The sounds of pleasure and pain

i started to write about a scene Master and i did but then a thought struck me. However, i still want to write about the scene, so i am going to combine the two. First and foremost, i am not sure about using the word "scene" but it is the most appropriate word that most people understand. It started out with a very nice flogging....i do so love those. lol i love how it transforms from what feels like a back (or ass) massage to something that feels like a multitude of little stings (bee stings if Master is using the stingy flogger) before the warmth hits my body. After Master was done He brought out the cane.....i always get this huge rush of nervousness and arousal when He slides the cane, smooth and cool, against the back of my warm ass or thighs. The contrasts of temperature as well as knowing what the cane can do (if Master wants it to) sends my head for a spin. Sometimes i want to moan from the gentle caress but.....somehow it gets stuck. There have been times when the arousal that i feel from what Master is doing builds to a great extent but sometimes i can't seem to express it. Which is frustrating....grrrrrr. lol i know that Master can tell because my cu*t is wet and i know i have made sounds in the back of my throat after He is done but during the whole process, i think it would be nice to express it as well. So that is something i am going to work on....and make a big effort in doing so on this upcoming visit. (i'll let you know how it goes) i think one of the reasons is why i am still learning how to be increasingly open on admitting that i want more of the cane, flogger, strap, stinger ect. is because Master and i live so far apart. That isn't anyone's fault but it does slow down these realizations a little. But, now that i have this figured out, it is something i will work on with fervor. So wish me luck! lol Going back to what happened....i did manage to ask Master for more....although i got the words out, they were muffled (as least i think so....i know i was blushing a little). Master understood and asked me if i wanted more....all i could do was manage to nod my head and say "yes Sir". But i got some additional cane strikes so i think i may have to start asking a whole lot more often! While i received more cone strokes, Master decided to go for my oh, so , vulnerable breasts. i could swear He was only tapping them with the cane but oh.....my.....god. lol After about a minute i was squirming.....after two i was whimpering....i am sure that if it would have lasted 5 i would have been pleading with Master to stop. lol He got the underside of my breasts too.....the most sensitive spots. Although it did turn me on, it did push my limits.....almost one of those things that makes me aroused and my cu*t wet but it huuurtttsss! That, i think, is going to go under my love/hate list. lol Which is a little surprising because normally it is hard to do something to my breasts or nipples that actually hurts. i once said that i thought it would be hard to find something that did, since most everything automatically turns into straight pleasure. All i can think is "silly slave" lol Well....wait....when Master has nipple clamps on and pulls on them.....yeah, same reaction. i get so wet but i can't help but gasp at the pain and ohhh boy do i move quick when His hand is holding onto the nipple clamps! (who can blame me?? One light yank from Him and i am where ever He wants me) After Master was done playing with my breasts, i was allowed to suck His cock (thank You Sir!!) As always with Master i had a great time and a big smile on my face when He was done with me. Now if only i could open myself up to asking for more.....i am really going to have to put myself out there and push past the blushing.....but i think it would be worth it. If anything, i think it would be wonderful to communicate to Master how much i am enjoying what He is doing (even if it hurts). Sure Master may (and has) pushed me past the point of pleasurable but that is also something i enjoy, just for different reasons. That will be a different entry though.

Orgasms, pushes and triggers

This is an entry on my jumbled thoughts.....i can't sleep so i figure i will start this now. Thoughts on orgasms.....as some of you have read from the beginning, i have always had a problem with orgasms. Or rather, the lack of. Master is right when He says my body has on and off days. Some days it is really easy and others.....i feel as though i could try everything and it still not happen. It really sucks when i really really want to have one to. It really has become a sensitive issue with me, pretty much on my part. Master is accepting and doesn't pressure me or tell me i have to have one but.....i still end up putting all that pressure on myself, which could be rather counter-productive to what i (or Master) am trying to do. Delving deeper into myself, i think that i am so concerned about not pleasing Master, that i let it interfere with what is going on. i learned this lesson long ago that if Master is displeased, He will tell me but i guess it is lesson i have to relearn and accept.

In my last entry, i left of saying that things are harder the first time around.....but not always. Here are my thoughts on that issue. A lot of things are easier the second time Master does it. A perfect example of something that wouldn't be easier the second time, but harder, would be Master having me walk with the nipple clamps attached to my cunt lips and nipples. See that entry here. What makes it harder is not the physical difficulty but rather the emotional aspect. you see, i fully remember how it made me feel the first time and in vivid color. i remember how hard it was, how i wanted to cry but i wanted so badly to do as i was told, regardless of how it made me feel, i knew it would please Him. Having to do it a second time *shudder* would be soooo much harder. It would have a larger effect on me. That is where being pushed comes in. Even though it would be enormously difficult, i like being pushed by Master and sometimes i like being pushed, hard. Even if it makes me cry.....which is something that i have found not only connects me deeply to my submission to Master but also gives the buildup of emotions from the scene or whatever else is going on in my life direction and guidance. i am one of those people who doesn't really let myself cry. When i am around Master, He lets me cry and i feel safe doing so because i know He isn't going to leave me alone if i do so. Whew....my biggest fear about crying....is being left alone, abandoned to cry my heart out and being made to feel what is going on is completely unimportant to someone else. Master will not do this but being honest, i have had so many people in my life walk away in disgust when i start crying, that is has become a protective instinct. my brain and my heart knows that He will hold me and let me cry my tears......like when He pushed me in a scene to that point. Master just held me, rubbed my back, whispered soothing words and told me it was okay. i just wish that i could push those "walls" back down as easily as i can put them up. *sigh* More things to work on within myself.....but i am more than determined to do so. More on pushing....i wish i could be pushed easier. lol i have a lot of strength in my arms and legs and my pain tolerance in actually pretty high. Although Master did one scene where He used the cane on the underside of my breasts and oh.....my.....god. lol That pushed me....pretty easily really. i was actually a little surprised..... normally with breast or nipple play it is hard to get me to start cringing and whining but Master got me there in less than 5 minutes! It was pretty cool actually. Maybe it is a matter of being pushed fast instead of hard.....or a combo of both. If anything, i will leave the details to Master....He knows what can push me over the edge, that knowledge is His alone.

Okay, now onto triggers. Master and i had a discussion on what triggers my submission. He said that physical pain is a big trigger for me, which is very true. But i thought about it some more and when i am daydreaming about being with Him, there are a few things in my mind that always remain constant. So here goes.

Being "petted". This has happened often and it never fails to bring me to that peaceful, submissive mindset. When i am kneeling at His feet, His hand running over my head, i feel small, owned and very submissive. i won't insert anything about feeling like a pet because it certainly doesn't make me want to wag my "tail" or anything like that and although i do find puppy/pony play interesting, it isn't for me.

Kneeling- Often in my daydreams, simple kneeling at His feet, in pos.6, my head lightly resting at the base of His feet will bring to me a sense of my submission. In some of my daydreams i cry, simply because i am so happy to have the privilege to serve Him, please Him....to be allowed to be His slave. Simply tears from my submission and joy.

Master's hand on the back of my neck or in my hair. Even gentle but firm pressure can give me pause and instantly being me to a submissive mindset. (as well as cause arousal-if i may add-lol)

Calling me "slave girl" It is a nickname, like cutie, that Master calls me often. Come to think of it, He doesn't use my name that often....which i don't mind for a couple of reasons. 1) i know who i am and i am not likely to forget. lol i have a good sense of self so i don't miss my name not being used. 2) Since Master doesn't use my name often when He does use it, it is often paired with a certain tone, which automatically makes me want to bow my head and reply "Yes Sir". Pretty interesting.

Another huge trigger....Master. He always says i am perceptive so i will say that Master has the unique ability to put me in a submissive mindset simply by the look on His face, the tone of His voice.....even just by the energy He is putting off. Hence why i have said in the past there are times, just by Him walking into the room, i have the innate urge to kneel. i am not saying that i dependent on Him to feel my submission, i feel that all the time but.....He can bring it out further with ease.

Hmmm...ahh yes, non-erotic humiliation. Being to told to walk in way described above was non-erotic but omg, it slammed me into such a submissive and humble mindset. The only erotic thought i had during that time was knowing that i was pleasing Master. i actually enjoy being pushed like that.....even if it is non-erotic. i guess that also puts triggers into the space of "having" to do something. i like it when Master "makes" me do something....

