Lead the way- Part III

i gingerly made my way forward yet again. Moving slowing so that the clamps wouldn't pull to hard and Master was kind enough to allow me to move slowly at first. It felt really awkward really....i had to really concentrate on allowing my body to move as smoothly as possible....i tried to let the flow of my movements show, even though i was hindered in a way. Slowly but surely i gained more confidence and soon i was able to get used to crawling in that manner. At one point in time, Master had k make me crawl for her. That was fun actually. i know k and i trust her so i felt pretty comfortable. As we went through training, k had me learn a couple of new commands. Such as if she said a key word, i was to stop and go into pos 4 with my hands behind my back. Simple ones really although trying to absorb everything at once was a challenge. At one point in time, k had me meow like a cat! lol i didn't find that erotic but i did think it was kind of funny. After that, Master once again took control and led me back and forth crawling.....examining my every movement, how high my head was and if my crawling pleased Him. i was very thankful to be learning leash training and it was fun yet also very nerve-wracking. i didn't want to make a mistake or forget anything so i had to concentrate very hard on what i was doing. Now here comes the really hard part. Master had me stand up. With the clamps and leather strings attached, i was standing but my back was bent a little and so were my knees. Needless to say, this made me feel very very awkward. i had the sinking feeling in my stomach what Master wanted me to do but nothing could prepare me for it.

