Defining Moments

Choice,
the act of choosing, the power to choose, to make a selection of preference, to select freely.

Submit,
to yield oneself to the will of Another, to permit oneself to be subjected to something, to consent to abide by the authority of Another

Decision,
the act or process of deciding, a determination arrived at after consideration

Believe,
to accept as true, genuine, or real, to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something, to accept the word or evidence

Trust,
assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone, one in which confidence is placed, something committed or entrusted to One to be used or cared for

Respect,
high or special regard, the quality or state of being esteemed

Honesty,
fairness and straightforwardness of conduct

Master,
a male Teacher, One having authority over another, One having control, an Owner especially of a slave or animal

slave,
one that is completely subservient to a Dominating influence

Surrender,
to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand, to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

Fear,
to be afraid or apprehensive , expect with alarm

Hesitation,
an act or instance of hesitating, to hold back from in doubt or uncertainty

Belong,
to be attached or bound by birth, allegiance, or dependency, to be an attribute, part, adjunct, or function of a person or thing

Content,
to appease the desires of

Be,
to have an objective existence, to have, maintain, or occupy a place, situation, or position, to equal in meaning

Definition,
a statement of the meaning of a word or word group or a sign or symbol, the action or the power of describing, explaining, or making definite and clear

Heart,
the emotional or moral as distinguished from the intellectual nature, one's innermost character, feelings, or inclinations, the essential or most vital part of something

The Choice is mine to make,
to Submit
The Decision to Believe,
in the Trust, Respect and Honesty in Him,
to call Him Master
to become His slave
and Surrender myself to Him
without Fear or Hesitation
for i Belong to Him
and it is at His feet
where i am most Content,
where i am meant to Be
by the Definition
of my Heart

From cuddles to submission

Well it has been decided...i am going to see Sir in a few weeks....i have not been able to see Him since i got sick. New job and other stuff have made the timing just awful to do so. So it will be almost 3 months since we have seen each other by the time i get down there. Way too much time apart but it can't be helped. Right now i am a mix of emotions. Definitely happy since the plans have now been made but also a little sad since it seems so far away. There are a lot of things that Sir wants to continue on in my training such as water sports and i must admit i am also quite anxious to resume my training in r/t with Sir. Let me get a little emotional on you and also say that lately i have been feeling a bit "cuddly". Now that is a little outside my normal realm of behavior but i suppose i could say i am discovering my softer side once again. i know i misplaced that somewhere! lol That i think would be a rather interesting entry...although i know it would require me to brutally honest about myself..which means i would have to divulge things about myself that i am a little uneasy about admitting. But you never know....i may do that one day. Back on subject...i was speaking with my sister sub dallas the other night and i told her that a big couch, big blanket, good movie and plenty of time to cuddle sounded like heaven to me. she mentioned that chocolate would be in order as well and i agreed with her....yep sounds great. Now that brings a wonderful, peace filled image to mind....dallas and i sitting on Sir's couch (with His permission of course) with one of our heads in His lap, the other's on His shoulder, just sitting there watching a movie.....calm and content, as i think our family should be. Okay can i fast forward the next few weeks? Please?? lol i am going to turn into such a baby....

There are two wonderful things about this upcoming visit that make me very very happy though. 1) i will be staying with Sir for pretty much a whole week and 2) dallas is going to come up for some of that visit was well. The first reason should go without saying....my little subbie brain has made plans. lol Although i may have a hard time admitting sexual desires, i seem to have no problem admitting service desires. i am so looking forward to doing my morning ritual every morning, making Sir His breakfast, making sure His house is spotless and clean smelling, having His lunch ready when He comes home on His lunch break and if He wishes to eat at the house for dinner, perhaps preparing dinner with Him. On that note as well, i told Sir that i would love to greet Him when He arrives back at His house in position 6, naked as He desires me to be when visiting Him. He added onto to that, that i will also be wearing the wrist and ankle cuffs the entire day (i am going to love that so much), that i also need to put my heels on by the time He comes home (i don't have to wear them while He is at work) and that my hair and makeup needs to be done by the time He arrives home for lunch.