Cuffs, collar and leash-mmmmm. All three give me a sense of my submission, service and peace. they also make me feel a bit more like an owned slave and object which leads into objectification. i love objectification......it is sooo arousing and i have gotten to the point were i can freely admit that i enjoy being told i am only good for fucking, that i am a good toy to play with, i am a slut.....all sorts of things. When i first met Master, words held little power and even less in the sexual realm. But now, Master can use words to make me feel all sorts of things...He has the power to do so.

Being held down.....now rope has it's own perfect, wonderful, erotic, arousing, submissive, vulnerable qualities that i will always crave and adore. But there have been times when Master will hold my wrists down when using me, pining me in a way that has it's omg qualities all on it's own. Master and i both know i am not going to go anywhere but the feel of His strength from His hands, His body....it just soo.....egad, so wonderful! Even though we know i am not going anywhere....just His strength, His Dominance, is a vivid reminder as well as hugely arousing.

i think that is all for now...there are quite a few more but these are the ones that come to me with startling clarity. So these are my thoughts on all of these topics. If i think of anymore, i am sure i will post them at some point in time. But it was fun to write.....

All tied up in a bow- Part 2

Okay, so when i left off, it was k getting naked. lol After she took off all of her clothing, she was the first to get to try the whole nipples attached to the pull-up bar idea. It was actually pretty cool to watch. As she got comfortable,i asked permission to sit down on part of the bench that her body wasn't covering. Master and M seemed to like the sight and i was having fun lightly caressing her inner thighs. M was standing to one side, helping Master hold the bar while pieces of leather were tied to the clamps and bar. Now, one of the really cool things about the bowflex is that it is easy to add and subtract weight. At first, it was set on 10 (i think) and k was told to hold it. If she straightened her arms, the clover clamps would tighten and clamp down harder on her nipples. At first k did this with ease and then M and Master decided to add more weights. While They were doing this, i decided that payback never hurt anyone and i really started to rub k's inner thighs,lightly running my fingernails over her flesh and she would giggle a little.then k's arms started to shake a little.....her arms were getting tired and at the point in time, M started to time her to see how long she could hold on.Master and M also started to really pay attention to the bar.....if her hands slipped from fatigue, M and Master were there to make sure that bar would stay in place so she wouldn't get hurt. i think one of the coolest parts was to see how hard k was concentrating on keeping the bar close to her......when she had made it an additional 5 minutes, the nipple clamps were taken off and she was allowed to relax and sit up. Actually watching a scene, that up close and personal wasn't as intense as i thought it would have been. The entire time Master and M paid lots of attention to what was going on with k not to mention the conversation and the occasional bit of laughter. Even k herself let loose a couple of laughs from funny comments!So it had a fun and playful tone to it, which was really nice. After k got off the bowflex, Master decided i should try it to. i really like this idea(predicament bondage is so wonderful) and although i was a little nervous, i stayed still so Master could put the nipple clamps on. k has made the comment that it hurts the second time going on but i find even though it hurts more...i really enjoy it. i laid back and positioned myself to hold the pull-up bar. i wasn't really that nervous actually.....until the started adding weight to it! lol Then i got a little nervous but it wasn't that bad. i found i could hold onto it rather easily so in short order, Master and M added more weights. i was still doing really well when Master got out the harley. Omg!!!! i had not one clue on how to react to that.....there wasn't anything i could do really. *grin* i mean, k was holding the harley, i had this predicament bondage scene going on (thank You Sir!), Master was there the entire time. The vibe felt sooo good and the pressure on my nipples was amazing. i honestly forgot the weight on my arms fora little bit and i couldn't help but respond. i lost all track of time during this scene....majorly. lol i somehow ended up with my neck bent backwards having slid off the bench while still holding the bar! It was a little tough at first.....Master hadn't let other people use me sexually before. i did relax though....which was pretty nice. i honestly can't remember anything Master, M or k said for my brain wasn't fully functioning. i did love the way how i could let my arms stretch farther to increase the amount of pain on my nipples though. i will admit experimenting with that. lol At some point in time i do remember Master telling M (who was keeping time for me as well) that after15 minutes He wanted to stop. M laughed and said that i had passed that already!i think Master was surprised and i giggled....i hadn't realized how long i had been holding, oh i think, 60lbs of weight. (i am much stronger than i look)i didn't have an orgasm, which was a little upsetting (always is in a way)but i just kind of mentally shrugged my shoulders.. So the nipple clamps came off and somehow it was decided that using the cuffs on my ankles....attaching them to some bar above my head, sounded like fun. lol i agreed and i was very excited to try it out. Master got me all set up and then He brought out the strap!!! i wasn't expecting that at all and was a little "omg" in my head. Sure enough, Master started to strike on the back of my thighs. At first i squealed.....it stung!!lol i kept moving (well tried) my legs. Since they were attached above me, i couldn't move and goodness....it was wonderful. It honestly took a few minutes (maybe more) when i started to feel the onset of sup-space but wasn't able to really fully fall into it. It was interesting to be so exposed as well as it put me in this very nice submissive mindset (somehow more than i was already) and even though it was a challenge it was very arousing at the same time. After Master was done with me (i love saying that!) He unattached everything and i sat up. Next time i will go slower. lol my eyes actually crossed! i just had this huuugee head rush and got very dizzy for a minute. When i tried to stand up, i got dizzy again. Once i got my composure (and balance*grin*) i was able to walk around and such. i was a little quiet though and i started to sink into myself. Something didn't feel right but i tried to shrug it off. M and k had to get going, so k got dressed and well all commented that it had been very fun to see each other and play a little. It was very nice to see M and k.....and i wasn't the only naked person!! lol After hugs had been exchanged and goodbye's said, Master sat me down and we had a talk.i was still a little quiet and unsure of what i was feeling but after talking to Him, i felt better and a little silly. Master assured me that it was okay and that that is the reason why i need to be honest with how i am feeling. Overall,the night was very very fun and if something like that should happen again, i am sure that i will be able to relax even more.. (it is always the hardest the first time....well maybe not but that is another entry)

All tied up in a bow!

Hey everyone in bloggerland, long time no write!! lol i know, i didn't write but i promise i have a good reason. my comp broke down not once but twice during the time i was supposed to have for myself. So jumping right in to everything that has happened these past few months....whew.....that is a lot. lol Lots of discussions, quite a few times and as nothing is a perfect, a few moments of drama have occurred. Before i even get into the rest of this, i had a visit with Master a few weeks ago and ended up doing a scene with Master, M and k that i definitely was not expecting. i knew something was up, i just didn't know what. Well, Master invited M and k over for dinner. Of course we had fun!! i love being around those two as there is always something up for discussion. After dinner (and i once again was given permission to use the dishwasher for the dishes- thank You Sir!) i was picking up the little bit left of the dishes when Master, M and k all went into Master spare bedroom so He could show them the new bowflex gym He bought. i didn't think anything of it, i just kept putting up the dishes and get the kitchen looking lovely. When i was done, i think it was M who came in and i ended up following him out of the kitchen. When i looked into the room, Master was there, making a joke with M. (Or something......i think They were laughing over what Master had in mind. k was there and i joined in on the discussion. Turns out Master's idea for the night was to attach my nipples to the bar with nipple clamps. With weights on it no less!! Being honest, my first reaction was- uh-huh no way in hell....my nipples will get ripped off!! lol That really is what i was thinking at first. Then, after the shock wore off, i was insanely curious. i love nipple torture and i knew Master wouldn't let my nipples rip off. One, that would be really really bad and two- that would have been one less thing He would be able to play with. (just had to add that) So Master went and got the clamps, came back in and told me to strip. i have been naked in front of M and k so many times, Master could have told me to go get a drink of water. *grin* Yes, it still makes me giggle a little but i am okay with it. Well.....Master decided to get out the clover clamps....i love those things as much as i dread Him putting them on. lol Before anything else occurred though, Master decided to tie me up!!! i saw the rope and all that went through my head was "yes yes yes, thank You thank You!!" *grin* Oh, how i missed the feel of rope on my body, the arousal that hits me so hard, the submissive mindset it brings me to, know that when i am tied Master can do whatever comes to His mind and i can't change a thing about it. Another reason why i adore being tied is because when i am tied, i can't move. There are things, like the cane or strap or even His stinger (surprise) that i don't always (sometimes i do lol) want to move away from and the rope keeps my body from having that natural reaction. So, rope and bondage is good, very very good. He had me stand and put me in a bondage tie that had my arms and hands behind my back. Naked, He had me straddle the bowflex gym with my chest facing the bar that you're supposed to pull down. From there, Master took a rope (maybe the same one?) and tied my arms to the total gym so that i was still sitting but restricted how far i could lean forward. i let my weight fall forward and felt the tug and pull from the rope. i took solace in it and, for a few peaceful moments, simply let myself drift. However, Master once again gained my full, undivided attention (again lol) when He grabbed a nipple to put on the clamps. i always hold my breath at first feel of the clamp upon my nipple but i think they went on rather easy. (Big sigh of relief-lol) Initially, Master wanted to tie each nipple clamp on one side but as we tried that (with me giggling all the way) it was too much. i really was afraid that the weight was way too much and i think Master and M had the same idea. So, i think it was M who came up with the idea to attach both of my nipples.....somehow.....to only one side. lol i honestly can't remember how Master did it....at the time, i was paying quite a bit of attention to myself. my body first and foremost. As with anything that is new, it is always a great, wonderful idea to give feedback if something doesn't feel right. The other reason is because i wanted to giggle so, so bad. Whenever i get super nervous or unsure, i giggle. Master knows this and thankfully doesn't mind. But i was incredibly nervous. i didn't know what this was going to feel like and even though Master and M had a hold of the bar so it wouldn't jerk, the litany of "omg omg omg" was running through my head. But....not so bad. In fact, the burning from my nipple being pulled along with rope and me letting my body naturally fall forward, i was heading into a great meditative state. All of giggling, the joking and talking started to blur away, heading into the back of my mind, a place where i wasn't really all there. Almost like subspace and i think i could have stayed there....except that my fingers began going numb. Darn!! lol i actually contemplated not saying anything but.....i knew it wasn't the best idea and as Master's slave, it is my job to Him when something feels weird. So it was with a small feeling of regret, i told Master 2 of my fingers had gone numb. When M and k heard this, they both agreed that numb parts from being tied isn't a good thing. Master said it was good that i had told Him and untied my arms. Being honest, i didn't realize how numb they were until Master told me i could move. Goodness!!! lol i flexed my arms, stood up after being given permission to do so, when Master and M came up with an idea to tie the nipple clamps to the bar in a pull up position, so that way the submissive would have to keep her arms close to her or they would pull on her nipples. (They're so evil.....but k and i loved it!) i made the comment (kind of pouty like) that it wasn't fair i was always the only one naked. Master and M laughed, k said she wasn't fully comfortable with getting naked. A big scene a few days earlier caused bruises that were still there-in k's words, she looked like she had been in a car wreck but i'll always think she is beautiful-Master and M agreed with me. M just looked at her and told her to strip-simple as that. Then i wasn't the only sub/slave naked in the room and whoa boy, did the night get a whole lot more interesting....

