir had once asked me to define being a slave. i told Him the best thing i could give Him by being His slave would be the opportunity to allow Him to explore his own boundaries. i am made very happy and honored that i was able to do so.

Also on the subject of canings, Sir and i also tried a different position...instead of me bracing myself against the wall, i was laying on Sir's bed. i must admit that it did feel different....it hurt more or at least it seemed like it. i think it may have to do with when your muscles are tightened, impacts sometimes are not felt as much vs when the muscles are relaxed. At least i think that may be it anyways. lol After about 3 or 4 cane strokes i missed being against the wall....i couldn't really move or jump since i was laying flat and all i could do was clutch His comforter. It was still rather fun and interesting to experience caning in a different position. Although, still, i think i prefer the wall to be honest. Again, with this visit i was able to open up and express to Sir when something hurt instead of me remaining silent the whole time. Sir gave me a choice one time between the bed or the wall......Sir has told me that i am not good at answering multiple choice questions and sure enough that time wasn't any different. lol So Sir made up my mind for me and had me brace myself against the wall. By the time Sir was about done caning me that time however, i think i may have started to fall into sub-space because i can't remember making much noise or moving that much....at least at the end of the caning. lol Overall i received 90 of my 110 strokes with the cane and Sir said that was close enough.
The canings i earned turned out to be an experience for both my Master and i. i was broken of the bad habit of nail biting and more importantly (in my opinion) Sir decided to push His own limits. Who knows what will be learned in the future?

Dinner at M and k's Part 3

2007-09-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

OK...now the final entry. lol How the subject came up i am not sure really but k came out holding a strap on with a purple dildo attached. i will admit i was very intrigued and actually held it for a moment or two. Then Sir decided that i should try it on. Omg...i hopped from foot to foot once i recovered from shock. lol i was so nervous and for some reason my mind was in a state of denial....that whole..i know this isn't happening....i can't believe this is happening....oh goodness this really IS happening- thing. lol i was wide eyed and giggling like crazy as k helped me put it on.....after she had tightened it so it wouldn't fall off, i looked down......and laughed. i couldn't help it....for some reason seeing a dildo protruding from my body did not look right and i found it rather funny. Sir even got a couple of pics that are SO funny to look at. lol i kept looking down and looking up while Sir, M and even k got a good laugh at my disbelief. After a few minutes i adjusted (somewhat) and was able to look down without giggling. Well then (because of my nervousness, i think) i got a little cocky (no pun intended) and brave and joked to k how i would like to fu*k her with it. That was sheer bravado on my part....not seriously meant....well not wholly serious anyways. What can i say....i was a little curious. lol Sir told me later that He was surprised that i said that....surprised and pleased at the same time. Well...M told k to let me fu*k her....right in front of both of Them!! When k went to the bathroom and my smile quickly turned into a wide eyed look of "Omg this is SO not happening right now" i tried to explain to Sir that i was just joking...i didn't mean it. i will admit i was pleading...but Sir was smiling. He asked me if i was backing down on something i said i would do. That put a little starch in my spine, but not enough. lol Had i been given the choice, i wouldn't have done it to be honest. k came out of the bathroom and soon i saw what she was carrying.....lube. k rubbed the lube on the dildo and i think i squealed....lol Sir and M settled back to enjoy the show as i knelt behind k. i was in total shock for the third time that night. All i could think was "Omg....i'm behind k...with a strap on on...and Sir and M are watching....i have NO idea what i am doing.....what i am supposed to do with THIS?? Oh god....there's lube on the dildo.....i can't believe i am going to do this.....please don't let me suck at this" lol i am not sure where that last thought came from.......probably that inherent desire to do something well. As i started to fu*k k, it seemed like she was enjoying herself and i found myself having fun as well. i must admit, knowing that Sir was like, two feet away, watching did hit an erotic point with me. After a few minutes of experimenting with various speeds and strength, Sir got behind me with a crop!! i loved that and i think k did as well. i had my hand in her hair and every time Sir would strike me with the crop i would end up thrusting forward harder and pulling her hair rougher. The whole thing felt a little surreal....although i suppose if you are doing something you have never done before and it pushes your boundaries i suppose that that is understandable. After all was said and done i asked Sir for permission to take it off and i was relieved to have it off to be honest. Fu*king k with the strap-on was something i definitely would not have done on my own volition...i am way too shy and that was a boundary i had not even touched on before. Doing it because Sir told me to was a completely different matter. i had lots of fun but still..again with the shyness factor. Doing something like this made me pull on my submission greatly......fu*king k, albeit fun, forced me to move beyond my shyness, beyond my normal realm of behavior. Not only was i pushed past my boundaries and comfort level, i did so with someone other than Sir watching. Eeeek! lol i look back at that night and i smile...so many new things and the entire night was very fun. With my new knowledge i can't help but admire Sir's endurance (and coordination) whenever He fu*ks me, knowing now what it is like to have a cock, even fake, is definitely tiring and a lot harder than it looks. The good news is that it really is a good workout for your abs. lol Overall the entire evening was amazing...Sir had me do things i have never done before, like being flogged by k, falling into subspace in front of others and not only putting on a strap-on but using it as well. my submission to Sir was greatly used in different ways and the fact that i had pleased Him made my night. i think i have learned not to joke about doing something unless i'm ready to follow through. lol Amazing what one can learn and experience in one evening.