Now being naked and in cuffs all day i know is going to put and keep me in such a wonderful head space, immersed in my submission to Sir. i will also add in that having cuffs on, while it puts me in that head space, it also is an arousal point with me. When Sir puts those on me i feel confident, empowered, sexy and sensual, relaxed, calm, happy and yet so utterly in my submission. i feel owned....and i love it. As for being presentable for His pleasure, which i can understand, quite frankly i would hate for Him to come home and see His submissive all messy....even if He lets me paint His kitchen (i have been dying to do that) i am sure i am intelligent enough to look at a clock and see i need to prepare His lunch, as well as myself, for when He gets home. Common sense i should think. But i am looking forward to that as well.

dallas coming and visiting as well during my visit with Sir would be so wonderful. A chance for all of us to get together and really be around each other as a family. From an emotional/mental standpoint there is still so much to learn about one another by interaction and discussions. As well as there are some fun activities planned...get your head out of the gutter...i'll get there in a minute. lol i am talking about perhaps a picnic, going and seeing some sites, watching movies...that kind of stuff. Now don't get me wrong i am sure none of us is going to get a whole bunch of sleep. lol There are things that Sir desires to do and a few ideas that He has asked dallas and i about. Not to mention some of the fantasies i have written in my blog.....that is going to be so much fun as well i think. dallas and i both get to submit to and serve Sir at the same time and He has told us both that He has plans to use us at the same time, watch one another receive erotic pain and loads of stuff. So yes, there is also a strong tone of the physical that will be occurring as well. And just for those who are curious, i am looking forward to exploring all of that with Sir and dallas as well.

Over all i think it is going to be a very long few weeks indeed. Sir had asked me to just write a "mini-entry" but i was so excited i started writing and couldn't stop. lol i miss serving and pleasing Sir very much and i am truly looking forward to doing so for a whole week. i will also admit that i miss Him as a person and friend. As for the physical side of things (i am trying to get better at this) i also miss cuddling with Him in bed, i miss getting spanked, i miss the flogger, cane, crop, rope, the harley, nipple torture, being allowed to suck His co*k.....okay pretty much everything. lol i am looking forward to bathing Him and drying Him off, giving Him massages and servicing Him in anyway He should desire. i miss feeling that D/s connection in r/t. i think i miss that the most.....Sir's Dominance isn't loud, but it's presence is strong, captivating, commanding and so very real. i miss my submission being used, stretched and strengthened by Sir in r/t as well. i could probably go on for a while about what i miss but i am sure you get the idea by now. But at least i have something to look forward to...something to focus on. Knowing that the plans are set and made calms some part of me. It is hard to explain but i feel calmer knowing that it won't be too much longer. i think my subbie side started to go a little nuts.....something i am sure Sir understands. This visit is going to be incredible in many ways and pardon me if i write about it once again as the time draws closer. But really, could you blame me?? lol