Response

Someone left a comment about the quiz i posted-asking where i found it. i apologize for the lateness of my response lola but here is the link!

http://www.quizfarm.com/quiz_repository/new/136192/

i hope that you have as much fun as i did taking this quiz! ::Warning:: It is a little long

i am making some changes to the blog which may take a couple of days. But i am looking forward too a new look and i hope everyone enjoys the changes that are made!

my come back

i know i haven't written anything lately. It isn't because i haven't wanted to, it is just that life has been super busy! i am still a happy slave to Master and i am well. It looks like i will have a lot of free time to write in about a week, so expect to see a lot of entries. i have a lot of catching up to do! lol Lots of stuff has happened and there are some expected changes in the near future. Since i will have lots of free time, if anyone has any questions or anything they would like to ask me, feel free to do so. i will try my best to answer all of them in the coming month.

Quiz

(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.)))

It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a Dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.

i took this test because it looked pretty fun to do and was a little surprised at first of my scores. But after thinking about it, it actually makes sense...at least with the way my brain works. This test was based mainly on sex but since i can see how these scores spill into my mindset- i thought i would comment on them.

Submissive 93%

i am not surprised at all at this score....probably why i love being a slave so much. Why it is 93%- i think it is because there are times and situations in my life, when away from Master, in which i must be in charge. Which doesn't bother me, it is just a part of life and of who i am.

Experimental 75%

This, again, not surprised. As i have gone down this road, i have become more curious about different types of sex and have had doors opened to me that i had never thought of. The most recent on that list being tickling. It is something that i would love to try again and i used to hate it. So yes, i have become more experimental.

Bondage 75%

i am a huge big bondage slut....i could be tied up all night and be glowing in the morning.

Degradation Lover 75%

::blushing:: Okay...so a lot of my fantasies have to do with being degraded. Being called a slut, whore....being told i am only good for fucking....and i think that is as far as my imagination goes. That's not a bad thing though, is it? Didn't think so. On one hand, it is exciting to think what else is out there that i just haven't thought of. i have finally come to terms with why i like it. Well....maybe i don't understand all the way yet but i do know why Master could say those things and it be exciting. Master respects me as person and as His slave. He thinks of me fondly and He truly cares for me. i know He doesn't mean those things in a "I really mean that you are a slut" in a bad way but rather in a "Yes, you are MY slut and I like it" way. So it is okay....He and our dynamic makes it okay for it not only to happen but for me to enjoy it. That and...well....saying stuff like that is rather naughty. Normally i try my best to act like a proper lady in public so it is rather exciting to be able to let that part of myself go. So maybe i do know why i like it- or at least one of the reasons.

Masochist 68%

i could have sworn this was going to be higher than this. But that's okay...there are things that i am still learning. Such as....if Master starts out spanking me with a very light warm up, i gently go into subspace. But that was back in the beginning...it was usually nice and gentle at first. Now it is rougher at first which may make me jump and squeak but i enjoy it sooo much as well. That and when i hit subspace....wham! i am gone. So really the only difference is the initial pain factor. But i like the pain, the sting....going very gently into subspace may be nice at times but i definitely like the rough stuff too. The cane, crop and recently the strap are things that i really enjoy. With the stinger....well....i like when Master makes me do it- even though it drives me crazy and i squeal- i still get rather wet from it.

Exhibitionist / Voyeur 68%

Not surprised. lol Ever since i have been with Master, i have become more open to not only being watched but also watching. Being watched is kind of fun (still learning about doing stuff in front of strangers)....as long as i am not touched by any strange men. i seem to have a large issue with that still.....people i don't know, i can't trust. If i can't trust them, it sends me into full panic mode. The thought gives me shivers....Dommes i think i could handle touching me if Master desired it. i guess just knowing it is a female helps. Watching people has become pretty fun, although i have yet to see full blown fuc*ing. That could be interesting.....

Switch 61%

Lately Master and i have been discussing my Domme tendencies. i have this nice little image of another female sub/slave getting me ready for me to serve Master. Like in the past when people had servants all the time. It is a nice thought and i have also discovered that i like erotic humiliation (doing and receiving) as well as the thought of teaching another sub/slave and making sure they do what Master wishes.

Sadist 54%

Hmm...i was really surprised at this until i thought about it. All the pain i would want to give to another female sub/slave, has to with stuff i personally love for Master to do to me and stuff i would like to try with erotic pain. Considering my masochist score, it would make sense for this to be as high as it is. i would only want to give pain i knew they enjoyed. When it comes to household chores and tasks though....i know i wouldn't care if they liked it or not....i'd still make her do it., more so if Master is the one who gave the order.

Vanilla 18%

i will be the first to admit that i enjoy vanilla activities. Not only with Master but with my friends as well. i enjoy the walks on the beach, the dinners out, the movie watching on/next to the couch, the cuddling, the romantic moments and all that jazz. i like having that mix with Master. When it comes to the sexual side i am not sure how i would feel about it. When i think about "vanilla" sex, i think the tender slow touching, lots of kissing (even though i really enjoy kissing, i still am not that confident at kissing though-being honest i am not that experienced) and i think it would be emotional on a different plane (at least on my end) that i am not used to. i am a bit curious but like everything else, i have reasons why i am not sure if i want to get into that at this point in time.