Dinner with M & k part 2

2007-09-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well continuing from my last entry, this is more of the night at M and k's house. Soon after my birthday spanking, we were all talking about different type of toys and implements and M and k said that k had bought a flogger made of rubber. i was interested in it when k told me that it had a thuddy and stingy sensation to it. i thought that that was interesting since "stingy" sensations usually make me aroused and "thuddy" ones send me into subspace rather easily. Well M went into the dungeon and got it out and showed it to Sir and i. i actually held it and i was a little surprised at how heavy it was. i suppose that is because it was made out of rubber and had wide straps. M was joking around and said something to the effect of how tired He was from having to go all the way into the dungeon to get the flogger and i looked at Him and said (smiling) "aww and that was SO hard". The look on Sir's and M's face was priceless for about a split second and then i seriously thought i was dead. Sir had the look of shock and not the funny kind either....more like a what-the-hell-did-you-just-say kind of look while M's mouth hit the floor. These are an explanation of the thoughts that coursed through my head in the ohhh, about 10 seconds, of silence. Looking at Sir i had that feeling of dread come over me....i KNEW i had just over-stepped my bounds...the fact that the wine had gone to my head was no excuse, in fact, i shouldn't have even drank that much if i knew that was how i was going to react. i had just gone against the training Sir had given me and i thought for sure that i was going to get a major punishment. i was already saying sorry in my head but i think i was in just as much shock as Sir and M were. i couldn't believe that i had just said that myself! Then....M started to laugh and Sir smiled and perhaps it was just my imagination, but i could have sworn there was a look of warning on my Master's face. i am pretty sure that if i had said that in ANY other situation or if Sir wasn't feeling gracious, understanding and forgiving, i would have been punished. As it was, i was feeling a great amount of relief of not being punished, but i did watch what i said the rest of the night. This is why i do not drink and why i plan on not doing so again. Well the tension in the room dissolved and everyone settled back into a relaxed rapport. It was then that Sir decided to let k flog me....another first. Considering how big that thing is i wasn't sure how it would go. k had me put my hands on the back of another couch in the living room and stick my ass out, legs spread (not too much) with my head down. As k was flogging me, the flogger hit my lower back, hips, ass, thighs and one time it somehow wrapped around and hit my cu*t!! Owwww. lol k apologized for that and i took a deep breath and settled back into position. i will say that k was right though, it does have a wonderful thuddy yet stingy effect. After a minute or two, Sir took the flogger from k, told me to present myself and gave me a rather hard flogging. Ohhhh.....i loved it. The sting was rather nice and as always with Sir, i fell into that submissive mindset that only Sir can bring out in me. The connection Sir and i have, the dynamic that we have makes me respond differently to Him, the mindset is different which, i think, effects what is happening. That may not have made sense, so i will try my best to say what k did. she said that when Sir was flogging me, she couldn't see His face but that she could feel the difference with how i responded to Him. The intensity was amped up a little bit and she said that she could see the difference in His stance as He continued to flog me. she could tell that i was focused on Sir and He was focused on me. i think this has to do with what Sir said one time about how we feed off each other but i thought that k seeing the difference in my interaction with her vs my interaction with Sir was pretty cool. As k and i spoke she said that she thought that that was pretty cool as well. At one point and time Sir stopped, pulled me up and asked if i was close (or in, i can't really remember for sure) to subspace and i said yes and even asked Him if i may please go back. lol M and k laughed and Sir responded by pushing me back into position onto the couch and resumed flogging me. For the second time that night, i fell into subspace in front of M and k. When Sir was done, He helped me stand back up and guided me back to the couch that M and k were seated next to. Sir sat down on the couch and i sat back at His feet. Then for a reason i didn't understand at the moment, i started to shake. It wasn't constant or anything, more like my body would tense up every few seconds and i would shake. Sir asked M and k for a blanket and i tried to say that i was fine but Sir wasn't hearing any of that. That was one of those times when i became acutely aware of Sir caring for me and knowing what is best for me. So Sir wrapped me up in the blanket and as i laid my head against His legs, He again started to stroke my hair in that way that automatically calms and centers me. i said something about my shaking was coming from the fact that parts of my body were really warm and Sir said that it probably was also because my endorphins were dropping as well. i didn't know that could happen so i learned something new. lol Overall the night was turning out to be very interesting and fun. It looks like i am headed for a third installment of the evening at M and k's house because another huge first occurred....something do to with a strap-on. Oohh boy, that was interesting but i think i will leave it at that for now though......