i've cum along way

This entry is about my growing ability to connect with my sexuality and the growth i have experienced with Sir in reaching orgasm. Whew... what a sentence huh? lol No doubt about it, there have been significant changes since i met Sir. i would say one of the most significant changes within myself is that i am no longer nervous about my sexuality. There were things about my sexual self, things i liked i.e. spanking, the thought of being held down, that although i knew were actually pretty normal and common, made me nervous because i did not understand them. So i never explored or connected with that part of my sexuality...instead i avoided it. Enter in Sir. lol If you remember reading in my blog about the first time i met Sir in r/t, the first time He tied me up i started to panic. But my submission kicked in and He became the strength i needed so badly to be able to relax and enjoy what He was doing. And enjoy it i did. i love it when Sir ties me up.....lol Okay, back on topic now. In meeting Sir and becoming His submissive, i am allowed to not only think about my sexuality, i am also encouraged to tell Him if there is something i am interested in trying. Still shy about that really....i can write about it, my fantasies, things i would like to try, but to actually say it out loud is something i am still working on. Recognizing and accepting aspects about my sexuality within myself i am doing so much better with....having to verbalize those desires is still kind of hard. i think that is because i do not want to come across as demanding or aggressive...because i am neither. That is a whole different entry though i think. The understanding and acceptance Sir shows me helps quite a bit. Things i once was nervous about admitting for fear of getting weird looks and comments, i don't with Sir. Back to the freedom that is within my submission to Sir. i know i will get more comfortable with time, even though it may be a slow road at times.
Now to orgasms.....goodness. i have said plenty of times before that having an orgasm was difficult before i met Sir. It was still kind of hard at first and Sir once told me that having an orgasm is also very mental and that i was most likely putting up a "wall" of some sort. Still working on that to be honest, but with His careful guidance i have come a long way. (no pun intended..lol) Now, when He uses me in that fashion, although it took some time to train myself to do, my mind stays relaxed and having an orgasm is much easier to do. i am not saying that it is easy all the time, but much easier than before. Also in my growth with orgasms with Sir, i have learned to notice when i start to get "close" and how to hold an orgasm off without losing it. When Sir started to train me to cum on command for Him, it came as a surprise the first time He did it. Read "climax control" for the whole story. Now it is something i enjoy every much. i will also say that in relaxing my mind and body my orgasms are now much more intense than before and while i love cumming really hard, i enjoy it even more so because it pleases Sir. It is astounding (to me anyways) how far i have come with my sexuality and orgasms with Sir guidance. i know there are still many other things Sir wishes to show and teach me, more ways to grow and expand, and i can't wait to learn.

Obedience vs. Concern

This entry is about where should a submissive draw the line between obedience and concern. This conversation came up between Sir and i last night because i made the choice to call Him to make sure the He was okay. He had a busy day and told me He was going to sit down and watch a movie. i became concerned that He fell asleep in His chair and debated for about 45 minutes whether or not i should call Him. i am not supposed to call Him unless He instructs me to and i did not wish to disobey His command, but was worried that if He did indeed fall asleep in His chair, He would wake up sore and uncomfortable. In the end i made the choice to call Him just to be sure, having made the decision that i would rather Him be mad at me and possible give me a punishment, then have Him wake up stiff and sore. What a choice to have to make. He was not angry with but i did have to explain why i had chosen to call Him at such a late hour. Here is the line that had to be drawn within myself. Obedience or concern for my Sir's well being. How can a submissive make that choice? Normally in any situation where i ask myself, what would Sir wish for me to do, my submission to Him answers for me. But in this case, for the first time, my submission was split both ways. As His submissive, i am to follow and obey His rules. However on the flip side, as His submissive, i also need to make sure that He is comfortable, happy and pleased. Some people may say, just let Him sleep, you don't want to get into trouble, or give another reason as to why i should not. As you all know i take my submission very seriously and therefore i am always on the lookout for ways to serve or please Sir in anyway that i can. If i were at His house and He fell asleep in His big chair (that chair is sooo comfortable lol) i would wake Him up with no hesitation. So why the pause and contemplation this time? Simple, because if i were at His house i could assess the situation based on what i knew...in this situation i did not know if He had fallen asleep or not. So it was like taking a shot in the dark. For all i knew, in calling Him, i could be disturbing Him in some fashion or worse, if He decided to got to bed, waking Him up would not be a good thing at all. i am sure there are others who have been in similar situations, their submission pulling them in both directions. It is times like those when carefully weighing the odds and making sure not to equate in personal desires can be difficult. How does one tell the difference? i think in a situation like that, it is imperative that you make sure the choice that you make is one based on the comfort and pleasure of your Dominant. But again, back to obedience.....what i did was a direct violation of Sir's rules. i knew it when i made that choice. i was not punished, thankfully, but Sir has always been very understanding. Does the fact that i was concerned negate the fact that i disobeyed Him? Not a chance, being concerned may make it understandable to certain degree, but not okay. So how and when does a submissive make that choice? Whether it be something as simple of where her Dominant is sleeping, or something more serious, i can see how making a decision like this is hard to do. Either way it goes, when you have to make a decision such as this, you may be taking the chance of being punished or scolded, if in making sure everything is okay, you have to disobey your Dominant to do so. i, for one, would be happy to never have to feel the need to contemplate between the two.