He told me to walk....like that....across His living room and back. i froze.....every part of me screamed in rebellion and uncertainty. i honestly felt, with every part of me, that i could not do this. i even said so to Master. But my limits are for Him to decide and within myself, i knew i would never use my safeword. (barring a physical problems, something that triggers extremely negative feelings or real fear.) i shut my eyes...still frozen on the spot...wanting to cry, to beg, for this not to happen. i shut my eyes and dug deep. i had to work past my own feelings....not disregard them but find a way past them. i had to center on my submission and even with the embarrassment and uncertainty swirling within me, i found the strength to do as Master commanded me. Humiliation had not yet entered the picture but with the first step, it made itself apparent. i tried to walk with as much grace as i could muster, knowing that it still wasn't enough. i felt....stripped. Really, truly naked more so than i have in a long time and so extremely humbled. i kept my head facing down, my movements slow and precise. Some might think i would make a run for it but 2 things. One, that would really really hurt. lol Number 2- if i ran, Master would probably have me do it all over again- after He re-applied the clamps and such. Now here is the really cool part. Even though by the time i got back to Master, M and k i felt thoroughly humiliated, i was also happy. i had done what was asked and i think Master really knew how hard it was for me, even without me saying anything. M and k i am sure knew it was hard- but Master knows my soft spots and what i have such a hard time handling. After all was said and done, Master had me kneel in pos.4. He then took the nipple clamps off and rubbed them i squealed- i'll admit it. lol Rubbing also makes it worse but i can never help the desire to lean into His hand when He does. Then He told me to lay back so He could take the clams off the lips of my cu*t. i asked Him if they could just stay there...they were comfortable and all i could think that if the nipples hurt that bad, i was truly not looking forward to the clamps on my cu*t coming off. who could blame me though?!? lol But it wasn't that bad....maybe because they weren't on that tight or maybe because i pulled my nipples more than my lips...who knows. While i was laying down, at some point in time Master got the stinger out of His room and decided then to apply it. The first time i squealed and jumped....the second time He ran it down the back of my leg and i managed to keep my legs still. Master was very proud of me and in a way, so was i. After i was allowed to sit back up, Master gave me a choice. More of the stinger or the nipple clamps re-applied. Guess which i chose? lol M and k sucked in a breath and made the comment that that would hurt even more the second time, more since they just came off a couple of minutes earlier. i honestly didn't care....i wanted to avoid the stinger at all costs. Which makes me think what Master would have to give me a choice between, in which i would choose the stinger. (Provided Master saw fit to give me a choice that is) The stinger does arouse me as i have said before, however, my mind has yet to catch up with my body in that regard. Maybe one day or with more exposure it will happen. But at that time, i felt stretched as it was and wasn't sure i could handle the stinger. So Master put the nipple clamps on as well as weights. (Thank You Sir!) Anything with my nipples...mmm...i am not sure if something could hurt enough. (i say that and i know that there is something out there- i am sure of it lol) Even the stinger has that wonderful pleasure/pain aspect on my nipples. After the weights had been applied, it was back to leash training....going faster and faster...each step was tortuous yet had that arousing sensation to it. But soon, it started to turn into pain....and with that came the tightening of my face and body. Soon i was being instructed to keep my face and body relaxed. That even if it hurt i should appear as graceful as possible. i found myself slipping on my own control. i wanted it to end, simple as that. It was pushing my boundaries and tolerance of pain...mostly because the pain never stopped....i didn't get a break from it. But i tried so hard....i would be walking toward Master and look at His face. i would see His eyes calculating not only how i was moving but i am also sure gaging how much more i could take. After a few minutes of this, Master told me i could stop and He told k she could remove the clamps. she took them off but didn't rub them and even sympathized with the pain. After all was said and done, Master gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me that i was a good girl. Everyone said that i had done a wonderful job and for some reason, i can't remember why, but i went into the kitchen and started cleaning or something. i was pretty far gone but tried to make myself useful. Yeah...not the best idea. i think that is why there is something called aftercare. i remember k coming in and asked me how i was doing. i remember looking down and telling her i was fine and she went back into the living room. she must have seen something or heard something in my face and voice because the next thing i knew, Master was there. He asked me if i was okay....i looked down, not wanting to face Him as tears started to fill my eyes. He very gently took my face in His hand and lifted it up. i know my mouth was trembling, i knew He saw the tears there. He asked me what was the matter...His voice gentle, soothing and just so kind and caring that that caring.....became my undoing. i told Him that it was hard and i saw understanding in His eyes. He hugged me and i just let the tears go. Even though there had been laughter when k took off the clamps and i was smiling after everything was over, i still felt raw. Having quite a few of my defenses ripped away (whether i realized them or not- like being graceful...after this i realized that me concentrating on being graceful even under pressure was a way to guard myself) had quite the effect on me. So there i was, standing in Master's kitchen, crying but trying to be quiet about it and He would just hold me. From time to time He would pull back and just look at my face, for what i had no idea but then Master would smile and gently kiss me. He reminded me how proud He was of me and that i should also be proud of myself. i told Him that i was and thanked Him. i couldn't really get out why i needed to cry so much but it felt good to do. Feeling small and defenseless felt.....i still don't have a word for it yet. But it was good and i know that i was able to feel that way because i knew i was safe, that i could break down and He would be there, that Master would understand and that i was cared for. After i calmed down (which didn't take too long) i finished whatever i was doing....(still out of it think-lol) and went back into the living room. M and k asked me if i was okay and i can't remember if Master or i responded but one of us told them i was okay. Soon M and k soon had to leave so we all exchanged hugs (and handshakes) and all agreed it was a fun night.