A B'day Spanking with M & k

2007-09-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

This entry is about the night Sir and i went to M and k's house for dinner. However, dinner was not the only thing that occurred. But i am getting ahead of myself once again, so let me start at the beginning. Sir and i had made plans with M and k a few weeks earlier and it was something that all of us were looking forward to. Sir and i have never been to their house and let me say the decor was beautiful. It was like walking into a harem, i kid you not. Very colorful and beautiful and themed. After k had given the tour around the house, the bottle of wine Sir had brought was opened as well as another bottle of wine that M and k had. Sir prefers reds, k prefers white and M likes certain brands of beer. So it was a pretty even mix. We all sat around talking for a bit and k went into the kitchen and i asked Sir for permission to help k if she needed it. He gave permission so i went and offered help as well as had a few minutes of "girl" talk. k noticed my new collar the moment i walked in the door and new what it meant, but now she was able to get a closer look. she loved it and said it was very beautiful and asked me a few questions which had me giggling. It would seem k already has the ability to ask those sorts of question that push my shyness button. lol So she and i brought out the appetizers while everything was still cooking. she sat on the floor next to M and since Sir was on the couch, i took my place on the floor next to His feet. After eating and more conversation i helped k bring out dinner and more conversation ensued. Well after dinner had been cleared away, Sir told me to stand up and told me to strip. lol Part of me was not surprised. So i stripped and in a short period of time i had been told to crawl around. Actually crawled into M and k's dungeon (cold hard floors- lol) and got into a discussion about positions so Sir had me do a few including one that k was describing. At one point in time Sir had me go and sit next to k, where i got to play with M and k's masochist cat. lol That cat loves to be spanked...go figure. The last time Sir had me go and sit next to k i felt a little weird about it...not in a bad way it was just really different than sitting next to Sir. Well this time when Sir told me to go and sit next to k, i didn't feel uncomfortable or weird about it....k is someone i consider a friend so there was none of the this-is-a-bit-odd feeling like last time. Well the comment that my visit was also in celebration of my birthday came up and k asked me what i had wanted for my birthday. i looked at Sir and simply asked "Sir, may i?" Sir said to go ahead so i looked at k and said, "you to get naked" lol i then made the comment that i didn't want to be the only one naked..and i think every one got a laugh out of that. Well M told k to go ahead and strip, so i got to see k naked. Yay me! After she had stripped, Sir brought up my birthday spanking and said that He had the idea that M and k help Him with that by everyone giving me 8 whacks each for a total of 24. i got a bit nervous with that and asked Sir if i may please have a glass of wine before this happens. That was the first time i have ever drunk wine that quickly but i am pretty sure that Sir knew how nervous i was....this was the first time that i would be spanked by someone other than Him. Someone made the comment about how hard to spank me and k said something to the effect that she could spank me hard enough for me to definitely feel it. i responded by saying that she could try. lol Omg, the wine went to my head and i think i started to develop foot in mouth syndrome. Well Sir looked at little shocked as well as M and k...although i think all of us laughed a little at my impromptu challenge of sorts. k brought out this round footstool and had me lay over is so my head was over the edge on one side and at the other side my ass was at a pretty nice angle. i was instructed to count (out loud) each smack and thus i received my first spanking from someone other than Sir. The spanking k gave me wasn't too bad and she started to go a bit harder at the end of the spanking. Then M was up and i tensed up for just a second before relaxing.....my mind seems to greatly distinguish the difference between a female spanking me vs a male spanking. M did spank me harder than k did though and when He was done i will admit that my ass was rather warm. lol After i received my spanking from M, Sir instructed me to crawl to Him (He was sitting on the couch) and over His lap for the rest of my birthday spanking. i love placing myself over Sir's lap for His use.... doing so in front of M and k actually didn't feel weird. The instant Sir gave me His instructions, it was almost like M and k faded away..sort of. i knew that they were there and intently watching, but my mind was focused on Sir. i laid down across His lap and, like last time, Sir went as hard as He knew i could handle. Which, to be honest, was quite a bit harder than M or k went. Even k later told me that she was like, "wow", (in a good way) with how hard Sir spanked me. Well i was in one of my favorite places (maybe i should make a list lol) with Sir doing something He and i both enjoy very very much and as with M and k, i had to count each stroke. Around stroke 6 or 7 i felt that calmness of sub-space come over me...but i did manage to say the remaining smacks before i sunk into subspace. i remember Sir smacking my ass and the back of my thighs and k saying how relaxed i was (or something like that) as Sir continued to spank me. i loved every minute of it. After He was done He ran His hands over me a couple of times and petted my hair. i slowly came out of sub-space still in Sir's lap, grinning and making the comment of how hot my ass was. lol So far dinner at M and k's was very fun and the evening (in some ways) had just started. The rest of this will be in part 2 and i promise to write soon.