Things to cum

This is a blog entry of Sir's suggestion because soon our poly family will be together in r/l for the first time. Sir was curious as to know what toys (new and old) i would like to experiment with Him and dallas. Sir tells me that i will probably be made to kneel and watch Him give dallas a spanking so i can be around the sights and sounds of dallas receiving erotic pain. i happen to think that spanking is erotic all by itself, so that particular image does cause arousal for me. Sir also asked me to write about some things i would like to experience with Him and dallas as well. Sir gave me permission to let my imagination run wild so if this starts to sound like a script for porn, just sit back, relax and enjoy what goes on in my head at Sir's prodding. lol Let's start with the toys shall we hmm? So many to choose from...where's a subbie to start? How about the....harley. Oh yes, that would be so much fun. i would love to bring her to orgasm with Sir watching. (yes, Sir is in the middle of everything....now that brings interesting images to mind but you'll have to wait for part 2 for that..i know..i’m evil lol) Dildos would be very fun although my brain is leaning towards a harness with a dildo attachment. dallas and i could see what it is like from Sir's perspective....i can almost imagine Sir laughing at my awkwardness the first time i try that with His permission...if i ever stop laughing myself. i always get giggly when i try something new, and i think that looking down and seeing a dildo protruding from my groin area might just send me onto the floor in a fit of laughter. Or it could go in the opposite direction and i just may only feel extremely aroused knowing what i am about to do. Never know till you try it right? Being on the receiving end might be a little nerve wracking at first....Sir watching dallas fu*k me with a dildo would be something totally out of my realm, something i have only thought about from time to time. i have a feeling that some of my boundaries will be pushed past in this visit. More on that in part 2. What else...ahh, a double headed dildo. i am sure you probably know how that works but in case you don't allow me to give you a visual. i see that working in two ways. Number one..dallas and i both in pos.8 and Sir slipping just the head of the dildo in each of our cu*ts and telling us to back up towards each other until our asses touch and then holding it while she and i fu*k ourselves on it. The other way would be us laying on our backs, legs spread, possibly tied that way, although i think being able to rub our cu*ts up against each other would be very erotic really. i wonder if any one has invented to double headed vibrator yet....talk about possibilities...lol. i am now thinking of the harley with two sides...omg. lol i am getting this wonderful picture of dallas and i on our backs presenting our cu*ts to Sir and rubbing them up and down on the vibe. Total abandonment...the only sounds in the room is mine and dallas' moans and gasps and Sir's voice telling us what to do and asking us what we are. Oh boy. Another item i think would be fun would be a blindfold. Just read "fantasy". dallas had some of her own ideas to share! In her fantasy i was also blindfolded. i think it could be very interesting for both us to be blindfolded, kneeling on Sir's bed, naked with Sir just watching. The only thing we would be able to do is hear each others moans and gasps, feel our bodies rub, slide and grind against each others. The possibility of Sir adding His hands to the mix of everything is enough to make me remind myself i am on restriction. lol Hmm..i could picture dallas and i blindfolded, kissing and running our hands down each others bodies and suddenly we each feel one of Sir's hands at the back of our necks, pulling our hair and faces away from each other. He kisses us both, who first we can't tell and it doesn't matter. His voice deep, commanding and like silk with sexual promise shoots our arousal levels through the roof. The feel of His hands on our bodies effects us both like a drug. we are His, for His pleasure and His use. He moves in between us so His front is facing dallas and His back is facing me. dallas runs her hands over His chest, down His stomach, to His cock and back up. she starts to lightly kiss His body, neck, shoulders, chest while one of her hands reaches down and start to slowly stroke His cock. He growls deep in His throat in arousal and made bold buy His reaction she starts to stroke His cock a bit harder. While facing His back, i start to run my hands up and down His back and lightly rake my fingernails over His ass. i let my breast and nipples lightly caress His back and i ease my body down further so i may gently kiss His ass cheeks while running my hands over His thighs. All dallas and i can do is feel, hear and smell Sir's body. He tell dallas to suck His cock and as she takes Him into her mouth i lay down on my back and ease my self so that my mouth is at Sir's balls. While she pleasures Him in one way, i am doing so in the other. my hands continue to trail up and down Sir's back and ass while Sir grasps dallas' hair and starts to deeply fu*k her throat......well, as you can see blindfolds could be very fun. i think i might elaborate on that fantasy more later, other wise i will never get this done. lol Well i am not sure what could top what i just wrote so i think i will finish part one on that note. Part two will be more about what i think would be fun to experience as a threesome and how outside my normal realm i may be taken and how i feel about it. Will write more soon i promise.