Lead the way - Part II

The black leather collar. i felt it snug and warm against my skin. Master had placed it over my slave collar, as part of the training i was to receive. He told k that he wanted her to watch, to critique and make suggestions about my posture and how i walked. Before i the leash was attached though, Master decided to also put on the black leather wrist and ankle cuffs. Oh wow....it had been a little while since i was allowed to wear them and i was so anxious to have them on. Master got the wrist cuffs on and then had me lay pack on the couch in position 7. It was easier for Him to reach my ankles that way and as He had the first one halfway on, the puppy needed to go out. So there i was, laying on the couch in pos.7, naked, cu*t showing to the whole world and M and k standing beside the couch. i was momentarily nervous about that but soon just laughed and asked them how they were doing. lol i know my tone was a bit rueful, yet also amused. It was just that i found Master having to leave a couple of times during this process a little funny...that and the comments He was making about it. lol But i lied there patiently until Master was able to return and finish putting on the cuffs. Once that was accomplished, He started on leash training. At first this was easy...all i needed to do was walk behind Him. Then the suggestions from k and being told by Master on how to correct my walk hit. Then it got harder. "lift your feet higher when you walk" "sway your hips a bit more" "pay attention" "keep the leash taut" "put your hands behind your back..no not like that, one on top of the other" "keep your head high" "back straight" Whew...i didn't realize how hard it really would be. lol But in the end, Master was confident that i was walking the way i should, although He did look back every now and then just to make sure. During this time well...i really enjoyed it. i found being on a leash a bit erotic...something about being led around by Master and quite frankly....the image of Master's back to me, holding the leash, knowing i was attached to it was pretty hot. Also, having to pay strict attention to every part of my body and to the leash at the same time brought my submission to Master to a higher level. i have never, in my life, concentrated so hard on a piece of fabric (the leash) so hard in my life!! Looking at it was the way i could tell if Master was slowing down or if i was going too fast. The minute i would see it start to lose tension, i immediately slowed down. Stopping wasn't that easy either. The whole entire time was just...wow. Then Master handed the leash to k so He could watch me walk back and forth across the room. i didn't really mind being led by k. Indeed, i liked knowing that Master would fix anything He didn't like and k leading me around was fun in it's own way. (too bad she stayed clothed....::grin:: lol) After Master had critiqued my walk and i came back to His feet, He decided that i should crawl for M and k. M made the comment that my hips swayed a little much (or something like that) and k said i crawled like a feline...however, Master said that He loved the way i crawled which i must admit made me happy. Knowing that He was pleased gave me additional confidence with my crawling. After i had once again returned to Master, He went off into His room. What He was going to get i had no clue but i soon found out when He returned. Master had told me many times that He was interested in crawl training. i think i took it for granted that since He liked the way i crawled, i would never go through it. Guess again! lol Not only was i going to go through it, M and k were there to watch! Master's crawl training consisted of 4 nipple clamps. 1 attached to each of my nipples and then 1 attached to each lip of my cu*t. To make things more interesting, they all were attached to my wrist and ankles cuffs. Each one separately...so that if i moved my hand forward too much, i would pull on my nipples. If my legs trailed too far back, the same result. Only on my cu*t lips. Getting the clamps and the leather string attached was really......interesting. lol i had to get into a crawl position and hold it....each arm extended and my legs. Goodness....i felt pretty exposed really and that coil of anticipation and nervousness became tightly wound. i started wondering what this was going to be like, if i would have trouble doing it at first. i felt a little bit of plaything and despite my initial embarrassment, my arousal level was building. Or maybe because of the situation i was in....or it could have been the clamps....as long as i did not move they felt okay. After all was said and done, i sat kneeling at Master's feet when He gave the command..... "crawl." Light and easy was His tone and i started to crawl as i always do. The first sharp bit of unexpected pain had me cringing back....no longer sure of what i was doing. my confidence was removed as i became the humble student. "Crawl!" Master said, His tone clipped and harsher than before. i knew in His hand He held a cane...crop...i honestly cannot remember. What i do remember is that i did not want Him to use it on me....He shouldn't have to in this situation....i am to obey Him. That train of thought brought me into realization of my submission and i took a deep breath and slowly started forward.

