Re-training

Today Sir had me start back with my butt plug training for our up coming visit. i am to put it in every time i do my meditation for 15 minutes, in the morning and at night. This morning was day 1 and although Sir has given me a couple of tasks to do with my butt plug, it had been a while since i had it in and just felt it there. It took a little bit to get it in and that feeling of being stretched was most apparent, yet enjoyable in it's own way. i wasn't going anywhere or doing anything so my mind was completely focused on my submission and the feeling of the plug in my ass. Somewhere around the 10 minute mark, my mind started to go in different directions. Part of me wanted to take it out, i think mostly because all i could do was feel the fullness without being able to move and the other part of me thought about what it felt like to move the plug in and out. i had to take a deep breath, re-focus myself and use my submission. i couldn't and wouldn't take the plug out, even though it felt a little uncomfortable and i definitely wasn't going to masturbate. i had in my mind that this is something Sir wanted me to do, even if it was a little uncomfortable at first. So i just stayed there kneeling and focused on my submission, what it meant to me, how it has grown and how thankful i am to have Sir to guide and teach me. The thought of Him using me popped into my mind which i tried to ignore....i have been thinking of servicing Him, submitting to His desires and how He uses me for His pleasure enough without the plug in. lol One thing that did cross my mind when thinking of how my submission has grown was exploring golden showers with Sir and how i look forward to exploring that further. i would say that i also thought of how my perception of submission has changed...well maybe not really changed but grown in it's understanding of what it means to me. So all of these thoughts were what i was concentrating on during my meditation. Re-starting my butt plug training is something that Sir desired me to do and i am very happy that i can please Him in this manner, by doing as i am told everyday, keeping up with my daily rituals and of course in any way that i can and in this case, my butt plug training during my meditation. More to unfold i am sure and i cannot wait until my visit!

Balance

i am writing this entry really about sex. Sort of anyways...more of the fact that something that Sir has been trying to instill within me has just clicked recently. As you have read, one of my fears is letting the physical become to important, to where the emotional and mental aspect of my submission to Sir takes a back seat to the physical. Well Sir has been patiently guiding me to realize and accept that enjoying the physical aspect of our dynamic in no way demeans how much i love to serve Him outside that realm. i will admit that my brain has been fighting Him on that, convinced that it was either one or the other. However, this past week Sir and i have had a few discussions about that which has helped greatly in my understanding. But also keep in mind that it is one thing to read or speak out it and another to actually experience it. This is where realization and acceptance comes into play. This past week or so i have been extremely horny and aroused, i am even that now actually while i am writing. lol i definitely have had sex on the brain, almost every time i lay down something pops into my head weather it be sex, or erotic pain (i miss getting spanked by Sir (SO much), servicing and pleasuring Him by sucking His cock and i honestly miss the cane....just thinking about that......again with my head going into the submissive gutter...see what i mean?) But even with all the physical and erotic thoughts running through my head, i get that immense rush of happiness and joy at the thought of cooking Him breakfast, bathing Him, giving Him massages, cleaning for Him and generally making His life easier and more comfortable. Thus i have found balance within myself. In a way, service to Him in the "domestic" manner and sexual manner are in the same realm. They both please Him and i love to serve and please Him in any way He allows. They both have their own unique emotional and mental aspects within them and one is just as important as the other. i suppose that because i recognize those differences in my own mindset is the reason why i have always separated the two. i have read some blogs where the submissive's mindset is the same whether she is washing the dishes or serving sexually and that is perfectly okay. i just can't do that. my mindset changes slightly when He desires for me to serve Him sexually vs washing His dishes. "changing gears" to fit the situation is probably the best way i could sum up my perception on that. The whole point is that even this past week where i have been horny enough to where it felt like all i was thinking about was sex, it wasn't all that i was thinking about when i stopped and thought about it. i thought plenty of times about my upcoming visit and how much i look forward to serving Him in the "domestic" matters and (of course) my asking Him His permission to become His slave. i think that in my mind the two aspects are starting to merge....slowly and carefully, but merging nonetheless. i don't think that "domestic" and sexual service will ever be approached the same in my mind...but being able to fully accept the physical side of my submission for what it is has enabled me to "let go" of some of my sexual shyness. Hopefully more will follow. Further growth, further understanding and acceptance...all of it taking place, just in it's own time.