public arousal or can you see my nipples

Ok, as i promised here is entry about the task Sir gave dallas and i yesterday. Here were my instructions. i was not to wear any underwear and i was to have my remote egg in my cu*t from the time i leave my house. i was to go to another "toy" store to look for a bigger butt plug. The only time i was to turn it on is when i left my car to enter the store until i returned to my car after shopping for the new plug. i was to put the speed on low from the time i exit my car until i was actually looking at butt plugs. From the moment i began looking at the plugs i was to turn the vibe to medium until i decided on one. i then was to turn the vibe to high, take the plug to the cashier and buy it. After it had been bought (and i am still in the store) i was allowed turn the vibe back on low until i was once again in my car. After putting on my seat belt, i was to turn the vibe off. When i got home i was then allowed to take out the vibe and write about this task.

This was a little difficult for me in some ways, because i got very aroused and very wet while doing this. i wasn't worried about the noise level of the plug since it is actually pretty quiet but the feelings of arousal became apparent. All of this occurred with the vibe on low. lol i was done for before i even entered the store, and i knew it. When i started to look at the plugs i couldn't do to much since my vibe has two speeds- low/med and high. So i had no choice but to keep the vibe at it's current setting. i think that may have been worse then turning it up because part of me was really wishing i could have. lol i have to be honest. i squatted down from time to time to look at what they had (which wasn't much) and every time my legs would spread and my cu*t would tighten without me thinking about it. Which caused an increase of sensations for a very brief amount of time. Looking at the plugs, my thoughts like yesterday, would drift to Sir and my mind kept falling into the submissive gutter. (i know i have been saying that a lot lately lol) It was really hot out today so i was wearing a tank top that you can't wear a bra with and my nipples got hard in the store. The lady kept looking at me and when i realized why, part of me wanted to turn red and run out of the store. The other part of me, my exhibitionist side which Sir has greatly helped me discover, got a little naughty and i thought "if only you knew what i was thinking about right now" and then i got an image of her looking shocked and i almost laughed out loud. Well i couldn't find a larger plug at this store either, so i didn't get to turn the vibe on high...i told Sir after i bought the new egg vibe i used today, that it felt like an energizer bunny. i can say that it is more powerful than my old one and the vibrations i was feeling with it just on low/med i could feel from my cu*t to my ass. In order to turn the vibe off i had to click the button which sends it to high, so i clicked that button pretty quickly to turn it off. i sat in my car, seat belt buckled and just took a moment to breath. my body was running on high from the stimulation of the vibe and wanted more so i took a moment to calm down. i thought about Sir and focused in on my submission and drew a sense of calmness and strength from it. i took a deep breath, giggled and drove home.

Overall, it was a fun task to do for Sir and i had quite a few different thoughts during the whole time. i would say i used my submission the most at the very end. Being honest, i was tempted to see what the vibe felt like on high and yes i had the urge to move my hips for the second or two i was back in my car and the vibe was still on. But this is where my submission to Sir comes into play. i wasn't able to buy a new plug, so i couldn't turn it on high while i was buying it and i am on restriction and moving my hips while seated in my car (even if only for a second or two) would have been in direct violation of my restriction. So i didn't. Simple as that. lol Still had a lot of fun doing the task Sir gave me though, as always. i also can't help but wonder how dallas did.......

