Wednesday, May 14, 2008


(((Note: This quiz is not totally comprehensive because of the length such a quiz would be. I kept it sex-based because I felt that psychological profiles and motivations were too complicated and vary too greatly among people that practice BDSM.)))
It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a Dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.

i took this test because it looked pretty fun to do and was a little surprised at first of my scores. But after thinking about it, it actually makes least with the way my brain works. This test was based mainly on sex but since i can see how these scores spill into my mindset- i thought i would comment on them.

Submissive 93%
i am not surprised at all at this score....probably why i love being a slave so much. Why it is 93%- i think it is because there are times and situations in my life, when away from Master, in which i must be in charge. Which doesn't bother me, it is just a part of life and of who i am.

Experimental 75%
This, again, not surprised. As i have gone down this road, i have become more curious about different types of sex and have had doors opened to me that i had never thought of. The most recent on that list being tickling. It is something that i would love to try again and i used to hate it. So yes, i have become more experimental.

Bondage 75%
i am a huge big bondage slut....i could be tied up all night and be glowing in the morning.

Degradation Lover 75%
::blushing:: a lot of my fantasies have to do with being degraded. Being called a slut, whore....being told i am only good for fucking....and i think that is as far as my imagination goes. That's not a bad thing though, is it? Didn't think so. On one hand, it is exciting to think what else is out there that i just haven't thought of. i have finally come to terms with why i like it. Well....maybe i don't understand all the way yet but i do know why Master could say those things and it be exciting. Master respects me as person and as His slave. He thinks of me fondly and He truly cares for me. i know He doesn't mean those things in a "I really mean that you are a slut" in a bad way but rather in a "Yes, you are MY slut and I like it" way. So it is okay....He and our dynamic makes it okay for it not only to happen but for me to enjoy it. That and...well....saying stuff like that is rather naughty. Normally i try my best to act like a proper lady in public so it is rather exciting to be able to let that part of myself go. So maybe i do know why i like it- or at least one of the reasons.

Masochist 68%
i could have sworn this was going to be higher than this. But that's okay...there are things that i am still learning. Such as....if Master starts out spanking me with a very light warm up, i gently go into subspace. But that was back in the was usually nice and gentle at first. Now it is rougher at first which may make me jump and squeak but i enjoy it sooo much as well. That and when i hit subspace....wham! i am gone. So really the only difference is the initial pain factor. But i like the pain, the sting....going very gently into subspace may be nice at times but i definitely like the rough stuff too. The cane, crop and recently the strap are things that i really enjoy. With the stinger....well....i like when Master makes me do it- even though it drives me crazy and i squeal- i still get rather wet from it.

Exhibitionist / Voyeur 68%
Not surprised. lol Ever since i have been with Master, i have become more open to not only being watched but also watching. Being watched is kind of fun (still learning about doing stuff in front of strangers) long as i am not touched by any strange men. i seem to have a large issue with that still.....people i don't know, i can't trust. If i can't trust them, it sends me into full panic mode. The thought gives me shivers....Dommes i think i could handle touching me if Master desired it. i guess just knowing it is a female helps. Watching people has become pretty fun, although i have yet to see full blown fuc*ing. That could be interesting.....

Switch 61%
Lately Master and i have been discussing my Domme tendencies. i have this nice little image of another female sub/slave getting me ready for me to serve Master. Like in the past when people had servants all the time. It is a nice thought and i have also discovered that i like erotic humiliation (doing and receiving) as well as the thought of teaching another sub/slave and making sure they do what Master wishes.

Sadist 54%
Hmm...i was really surprised at this until i thought about it. All the pain i would want to give to another female sub/slave, has to with stuff i personally love for Master to do to me and stuff i would like to try with erotic pain. Considering my masochist score, it would make sense for this to be as high as it is. i would only want to give pain i knew they enjoyed. When it comes to household chores and tasks though....i know i wouldn't care if they liked it or not....i'd still make her do it., more so if Master is the one who gave the order.

Vanilla 18%
i will be the first to admit that i enjoy vanilla activities. Not only with Master but with my friends as well. i enjoy the walks on the beach, the dinners out, the movie watching on/next to the couch, the cuddling, the romantic moments and all that jazz. i like having that mix with Master. When it comes to the sexual side i am not sure how i would feel about it. When i think about "vanilla" sex, i think the tender slow touching, lots of kissing (even though i really enjoy kissing, i still am not that confident at kissing though-being honest i am not that experienced) and i think it would be emotional on a different plane (at least on my end) that i am not used to. i am a bit curious but like everything else, i have reasons why i am not sure if i want to get into that at this point in time.