Peek-a-boo

This entry today is about voyeurism and i am discovering that i may very well have a side of me that enjoys that. The reason why i am putting it in terms like that is because i have yet to actually experience watching people do anything sexual in r/l. To be honest i have only watched one real scene from a porn flick and i wasn't impressed....it looked staged, the reactions not real, which isn't very surprising but for goodness sakes, it was really boring!i got more aroused watching soft porn on Showtime...lol. Sir has very creatively brought out my exhibitionist side and now i am starting to realize that i have a voyeur side as well. Sir has had me play with myself in front of my mirror so i was watching myself but for some reason it never came across to me as a voyeur activity. It really has been only recently, since Sir has asked me about my fantasies with Him and dallas that i have played with the idea in my head of just watching dallas please Sir in any way. i must admit that i have found the idea of dallas servicing Sir in that manner very erotic and arousing. At first in every fantasy, it was dallas and i with Sir right in the middle or somewhere watching...either way He was definitely involved and He still is. It is just that now sometimes i think about dallas watching me suck Sir's cock (she once said she would enjoy) which hit on my exhibitionist side. Then i started thinking about just watching Sir use her or her servicing Him. my first initial reaction was more along the lines that perhaps would be too intense for me to handle.....but even with that initial reaction, with the images still in my head, a touch of strong arousal came through. It took me a few days to really wrap my head around the fact that i found that very arousing for that was not something i had actually thought about in detail. Now, i think i would love to watch Sir's face as He uses dallas....i must admit that i have always wondered about the look in His eyes when He is using me sexually or when He brings out His canes, crop and other various implements of erotic pain. i do know that whenever He is using me in any way, i can feel His energy and Dominance all around me...it's kind of weird really. If His attitude changes, i can actually feel the intensity change in the air and in His hands. Sir once told me, a while back, that my submission feeds His Dominance and vise versa...that basically it is one big circle and we feed off one another. That could be a very interesting entry i think.....So again the idea of me being allowed to watch Him use dallas does hit an arousal spot with me. The look in His eyes, His voice when He speaks to her, her reactions, gasps and moans, the way He moves around her to do what He wishes, not only feeling that aura of strength and sexuality and Dominance emit from Him, but to actually see it.....okay....now i am very aroused with that little mental picture, complete with surround sound. lol Big breath and back on topic. So far the only people i have envisioned watching has been Sir and dallas, i am not sure if i am ready to think of anyone else just yet, even complete strangers. One step at a time. lol Now my head is in the submissive gutter and i've got images. Last night i told Sir about a fantasy that had popped into my head of watching dallas suck His cock on the web-cam. i stuttered, giggled and hesitated when trying to tell Sir but i managed to get it out. i am still working on the whole admitting when i am horny and what my desires and fantasies entail but Sir has been very patient with me. i also told Him about an erotic dream i had the involved all three of us and that was a little bit easier to say...but i still giggled. lol All in all i would have to say that i think exploring my voyeur side with Sir could be a rather interesting and fun part of my journey with Him.

