Sunday, January 27, 2008


After taking M and k's coats, we all gravitated to Master's kitchen. There we sat and spoke while making a pizza and drinking some wine. i was still within that wonderful deep submissive mindset and was quite content to sit back and listen to everyone else speak around me. After a while i started to come out of that mindset, became more talkative and was sipping the wine Master was allowing me to have. Some wonderful conversations....lots of stuff to laugh about. BDSM, the lifestyle, k doing some projects and modeling and of course the everyday vanilla life we all live. With M and k, there is always interesting conversation to be had. There are things to catch up on and talking about possible plans for the future. At one point in time, the topic of some pictures i brought with me on this trip got brought up. They are pics of when i was younger and a lot less inhibited, to say the very least. Master had me go get them and at first i was blushing at the idea but soon it did not bother me. i know that M and k have probably seen more graphic things during their time involved with BDSM. They did like the pics though. lol Which brought up the next thing that happened. After we had all eaten dinner and such, Master explained that He wanted some BDSM themed pics of He and i taken. i was actually very was the first time that Master and i have ever been in a photo together. As silly and as small as a picture is, i was really looking forward to it. M said the He didn't mind being the photographer and k had fun dressing me up. lol The first thing i was wearing was the wrist and ankle cuffs with heels. Completely naked but as always, i felt dressed with the cuffs on. i was so....anxious/excited that Master decided to let me wear them. Going into position to put them on started to put me back into that mindset. Not the cuffs so much as it was doing the positions. But absolutely lovely anyways. As i was getting the cuffs on, M took some candid shots of k...soo cute! lol Then Master and M got down to business. Changing the lighting, k helping with poses, straightening my hair, making suggestions. It was so much fun to do! Doing the poses with Master made me feel very submissive and again put me into a wonderful head space. There is one where i am on my knees and my hands are behind my head. Also know as pos.4. Well one of Master's hand is in my hair, gripping it tightly and the other was gripping my wrist. Not painfully so but very firm. i must admit i was getting aroused being there at His feet with His hands holding me there. ::shiver:: Oh yes, lots and lots of fun. lol To fast forward a bit, after the BDSM pics were done, k and i went back into Master's room where she got to "dress me up". lol So i was put in black stockings, heels and a garter with rhinestones. Nothing else. Such a sexy outfit...i had little images of being used in that actually. i walked out into the living room where the only expression i was looking for was Master's. The look of approval on His face made my night. He was very pleased with how i looked and i was so happy about that. So back to posing i went and at one point in time, M was talking about something and i said something in the form of a joke. Well....Master and M decided that i was being a little bratty so M got to spank me. i did apologize but Master has a pic that He says is priceless. The look on my face is anything but contrite. ::Blush:: i suppose even i have my days, although i try for it not to happen often. Overall M was cool with everything and all of us even got a laugh out of it. On the way back to Master's bedroom to do another change, k snapped the garter belt. It stung and i had the evil little thought of revenge. So i called from the bedroom to Master and M if i may please have permission to get k back. lol Well, Master said He did not mind and M said "What's the magic word?". k was mouthing it to me and i just didn't get it. lol Then M (a mind reader like Master, i swear) said "It is the word k is mouthing to you right now!" The word was "now" and once i said it, M gave me permission and smack!! i got k on the ass with my hand. (i had fun with that actually- lol) After the fun and frolic i got changed. The next set of pics i was wearing red. Now that is something i do not really often wear but k and i thought it could be nice and even Master said to go ahead and wear it. i even put on red lipstick- which Master didn't like really, so needless to say, i took it off. (i did get a pic from it though) Again, back to changing. i did a lot of that really. The next was a purple number which Master liked very much. His favorite color is purple so i wasn't too surprised really. But He has possession of a number of photos from the purple. Lots of "jessica rabbit" poses is what He calls them. you know, i forgot to put in here that eventually, k ended up with her top and bra off! That was very nice, as always. ::grin:: i have always said that i enjoy k being naked very much and that opinion has not changed in the least. After everything had been put away, we all stood around talking for a little bit longer before M and k said that they had to go. There was a New Year's Eve party they were planning on attending and they didn't want to be late. So shortly we all said good bye and wished each other a