Lead the way

M and k came over for dinner. This was something that we all were looking forward to and i was chopping vegetables when they knocked on the door. Master answered the door and i heard the hellos and then the sound of everyone walking into the kitchen. i turned, say k and M and went over to give them both a hug. Of course i turned back to my chopping duties while everyone started talking. Always interesting conversation filled with numerous topics. One of the really cool things is that Master opened a bottle of wine. And not just any bottle but the bottle He bought a year ago when He flew to see me for the first time. He has never opened it, just waited for a special occasion. So that was very sweet and the wine tasted lovely as well, so that was an added bonus. lol As all of us talked, Master and i prepared dinner. Steak, scallops, shrimp, homemade mashed potatoes, salad....so very very yummy. That and apple pie and ice cream for dessert. While we were eating, i asked Master if i could please use the dishwasher for all the plates and such. i even stated to M and k that i know Master could always make me do them by hand but that i always hope that i don't have to whenever we have a big dinner. However i am sure that one day......lol. Back to the subject. Master had told me before the dinner started that He had plans but He would not inform me of what they were. Being honest, i knew that something was going to happen but i had somehow put it in the back of my mind. M was standing at the other end of Master's breakfast bar, k was petting the new puppy and i was standing next to Master when He dropped the bomb. Master simply looked at me and told me to strip. i paused for about half a second and then took of my clothes. One by one and carefully folded them up. M made a comment that made me giggle and i started to laugh when Master pointed out that k hadn't noticed that i was taking off my clothes. Well, needless to say, k popped up rather quickly which sent us all into laughter. So there i was, naked except for heels. i feel really comfortable though....being naked around M and k is something that feels normal in a way. i remember walking into the area where Master has His computer and such while He was speaking with M and k. It was then i found out that Master's plan for me that evening was to start on leash training. It was something He and i had discussed before and i was excited to try it. i honestly thought that i couldn't be that hard to do and that my biggest challenge would be staying far enough away from Master so that the leash stayed taut. Little did i know how i would be challenged before the night was through.

When Vanilla Comes First

i'm baaaack! lol Actually i have been back for a few days but have been unable to write for school obligations must come first. This visit to Master proved to be interesting in many regards. Sometimes the vanilla world must come first and so it was with this visit to Sir. There were so many things happening that i think Master and i both ran out of energy, mentally and physically. You see, Master got a new puppy. The puppy is adorable, cute and very very energetic to say the least. lol That and the puppy is still being house trained. So between the frequent bathroom visits outside (including waking up in the middle of the night) and lots of play time and fussing over him, i think the puppy wore us both out! So to add to that, i was in the middle of learning something at school which was extremely difficult. Master helped me out so much and i was thanking Him all weekend. Without Him, i doubt i would have even been able to start on my homework, let alone finish it. But He and i ended up spending little over 9 hours in 3 days working on my assignment. And that was just working on my assignment, not the questions i ended up asking at His home about it. That and the other homework i had to complete. Master said that my homework came first and i must agree that it did this visit. But even in the midst off all things that were happening, Master and i were still able to find some time to sit back and relax. From my perspective, i was just happy that i was able to be in Master's presence all weekend, even if i was sitting at my laptop typing away for school. M and k did come over one night for dinner, which i will write about soon. Master decided to start me on some new training and i ended up being pushed in a way i had not expected, which had some rather interesting results of me crying in His kitchen. That and i have in mind to write about something else that happened or rather what i was thinking when i was doing it. Full of mysteries aren't i?

One year in the making

Only a week left until i am to go back to Master! The emotions and thoughts that that brings are certainly that of a variety. See, this visit will be of significance. Not only will it be practically Valentine's Day, it will also be one year to the day, that i first met Master in r/l. One year already.....how time flies. Sometimes that passage of time seems like it was yesterday and sometimes it seems like we have known each other longer than that. i look back on myself.....and the changes are so immense. Not only on the outside but the inside. Focusing on the outside for a moment, when i fist met Master, my hair was short and i was pale as ghost. Now i stay lightly tanned and my hair is long. Okay, so not so much on the outside. lol But on the inside....goodness that is plenty. On the inside there has been personal growth as well as growth as a slave. i have learned so much about myself. Some things i am still working on, some i have done rather well with. But here is a list of things that i have learned, experienced and still need to learn (or to a better extent).

1 Year in the making....the things i have learned

~ It is okay to cry. i still have problems with that....for me, in some ways, crying is more intimate that sex. i guess because i feel so vulnerable and small. When i feel like that, i just want to be held and protected. i have learned that Master will be there if and when that happens and that i can trust Him to give me that center i may need so badly. i have learned that it takes strength to open myself like that....turns out i may not have been as strong as i once thought.

~ How to really enjoy sex. Sounds a little weird i know but it is true. Before i met Master, sex was probably the most disgusting thing a person could do. lol But, through careful thought (and a lot of patience) on Master's part, i slowly came out of the protective shell i once was in. Truth be told, i was afraid of the intimacy of it all. Afraid i wasn't any good at it, that i wasn't very pleasing, afriad of letting someone in on that level. Now i embrace it, still learning more about my sexual self but have gained confidence in many ways.