Needs

This entry is about emotional needs. i am writing this because i have begun to realize things about myself. Although i have done an excellent job of remaining un-emotional about most things and using logic as a back drop to almost every conversation i have, i have come to realize that i am indeed an emotional person. For example, a few night's ago Sir and i were talking and He asked me why i was able to go straight to sleep when i was with Him and yet keep such god-awful sleeping patterns when i am away from Him. i had the instant urge to crack a joke and tell Him it was because i am more tired by the end of night when i am with Him. *wink wink* lol That is true by the way but not the point in this case. For some reason my mind steered itself in a different direction. Towards honesty. i told Him it was because when i am with Him i am not stressed, my mind slows down and i am calm. That i feel protected and safe when i am with Him. The desire to tell Him the truth outweighed my fear of exposing my emotional self. i have been doing that more and more lately..... i think i described it as discovering my softer side. i am also discovering that i "need" to feel....that i can't really function without doing so. Before i met Sir i somehow managed to convince myself that emotions were not needed in any format, including relationships. After a while i became afraid to feel, terrified of opening that door. my friendships with my closest friends even suffered because of this. As you have read in this journal, there have been a few times that i have had to make the conscious decision to feel. This is something Sir has been working on with me slowly, from day one. With His gentle guidance i have been slowly discovering that emotional side of me and i think that our dynamic has been made so much better for it. Even my friends have noticed a difference, they say i am not as "cut off" as i used to be. Showing myself emotionally is still kind of hard and if i am really upset about something i usually take a day to think about it so i can really look at why i am upset so i can explain it better. i think that is just being responsible to make sure you don't over exaggerate something or have a lot of drama in your life. When i say i "need" to feel in order to function it simply means that if i cannot feel i cannot be. This pertains to pretty much every aspect of my life. i don't think i could truly be a friend to someone if i did not harbor that affection towards them....i wouldn't be able to relate or sympathize. Switching gears, lets take that philosophy to my submission to Sir. If i did not feel that submission within me, if i did not feel the desire to serve, then what i would pretty much end up doing is laying there and "just taking it", or do chores while sighing and rolling my eyes. i suppose that is why i emphasize so often in my blog not only the respect and trust i have in Sir, but also the friendship we share and how deep my emotions run concerning my desire to serve Him. i need to feel that and i need to be allowed to do so. Through all this i have come to better understand the difference between need and want. When i first started speaking with Sir and the foundation of our dynamic was building, i was still in the mindset that i didn't need emotions. So i felt that i wanted that friendship and connection. As i have traveled further in my journey, i have come to realize that i actually need that emotional backing and involvement, however nervous i feel about it at times. On the same thought, it is also like i need to be punished...not because i like it but because i beat myself up enough if i disappoint or disobey Sir. Being given a punishment not only helps me learn it also helps me move on. i remember one time when i had disrespected Sir by not using His title as i should i was given a punishment. He then told me that it was best to get my punishment over with so we could both move on. Another example of this would be the time i left the room without His permission and He told me not to adjust the cam to watch me crawl back to my room. If you remember i took that quite hard....what i didn't realize at the moment is that Sir did not enjoy saying that at all, but He saw the need for the correction and the lesson. After i returned and we spoke and He issued the punishment for the offense, He could still see me on the cam and saw that i was still beating myself up over it. In all honesty i did not feel better until after i had completed my punishment...i then was able to let go and move on. So punishments, however the form, is something i also need.Going deeper within myself (now this is getting tough to write), i also need to feel wanted, protected and cherished. Here is where an interesting mix of emotions and logic combines. i need to feel wanted because i desire to give so much of my time and energy and submission to Sir that if i felt unwanted, i wouldn't be able to function, i would feel useless. On a logical note, why give someone something they don't want? i need to feel protected and cared for, i need to feel safe regardless what is happening or what Sir is doing. Logical note, why be with someone you do not trust or feel safe around? As for being cherished....i like the actual definition of the word which is, to treat with affection and tenderness. As for a thesaurus, i like those words too...adored, friendly, precious, safe, valuable and accepted. With all those words i don't think there is much left to say about needing to be cherished.i see myself as lucky. Sir encourages me to be honest, even if i am nervous about doing so. He has always embraced our friendship and He has never told me i could not feel. He understands that sometimes it is hard for me to do so but doesn't push me farther than i can handle and is patient when i have an emotional overload, although i try not to have out-bursts often. He knows that i have a hard time moving on if i disappoint Him and has always been supportive in helping me do so, even if it involves being punished for He knows that it helps me to learn and move on. i have always felt wanted, protected and cherished in our dynamic and i seriously doubt i will ever feel different. Re-reading this i can see how much i have grown and how much i have learned about myself with Sir's guidance and it only makes me even more certain that this journey to becoming His slave, to give all of myself to serve Him faithfully, is something i desire to do with all of my heart.