happy new years. The entire photo shoot was extremely fun but i must admit, just hanging out with M and k was wonderful by itself. Out off all the pics and there was quite a few, Master chose His favorites to keep and i was even allowed to pick a couple i really liked.So Master even sent me a couple of the pics of He and i....i have my favorite of course. In it, the only words i can think of when it comes to His expression is tender and gentle, with a slight smile on His face. (so i have a mushy side after all lol) And yet, if you were to look closer, the Dominance Master has is apparent. From His expression to His body language, it is there. He is looking down at me, hand in my hair, fisted tightly. i remember holding onto His jacket and looking into His eyes. The fact that M and k were there blurred and, in my mind, He and i were just as we are. Master and slave. But again, it is a very nice pic and i was very happy that Master sent it to me. A very great time had by all and hopefully we will run into each other again soon.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Forging a submissive mindset:: Obedience re-affirmed

Master led me back into the main part of the house. i saw where i was going but things were feeling a little surreal. i felt there but i didn't feel is that for confusing? lol i walked on shaky legs, my mind trying to work, trying to function at full capacity but to no avail. i still wondered what it was Master was going to do or have me do, the memories seem now of that particular moment seem a bit hazy. i remember being led in His room and standing there for a moment. i remember Master using my mouth but i cannot seem to remember what position i was in or how it came about. i do remember that it felt like the most natural thing in the world to suck Master's c*ck and that i felt happy that i was allowed to serve Him in such an erotic manner. That is all i could think i may serve Him and although that is usually on my mind, in this instance it was so amplified. my focus on Master was intense....every movement He made, what He wanted.....i was sinking deeper and deeper into to that place of unthinking obedience. After Master had used me until He came, He stood and went about doing various things. It wasn't more than a few minutes when i asked Master if i may have permission to take a shower....M and k were to show up soon and i knew that Master would want me looking my best. He gave me permission and i busied myself getting clothing and such ready. i felt a little spacey but giggly and yet also calm in a way. As timing would have it, i had just finished up getting my things together when Master came into the bathroom. He looked at me and while His head nodded in the direction of the shower, Master told me to get in and kneel. i drew in a slightly shaking breath and followed His instructions. After i got into the shower, it occurred to me how shaky i still was and took a deep breath in to relax and calm myself. i stayed there kneeling, mouth slightly open and cautiously raising my eyes to meet His, when Master started to pee on me. At first He started at my chest but quickly moved to my mouth. As i felt my mouth start to fill, i had a small wave of panic come over me. Every time Master does this, natural instinct tells me to either close my mouth or to push it out of my mouth and i fight it every time. i have to focus on Master and the fact that i know that He would be pleased if i swallowed, i focus on my submission and draw strength to do the opposite of what my body wants me to do. Even though i enjoy golden showers and even find the erotic aspect in it, it can still be hard to swallow those first few moments. When my mouth filled the first time, i gently pushed some of it out and swallow the rest. Then again i opened my mouth and this became a repetitive action, each time becoming easier and easier as i ceased to think about swallowing. It became...not instinct but..... something else. Like i had moved past the boundaries of thought and cause to a place where it was something i accepted without reservation. So i stayed there, in that mind set, falling deeper into that space of submission and acceptance. When Master was done, He was still holding His c*ck and i knew He wanted me to kiss it....a form of c*ck worship. While still in pos.4 i raised up and kissed His c*ck, lightly licking to remove the couple of droplets left behind. For some reason, my entire being locked onto to pleasuring Master and the next thing i knew, Master was allowing me to suck His c*ck yet again. (lucky slave!!!) Master allowed me to service Him for a few minutes and then withdrew from my mouth and proceeded to zip up His pants and such. Most of the time when He has me stop servicing Him, i pout a little bit on the Just being honest. This time though, i leaned back on my heels, calm and focused and just waited for what Master wanted me to do next and i looked up at Him and smiled. He looked at me, said "good girl", then smiled. Oh, how sometimes i feel as though i live for those words and looks that only Master can give when i have pleased Him. (anyone else calling me a good girl would probably get laughed at....come to think of it, Master is the only one i can think that has ever used that term for me) He suggested that i now take my shower and was