~ Patience. Okay, still working on that one. lol But getting better with time.

~ How to watch how i say something. i used to have a really bad 24/7 case of open mouth insert foot. Now i think a bit more carefully about what i say. Even if i am joking around with Master, i have come to learn that "point", which not to cross. Master will tolerate my occasional spurts of being a smart-ass and slightly bratty but i have learned that that tolerance is usually short lived. lol Which is something i have come to appreciate. i like knowing that Master has limits with that and will put me back in place if i step out of line. (Besides what He finds amusing at the moment) Obviously, i try very hard not to give into to those impulses very often.

~ Begging. Hmm...when i first started to get the idea of begging, my micro-managing, over analytical mind broke begging down to semantics. Begging because i needed something...well...that was a little hard. i'm usually of the mindset that there is very little i need in the way of life. So it was hard to find that space inside my head. The first time i actually begged Master for something, it was because it was something that i wanted and i needed to let Him know that. i needed to let Him know that i was genuine in my request and i wanted to please Him by doing so. So in a way, my want was all surrounded by a need and a want. Hope that makes sense. lol Once i was able to clear that up, i then was able to find that space. Without feeling guilty. Which brings me to my next point.

~ Not to feel guilty of asking for something i want. Whether it be a vibe (haven't asked for that one yet...hmmmm lol) candy (i have a sweet tooth) or really my most addicting indulgence, asking Master if i may please have permission to suck His co*k. Asking for something that i want or something i want to do is perfectly okay, as long as it is done in a respectable fashion. i may not always get permission but asking does not make me selfish or greedy or anything like that. It took me a while to ask Master if i may suck His co*k the first time....but i was allowed the privilege so i was really happy to be able to serve Him in that manner.

~ S/m. Breaking that down, there are toys Master has that i do not personally care for....that doesn't matter but i am just saying. lol Some we have not tried and they make me nervous. The one toy He has in His collection that drives me up the wall would be that stinger of His. Ouchies.....the thing works wonders on wet skin and i keep having images of Master bringing a bowl of water to bed or something. It pushes my boundaries of pain but even though my brain is going "no no" my body seems to go "yes yes". That thing can make me cry pretty easily. i have also learned that when Master mixes up toys quickly, i lean on Him (figuratively speaking) pretty heavily. In a way, i like being pushed to that extent because at that time, i do not have a lot of time for thought, only reactions. If you can't think about your reactions you can't hide them. Not saying that i do that but i have caught myself in the past editing myself. What else...ahh yes. Other toys that i love. i know that they are going to hurt but i crave them anyways. Never thought about that a year ago. Never really thought about it period....it was one of those things that i really wasn't sure about in the beginning. Even then, Master moved slow with me, giving me good experiences before starting to push my boundaries.

~ Bondage. Okay, i am a bondage slut. Big bondage slut. Something about being tied up makes me go all fuzzy inside. When Master ties me up, it is a myriad of emotions within me. i feel nervous, aroused, humbled, very submissive and owned. As i have stated before, Master is the first person ever to tie me up and i look back and see how hard that pushed me and how far i have come from that point. A long long way.

~ How submissive i am. Before i begun this journey with Master, i still didn't really understand what being submissive even meant. i knew how i felt but i did not have a title to go with it, or a way to express it. my inital thoughts were close but Master gave me so much insight into submission and in doing so, into myself. Thus my journey started in earnest and i now proudly wear the title slave.

~ To submit. Okay, this was harder than i thought it would be at first. The first time i submitted to Master in r/l was the first time He tied me up. i felt the beginning edges of panic but trusted in Him, leaned on Him and submitted to what He wanted to do because it pleased Him. What an eye opener that was! Not only to submit in that manner but to also submit on a daily basis. Like not masturbating, doing my daily and nightly ritual. By thinking about what He would want me to do, when i am not with Him and what decision would best serve and please Master. Since then i have always strive to go deeper within my submission....ways to show my submission to Him at all times.

