Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Orgasms, pushes and triggers

This is an entry on my jumbled thoughts.....i can't sleep so i figure i will start this now. Thoughts on some of you have read from the beginning, i have always had a problem with orgasms. Or rather, the lack of. Master is right when He says my body has on and off days. Some days it is really easy and others.....i feel as though i could try everything and it still not happen. It really sucks when i really really want to have one to. It really has become a sensitive issue with me, pretty much on my part. Master is accepting and doesn't pressure me or tell me i have to have one but.....i still end up putting all that pressure on myself, which could be rather counter-productive to what i (or Master) am trying to do. Delving deeper into myself, i think that i am so concerned about not pleasing Master, that i let it interfere with what is going on. i learned this lesson long ago that if Master is displeased, He will tell me but i guess it is lesson i have to relearn and accept.

In my last entry, i left of saying that things are harder the first time around.....but not always. Here are my thoughts on that issue. A lot of things are easier the second time Master does it. A perfect example of something that wouldn't be easier the second time, but harder, would be Master having me walk with the nipple clamps attached to my cunt lips and nipples. See that entry here. What makes it harder is not the physical difficulty but rather the emotional aspect. you see, i fully remember how it made me feel the first time and in vivid color. i remember how hard it was, how i wanted to cry but i wanted so badly to do as i was told, regardless of how it made me feel, i knew it would please Him. Having to do it a second time *shudder* would be soooo much harder. It would have a larger effect on me. That is where being pushed comes in. Even though it would be enormously difficult, i like being pushed by Master and sometimes i like being pushed, hard. Even if it makes me cry.....which is something that i have found not only connects me deeply to my submission to Master but also gives the buildup of emotions from the scene or whatever else is going on in my life direction and guidance. i am one of those people who doesn't really let myself cry. When i am around Master, He lets me cry and i feel safe doing so because i know He isn't going to leave me alone if i do so. biggest fear about being left alone, abandoned to cry my heart out and being made to feel what is going on is completely unimportant to someone else. Master will not do this but being honest, i have had so many people in my life walk away in disgust when i start crying, that is has become a protective instinct. my brain and my heart knows that He will hold me and let me cry my when He pushed me in a scene to that point. Master just held me, rubbed my back, whispered soothing words and told me it was okay. i just wish that i could push those "walls" back down as easily as i can put them up. *sigh* More things to work on within myself.....but i am more than determined to do so. More on pushing....i wish i could be pushed easier. lol i have a lot of strength in my arms and legs and my pain tolerance in actually pretty high. Although Master did one scene where He used the cane on the underside of my breasts and lol That pushed me....pretty easily really. i was actually a little surprised..... normally with breast or nipple play it is hard to get me to start cringing and whining but Master got me there in less than 5 minutes! It was pretty cool actually. Maybe it is a matter of being pushed fast instead of hard.....or a combo of both. If anything, i will leave the details to Master....He knows what can push me over the edge, that knowledge is His alone.

Okay, now onto triggers. Master and i had a discussion on what triggers my submission. He said that physical pain is a big trigger for me, which is very true. But i thought about it some more and when i am daydreaming about being with Him, there are a few things in my mind that always remain constant. So here goes.

Being "petted". This has happened often and it never fails to bring me to that peaceful, submissive mindset. When i am kneeling at His feet, His hand running over my head, i feel small, owned and very submissive. i won't insert anything about feeling like a pet because it certainly doesn't make me want to wag my "tail" or anything like that and although i do find puppy/pony play interesting, it isn't for me.

Kneeling- Often in my daydreams, simple kneeling at His feet, in pos.6, my head lightly resting at the base of His feet will bring to me a sense of my submission. In some of my daydreams i cry, simply because i am so happy to have the privilege to serve Him, please be allowed to be His slave. Simply tears from my submission and joy.

Master's hand on the back of my neck or in my hair. Even gentle but firm pressure can give me pause and instantly being me to a submissive mindset. (as well as cause arousal-if i may add-lol)

Calling me "slave girl" It is a nickname, like cutie, that Master calls me often. Come to think of it, He doesn't use my name that often....which i don't mind for a couple of reasons. 1) i know who i am and i am not likely to forget. lol i have a good sense of self so i don't miss my name not being used. 2) Since Master doesn't use my name often when He does use it, it is often paired with a certain tone, which automatically makes me want to bow my head and reply "Yes Sir". Pretty interesting.