Dominant 4%

"Duh"

Pushed- Ending

i was back, standing against the wall, when Master brought out the flogger once again. A little bit of squealing occurred as i tried my best to breath through each one. The sting of each blow...the burn was getting intense and when Master put the flogger down, i breathed a sigh of relief. Then came out the cane for another round. Goodness...ouch. lol i think i did better the second time the cane was used, for i do not remember Master telling me to present myself like He did the first time. Each strike was hard and stingy and tough to breath through. i was starting to approach my normal range of erotic pain and i was not sure if Master's intentions were to "expand" my experience or all of this would be over with. The thought didn't stay long in my head however. Then came out the strap. (never had one before) Ohhh boy.....that was actually pretty cool. It felt like a mix between the cane (because it had a stingy effect) and the flogger, because of the thud it produced. How this came about is actually...well...funny now (i was so clueless!)-but not funny then. you see, Master went to His closet and grabbed something. i heard Him rustling around and i was unsure of what He was getting. i kept my head down, despite the strong urge to see what He was getting. After He got what He was looking for, He stood behind me. i wasn't sure at this point if Master actually had something in His hand, or if my head was being messed with. Come to think of it though, i think i enjoyed having no clue what was going to happen and seeing what was in His hand. i was sanding there, coiled tightly from anticipation and curiosity when i asked Master if i may please know what He had in His hand. "No- you may not" was Master's only reply. i knew better than to push the subject, more so since Master had that "tone". Being honest- whenever He gets that tone in His voice- i don't question.....period. The energy in the room....from Master...was just, wow. Definitely caught and kept my concentrated attention. After a few seconds of Master's response..."slap"!! i jumped....i had not one clue what He was using. All i could feel what the object was doing. After a few minutes of receiving my first "strapping" the burn and sting was really setting in. my eyes were closed, my breathing a little uneven. Master put the strap down and once again had me drop to my knees to service Him. i gladly did so and again, the thought (maybe hope?) that all was done crept back into my head. i largely ignored it but then Master threw me for a loop. His hand had been in my hair, instructing me how deep or slow He wanted me to do, when He jerked my mouth from His co*k and made me look up at Him. (Intense!!) Master asked me "back or ass?" and i remember just staring at Him. my brain was gone and i had not the foggiest idea of what it was He was asking of me!! All i could think was "huh??" i must have looked confused or not responded fast enough for Master repeated Himself again- "back or ass?" Each word punctuated, His voice harder than before. In my brain, i knew i had to make a choice and blurted out the first thing that came to mind- "back Sir" Master said "okay- back against the wall" and i stood back up. After the first stroke of the flogger, i realized what He meant! Sometimes, it takes a little while to get something through a brain made foggy from erotic pain. However, the flogging...well....wasn't that erotic. Yes there were erotic tones within it, as i am His slave as well as a masochist. But mentally...and in some ways physically, i was being pushed past the realm of erotic pain. Each swing was horrible. Good horrible but horrible. (hope that makes sense) i felt tears gathering in the back of my eyes but somewhere in my head, out of habit, i was saying that i could handle this..to just breath and i would be okay. Such a familiar battle but in some ways, it was different. Master had me get on my knees once again and during the time of me sucking His co*k, i stopped fighting and really hoped that all was done. i had stopped (telling myself) that i could handle all of this, i stopped TRYING to handle and cope with what was happening. But stopping was not Master's wish. He asked me if i wanted the flogger or cane. (Something like that) i responded with trying to describe the strap, as i still did not know what He had used. my back was sore and the thought of the cane was...::shudder:: Uh-uh- no way, not if Master was being kind and generous enough to give me a choice. lol So i went with what i thought would be the kindest of all toys. (i was wrong- again lol) Master understood and had me stand back up with my hands against the wall. Honestly, i no longer had any inkling that this was going to end, but as hard as all of this was, some part of me was craving what Master was doing so much. The strap hit oh, maybe 5 or 6 times, when i think a small sob erupted from me. i remember shaking my head, trying to fend off my emotions by instinct, not any real desire to do so. The room got soo quiet as Master came behind me (He has put up the strap somewhere in that frame of time- although i am not sure when) He turned me to Him, looked into my eyes and to this day i don't really remember how it happened. All i do remember is staring to cry and Master telling me to cry. He says that He used a harsh tone of voice but in my mind, the warmth of His arms and His voice was heaven. i broke down....hard. Sobbing, shaking, not caring how i sounded or anything else. Master at one point in time tried to wrap my arms around Him but i couldn't. In the haze of crying, letting go...really letting go, i felt frozen and unable to move. Master and i stayed standing for a few minutes until He urged me onto the bed, where He laid down and just let me cry. He was rubbing my back, my arm-keeping our physical self's close, all the while speaking to me gently. i hung onto Master for dear life, feeling exposed and open. Simply put- i needed Him. i know that may not sound like much but there aren't many times in my life i feel like i need someone with such ferocity. But i needed Master- His strength, calmness, acceptance and His understanding. After i had calmed down, i looked into Master's eyes and saw the affection and pride that resided there. Master knew how hard that was and told me that He was proud of me! In the aftermath, i was surprised that i opened up that much but i was incredibly happy that i did. All in all, i must say that overall it was something that i truly enjoyed on many levels. The anticipation, erotic pain, serving sexually, being pushed past erotic pain was, in some ways erotic (figure that out), having to choose the instrument of my demise (that sounds like something out of a novel-lol) to breaking down was all wonderful. After breaking down, i felt...refreshed, lighter with arousal and simple humble pride from having pleased Master all mixed in. That was by far, the hardest scene Master and i have ever done but i was smiling (possibly glowing) in the end and i think that is what matter's most. Master once told me, it is okay to cry during a scene if i feel the urge to do so, as long as i can smile afterward. Overall, it was a great experience and i actually hope that one day this will happen again.

Pushed

This visit, i was pushed. Hard. Master had me get against the wall and He pulled out the flogger and started at my shoulders. At first, this felt like a wonderful, relaxing deep tissue massage. i breathed through each one, enjoying the warmth the flogger left on my back. Even thinking about it now brings a smile to face. Within a few seconds though, Master started to use the flogger with increasing strength. The relaxing feeling was soon replaced with the ticking of arousal, as the flogger started to sting and leave a light burning sensation in it's wake. It was then that i started to focus on relaxing, somehow knowing that Master was going to go a bit harder. Sure enough, as the strokes kept falling and getting harder, my breathing started to falter and the owww sensation was creeping upon me. Just as i was starting to whimper, Master switched tactics, went to His closet and brought out the cane. "Ooohhhh" was all i could think. Master had me switch my position so my ass was better presented and i fought the instinct of tensing up. i felt the cool surface touch the back of my thighs and i took a deep breath. Master smacked the back of my thighs numerous times very lightly and eekkk! That drove me up the wall! lol It is hard to not expect a stroke when that is happening...it is almost like being teased. Part of me wanted to giggle out of nervousness and come to think of it, i may have. Then....whack! There went the first stroke and i jumped. Each stoke drove me a little farther....i would jump, tense and sometimes try to stall to try and get a "breather" in between each one. But Master wasn't having any of that this time. "Get back in to position" or "present your ass" were the words i heard this time, a bit more often than usual. By the time Master was done (or so i thought), my breath was starting to waver and my mind was becoming a little slow. i was becoming an aroused, mushy slave and admittedly, loving every minute of it. He threw the cane on the bed and instructed to get onto my knees to serve Him. In a way, i breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that i was given the honor of serving Him and that the worst was over. As i was sucking Master's co*k, His hands came to my nipples and pulled. That felt so very good and my arousal climbed even higher. Master had me draw away from His co*k, told me to stand back up and re-position myself on His bedroom wall. i think it was then that i realized that i was going to be pushed pretty hard, although i didn't know what the result would be. Even though a part of me was a bit nervous and apprehensive about how hard this might get, the desire to serve Master and the desire to be pushed over-ruled anything else i was feeling. Uncertainty about how i would react, mixed with trust and excitement were the emotions i had as i stood back up, put my hands on the wall and presented myself for whatever else Master had in store for me.