~ How to open up. To be emotional. How to show my emotions and not run from them. Because of this, in this past year, i have become a softer person. More romantic, not so afraid of showing someone that side of me. Now, those silly, romantic, fun moments are something i cherish.

~ To trust. This one....well....was really very hard. Being truthful, i trusted Master as first but not a deep level. i did not know Him well enough to do that. That took time and within that time, i began to trust Him with the hidden part of myself. The emotions that Master knows are there, but not shown very often. The fears and hopes that i have, for my future. i trust Him with the part of me that gives unconditionally and without reservation. Only Master has that right in my life, it is one of the freedoms i have within our dynamic. Come to think of it, Master has rights no one else has ever had. But it all lies within trust.

With things i still need to work on. Hmm, i think that is a touchy discussion within ones self. To say that i could improve upon something but not down myself for it. Or think that i am not doing good enough as a slave. i think that requires that i take a step back and look at myself. i think within my place as slave there are a couple of things i could improve upon.

~ my posture. Sometimes i find myself slouching and even though i do correct myself immediatly, i think that i could better work on keeping my posture correct at all times.

~ Defending myself. Yeah..i am actually really bad with that. Master and i have spoken where numerous times He just waits for that "but" to escape my lips. Sometimes He laughs at it but i really think this is something i need to work on. i see it as a form of acceptance. i should not explain myself unless it is A) requested of me or B) it is of grave import. Just saying "but" to just add on to the conversation is something that, i personally, think isn't within my place. If Master has something He wants to tell me, or He is giving me an example where i could have done better, i should accept, without adding anything, that this is something that i could do better with. Master isn't doing it to insult me or say that i am a bad slave, He is doing it because He cares for me and He wants to help me learn.

~ Still needing to work on opening up and becoming more emotional. This really is a hard one for me.....i know that a lot of people never intend to hurt you....but that it will probably happen anyways. The thing to focus on is knowing the difference between non-intentional vs intentional. i am aware of this and goodness knows i have apologized more than enough times for things i have done or thought i have done. Some part of me is just wary....maybe i am a bit more jaded than i thought.....and i really don't like that. Makes me feel yucky inside. ::sigh::

~ Saying sorry all the time. This is something that Master and i have had discussions about before and He is right to correct me. Just another thing that i think i really need to change and although i do try, sometimes the words slip right out anyways.

~ my service to Master. Now, i am not saying that Master isn't pleased with what i have accomplished or how hard i try. From what He has told me, it is quite the opposite really. But, taking into account something from our last visit. i told Master that i was looking for ways to better serve Him. He brought up making coffee. Although i do make the coffee every morning, it would be more beneficial to Him if i were to start making His coffee before He wakes up. Which means when i wake up before Him (even if it is 6:15am), i should get up, feed His dogs and make His coffee. He and i discussed that He would probably wake up...but that He doesn't mind. He would rather wake up to coffee than have to wait for me to make it. This is just an example of how i might fine tune ways i serve Him already. In so doing i serve Him better which in turn makes me feel happy and content.

~ Overall communication. i can speak with Master, answer any questions He might have and joke around. However, when it comes to my fantasies, what i would like to try and emotions, i clam up. With fantasies, i am always nervous that maybe what i am thinking about it intense and heavy. With what i would like to try, i don't want to seem pushy. With my emotions, well...i am working on that one. It is my duty to Master as His slave to tell Him all of these things. i keep in mind that my only job is to be honest with Him and that it is within His power to act on any of it. Still isn't very easy, more since i am pretty shy. Even though i am working on my communication, it is still something i see that could use much improvement.

~ Consistency. Okay, Master brought this up last night actually. See, i thought that i would have this blog entry done by Sunday but sure enough, i wasn't finished. Not even by monday. Master told me that it would have been better of me to tell Him right off that i would not be able to get it done by His time limit instead of saying "no problem Sir, it will be posted tonight". In other words i should not tell Him what i think he wants to hear but what is in fact the probable outcome. He also told me that i have been doing this more and more frequently....it makes me feel bad that this has been happening.