Dominant 4%

Friday, May 2, 2008

Pushed- Ending

i was back, standing against the wall, when Master brought out the flogger once again. A little bit of squealing occurred as i tried my best to breath through each one. The sting of each blow...the burn was getting intense and when Master put the flogger down, i breathed a sigh of relief. Then came out the cane for another round. Goodness...ouch. lol i think i did better the second time the cane was used, for i do not remember Master telling me to present myself like He did the first time. Each strike was hard and stingy and tough to breath through. i was starting to approach my normal range of erotic pain and i was not sure if Master's intentions were to "expand" my experience or all of this would be over with. The thought didn't stay long in my head however. Then came out the strap. (never had one before) Ohhh boy.....that was actually pretty cool. It felt like a mix between the cane (because it had a stingy effect) and the flogger, because of the thud it produced. How this came about is actually...well...funny now (i was so clueless!)-but not funny then. you see, Master went to His closet and grabbed something. i heard Him rustling around and i was unsure of what He was getting. i kept my head down, despite the strong urge to see what He was getting. After He got what He was looking for, He stood behind me. i wasn't sure at this point if Master actually had something in His hand, or if my head was being messed with. Come to think of it though, i think i enjoyed having no clue what was going to happen and seeing what was in His hand. i was sanding there, coiled tightly from anticipation and curiosity when i asked Master if i may please know what He had in His hand. "No- you may not" was Master's only reply. i knew better than to push the subject, more so since Master had that "tone". Being honest- whenever He gets that tone in His voice- i don't question.....period. The energy in the room....from Master...was just, wow. Definitely caught and kept my concentrated attention. After a few seconds of Master's response..."slap"!! i jumped....i had not one clue what He was using. All i could feel what the object was doing. After a few minutes of receiving my first "strapping" the burn and sting was really setting in. my eyes were closed, my breathing a little uneven. Master put the strap down and once again had me drop to my knees to service Him. i gladly did so and again, the thought (maybe hope?) that all was done crept back into my head. i largely ignored it but then Master threw me for a loop. His hand had been in my hair, instructing me how deep or slow He wanted me to do, when He jerked my mouth from His co*k and made me look up at Him. (Intense!!) Master asked me "back or ass?" and i remember just staring at Him. my brain was gone and i had not the foggiest idea of what it was He was asking of me!! All i could think was "huh??" i must have looked confused or not responded fast enough for Master repeated Himself again- "back or ass?" Each word punctuated, His voice harder than before. In my brain, i knew i had to make a choice and blurted out the first thing that came to mind- "back Sir" Master said "okay- back against the wall" and i stood back up. After the first stroke of the flogger, i realized what He meant! Sometimes, it takes a little while to get something through a brain made foggy from erotic pain. However, the flogging...well....wasn't that erotic. Yes there were erotic tones within it, as i am His slave as well as a masochist. But mentally...and in some ways physically, i was being pushed past the realm of erotic pain. Each swing was horrible. Good horrible but horrible. (hope that makes sense) i felt tears gathering in the back of my eyes but somewhere in my head, out of habit, i was saying that i could handle just breath and i would be okay. Such a familiar battle but in some ways, it was different. Master had me get on my knees once again and during the time of me sucking His co*k, i stopped fighting and really hoped that all was done. i had stopped (telling myself) that i could handle all of this, i stopped TRYING to handle and cope with what was happening. But stopping was not Master's wish. He asked me if i wanted the flogger or cane. (Something like that) i responded with trying to describe the strap, as i still did not know what He had used. my back was sore and the thought of the cane was...::shudder:: Uh-uh- no way, not if Master was being kind and generous enough to give me a choice. lol So i went with what i thought would be the kindest of all toys. (i was wrong- again lol) Master understood and had me stand back up with my hands against the wall. Honestly, i no longer had any inkling that this was going to end, but as hard as all of this was, some part of me was craving what Master was doing so much. The strap hit oh, maybe 5 or 6 times, when i think a small sob erupted from me. i remember shaking my head, trying to fend off my emotions by instinct, not any real desire to do so. The room got soo quiet as Master came behind me (He has put up the strap somewhere in that frame of time- although i am not sure when) He turned me to Him, looked into my eyes and to this day i don't really remember how it happened. All i do remember is staring to cry and Master telling me to cry. He says that He used a harsh tone of voice but in my mind, the warmth of His arms and His voice was heaven. i broke down....hard. Sobbing, shaking, not caring how i sounded or anything else. Master at one point in time tried to wrap my arms around Him but i couldn't. In the haze of crying, letting go...really letting go, i felt frozen and unable to move. Master and i stayed standing for a few minutes until He urged me onto the bed, where He laid down and just let me cry. He was rubbing my back, my arm-keeping our physical self's close, all the while speaking to me gently. i hung onto Master for dear life, feeling exposed and open. Simply put- i needed Him. i know that may not sound like much but there aren't many times in my life i feel like i need someone with such ferocity. But i needed Master- His strength, calmness, acceptance and His understanding. After i had calmed down, i looked into Master's eyes and saw the affection and pride that resided there. Master knew how hard that was and told me that He was proud of me! In the aftermath, i was surprised that i opened up that much but i was incredibly happy that i did. All in all, i must say that overall it was something that i truly enjoyed on many levels. The anticipation, erotic pain, serving sexually, being pushed past erotic pain was, in some ways erotic (figure that out), having to choose the instrument of my demise (that sounds like something out of a novel-lol) to breaking down was all wonderful. After breaking down, i felt...refreshed, lighter with arousal and simple humble pride from having pleased Master all mixed in. That was by far, the hardest scene Master and i have ever done but i was smiling (possibly glowing) in the end and i think that is what matter's most. Master once told me, it is okay to cry during a scene if i feel the urge to do so, as long as i can smile afterward. Overall, it was a great experience and i actually hope that one day this will happen again.