Tickled

When i first met Master (way back when) i told Him that i could not stand being tickled and i don't just mean it annoyed me. i mean like it would cause me to panic, reduce me tears and if carried on long enough, cause me to want to hide in a dark corner while i erased the feeling of panic from my mind and body while mutely staring at a wall. Yes, that bad. In the past i have even ended up hitting people out of self preservation. Needless to sat, tickling me became something Master never attempted to do. But a couple of visits ago, He tickled me for just a brief moment and i was okay. i didn't mind, i didn't freak out....just laughed. After, Master made the comment about not wanting to do something that would give me a very bad experience. But i assured Him i was fine and the subject matter dropped. This visit, something incredible happened! Master and i were sitting on the couch and He started to tickle me. All i could do was laugh...well laugh and jump and giggle. lol i can't remember how it happened, but at some point in time, i ended up laying over His lap. Master was tickling me.....yes i was squirming but no bad feelings. Master said something about Him not wanting me to move (it is sooo hard NOT to move when someone was tickling you!) and He grabbed my nipple! Once He had a good grip, Master continued to tickle me. Every time i would jump, my nipple would get pulled....hard. It hurt but i couldn't stop laughing....adding in the fact that i adore nipple torture, this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. But i did try my best to stay still as Master wanted me to. Each time He would tickle me, part of me was waiting for the signal to go off in my brain that it was becoming to much. Or maybe i wasn't waiting for it but rather, paying very close attention to how i was feeling. But the feeling never came.....i never felt panicked or scared or anything negative. Instead, it felt more like a light-hearted game of sorts. How long i could stay still or get my nipple pulled. lol In the end, i ended up jumping so badly that my nipple was ripped from Master's very tight grip. He later told M and k that He was holding on as tight as He could! After all was said and done, Master and i laughed at how hard i must have jumped and part of me was a little sad that the "game" had ended. i really enjoyed myself (thank You Sir!!) and when Master told me that next time He might use the clover clamps, two things happened. 1) i was excited that it may happen again and 2) became a little nervous about the clover clamps. But those things can pull sooo hard! lol In a lot of ways, i was a little surprised at how everything went. As i said, i do not take tickling well. i did when i was a kid but somehow, as i got older, it started to have a bad effect. So i was really happy to discover that part of myself. Well...no....that's not it. i say that because i know that i could not take my friends tickling me. To re-phrase- i was happy to discover that Master could tickle me with no ill effects. Why exactly He can when no one else can......well, after a lot of thinking, i think it may be a mix of things. One being, i trust Him. Pure and simple. i know that He would never keep tickling me if i said my safe word (which is my responsibility to use BEFORE it gets to the point of panic) i also know that He would watch me closely to make sure i am okay. (friends sometimes forget about that.....or if you say stop- they keep going...thinking that you are laughing) Also, Master had tickled me before. Very brief short bursts, nothing i could not handle. 2...well....being honest. i want to please Master. It is something that i desire very much and strive to do. i think that has an effect on why i am willing to push past some of my own fears. i know that Master enjoys tickling me and in the past i have often felt a little bad that He couldn't, because i just couldn't handle it. Perhaps in some subconscious way, i tried working through that dislike. To try and find the space where i could enjoy it once again and that boundary would no longer be there. Or maybe everything just fell into place. (i think i am going to go with the whole wanting-to-please-Him-so-i-will-work-past-this theory) Which spurns a whole new train of thought i will approach at another time. 3 would be the fact that i did enjoy being tickled by Him. It was nice and fun and something i am eager to try again. Even though i know that it may one day turn from something that felt mostly silly to something more serious i know now that it is something that can happen and i won't freak out or anything. i'm not going to say it wouldn't be hard but knowing that i am okay (mentally and emotionally) with tickling makes me feel pretty happy. Yet another new door opens for exploration which should be interesting to say the least.

My continued training - golden showers

Master was sitting at His computer desk, i can't remember what exactly we were doing but somehow the fact that He had to pee entered into the conversation. It went somewhere along the lines that He had to use the restroom and i stood up. Then, very casually Master said, "Or I can just pee on you". i thought Master was joking, even as a shiver went down my spine. "Yes Sir" came out of my mouth enclosed in a giggle. It was only when He looked at me with the smile i have come to know so well that i realized that He meant it. Still i froze for a moment with a smile still on my face, unsure of what was going to happen. Master gave me a gentle push in the direction of the bathroom. "Go on then, go kneel in the shower" (or something to that effect) i walked into the bathroom, stood and turned around to face Him. "Hurry up and get undressed and get into the shower". He was smiling but i knew that tone of voice....i had better hurry up. i stripped as fast (yet gracefully) as i could manage and went in to kneel into the shower. This took adjustment on my part, since i am somewhat used to kneeling with my ass on my heels, however, as Master and i discussed, i was to try and swallow at much of His pee as possible, without making a mess. So i got as close to His c*ck as possible, got into position 4 and opened my mouth. i couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through my body and even as His pee hit my mouth, it had not yet "hit" that this was happening. All i could do at the beginning was concentrate on keeping my mouth open but then this feeling came over me....i always try my hardest to please Master but this was like an added determination. So i attempted to breath through my nose and swallow at the same time. i was hoping for the effect that i would be able to swallow as much as possible. However, it didn't really work that way. lol i ended up choking just a bit and in the 3 or 4 seconds it took to compose myself and get ready for more, it started to really hit me that i was attempting to swallow all of Master's pee. All that was going through my head was a frantic attempt to please Him as much as possible. During this time, Master was controlling the flow. i haven't had that much experience and i was very grateful that He was going slow with me. Time and time again, i would try to swallow with my mouth still open. Not impossible but it was hard to get used to. When Master was done, i stayed kneeling for a moment while everything else sunk in. After a few seconds Master told me i was a good girl (i love it when Master calls me that!!) and told me to get out of the shower, so He could start it for me. A very kind gesture and i thanked Him for it. i remember the look on His face...i could see that He was very proud of me, i had pleased Him and He was happy. i laughed when Master said something along the lines that what happened was going to be a lot to absorb. All i could do was giggle and agree. All i could say was "that was intense". Master looked at me, gently smiled and said "Indeed it was cutie" and gave me a gentle kiss on my lips. He opened the door to the shower and i gratefully climbed into the wonderful hot water. As i walked in and had a few quiet moments, the full effect of me swallowing about 80% of His pee hit. i was just....wow. In that quiet space in my head where the only thing that i really feel is happy, submissive and owned. i was all but glowing when i came out of the shower and although i was a little quieter than usual, i was able to function rather well. There have been times when Master will use me and push me to the point where i am useless for anything but small chores and getting my hair stroked. This wasn't one of those times but i was still pretty far into that particular type of subspace. Absolutely wonderful! It is Master's intent to train me to the point where i will no longer need to go in the shower (unless He feels like peeing on me) and i am confident that i will get there. i would love for Master to be able to use me in that fashion whenever the urge hits Him without thinking about having to take a shower afterwards, so i am determined, in my own fashion, to do this for Him.

In the public's eye

Jumping right into this visit, let me first inform you all that i am indeed at Master's house for a week loing visit!! And loving it...some firsts have already happened. i got pushed really hard, tried something new and different, went to a public dungeon and the visit has not even ended! Normally i write in order of things that have happened but it is by Master's request that i write about this right now. M, k, Master and i went to a public dungeon. i had never been but was pretty excited and happy to go, if for nothing else then to try something different. Well, we got there and of coursre i am nervous as all get out. Lots of people were there and goodness...so many details but i will get to those later. What i am writing about right now was a scene that Master decided to do. He did not bring any toys with Him as He was content to sit back, watch and answer any questions i might have. That was pretty cool but what Master did next suprised me. First, Master took off my top and put me in this standing cage. Though it was big enough for me to stand in but when Master told me to get into pos. 1, my elbows stuck out of the bars. At first, i was like...oh geez.....just standing there topless in front of people i did not know. After about one minute though, i ceased to be nervous or anything like that. In fact i became really comfortable and was just watching other people out of the corner of me eye and listening to the sounds of people being flogged, spanked and goodness knows what else. Master came up and spoke to me, asked me how i was doing and such and when He learned that i was more then comfortable in the cage half naked, He promptly told me to take off my skirt. Now, i was wearig this leather corest type of top and a super super short white pleated skirt (think very naughty school girl). With that, add black patent leather 6-inch heels to the mix. So when He told me to take off my skirt, not only was that a little difficlut to do, it also made me very shy. But i did get it off and back into position. After the skirt was off Master had me stand there for a few more minutes in pos.1 and then told me to turn into pos.2. Well, at this time, i am thinking that this is no problem and i stood there and focused on listening. After a while Master told me to face front again...which happened a few times and then i started thinking that i was going through a kinky version of doe-se-doe. lol my arms were getting a little tired and such but i was okay with everything. Then.....Master had me face the back again and kept me there. After about 3 minutes i started wondering if He left....i didn't hear Him and my arms were getting tired....but i saw His shadow and thought i heard Him talking to someone. i dismissed it though and i think now maybe i shouldn't have. lol Turns out k had an idea that Master approved of so when He told me to face the front (yet again-lol) i saw about 30 people staring at me!!!!! OMG!!! Some where kneeling and according to M, panic crossed my face which i quickly covered. i focus on the mirror in the back of the room....i didn't want to see the other people....i just looked through them. i focused on my posture, my face...keeping a slight smile without giggling. i became insanly aware of every body part....every arch as i strived to hold posotion. By this time my arms where burning and aching.....but somehow i mangaed to keep them upright and still. After what was probably only a minute or two, Master came, looked at me (i can't remember what He said) and i laughed. Which made some of the crowd smile as well. He then let me out of the cage, i breathed a huge sigh of relief and people started to clap. i rememeber i got very shy at that....it was very kind of them but i could feel myself blushing. k asked m if i knew how to curtsy and i tried my best in 6-inch heels and soon after eveyone dispersed. i think what makes me the most shocked out of everything is the fact that k said people knew who she was talking about when she mentioned "the girl in the cage".....i honestly didn't think anyone really was paying attention to me.....so i was suprised that strangers remembered who i was. i was suprised that Master had me strip....but knowing He was near did make me feel so much better about eveything. As long as He is watching over me, i feel safe. i think i was lucky that Master had me do positions in the cage...they always calm and center me and i love showing or teaching subs/slaves about them, so i was thankful it was that. Goodness...i'm glad the cage wasn't any bigger, because the image of Master having me do pos.3 in front of a crowd just popped into me head and all i can say is....eekkk!!! lol Overall the scene in the cage was fun and interesting...not sure if it is something i would want to do over and over again, but i know that i would feel comfortable doing at least a couple of them. In the end, i was a little aroused but then again, that is never a bad thing either. i will write again soon about this visit and let you know what else happened!