Poll Results

Here are the poll results.....

In a long distance relationship, how does your Dominant keep the dynamic strong?

Giving me tasks to do~~ 1 vote

Doing His daily rituals~~ 3 votes

Connecting with Him on a daily basis via phone, I.M. or email~~ 1 vote

Keeping a journal for Him to read~~ 0 votes

Saying your affirmations~~ 2 votes

Other~~ 0 votes

Decision

Excited excited excited!!! There is an added element to my upcoming visit with Sir. A very private (just between the two of us) collaring ceremony of sorts where Sir will present to me a new collar. A slave collar. Sir last night asked me about my intentions of asking Him His permission to become His slave this upcoming visit and i stayed quiet. He had been letting me tiptoe around the subject for the past couple of weeks, probably knowing what was on my mind. He remained patient, not pushing the subject any farther than i was ready. Last night He pretty much just put it out there and i froze inside my mind. i really should not have been surprised...but i think it was one of those moments where in your mind it's no big deal...but come the real thing it becomes a whole different story. Since i stayed quiet Sir asked me if He was being presumptuous. i closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What i was about to say held an importance to me. He and i had spoken about what it would be like for me to become His slave. i knew that my words, albeit not what i have in mind to say to Him when the time comes, was still a verbal confirmation of my intentions. my heart was pounding but when i looked inside myself i knew the answer, crystal clear and sure. i told Him, "no Sir, You are not being presumptuous." i then told Him that i had been thinking lately of how to ask Him His permission to become His slave.....but how do you put into words the amount of trust you have in one person? The friendship, respect and loyalty? Ultimate surrender? How do you express the joy you find in serving Another and the happiness you feel in being allowed to do so? How you feel pride at receiving the title slave yet so humbled at the same time? Can you truly put that depth of emotion and submission into words? Can all of that really be put into a question? Let me get a bit mushy, yet honest, on you for a minute. Although my asking Sir is important and i am sure He will carefully listen to my words, i also have the strongest feeling that He will be reading the question in my eyes more than listening to it come out of my mouth. Somehow i won't be surprised if my eyes fill with tears during this time. i had once asked myself if i was putting too much emotion in the aspect of becoming Sir's slave but i have come to realize that i would not be happy or really be able to function with anything less. (i am currently writing an entry about that as well) i have written quite a few times about becoming a slave, so those who have read my entries know that this decision was not lightly made and that i have been thinking about it for quite a while. The collaring being very private makes me very happy and filled with anticipation. i am not sure when or really how this will occur, what exactly will happen during or after, i just know that it will happen. That is one thing Sir and i agreed on...that a big collaring ceremony was not for us. i think from a selfish standpoint (being honest) if i am going to bare myself to that extent, i think i would rather it be only Sir and i. On the same train of thought of becoming collared as Sir's slave, there is the collar. Yes, i just have to go there. lol It is SO beautiful and He designed it Himself. He decided to show me a picture of it one day and i wanted to jump up and down with excitement. i wish i could put a pic of it up but i have to remain anonymous...but it is so pretty. It isn't "loud" or large, instead it is understated and refined...much like Sir's personality. i have written many times about how Sir's Dominance isn't loud but still so very apparent. So it "fits" quite nicely. The best part is...it can't come off. Instead of an actual lock, it screws shut with a special screwdriver, so it cannot be removed by anyone but Sir and i love that. Last night Sir wrote in the chat box..slave chai...and i must admit i smiled.....big. lol Sir also stated that He Himself has been stumbling on the word "submissive" in regards to me, saying that i had been His slave in His mind for a while now. i agreed with Him...even within my own mind, somewhere along the way, the slave mindset had taken over. So now it really is just a matter of making it official. i know that my heart will be racing and i just hope that my mind doesn't go blank. By the time Sir actually puts that collar around my neck, i will have been His submissive for very nearly 7 months....and it is amazing how much things have changed, how much i have changed. i remember when i very first started out, how tentative and shy i was. (Still a little shy but that's okay lol) i remember how slow Sir moved with me, even when i wanted to jump in head first. All the things He has taught me, how gently He has guided me, the trust and friendship that has been built, everything gradually moving in this direction and i know that my journey and learning won't stop with me becoming His slave, in fact, i think becoming His slave will start a whole new aspect of our journey and exploration with each other. This is a big step in my mind, but it is one that i am so excited and willing to take. As i write this there is a calmness within me and a feeling of "right". Let me add in a very high level of anticipation as well. lol i would say there are perhaps 100 different emotions floating around in my head at the moment..... Officially becoming Sir's slave is something that i am greatly looking forward to. The trust i have in Him and my desire to serve Him unfailingly allows me to feel nothing but happiness, certainty and anticipation of being allowed to serve Him as His slave. He will be my Master, i will be His slave and at His feet is where i will always be most content.