Another huge trigger....Master. He always says i am perceptive so i will say that Master has the unique ability to put me in a submissive mindset simply by the look on His face, the tone of His voice.....even just by the energy He is putting off. Hence why i have said in the past there are times, just by Him walking into the room, i have the innate urge to kneel. i am not saying that i dependent on Him to feel my submission, i feel that all the time but.....He can bring it out further with ease.

Hmmm...ahh yes, non-erotic humiliation. Being to told to walk in way described above was non-erotic but omg, it slammed me into such a submissive and humble mindset. The only erotic thought i had during that time was knowing that i was pleasing Master. i actually enjoy being pushed like that.....even if it is non-erotic. i guess that also puts triggers into the space of "having" to do something. i like it when Master "makes" me do something....

Cuffs, collar and leash-mmmmm. All three give me a sense of my submission, service and peace. they also make me feel a bit more like an owned slave and object which leads into objectification. i love is sooo arousing and i have gotten to the point were i can freely admit that i enjoy being told i am only good for fucking, that i am a good toy to play with, i am a slut.....all sorts of things. When i first met Master, words held little power and even less in the sexual realm. But now, Master can use words to make me feel all sorts of things...He has the power to do so.

Being held rope has it's own perfect, wonderful, erotic, arousing, submissive, vulnerable qualities that i will always crave and adore. But there have been times when Master will hold my wrists down when using me, pining me in a way that has it's omg qualities all on it's own. Master and i both know i am not going to go anywhere but the feel of His strength from His hands, His just soo.....egad, so wonderful! Even though we know i am not going anywhere....just His strength, His Dominance, is a vivid reminder as well as hugely arousing.

i think that is all for now...there are quite a few more but these are the ones that come to me with startling clarity. So these are my thoughts on all of these topics. If i think of anymore, i am sure i will post them at some point in time. But it was fun to write.....