Lead the way- Part III

i gingerly made my way forward yet again. Moving slowing so that the clamps wouldn't pull to hard and Master was kind enough to allow me to move slowly at first. It felt really awkward really....i had to really concentrate on allowing my body to move as smoothly as possible....i tried to let the flow of my movements show, even though i was hindered in a way. Slowly but surely i gained more confidence and soon i was able to get used to crawling in that manner. At one point in time, Master had k make me crawl for her. That was fun actually. i know k and i trust her so i felt pretty comfortable. As we went through training, k had me learn a couple of new commands. Such as if she said a key word, i was to stop and go into pos 4 with my hands behind my back. Simple ones really although trying to absorb everything at once was a challenge. At one point in time, k had me meow like a cat! lol i didn't find that erotic but i did think it was kind of funny. After that, Master once again took control and led me back and forth crawling.....examining my every movement, how high my head was and if my crawling pleased Him. i was very thankful to be learning leash training and it was fun yet also very nerve-wracking. i didn't want to make a mistake or forget anything so i had to concentrate very hard on what i was doing. Now here comes the really hard part. Master had me stand up. With the clamps and leather strings attached, i was standing but my back was bent a little and so were my knees. Needless to say, this made me feel very very awkward. i had the sinking feeling in my stomach what Master wanted me to do but nothing could prepare me for it.

He told me to walk....like that....across His living room and back. i froze.....every part of me screamed in rebellion and uncertainty. i honestly felt, with every part of me, that i could not do this. i even said so to Master. But my limits are for Him to decide and within myself, i knew i would never use my safeword. (barring a physical problems, something that triggers extremely negative feelings or real fear.) i shut my eyes...still frozen on the spot...wanting to cry, to beg, for this not to happen. i shut my eyes and dug deep. i had to work past my own feelings....not disregard them but find a way past them. i had to center on my submission and even with the embarrassment and uncertainty swirling within me, i found the strength to do as Master commanded me. Humiliation had not yet entered the picture but with the first step, it made itself apparent. i tried to walk with as much grace as i could muster, knowing that it still wasn't enough. i felt....stripped. Really, truly naked more so than i have in a long time and so extremely humbled. i kept my head facing down, my movements slow and precise. Some might think i would make a run for it but 2 things. One, that would really really hurt. lol Number 2- if i ran, Master would probably have me do it all over again- after He re-applied the clamps and such. Now here is the really cool part. Even though by the time i got back to Master, M and k i felt thoroughly humiliated, i was also happy. i had done what was asked and i think Master really knew how hard it was for me, even without me saying anything. M and k i am sure knew it was hard- but Master knows my soft spots and what i have such a hard time handling. After all was said and done, Master had me kneel in pos.4. He then took the nipple clamps off and rubbed them i squealed- i'll admit it. lol Rubbing also makes it worse but i can never help the desire to lean into His hand when He does. Then He told me to lay back so He could take the clams off the lips of my cu*t. i asked Him if they could just stay there...they were comfortable and all i could think that if the nipples hurt that bad, i was truly not looking forward to the clamps on my cu*t coming off. who could blame me though?!? lol But it wasn't that bad....maybe because they weren't on that tight or maybe because i pulled my nipples more than my lips...who knows. While i was laying down, at some point in time Master got the stinger out of His room and decided then to apply it. The first time i squealed and jumped....the second time He ran it down the back of my leg and i managed to keep my legs still. Master was very proud of me and in a way, so was i. After i was allowed to sit back up, Master gave me a choice. More of the stinger or the nipple clamps re-applied. Guess which i chose? lol M and k sucked in a breath and made the comment that that would hurt even more the second time, more since they just came off a couple of minutes earlier. i honestly didn't care....i wanted to avoid the stinger at all costs. Which makes me think what Master would have to give me a choice between, in which i would choose the stinger. (Provided Master saw fit to give me a choice that is) The stinger does arouse me as i have said before, however, my mind has yet to catch up with my body in that regard. Maybe one day or with more exposure it will happen. But at that time, i felt stretched as it was and wasn't sure i could handle the stinger. So Master put the nipple clamps on as well as weights. (Thank You Sir!) Anything with my nipples...mmm...i am not sure if something could hurt enough. (i say that and i know that there is something out there- i am sure of it lol) Even the stinger has that wonderful pleasure/pain aspect on my nipples. After the weights had been applied, it was back to leash training....going faster and faster...each step was tortuous yet had that arousing sensation to it. But soon, it started to turn into pain....and with that came the tightening of my face and body. Soon i was being instructed to keep my face and body relaxed. That even if it hurt i should appear as graceful as possible. i found myself slipping on my own control. i wanted it to end, simple as that. It was pushing my boundaries and tolerance of pain...mostly because the pain never stopped....i didn't get a break from it. But i tried so hard....i would be walking toward Master and look at His face. i would see His eyes calculating not only how i was moving but i am also sure gaging how much more i could take. After a few minutes of this, Master told me i could stop and He told k she could remove the clamps. she took them off but didn't rub them and even sympathized with the pain. After all was said and done, Master gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me that i was a good girl. Everyone said that i had done a wonderful job and for some reason, i can't remember why, but i went into the kitchen and started cleaning or something. i was pretty far gone but tried to make myself useful. Yeah...not the best idea. i think that is why there is something called aftercare. i remember k coming in and asked me how i was doing. i remember looking down and telling her i was fine and she went back into the living room. she must have seen something or heard something in my face and voice because the next thing i knew, Master was there. He asked me if i was okay....i looked down, not wanting to face Him as tears started to fill my eyes. He very gently took my face in His hand and lifted it up. i know my mouth was trembling, i knew He saw the tears there. He asked me what was the matter...His voice gentle, soothing and just so kind and caring that that caring.....became my undoing. i told Him that it was hard and i saw understanding in His eyes. He hugged me and i just let the tears go. Even though there had been laughter when k took off the clamps and i was smiling after everything was over, i still felt raw. Having quite a few of my defenses ripped away (whether i realized them or not- like being graceful...after this i realized that me concentrating on being graceful even under pressure was a way to guard myself) had quite the effect on me. So there i was, standing in Master's kitchen, crying but trying to be quiet about it and He would just hold me. From time to time He would pull back and just look at my face, for what i had no idea but then Master would smile and gently kiss me. He reminded me how proud He was of me and that i should also be proud of myself. i told Him that i was and thanked Him. i couldn't really get out why i needed to cry so much but it felt good to do. Feeling small and defenseless felt.....i still don't have a word for it yet. But it was good and i know that i was able to feel that way because i knew i was safe, that i could break down and He would be there, that Master would understand and that i was cared for. After i calmed down (which didn't take too long) i finished whatever i was doing....(still out of it think-lol) and went back into the living room. M and k asked me if i was okay and i can't remember if Master or i responded but one of us told them i was okay. Soon M and k soon had to leave so we all exchanged hugs (and handshakes) and all agreed it was a fun night.