More reminders

The other day Sir gave me a task to do. i told Sir that i needed to go to the store sometime soon and Sir had me walk into my room and insert my butt plug. He then told me that i should go to the store sometime in the next two hours, since He did not want me to have the plug in longer than that. i told Him that it would not be a problem and that i would go soon. He then told me that i also was going to put my egg vibe in my cu*t and keep it off until i got to the store. When i stepped out of my car i was to turn it onto med during my shopping trip, until i got to checkout. i then was to turn it on high until i was finished there and back in my car. All of this i had no problem with, completely confident and relaxed until Sir told me...."Also you are not to wear any underwear..oh, and put on your short jean skirt as well. you have permission to wear regular sandals, so you can be as casual as possible." Omg.....i haven't worn my short jean skirt in quite some time and the thought of the plug and the vibe in at the same time with no underwear made me pause big time. i went into my closet and and pulled out my skirt and my heart started to race a little and the urge to giggle came. i took a steadying breath and Sir and i spoke for a little bit longer. When He and i got off the phone i got ready to go. Skirt, top, sandals and then i put the egg vibe in to accompany the plug that Sir had me put in earlier. i went out to my car, opened the door and remembered my protocol wearing skirts. So i lifted my skirt and sat down in my car. If i thought doing my protocol on a normal basis was nerve-wracking, doing it with a butt plug and vibe in was just........there are no words. lol Oh my goodness...just thinking about getting out of the car made me giggle. For once i really wasn't paying attention to how it felt having to sit down on the plug and drive, my mind was too focused on getting out of the car the way i am supposed to and walking through the store wearing this incredibly short jean skirt. Nervousness and anticipation became intertwined. Getting out of the car was fun....lol. Thank goodness there weren't too many people about and walking through the store was interesting. i had to bend down just right, all the time. When i got to checkout i was so aroused from the vibe and the plug that i couldn't help but think "keep calm.....breath slowly and smile." i turned the vibe on high and oh...my...god... i definitely became very aroused and wet. Something fell out of my cart and i had to bend down to get it. i did this very carefully since i was almost out of there and i didn't really want people to see the plug. When i finally got to my car and turned the vibe off, once again i felt the urge to rock my hips...just like the last time Sir had me go to the toy store. But i didn't so i was pleased with myself. Ever since the chocolate incident i try to be aware of what i am doing when i am aroused. This task was very interesting because i had to wear a short skirt with no underwear and usually i wear pants, so it was a completely different emotional state i was in than usual. i think i am still rather shy and it was hard to keep from blushing in the store. i must admit that i had fun with this task although it certainly pushed my shy button a bit. The last time Sir did this i was at the mall and although i wasn't as nervous about it, it was still nerve-wracking this time as well. Again more reminders of my submission to Sir and i loved every minute of it.