kind enough to allow me out of the shower while He started it and got it toasty warm. Hmm.....delicious warm water feels very good. lol As i stood in the shower, that supreme feeling of submission, surrealism and acceptance came largely into play and i found myself drifting off into my own little world. Part of me would have loved to just lay there, with the shower on my back but i knew that i had to get ready for Master's guests. It sucks trying to make yourself function when all you want to do is curl up in a little ball and cuddle. lol But i manged enough to wash my hair, put up the floor mat for the shower and get ready for the night. As soon as i was finished though, i stopped trying to make myself function (mentally) and just relaxed into what i was feeling. At that point and time, i was at the point of unquestioning obedience. i know, deep inside, that anything Master could have asked on me would have been done without hesitation or question. i didn't feel as though i could really make any decisions....i knew what needed to be done around His home but other than that, i felt as though making decisions was beyond my ability at that point. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, i know that me being able to reach that mindset is related to how much i trust Master. When M and k showed up a few minutes later, i knew that they would understand what was going on and didn't try to make myself outgoing or talkative. i just stayed in my own little head space of submission and took their coats after quietly saying hello. M looked at me and made a friendly joke about my demeanor.....normally i would have laughed with Master and them but all i did was smile sweetly. M asked Master what was going on and He told them what happened. Not in any great detail but the jist of it all. As i thought they would, M and k understood immediately, so i was under no pressure to hurry out of the head space i was in. my body was still tired but i soon regained some energy after walking into the kitchen with everyone. So my day went as follows....had a good morning, followed by frustration, then disobedience and disrespect, sadness, worry/confusion, forced orgasm, pain to arousal and ultimately a very, very deep submissive mindset. Master took my screw-up with disobedience and disrespect and, instead of punishing me, led me into a space of the extreme exact opposite. Long, interesting day and the night was not quiet over with.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Forging a submissive mindset::Pain & Pleasure

i giggled.....i couldn't help was the only thing my frantic brain would allow me to do. i calmly (as possible) looked at Sir and said how cool i thought the perch looked. In side, i was a trembling mass of nerves. As i moved to stand over the harley, Master leaned over to adjust it so it was right against my cu*t. Just having it sit there, knowing what it would do to me, my emotions running at high speed and uncertain of what would happen made me feel off kilter, even more so than before. i wasn't sure if this was going to be a punishment or if this was Master using me but i soon found out. After i was positioned the way Master decided and the harley was firmly against my cu*t, Sir grabbed some rope and proceed to my legs so that i could not move away from the perch. i was on my tiptoes the entire time and was soon finding out how hard it could be to stay that way. At the time, my mind was going "this isn't so bad.....just stay relaxed every where else but your legs and omg.....i really can't move!" While Master finished tying my legs, i took a couple of deep breaths trying to stay my nerves and thoughts. When He was finished, Master looked at me, grinned with that "just-you-wait" grin and said something to the effect that He remembered that i asked to try the harley on high. All i could do was swallow, my eyes closing and the giggle from nerves that was in my throat erupted. i simply replied "yes Sir" as i was sure no other words were needed. Master turned the harley on high and my body, even though i was tied, tried to jump away. Constant arousal and no cumming (my body was just being "off" this visit for some reason) made my cu*t so sensitive, that for a second, i thought i was going to cum immediately. But i didn't, so instead it continued to cause a whole load of sensations. my mind had become blank.....all i could think was "" i moaned, squirmed and tensed up. i became very thankful that Master did not tie my hands about me head, for my hands ended up grabbing the perch. All in an attempt to breath and hold on to something. lol For the most part, i was staying on my toes pretty well, feeling the sensations from the vibe when Master effectively threw me off balance yet again. i was standing, focusing on staying on my toes when i felt the stingy flogger on my back. my concentration broke, my weight fell on the vibe. The sensations from the vibe increased so much so fast and the sting of the flogger was lol It is hard to explain....the flogger hurt...i cried out and then swiftly moaned immediately afterward...that amazing pleasure/pain aspect came into play and within a few strokes i was asking Master if His slut may please have permission to cum for Him. He gave me permission and after i had yelled out with the orgasm i was allowed to