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

All tied up in a bow- Part 2

Okay, so when i left off, it was k getting naked. lol After she took off all of her clothing, she was the first to get to try the whole nipples attached to the pull-up bar idea. It was actually pretty cool to watch. As she got comfortable,i asked permission to sit down on part of the bench that her body wasn't covering. Master and M seemed to like the sight and i was having fun lightly caressing her inner thighs. M was standing to one side, helping Master hold the bar while pieces of leather were tied to the clamps and bar. Now, one of the really cool things about the bowflex is that it is easy to add and subtract weight. At first, it was set on 10 (i think) and k was told to hold it. If she straightened her arms, the clover clamps would tighten and clamp down harder on her nipples. At first k did this with ease and then M and Master decided to add more weights. While They were doing this, i decided that payback never hurt anyone and i really started to rub k's inner thighs,lightly running my fingernails over her flesh and she would giggle a little.then k's arms started to shake a little.....her arms were getting tired and at the point in time, M started to time her to see how long she could hold on.Master and M also started to really pay attention to the bar.....if her hands slipped from fatigue, M and Master were there to make sure that bar would stay in place so she wouldn't get hurt. i think one of the coolest parts was to see how hard k was concentrating on keeping the bar close to her......when she had made it an additional 5 minutes, the nipple clamps were taken off and she was allowed to relax and sit up. Actually watching a scene, that up close and personal wasn't as intense as i thought it would have been. The entire time Master and M paid lots of attention to what was going on with k not to mention the conversation and the occasional bit of laughter. Even k herself let loose a couple of laughs from funny comments!So it had a fun and playful tone to it, which was really nice. After k got off the bowflex, Master decided i should try it to. i really like this idea(predicament bondage is so wonderful) and although i was a little nervous, i stayed still so Master could put the nipple clamps on. k has made the comment that it hurts the second time going on but i find even though it hurts more...i really enjoy it. i laid back and positioned myself to hold the pull-up bar. i wasn't really that nervous actually.....until the started adding weight to it! lol Then i got a little nervous but it wasn't that bad. i found i could hold onto it rather easily so in short order, Master and M added more weights. i was still doing really well when Master got out the harley. Omg!!!! i had not one clue on how to react to that.....there wasn't anything i could do really. *grin* i mean, k was holding the harley, i had this predicament bondage scene going on (thank You Sir!), Master was there the entire time. The vibe felt sooo good and the pressure on my nipples was amazing. i honestly forgot the weight on my arms fora little bit and i couldn't help but respond. i lost all track of time during this scene....majorly. lol i somehow ended up with my neck bent backwards having slid off the bench while still holding the bar! It was a little tough at first.....Master hadn't let other people use me sexually before. i did relax though....which was pretty nice. i honestly can't remember anything Master, M or k said for my brain wasn't fully functioning. i did love the way how i could let my arms stretch farther to increase the amount of pain on my nipples though. i will admit experimenting with that. lol At some point in time i do remember Master telling M (who was keeping time for me as well) that after15 minutes He wanted to stop. M laughed and said that i had passed that already!i think Master was surprised and i giggled....i hadn't realized how long i had been holding, oh i think, 60lbs of weight. (i am much stronger than i look)i didn't have an orgasm, which was a little upsetting (always is in a way)but i just kind of mentally shrugged my shoulders.. So the nipple clamps came off and somehow it was decided that using the cuffs on my ankles....attaching them to some bar above my head, sounded like fun. lol i agreed and i was very excited to try it out. Master got me all set up and then He brought out the strap!!! i wasn't expecting that at all and was a little "omg" in my head. Sure enough, Master started to strike on the back of my thighs. At first i stung!!lol i kept moving (well tried) my legs. Since they were attached above me, i couldn't move and was wonderful. It honestly took a few minutes (maybe more) when i started to feel the onset of sup-space but wasn't able to really fully fall into it. It was interesting to be so exposed as well as it put me in this very nice submissive mindset (somehow more than i was already) and even though it was a challenge it was very arousing at the same time. After Master was done with me (i love saying that!) He unattached everything and i sat up. Next time i will go slower. lol my eyes actually crossed! i just had this huuugee head rush and got very dizzy for a minute. When i tried to stand up, i got dizzy again. Once i got my composure (and balance*grin*) i was able to walk around and such. i was a little quiet though and i started to sink into myself. Something didn't feel right but i tried to shrug it off. M and k had to get going, so k got dressed and well all commented that it had been very fun to see each other and play a little. It was very nice to see M and k.....and i wasn't the only naked person!! lol After hugs had been exchanged and goodbye's said, Master sat me down and we had a talk.i was still a little quiet and unsure of what i was feeling but after talking to Him, i felt better and a little silly. Master assured me that it was okay and that that is the reason why i need to be honest with how i am feeling. Overall,the night was very very fun and if something like that should happen again, i am sure that i will be able to relax even more.. (it is always the hardest the first time....well maybe not but that is another entry)

Thursday, July 17, 2008

All tied up in a bow!