Well, i think i may have covered all of the bases of things i feel as though i still need to work on. Actually, the list is a little shorter than i thought it would be be but the subjects i feel are important ones. A year in the making. Although i am sure that there are things Master sees that could use improvement, these are ones that popped into my head. No one likes admitting that they have faults or that they are lacking in something they feel they should be doing but to say that i am perfect...well...yeah. lol i strive for it, i look to become more and more each day but ultimately, i will never be perfect. i am just thankful that Master does not expect perfection from me, only that i constantly try my best. Wow, one year. my only wish is that there will be more years in store for me as Master's slave.

Gift

i have been given a gift by Master. i am off restriction for a week, although right now, 5 more days. Yay! lol It is a treat indeed that i have been a good girl and have been given permission to masturbate. Actually, i have to masturbate every day. i am such a lucky slave! Since i still follow my protocol by stripping every time i use the bathroom, i am to use no less than 2 of my bathroom breaks to masturbate for 2 to 3 minutes. i am to get myself as aroused as possible but i am never to cum during that time. Needless to say, by nightfall i am pretty aroused and antsy. Then, at the end of my night, instead of doing positions, i am allowed to masturbate. Master was kind enough to allow me to cum if i felt the need to. Something for which i am very grateful for! All of this sounded wonderful and then i ran across the last part of Master's instructions. During my masturbation, either during my bathroom breaks or at night, i am to repeat this mantra. i am Sir's wet cu*t, please use this wet cu*t. Which was a little difficult at first. Most of us are taught that saying the word cu*t, let alone using it to describe ones self or others, it extremely wrong. It is almost like an unspoken agreement between women, for the most part. So using that term for myself made me feel a little funny. Don't get me wrong, i have begged Master plenty of time to please use His slut's cu*t. But i have never referred to myself as one. Doing so made me feel like blushing yet, admittedly, i also became aroused. Repeating that mantra over and over had me falling into the mindset that of Sir's slut....and i had some rather arousing images come into my mind as well. Even though i have been doing this new ritual for two days, my mind still seems to seize up the first few seconds and i have to push back what i have been taught. But getting past it i am and hopefully by the end of my time off restriction i will be more comfortable with the phrase.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

It has been decided that i should start learning how to Dom other female subs/slaves. Eeekkk! lol It is very, very different. Many of the things Master did when we first met makes a bit more sense and looking at my training from His perspective is unique to say the least. i can now see what His view when He says that i have come very far and that He is proud of me. At first, i was pretty excited until i stopped and thought about the particulars of what responsible Dom/me does. It is different.....knowing what responsibilities are included in being a Domme and actually applying them are two very different things. That and i do not have a sadistic bone in my body....except for possibly nipples. i could do nipples....lol. i could see myself applying nipple clamps....but only because i love them so much myself. ::grin:: i see myself as more of a Domme that has another sub/slave do more of domestic services. Learning how to Dominant someone is almost like having a duel set of mindsets. The first and foremost is that of Master's slave, the second being the growing aspect of my own Dominant nature. i asked myself when this was first brought up how i was to find balance between the two. Finally i came to this conclusion. There is no balance and probably never will be. As much as i may enjoy the idea of learning how to Dominant another sub/slave in the verbal, emotional and mental aspects, i really see myself more of an "overseer". To make sure that another sub/slave is pleasing Master to the best of her ability. To be there to guide and mentor her, to be there if she has any questions of sorts. i see myself Dominating another women because either it pleases Master, or it is something that He has given me permission to do. In some ways this is confusing....lol. However, i am sure that within time everything will sort itself out. i am still rather excited about this type of exploration and it opens new doors for Master and i. i have sooo much to learn but i am willing and eager to do so. Chances are, i will write about this again as i continue to learn...just as Master did with my submission, i am sure that i will learn about this in baby steps. Which is a way i have found to be best.....thanks to Master i have learned how to be more patient. (Still learning but getting much better) All of this is how i feel right now but as with every thing, i am sure my opinions and thoughts will change as i experience and learn about this aspect of myself. So continue to look for updates as this part of my journey with Master unfolds.