have, my body naturally dropped to the floor. Big mistake....i was sensitive and the pressure of my cu*t on the vibe was too much. i gasped and i instantly raised myself back onto my toes to avoid the sting from a slight too much sensations. i wavered a little bit, holding onto the perch for balance. (Actually i pretty much held onto the perch the entire time-lol) Even though i was on my toes (as much as i could be) the harley was still hitting my cu*t. However, after about minute, the vibrations turned back into pleasure and i was able to breath just a little bit easier. At the time i was thinking that Master was done with me and that i would be allowed to get down but that was not His intention. He had me still stand there, moaning, slightly shaky, aroused and wet. i can't remember exactly how much time passes....time no longer had any meaning for me. i was just feeling....not thinking to much, just reacting to what was happening. At some point in time, Master went and got the crop and started with the back of my thighs. Ahhhh.....that stung first. my legs would tense up and although at first i was trying to concentrate on my legs, it became the last thing i wanted to think about. Staying on my toes was beginning to hurt...i was feeling a slight burn in my calves and all i wanted to do was put my legs down. i think Master switched back to the flogger for a time and then back to the crop. Whenever Sir does this, i can't seem to keep up (mentally) with what He is doing, which i have learned is one way to make me break down emotionally. Which accounts for what happened. i was completely lost in the feeling of the crop and the harley, the pleasure either inter-mixing or greater than whatever pain my legs and over-sensitive cu*t where feeling, when the urge to cum made itself known. Part of me wasn't sure about cumming but i didn't fight it and i asked Master if i again may have permission to cum for Him. He did not give me permission right away and i grabbed the perch so hard my knuckles turned white...i was panting, trying to breath to not cum unless i had permission. Even in my aroused and foggy brain, i knew i had to try my best to not cum unless Master said i could. He stayed silent for a moment and then said "Do you really need to cum?" i replied in a breathless voice, "yes Sir...please may Your slut cum for You please Sir?" He said "yes chai, you may" and when i started to cum, my weight yet again fell onto the vibe. Goodness....i think i shrieked after i came and came back on my toes faster than i could think. i did not, by any means, want that thing to touch my cu*t at that moment but the way Master had it set up it was anyways. At least it wasn't as intense since i was farther away from it but even then it thrust me to another orgasm building. By that time, all the moving i had done, the ropes had loosed just enough for my cu*t to be able to slide back and forth across the vibe and my hips moved of their own accord. When i realized what i was doing, i stopped but Master said "Go ahead, you may move your hips" and then, it felt like i had no control over my own body. i was panting, moaning, moving....a little sweaty (just a little) and although i was tired, there was no way i could refuse or even object to anything Master wanted of me. By this time, my legs were so tired that it was officially painful to stay on my toes and part of me wanted to just rest. i had my head down, arms on the perch, when the next thing i knew, Sir was standing beside me. He grabbed my hair, pulled me so i was facing Him and asked in a hard and commanding tone "Do you want to cum for Me?" i looked at Him, all pretenses and defenses gone and whimpered. i replied "i don't know Sir......" "Do you feel another orgasm building?" i whimpered again..."yes Sir" He let go and i put myself again closer to the perch. It was then (i think) that the vibe had somewhat moved so Master moved it back and bam! There it was, fully hitting my cu*t and i yelped, moaned and shuddered. i was constantly making noise, unable to hold anything back, when Master stood behind me, grabbed my hips and pressed His crotch against my very hot, very wet, bare ass. i could feel the hardness from His cock and my eyes rolled back into my head. Too erotic and had i been able to formulate words in a coherent manner, i would have begged for Him to fuck me. my body moved against His jeans, seeking further contact, His hands on my hips, helping my hips move up and down was so very erotic.... Sir's hands tightened. In a low, hard, intense tone of voice He said to me "Do you feel that? That is what your submission does for me." All i can say, i was soooo gone. i was no longer there mentally...i felt.....without a single doubt in the entire world, completely, utterly, owned. As in all i could feel was that i was His, my entire being leaning on His instructions. my legs were hurt to simply move, my stomach was feeling sore from standing up for so long and cumming, my whole body felt fatigued but this is what Master wanted and i couldn't resist anything. my brain was foggy from pain and pleasure, earlier instances had left me feeling open before Master even told me to get into the dungeon and i was just......bare. i kept moving against Him, against the vibe when i had to ask for permission to cum. Master gave permission