Hey everyone in bloggerland, long time no write!! lol i know, i didn't write but i promise i have a good reason. my comp broke down not once but twice during the time i was supposed to have for myself. So jumping right in to everything that has happened these past few months....whew.....that is a lot. lol Lots of discussions, quite a few times and as nothing is a perfect, a few moments of drama have occurred. Before i even get into the rest of this, i had a visit with Master a few weeks ago and ended up doing a scene with Master, M and k that i definitely was not expecting. i knew something was up, i just didn't know what. Well, Master invited M and k over for dinner. Of course we had fun!! i love being around those two as there is always something up for discussion. After dinner (and i once again was given permission to use the dishwasher for the dishes- thank You Sir!) i was picking up the little bit left of the dishes when Master, M and k all went into Master spare bedroom so He could show them the new bowflex gym He bought. i didn't think anything of it, i just kept putting up the dishes and get the kitchen looking lovely. When i was done, i think it was M who came in and i ended up following him out of the kitchen. When i looked into the room, Master was there, making a joke with M. (Or something......i think They were laughing over what Master had in mind. k was there and i joined in on the discussion. Turns out Master's idea for the night was to attach my nipples to the bar with nipple clamps. With weights on it no less!! Being honest, my first reaction was- uh-huh no way in nipples will get ripped off!! lol That really is what i was thinking at first. Then, after the shock wore off, i was insanely curious. i love nipple torture and i knew Master wouldn't let my nipples rip off. One, that would be really really bad and two- that would have been one less thing He would be able to play with. (just had to add that) So Master went and got the clamps, came back in and told me to strip. i have been naked in front of M and k so many times, Master could have told me to go get a drink of water. *grin* Yes, it still makes me giggle a little but i am okay with it. Well.....Master decided to get out the clover clamps....i love those things as much as i dread Him putting them on. lol Before anything else occurred though, Master decided to tie me up!!! i saw the rope and all that went through my head was "yes yes yes, thank You thank You!!" *grin* Oh, how i missed the feel of rope on my body, the arousal that hits me so hard, the submissive mindset it brings me to, know that when i am tied Master can do whatever comes to His mind and i can't change a thing about it. Another reason why i adore being tied is because when i am tied, i can't move. There are things, like the cane or strap or even His stinger (surprise) that i don't always (sometimes i do lol) want to move away from and the rope keeps my body from having that natural reaction. So, rope and bondage is good, very very good. He had me stand and put me in a bondage tie that had my arms and hands behind my back. Naked, He had me straddle the bowflex gym with my chest facing the bar that you're supposed to pull down. From there, Master took a rope (maybe the same one?) and tied my arms to the total gym so that i was still sitting but restricted how far i could lean forward. i let my weight fall forward and felt the tug and pull from the rope. i took solace in it and, for a few peaceful moments, simply let myself drift. However, Master once again gained my full, undivided attention (again lol) when He grabbed a nipple to put on the clamps. i always hold my breath at first feel of the clamp upon my nipple but i think they went on rather easy. (Big sigh of relief-lol) Initially, Master wanted to tie each nipple clamp on one side but as we tried that (with me giggling all the way) it was too much. i really was afraid that the weight was way too much and i think Master and M had the same idea. So, i think it was M who came up with the idea to attach both of my only one side. lol i honestly can't remember how Master did the time, i was paying quite a bit of attention to myself. my body first and foremost. As with anything that is new, it is always a great, wonderful idea to give feedback if something doesn't feel right. The other reason is because i wanted to giggle so, so bad. Whenever i get super nervous or unsure, i giggle. Master knows this and thankfully doesn't mind. But i was incredibly nervous. i didn't know what this was going to feel like and even though Master and M had a hold of the bar so it wouldn't jerk, the litany of "omg omg omg" was running through my head. But....not so bad. In fact, the burning from my nipple being pulled along with rope and me letting my body naturally fall forward, i was heading into a great meditative state. All of giggling, the joking and talking started to blur away, heading into the back of my mind, a place where i wasn't really all there. Almost like subspace and i think i could have stayed there....except that my fingers began going numb. Darn!! lol i actually contemplated not saying anything but.....i knew it wasn't the best idea and as Master's slave, it is my job to Him when something feels weird. So it was with a small feeling of regret, i told Master 2 of my fingers had gone numb. When M and k heard this, they both agreed that numb parts from being tied isn't a good thing. Master said it was good that i had told Him and untied my arms. Being honest, i didn't realize how numb they were until Master told me i could move. Goodness!!! lol i flexed my arms, stood up after being given permission to do so, when Master and M came up with an idea to tie the nipple clamps to the bar in a pull up position, so that way the submissive would have to keep her arms close to her or they would pull on her nipples. (They're so evil.....but k and i loved it!) i made the comment (kind of pouty like) that it wasn't fair i was always the only one naked. Master and M laughed, k said she wasn't fully comfortable with getting naked. A big scene a few days earlier caused bruises that were still there-in k's words, she looked like she had been in a car wreck but i'll always think she is beautiful-Master and M agreed with me. M just looked at her and told her to strip-simple as that. Then i wasn't the only sub/slave naked in the room and whoa boy, did the night get a whole lot more interesting....