Lead the way - Part II

The black leather collar. i felt it snug and warm against my skin. Master had placed it over my slave collar, as part of the training i was to receive. He told k that he wanted her to watch, to critique and make suggestions about my posture and how i walked. Before i the leash was attached though, Master decided to also put on the black leather wrist and ankle cuffs. Oh wow....it had been a little while since i was allowed to wear them and i was so anxious to have them on. Master got the wrist cuffs on and then had me lay pack on the couch in position 7. It was easier for Him to reach my ankles that way and as He had the first one halfway on, the puppy needed to go out. So there i was, laying on the couch in pos.7, naked, cu*t showing to the whole world and M and k standing beside the couch. i was momentarily nervous about that but soon just laughed and asked them how they were doing. lol i know my tone was a bit rueful, yet also amused. It was just that i found Master having to leave a couple of times during this process a little funny...that and the comments He was making about it. lol But i lied there patiently until Master was able to return and finish putting on the cuffs. Once that was accomplished, He started on leash training. At first this was easy...all i needed to do was walk behind Him. Then the suggestions from k and being told by Master on how to correct my walk hit. Then it got harder. "lift your feet higher when you walk" "sway your hips a bit more" "pay attention" "keep the leash taut" "put your hands behind your back..no not like that, one on top of the other" "keep your head high" "back straight" Whew...i didn't realize how hard it really would be. lol But in the end, Master was confident that i was walking the way i should, although He did look back every now and then just to make sure. During this time well...i really enjoyed it. i found being on a leash a bit erotic...something about being led around by Master and quite frankly....the image of Master's back to me, holding the leash, knowing i was attached to it was pretty hot. Also, having to pay strict attention to every part of my body and to the leash at the same time brought my submission to Master to a higher level. i have never, in my life, concentrated so hard on a piece of fabric (the leash) so hard in my life!! Looking at it was the way i could tell if Master was slowing down or if i was going too fast. The minute i would see it start to lose tension, i immediately slowed down. Stopping wasn't that easy either. The whole entire time was just...wow. Then Master handed the leash to k so He could watch me walk back and forth across the room. i didn't really mind being led by k. Indeed, i liked knowing that Master would fix anything He didn't like and k leading me around was fun in it's own way. (too bad she stayed clothed....::grin:: lol) After Master had critiqued my walk and i came back to His feet, He decided that i should crawl for M and k. M made the comment that my hips swayed a little much (or something like that) and k said i crawled like a feline...however, Master said that He loved the way i crawled which i must admit made me happy. Knowing that He was pleased gave me additional confidence with my crawling. After i had once again returned to Master, He went off into His room. What He was going to get i had no clue but i soon found out when He returned. Master had told me many times that He was interested in crawl training. i think i took it for granted that since He liked the way i crawled, i would never go through it. Guess again! lol Not only was i going to go through it, M and k were there to watch! Master's crawl training consisted of 4 nipple clamps. 1 attached to each of my nipples and then 1 attached to each lip of my cu*t. To make things more interesting, they all were attached to my wrist and ankles cuffs. Each one separately...so that if i moved my hand forward too much, i would pull on my nipples. If my legs trailed too far back, the same result. Only on my cu*t lips. Getting the clamps and the leather string attached was really......interesting. lol i had to get into a crawl position and hold it....each arm extended and my legs. Goodness....i felt pretty exposed really and that coil of anticipation and nervousness became tightly wound. i started wondering what this was going to be like, if i would have trouble doing it at first. i felt a little bit of plaything and despite my initial embarrassment, my arousal level was building. Or maybe because of the situation i was in....or it could have been the clamps....as long as i did not move they felt okay. After all was said and done, i sat kneeling at Master's feet when He gave the command..... "crawl." Light and easy was His tone and i started to crawl as i always do. The first sharp bit of unexpected pain had me cringing back....no longer sure of what i was doing. my confidence was removed as i became the humble student. "Crawl!" Master said, His tone clipped and harsher than before. i knew in His hand He held a cane...crop...i honestly cannot remember. What i do remember is that i did not want Him to use it on me....He shouldn't have to in this situation....i am to obey Him. That train of thought brought me into realization of my submission and i took a deep breath and slowly started forward.

Lead the way

M and k came over for dinner. This was something that we all were looking forward to and i was chopping vegetables when they knocked on the door. Master answered the door and i heard the hellos and then the sound of everyone walking into the kitchen. i turned, say k and M and went over to give them both a hug. Of course i turned back to my chopping duties while everyone started talking. Always interesting conversation filled with numerous topics. One of the really cool things is that Master opened a bottle of wine. And not just any bottle but the bottle He bought a year ago when He flew to see me for the first time. He has never opened it, just waited for a special occasion. So that was very sweet and the wine tasted lovely as well, so that was an added bonus. lol As all of us talked, Master and i prepared dinner. Steak, scallops, shrimp, homemade mashed potatoes, salad....so very very yummy. That and apple pie and ice cream for dessert. While we were eating, i asked Master if i could please use the dishwasher for all the plates and such. i even stated to M and k that i know Master could always make me do them by hand but that i always hope that i don't have to whenever we have a big dinner. However i am sure that one day......lol. Back to the subject. Master had told me before the dinner started that He had plans but He would not inform me of what they were. Being honest, i knew that something was going to happen but i had somehow put it in the back of my mind. M was standing at the other end of Master's breakfast bar, k was petting the new puppy and i was standing next to Master when He dropped the bomb. Master simply looked at me and told me to strip. i paused for about half a second and then took of my clothes. One by one and carefully folded them up. M made a comment that made me giggle and i started to laugh when Master pointed out that k hadn't noticed that i was taking off my clothes. Well, needless to say, k popped up rather quickly which sent us all into laughter. So there i was, naked except for heels. i feel really comfortable though....being naked around M and k is something that feels normal in a way. i remember walking into the area where Master has His computer and such while He was speaking with M and k. It was then i found out that Master's plan for me that evening was to start on leash training. It was something He and i had discussed before and i was excited to try it. i honestly thought that i couldn't be that hard to do and that my biggest challenge would be staying far enough away from Master so that the leash stayed taut. Little did i know how i would be challenged before the night was through.

When Vanilla Comes First

i'm baaaack! lol Actually i have been back for a few days but have been unable to write for school obligations must come first. This visit to Master proved to be interesting in many regards. Sometimes the vanilla world must come first and so it was with this visit to Sir. There were so many things happening that i think Master and i both ran out of energy, mentally and physically. You see, Master got a new puppy. The puppy is adorable, cute and very very energetic to say the least. lol That and the puppy is still being house trained. So between the frequent bathroom visits outside (including waking up in the middle of the night) and lots of play time and fussing over him, i think the puppy wore us both out! So to add to that, i was in the middle of learning something at school which was extremely difficult. Master helped me out so much and i was thanking Him all weekend. Without Him, i doubt i would have even been able to start on my homework, let alone finish it. But He and i ended up spending little over 9 hours in 3 days working on my assignment. And that was just working on my assignment, not the questions i ended up asking at His home about it. That and the other homework i had to complete. Master said that my homework came first and i must agree that it did this visit. But even in the midst off all things that were happening, Master and i were still able to find some time to sit back and relax. From my perspective, i was just happy that i was able to be in Master's presence all weekend, even if i was sitting at my laptop typing away for school. M and k did come over one night for dinner, which i will write about soon. Master decided to start me on some new training and i ended up being pushed in a way i had not expected, which had some rather interesting results of me crying in His kitchen. That and i have in mind to write about something else that happened or rather what i was thinking when i was doing it. Full of mysteries aren't i?

One year in the making

Only a week left until i am to go back to Master! The emotions and thoughts that that brings are certainly that of a variety. See, this visit will be of significance. Not only will it be practically Valentine's Day, it will also be one year to the day, that i first met Master in r/l. One year already.....how time flies. Sometimes that passage of time seems like it was yesterday and sometimes it seems like we have known each other longer than that. i look back on myself.....and the changes are so immense. Not only on the outside but the inside. Focusing on the outside for a moment, when i fist met Master, my hair was short and i was pale as ghost. Now i stay lightly tanned and my hair is long. Okay, so not so much on the outside. lol But on the inside....goodness that is plenty. On the inside there has been personal growth as well as growth as a slave. i have learned so much about myself. Some things i am still working on, some i have done rather well with. But here is a list of things that i have learned, experienced and still need to learn (or to a better extent).

1 Year in the making....the things i have learned

~ It is okay to cry. i still have problems with that....for me, in some ways, crying is more intimate that sex. i guess because i feel so vulnerable and small. When i feel like that, i just want to be held and protected. i have learned that Master will be there if and when that happens and that i can trust Him to give me that center i may need so badly. i have learned that it takes strength to open myself like that....turns out i may not have been as strong as i once thought.

~ How to really enjoy sex. Sounds a little weird i know but it is true. Before i met Master, sex was probably the most disgusting thing a person could do. lol But, through careful thought (and a lot of patience) on Master's part, i slowly came out of the protective shell i once was in. Truth be told, i was afraid of the intimacy of it all. Afraid i wasn't any good at it, that i wasn't very pleasing, afriad of letting someone in on that level. Now i embrace it, still learning more about my sexual self but have gained confidence in many ways.