and i screamed. ::grin:: i'll admit it, i did. It was intense and harsh, my whole body releasing any energy i had left in that one action. As soon as my orgasm was over, Sir somehow appeared by my side and the words flew out of my mouth before i could think of them. " more Sir" my breath was shaky, my whole body tense. i could feel every bit of pain and i dreaded having another orgasm. i was tired.....and although i knew that my simple plea may not convince Him to let me stop, i was very grateful when Master said in a soft tone, "yes, you can stop now" i raised myself on very shaky and weak legs while Sir turned off the vibe and lowered it, so that i could lower my body to the floor. Even though i wanted to drop, i stayed in position until Master said i could lower myself. He untied my legs and gave me a hand, so that i may step off the perch. i was quiet....sinking into myself.....feeling that mindset of total obedience. As He led me out of the dungeon i was unsure of what would happen next, but i soon found out what else Master desired to do.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Work before play

Hello to all in "bloggerland"! lol i promise i haven't gone anywhere but i have been very busy as of late as i have started back with school and entered college. Yay!! It is a lot harder than i thought it would be and being honest, not as much fun as writing for my blog. ::grin:: But i must focus on my studies. In fact, Master even made a rule about blogging, just so He would know i was staying focused. i am not allowed to blog or anything like that until my homework is done. Pure and simple. It isn't easy but i know that Master has my best interests at heart and when i get frustrated at not writing, i remind myself of a few key facts. 1) i get to write for the blog because Master allows me to. i know that if He ever wants to, Master has the password and can always delete the blog if He so chooses. 2) Master does have my best interests at heart and that He is right when He says that school needs to come first and last but in no means least, 3) Sir is my Master and His rules go, no allowance for disobedience. i am His slave and i will obey Him, even if i get frustrated at times. But do not worry, i have permission to write when i can (after homework!!) and i hope to post something in the next day or two. i can't wait to post what happened next.....

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Forging a submissive mindset :: The screw-up

The day started out fine for the most part. Master and i awoke a little earlier than usual, for He had made an appointment to get His cable for the tv fixed. Well the guy was taking what felt like forever to arrive and i could see that Master was becoming more and more agitated. i felt bad that things were not going well and even worse for the situation when the guy didn't show up at all. Needless to say, Master was not pleased. What happened next in no way justifies my actions and in fact made things a little worse. Here goes. i had been saying "i'm sorry" to Sir all morning, not knowing what else to do, knowing that nothing more could be done. i just didn't know how to make Him feel better and the more it was apparent that i couldn't, the more agitated and frustrated i became. i love making Master's life easier and i just couldn't this time. i hated the with all my friends, when something goes wrong, i am the first to try and comfort them or cheer them up. With this, i felt lost. Master and i were standing at the fridge getting ready to make lunch when "it" happened. i said i was sorry for about the umpteenth time and now agitated with me, Master told me to stop saying i was sorry. Instead of just simple responding "Yes Sir, it is just that i know You are not happy and i am unsure of what else to do" (what i seriously wish i would have said), i went off. i said something around the lines of "What? i can't say that i am sorry that Your day has sucked so far? i'm not allowed to feel bad?.........Sir" By the time i finished that sentence, i was yelling and when i saw His eyes flash all i could think was, "Oh God, what did i just do??" Suddenly i felt like the proverbial rabbit facing a snake. i knew beyond all shadow of doubt that i had way, way over stepped my bounds. i was in shock.....i remember just standing there, unable to formulate words, even though my brain was screaming at me to say something, anything. Master turned and without a word, continued to make His lunch. i was silent.....i washed a few dishes all the while wondering what would happen and feeling worse by the second. i kept repeating in my head, "stupid, stupid, stupid......what the hell did you just do.....omg, i am so f*cked and do i fix this....should i try to talk to Him......aghhhh, i can feel how angry He is.....oh, i'm so sorry" i did speak to Master a couple of time...testing the water to see if i could speak with Him. All i got was short, curt replies, probably more than i deserved. By the time He got done making His lunch i was desperate.....the emotions flying in me faster than i could think, feeling like i could burst from the intensity. As we walked over to the table Master firmly grabbed and stopped me. He had me face Him and in a quiet voice, spoke to me. Told me, very firmly i might add, that the next time i felt