Waddling can be fun

Today Sir gave me a task to do for Him. i had some things to do with work stuff today and Sir had me bring my butt plug and lube with me in my purse. After completing all the things associated with work i was to insert the plug. i then was to go to the "toy" store and buy a new egg vibe and a new butt plug, one size bigger than the one i have now. When i got home i was to take out the plug and write Sir telling Him that i was home. Well now for the good parts. lol
It has been a while since Sir has given me a task like this so i was pretty excited to do this for Him. Knowing that the plug was in my purse made me smile and i felt the thrill of anticipation run through me. It had been a while since i used my butt plug and i wasn't sure if it being in there for possibly a long period of time was going to be easy. i was at the mall when i finished my errands so i went into the bathroom to put it in and i realized that i needed to pee. i still have to strip whenever i use the restroom so i stripped in the bathroom stall. Even though i had done this before, it had been a while since I completely stripped in a public bathroom and memories of doing it for the first time came back. lol So i was in the bathroom, naked, with a butt plug in my purse and i was nervous. The same feeling of possibly getting caught, the urge to pull my clothes on quickly and the omg mind set...everything hit at once and i wanted to giggle so badly. To make matters worse the bathroom was full of people. lol So i inserted the butt plug (it took a little longer to do than usual) put my clothes back on and washed my hands. i was wearing pants and underwear so i wasn't nervous about it feeling like it was falling out, but as always, i felt like i was waddling a little bit. lol i went into my car, sat down and was instantly reminded why driving with a butt plug in is a bit nerve wracking. i kept shifting my weight and was so happy to get to the "toy" store. lol i wasn't nervous about walking in there like last time, if anything i looked at a few items around the vibes and plugs and wondered what Sir's opinion of some of these things would be. i managed to find another egg vibe but i couldn't find a plug that was bigger than mine. Trust me when i say mine isn't all that big, so i was a little surprised that i could not find one. After purchasing the egg vibe i got back into my car, shifted around some more and drove home as i was instructed. When i got home, i needed to use the restroom once again so i stripped before taking out the plug. That was a little uncomfortable to do to be honest but i still enjoyed it. i will admit that having the plug in also got me pretty aroused and a couple of times my mind started to fall into the submissive gutter but i managed to pull myself out. Now i am blushing. lol i then of course washed my hands and the plug before putting it safely back into my drawer. i took a deep breath, signed onto my messenger and Sir messaged me to say hello and we briefly discussed my day so far. We did not have much time to speak with one another but i told Sir that i would write about this task as soon as i could.
Overall i would have to say that the experience as a whole wasn't extremely trying of my submission to Sir, but rather more of a wonderful reminder. As i said, with everything that has happened lately, getting sick, changing jobs, it has been a while since i was given a task like this by Sir and it felt very good to do. i guess sometimes even i need a "refresher course". From excitement, anticipation, nervousness, getting the giggles to being a little uncomfortable in my car, were all reminders. i will say that doing this task also sort-of centered me a bit. i have been feeling a little off with everything since i got sick, but doing this for Sir brought back quite a few memories, definite feelings of submission and a smile to my face. It is amazing how something so small, such as wearing a butt plug out in public, can remind someone of 101 things all at once. For the rest of the day my mind wandered to Sir and to my submission to Him. How it has grown, become stronger and more beautiful with increasing understanding and depth. Even though it may be something small, it always gives me great pleasure to serve Sir and do as He instructs me to. Since i was not able to find a bigger plug today, Sir is sending me out tomorrow to try again, with another task from Him. The really interesting part is that He gave me the same task He gave dallas, so she and i will be doing identical tasks tomorrow. i am sure Sir will enjoy reading each of our perceptions on this task. Yet another thing for me to look forward to tomorrow and i know i will be thanking Sir once again for the task that He gave me. Don't worry...i will write about it, i promise.