Friday, May 2, 2008

Pushed- Ending

i was back, standing against the wall, when Master brought out the flogger once again. A little bit of squealing occurred as i tried my best to breath through each one. The sting of each blow...the burn was getting intense and when Master put the flogger down, i breathed a sigh of relief. Then came out the cane for another round. Goodness...ouch. lol i think i did better the second time the cane was used, for i do not remember Master telling me to present myself like He did the first time. Each strike was hard and stingy and tough to breath through. i was starting to approach my normal range of erotic pain and i was not sure if Master's intentions were to "expand" my experience or all of this would be over with. The thought didn't stay long in my head however. Then came out the strap. (never had one before) Ohhh boy.....that was actually pretty cool. It felt like a mix between the cane (because it had a stingy effect) and the flogger, because of the thud it produced. How this came about is actually...well...funny now (i was so clueless!)-but not funny then. you see, Master went to His closet and grabbed something. i heard Him rustling around and i was unsure of what He was getting. i kept my head down, despite the strong urge to see what He was getting. After He got what He was looking for, He stood behind me. i wasn't sure at this point if Master actually had something in His hand, or if my head was being messed with. Come to think of it though, i think i enjoyed having no clue what was going to happen and seeing what was in His hand. i was sanding there, coiled tightly from anticipation and curiosity when i asked Master if i may please know what He had in His hand. "No- you may not" was Master's only reply. i knew better than to push the subject, more so since Master had that "tone". Being honest- whenever He gets that tone in His voice- i don't question.....period. The energy in the room....from Master...was just, wow. Definitely caught and kept my concentrated attention. After a few seconds of Master's response..."slap"!! i jumped....i had not one clue what He was using. All i could feel what the object was doing. After a few minutes of receiving my first "strapping" the burn and sting was really setting in. my eyes were closed, my breathing a little uneven. Master put the strap down and once again had me drop to my knees to service Him. i gladly did so and again, the thought (maybe hope?) that all was done crept back into my head. i largely ignored it but then Master threw me for a loop. His hand had been in my hair, instructing me how deep or slow He wanted me to do, when He jerked my mouth from His co*k and made me look up at Him. (Intense!!) Master asked me "back or ass?" and i remember just staring at Him. my brain was gone and i had not the foggiest idea of what it was He was asking of me!! All i could think was "huh??" i must have looked confused or not responded fast enough for Master repeated Himself again- "back or ass?" Each word punctuated, His voice harder than before. In my brain, i knew i had to make a choice and blurted out the first thing that came to mind- "back Sir" Master said "okay- back against the wall" and i stood back up. After the first stroke of the flogger, i realized what He meant! Sometimes, it takes a little while to get something through a brain made foggy from erotic pain. However, the flogging...well....wasn't that erotic. Yes there were erotic tones within it, as i am His slave as well as a masochist. But mentally...and in some ways physically, i was being pushed past the realm of erotic pain. Each swing was horrible. Good horrible but horrible. (hope that makes sense) i felt tears gathering in the back of my eyes but somewhere in my head, out of habit, i was saying that i could handle just breath and i would be okay. Such a familiar battle but in some ways, it was different. Master had me get on my knees once again and during the time of me sucking His co*k, i stopped fighting and really hoped that all was done. i had stopped (telling myself) that i could handle all of this, i stopped TRYING to handle and cope with what was happening. But stopping was not Master's wish. He asked me if i wanted the flogger or cane. (Something like that) i responded with trying to describe the strap, as i still did not know what He had used. my back was sore and the thought of the cane was...::shudder:: Uh-uh- no way, not if Master was being kind and generous enough to give me a choice. lol So i went with what i thought would be the kindest of all toys. (i was wrong- again lol) Master understood and had me stand back up with my hands against the wall. Honestly, i no longer had any inkling that this was going to end, but as hard as all of this was, some part of me was craving what Master was doing so much. The strap hit oh, maybe 5 or 6 times, when i think a small sob erupted from me. i remember shaking my head, trying to fend off my emotions by instinct, not any real desire to do so. The room got soo quiet as Master came behind me (He has put up the strap somewhere in that frame of time- although i am not sure when) He turned me to Him, looked into my eyes and to this day i don't really remember how it happened. All i do remember is staring to cry and Master telling me to cry. He says that He used a harsh tone of voice but in my mind, the warmth of His arms and His voice was heaven. i broke down....hard. Sobbing, shaking, not caring how i sounded or anything else. Master at one point in time tried to wrap my arms around Him but i couldn't. In the haze of crying, letting go...really letting go, i felt frozen and unable to move. Master and i stayed standing for a few minutes until He urged me onto the bed, where He laid down and just let me cry. He was rubbing my back, my arm-keeping our physical self's close, all the while speaking to me gently. i hung onto Master for dear life, feeling exposed and open. Simply put- i needed Him. i know that may not sound like much but there aren't many times in my life i feel like i need someone with such ferocity. But i needed Master- His strength, calmness, acceptance and His understanding. After i had calmed down, i looked into Master's eyes and saw the affection and pride that resided there. Master knew how hard that was and told me that He was proud of me! In the aftermath, i was surprised that i opened up that much but i was incredibly happy that i did. All in all, i must say that overall it was something that i truly enjoyed on many levels. The anticipation, erotic pain, serving sexually, being pushed past erotic pain was, in some ways erotic (figure that out), having to choose the instrument of my demise (that sounds like something out of a novel-lol) to breaking down was all wonderful. After breaking down, i felt...refreshed, lighter with arousal and simple humble pride from having pleased Master all mixed in. That was by far, the hardest scene Master and i have ever done but i was smiling (possibly glowing) in the end and i think that is what matter's most. Master once told me, it is okay to cry during a scene if i feel the urge to do so, as long as i can smile afterward. Overall, it was a great experience and i actually hope that one day this will happen again.