slave collar

2007-08-31T13:19:00.000-07:00

Since i know that this is something that everyone is wanting to read and i want to write about it so badly, here goes. As you all know by now, i am now officially Sir's slave. Mmmm....i love that. lol How this came about was not done in an elaborate ceremony, but rather in a way i had not imagined it to be honest. It was day 2 at Sir's house and we were sitting on His couch in silence, just enjoying each others presence. i was sitting there looking at His hands, sometimes touching them and was in a sub mindset that of contemplation. His hand's are large and yet so soft and i was a bit amazed in some ways how His hands, as soft as they are, can be so gentle, caring and soothing and yet bring me to such a submissive mindset by putting His hand in my hair or on my neck as well as erotic pain. i am not sure why my mind focused on His hands so much, i just did. Then came one of those moments, it was very much like the time when i asked Sir if i may have permission to become His submissive. i just felt it....like something just clicked and it felt completely right. However, i also knew Sir was tired and He just wanted to relax. That and i was so nervous.... and excited and just....it's kind of hard to explain really. It wasn't like i didn't already know the answer, it was just that verbalizing it was hard to do. i kept looking at Sir, over and over and He commented on it and i told Him that i was tiptoe-ing. When i looked at Him again, His eyes were closed and He had a big smile on His face. He knew what i was thinking and He knew what i was trying to do! lol In some ways that made it worse yet made me feel better as well. i kept burying my head into Him (something which i have come to realize i do when i am feeling vulnerable) and finally took a deep breath, and asked Sir if i may please have permission to become His slave. my voice sounded small even to my ears....my heart was pounding but it felt so good to say those words with certainty and care. Sir said something about that not being so hard and even had me giggling. To the best of my memory, Sir then had me look at Him while He told me that a collar was just a symbol, that slavery had to come from the mind and from the heart. i agreed completely and then Sir let me snuggle back up close to Him. He then asked me "What are you chai?" i was finally able to respond with "i am Your slave Sir." Sir then asked me if i would like to go and get the purple bag out of the guest room that had the new collar in it and instead of jumping up and down to go and get it, i asked Sir if i may please just stay next to Him for a few moments longer. It was one of those times when my emotional and mental being was focused solely on Sir. Focused on my Master. i didn't want to leave His warmth or that cocoon i seemed to be wrapped up in. i was content just saying i was His slave, having it confirmed and Sir giving His permission. Just wonderful i think. So that night, Sir did not put on the slave collar waiting patiently in the purple bag. That happened the next day and i was SO excited and smiling from ear to ear. As you all have seen, it is a beautiful collar and i must admit i got the butterflies (good ones) when He had me take off my old one and lift my hair so He could slip it on and then screw it shut. Sir is right, a collar does not a slave make....even without it, i would still be Sir's slave in every sense of the word. my place is at my Master's side or at His feet as long as He desires me there, collar or not. But to be honest, when i am feeling down or my day has been really rough and sometimes just because, i reach up and touch it......and smile.