~ Patience. Okay, still working on that one. lol But getting better with time.

~ How to watch how i say something. i used to have a really bad 24/7 case of open mouth insert foot. Now i think a bit more carefully about what i say. Even if i am joking around with Master, i have come to learn that "point", which not to cross. Master will tolerate my occasional spurts of being a smart-ass and slightly bratty but i have learned that that tolerance is usually short lived. lol Which is something i have come to appreciate. i like knowing that Master has limits with that and will put me back in place if i step out of line. (Besides what He finds amusing at the moment) Obviously, i try very hard not to give into to those impulses very often.

~ Begging. Hmm...when i first started to get the idea of begging, my micro-managing, over analytical mind broke begging down to semantics. Begging because i needed something...well...that was a little hard. i'm usually of the mindset that there is very little i need in the way of life. So it was hard to find that space inside my head. The first time i actually begged Master for something, it was because it was something that i wanted and i needed to let Him know that. i needed to let Him know that i was genuine in my request and i wanted to please Him by doing so. So in a way, my want was all surrounded by a need and a want. Hope that makes sense. lol Once i was able to clear that up, i then was able to find that space. Without feeling guilty. Which brings me to my next point.

~ Not to feel guilty of asking for something i want. Whether it be a vibe (haven't asked for that one yet...hmmmm lol) candy (i have a sweet tooth) or really my most addicting indulgence, asking Master if i may please have permission to suck His co*k. Asking for something that i want or something i want to do is perfectly okay, as long as it is done in a respectable fashion. i may not always get permission but asking does not make me selfish or greedy or anything like that. It took me a while to ask Master if i may suck His co*k the first time....but i was allowed the privilege so i was really happy to be able to serve Him in that manner.

~ S/m. Breaking that down, there are toys Master has that i do not personally care for....that doesn't matter but i am just saying. lol Some we have not tried and they make me nervous. The one toy He has in His collection that drives me up the wall would be that stinger of His. Ouchies.....the thing works wonders on wet skin and i keep having images of Master bringing a bowl of water to bed or something. It pushes my boundaries of pain but even though my brain is going "no no" my body seems to go "yes yes". That thing can make me cry pretty easily. i have also learned that when Master mixes up toys quickly, i lean on Him (figuratively speaking) pretty heavily. In a way, i like being pushed to that extent because at that time, i do not have a lot of time for thought, only reactions. If you can't think about your reactions you can't hide them. Not saying that i do that but i have caught myself in the past editing myself. What else...ahh yes. Other toys that i love. i know that they are going to hurt but i crave them anyways. Never thought about that a year ago. Never really thought about it period....it was one of those things that i really wasn't sure about in the beginning. Even then, Master moved slow with me, giving me good experiences before starting to push my boundaries.

~ Bondage. Okay, i am a bondage slut. Big bondage slut. Something about being tied up makes me go all fuzzy inside. When Master ties me up, it is a myriad of emotions within me. i feel nervous, aroused, humbled, very submissive and owned. As i have stated before, Master is the first person ever to tie me up and i look back and see how hard that pushed me and how far i have come from that point. A long long way.

~ How submissive i am. Before i begun this journey with Master, i still didn't really understand what being submissive even meant. i knew how i felt but i did not have a title to go with it, or a way to express it. my inital thoughts were close but Master gave me so much insight into submission and in doing so, into myself. Thus my journey started in earnest and i now proudly wear the title slave.

~ To submit. Okay, this was harder than i thought it would be at first. The first time i submitted to Master in r/l was the first time He tied me up. i felt the beginning edges of panic but trusted in Him, leaned on Him and submitted to what He wanted to do because it pleased Him. What an eye opener that was! Not only to submit in that manner but to also submit on a daily basis. Like not masturbating, doing my daily and nightly ritual. By thinking about what He would want me to do, when i am not with Him and what decision would best serve and please Master. Since then i have always strive to go deeper within my submission....ways to show my submission to Him at all times.

~ How to open up. To be emotional. How to show my emotions and not run from them. Because of this, in this past year, i have become a softer person. More romantic, not so afraid of showing someone that side of me. Now, those silly, romantic, fun moments are something i cherish.

~ To trust. This one....well....was really very hard. Being truthful, i trusted Master as first but not a deep level. i did not know Him well enough to do that. That took time and within that time, i began to trust Him with the hidden part of myself. The emotions that Master knows are there, but not shown very often. The fears and hopes that i have, for my future. i trust Him with the part of me that gives unconditionally and without reservation. Only Master has that right in my life, it is one of the freedoms i have within our dynamic. Come to think of it, Master has rights no one else has ever had. But it all lies within trust.

With things i still need to work on. Hmm, i think that is a touchy discussion within ones self. To say that i could improve upon something but not down myself for it. Or think that i am not doing good enough as a slave. i think that requires that i take a step back and look at myself. i think within my place as slave there are a couple of things i could improve upon.

~ my posture. Sometimes i find myself slouching and even though i do correct myself immediatly, i think that i could better work on keeping my posture correct at all times.

~ Defending myself. Yeah..i am actually really bad with that. Master and i have spoken where numerous times He just waits for that "but" to escape my lips. Sometimes He laughs at it but i really think this is something i need to work on. i see it as a form of acceptance. i should not explain myself unless it is A) requested of me or B) it is of grave import. Just saying "but" to just add on to the conversation is something that, i personally, think isn't within my place. If Master has something He wants to tell me, or He is giving me an example where i could have done better, i should accept, without adding anything, that this is something that i could do better with. Master isn't doing it to insult me or say that i am a bad slave, He is doing it because He cares for me and He wants to help me learn.

~ Still needing to work on opening up and becoming more emotional. This really is a hard one for me.....i know that a lot of people never intend to hurt you....but that it will probably happen anyways. The thing to focus on is knowing the difference between non-intentional vs intentional. i am aware of this and goodness knows i have apologized more than enough times for things i have done or thought i have done. Some part of me is just wary....maybe i am a bit more jaded than i thought.....and i really don't like that. Makes me feel yucky inside. ::sigh::

~ Saying sorry all the time. This is something that Master and i have had discussions about before and He is right to correct me. Just another thing that i think i really need to change and although i do try, sometimes the words slip right out anyways.

~ my service to Master. Now, i am not saying that Master isn't pleased with what i have accomplished or how hard i try. From what He has told me, it is quite the opposite really. But, taking into account something from our last visit. i told Master that i was looking for ways to better serve Him. He brought up making coffee. Although i do make the coffee every morning, it would be more beneficial to Him if i were to start making His coffee before He wakes up. Which means when i wake up before Him (even if it is 6:15am), i should get up, feed His dogs and make His coffee. He and i discussed that He would probably wake up...but that He doesn't mind. He would rather wake up to coffee than have to wait for me to make it. This is just an example of how i might fine tune ways i serve Him already. In so doing i serve Him better which in turn makes me feel happy and content.

~ Overall communication. i can speak with Master, answer any questions He might have and joke around. However, when it comes to my fantasies, what i would like to try and emotions, i clam up. With fantasies, i am always nervous that maybe what i am thinking about it intense and heavy. With what i would like to try, i don't want to seem pushy. With my emotions, well...i am working on that one. It is my duty to Master as His slave to tell Him all of these things. i keep in mind that my only job is to be honest with Him and that it is within His power to act on any of it. Still isn't very easy, more since i am pretty shy. Even though i am working on my communication, it is still something i see that could use much improvement.

~ Consistency. Okay, Master brought this up last night actually. See, i thought that i would have this blog entry done by Sunday but sure enough, i wasn't finished. Not even by monday. Master told me that it would have been better of me to tell Him right off that i would not be able to get it done by His time limit instead of saying "no problem Sir, it will be posted tonight". In other words i should not tell Him what i think he wants to hear but what is in fact the probable outcome. He also told me that i have been doing this more and more frequently....it makes me feel bad that this has been happening.

Well, i think i may have covered all of the bases of things i feel as though i still need to work on. Actually, the list is a little shorter than i thought it would be be but the subjects i feel are important ones. A year in the making. Although i am sure that there are things Master sees that could use improvement, these are ones that popped into my head. No one likes admitting that they have faults or that they are lacking in something they feel they should be doing but to say that i am perfect...well...yeah. lol i strive for it, i look to become more and more each day but ultimately, i will never be perfect. i am just thankful that Master does not expect perfection from me, only that i constantly try my best. Wow, one year. my only wish is that there will be more years in store for me as Master's slave.