as though i needed to express my opinion, i should do it in a more courteous and appropriate manner. Or something like that, honestly it is a little bit of a blur. i could hear the anger and even worse, the disappointment in His voice. Knowing that i had disappointed Master hurt so much i felt frozen. The tense wire that had built within me felt like it was going to snap. my heart was racing, the repetitive litany of "i'm sorry" running through my head. All i could do was stand there, hands behind my back, head bowed down and listen. i couldn't look at voice was barely above a whisper, when replying "Yes Sir" Part of me was afraid of what punishment Master may have in store for me, the other part of me knew i more than deserved it, i felt as though i deserved one. After that quick speaking to, Master went around me and sat down to eat His lunch. i sat down as well but i was unable to eat. my stomach was rolling, turning and the thought of food was unappealing when all i wanted to do was cry. As Master sat calmly eating His lunch, tears that had been threatening to spill over started to roll down my face. Quietly, i sat with my face either averted to face outside or facing my lap. Being honest, for the span of about a minute, i fought like crazy trying to hold them back, until a lesson i had learned sometime ago flew through my head. If i did not let myself feel, i wasn't fully submitting. There was nothing wrong with crying, i had done something wrong, felt bad and it was a way of expressing it. But i still did not break down as much as i could have. (The thought of just sobbing on the kitchen table while Master was eating His lunch was ghastly- but i did not dare to ask permission to slink off to some corner to cry) He asked me if i wanted to cry and i just about broke down anyways when i told Him "i already am Sir" i was teetering on that fine edge of control and responding made that fine line even thinner, if that was possible. Yes i know i was holding myself back emotionally but for those whom are curious, that has already been discussed between Master and i. When the worst of what i was feeling was over, i told Master that even though the way i had expressed myself was completely wrong, i still meant what i said. i tried to explain to Him that with all of my close friends, i am always the first to try and comfort them or cheer them up and that i was feeling frustrated that i couldn't find a way to do so earlier. Master said that He understood but that i had yelled at the very person whom i was trying to make feel better. That statement alone brought me back to the brink of tears...because it was true. i felt so guilty for what i had done and even now, the memory makes me cringe. He also said that saying sorry all the time, dulls the feeling behind it and that i should not apologize for the world. That is not my responsibility. Very true and very good advice. So now i am trying to break the habit. Master and i spoke for a few more minutes and i managed to eat about half of my lunch (it was all i could handle) and then i started to clean up. Master walked around doing various things and although i heard Him, admittedly i wasn't paying that much attention. Even though it was over and i hadn't been punished, i couldn't shake the feelings i was having. Washing the dishes, wiping the counters, everything that i normally do, became automatic. As i finished the dishes, Master came and stood behind me. i turned to Him and quietly said "hello Sir". i started to turn back when He stopped me and told me that He wanted a hug. i am not really sure what i was expecting....a punishment still or anger maybe but not a hug. When Master stated that that is what He wanted, my heart jumped even though in my head i asked myself if i really deserved the privilege of hugging Him. Careful to put the sponge back in it's place and wipe my hands dry (as much i wanted to throw myself into His arms, i was not about to get His shirt wet) and turned to Him. As His strong arms wrapped around me, i could feel that He was no longer mad with me. It was then that i really comprehended that it was over and that everything would be okay. What happened next threw me for a loop. After releasing me, Master said to go to the dungeon. i knew what was in there and what He had wanted to do and His instructions sent my mind racing once again. i wasn't sure if He wanted to use me or punish me and in my moment of trying to find balance i told Master that i had not wiped out the sink yet. (water spots are yucky as well it is part of what i am to do every time i use the sink) He then said, "Don't worry about it, do it later" That floored me....i even think my mouth dropped open with that one. i had no idea what was happening and Master's instructions to leave it alone was unusual to say the least. i said "Yes Sir" and went into the dungeon still bewildered, with Master following me in. When i got inside, i saw that He had the perch set up, with the harley attached. At this point i still had no idea what was going to happen and a part of me honestly was not in the mindset for being used. (Not that matters, just saying) Even though i was trying to move past it, i still felt bad so when Master instructed me to brace myself over the harley, all i could think was omg and wonder what would happen next.

Friday, January 4, 2008


This visit to Master was....interesting to say the least. Something new happened that was pretty cool...well, actually a couple of new things happened. lol The cane, dungeon, forced orgasm, golden showers, subspace.....all held a different or new aspect. Needless to say, all of those were good, wonderful things. As was watching movies, bike riding and just relaxing with Master. But, in this visit, some hard things happened as well. Such as i stepping out of line and yelling at Master and forgetting a simple basic rule that has been in place since the day i became His. So some tough stuff (emotionally) took place, inner struggles with myself and Sir having to guide me back into place. Some lessons were learned and some reminders were given, from not only Master but from myself as well. M and k came over for a little while and New Year's night was a lot of fun. As i am sure everyone is curious and i am eager to write, i think i will just jump right in.

Master told me to lay on the bed, face down. i readily complied, not altogether certain what He was going to do. i buried my head into His comforter but somehow i cannot remember what i did with my hands. i heard Him walk to the side of the bed and heard the closet door open. The next thing i felt was a whisper of wind and the butterfly touch of the cane up and down my thighs. i shivered and sucked in a small breath, focusing only on the gentle breeze. Part of me was nervous, although i enjoy the cane, it can also push my limits of pain if Master desires it to. i fought the urge to tense up and instead breathed, trying to relax. i felt the sting before i heard it and my body tensed in protest, while a part of me was sighing in relief. After a couple of strokes, my body would shiver from time to time. my mind would just not relax or slow down. It was racing somewhere, while i was trying to focus on relaxing. For some reason though, i could not find that space of relaxation. With each stroke, Master increased the intensity and as He has put it, i was fighting the cane strokes. i was not processing the strokes or the pain. Each stroke would leave a sting and burn in it's wake. What made it harder is that the burn would not easily subside and part of me wanted it to stop. What i do remember is my legs bending to cover my thighs and my ass, the same protective movement like when i jump to the wall if Master has me stand for a caning. i tried to give myself time in between each stroke, time to let some of the pain dull before i lowered my legs. Part of me was extremely nervous that Master would decide to strike the back of my thighs quickly and i found myself tensing up. i wanted to relax, my brain moving at a frantic pace trying to process everything but i just couldn't seem to simply.....let go and stop fighting. Master told me afterward that during that time my breathing became shallow and rapid and that He could see my entire body tensing. Even though i was tense and struggling with and fighting the caning Master was giving me, He did not slow or soften the strikes against my ass and thighs. Instead, He started to speak. Just words telling me to relax and to breath with gentle yet firm tones that seemed to fill the room. my mind, my being, grabbed onto to His voice and His voice became my focus. my mind slowed from the racing, i let go of myself and just followed His instructions. Each time He would tell me to relax, to breath, to let go, my body fell into the languid place of absolute relaxation. Without notice, nor really any warning, i fell into subspace and the bite of the cane diminished to where all i felt was the pressure of each cane stroke. Instead of the single point of pain, each stroke seemed to echo up and down my body. The sound of Master swinging the cane could have been birds singing i was that relaxed. The world around me diminished and the calm, steady darkness that is subspace surrounded me. i felt Master continue, somewhere in my mind i knew He was swinging harder but each stroke was not perceived as pain. Master told me that He was striking the back of my thighs pretty hard and i am sure that He was. When He was done, He allowed me to lie there although for how long i am not certain. i will say that i was nothing but a soft and mushy pile of submissive goo by the time He was done. That was the first time i have ever gone into subspace from the cane and even told Him how surprised i was. Master was surprised as well that i did. Why i fell into subspace that time, i am not all together sure. Normally it is thuddy (flogger and the crop after a fashion) that sends me into subspace but this time was different. If it will happen again, i have no idea. Perhaps it was something that my body and my masochistic self wanted that badly. Or perhaps (my personal theory) it was a level of acceptance to where i did not fight the pain in any way, even on a subconscious level. Later Master asked me about my ability to find subspace by listening to His voice and i have come to realize that i am one of those people, who if in the right mindset, can and will instantly obey suggestions and commands. i say this only because this is not the first time that Master has decided to use me in the fashion of erotic pain where i have relaxed simply by His voice and His command. Whatever the reason, it was absolutely wonderful and amazing.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Wishing Everyone...