Friday, August 31, 2007

slave collar

Since i know that this is something that everyone is wanting to read and i want to write about it so badly, here goes. As you all know by now, i am now officially Sir's slave. Mmmm....i love that. lol How this came about was not done in an elaborate ceremony, but rather in a way i had not imagined it to be honest. It was day 2 at Sir's house and we were sitting on His couch in silence, just enjoying each others presence. i was sitting there looking at His hands, sometimes touching them and was in a sub mindset that of contemplation. His hand's are large and yet so soft and i was a bit amazed in some ways how His hands, as soft as they are, can be so gentle, caring and soothing and yet bring me to such a submissive mindset by putting His hand in my hair or on my neck as well as erotic pain. i am not sure why my mind focused on His hands so much, i just did. Then came one of those moments, it was very much like the time when i asked Sir if i may have permission to become His submissive. i just felt something just clicked and it felt completely right. However, i also knew Sir was tired and He just wanted to relax. That and i was so nervous.... and excited and's kind of hard to explain really. It wasn't like i didn't already know the answer, it was just that verbalizing it was hard to do. i kept looking at Sir, over and over and He commented on it and i told Him that i was tiptoe-ing. When i looked at Him again, His eyes were closed and He had a big smile on His face. He knew what i was thinking and He knew what i was trying to do! lol In some ways that made it worse yet made me feel better as well. i kept burying my head into Him (something which i have come to realize i do when i am feeling vulnerable) and finally took a deep breath, and asked Sir if i may please have permission to become His slave. my voice sounded small even to my heart was pounding but it felt so good to say those words with certainty and care. Sir said something about that not being so hard and even had me giggling. To the best of my memory, Sir then had me look at Him while He told me that a collar was just a symbol, that slavery had to come from the mind and from the heart. i agreed completely and then Sir let me snuggle back up close to Him. He then asked me "What are you chai?" i was finally able to respond with "i am Your slave Sir." Sir then asked me if i would like to go and get the purple bag out of the guest room that had the new collar in it and instead of jumping up and down to go and get it, i asked Sir if i may please just stay next to Him for a few moments longer. It was one of those times when my emotional and mental being was focused solely on Sir. Focused on my Master. i didn't want to leave His warmth or that cocoon i seemed to be wrapped up in. i was content just saying i was His slave, having it confirmed and Sir giving His permission. Just wonderful i think. So that night, Sir did not put on the slave collar waiting patiently in the purple bag. That happened the next day and i was SO excited and smiling from ear to ear. As you all have seen, it is a beautiful collar and i must admit i got the butterflies (good ones) when He had me take off my old one and lift my hair so He could slip it on and then screw it shut. Sir is right, a collar does not a slave make....even without it, i would still be Sir's slave in every sense of the word. my place is at my Master's side or at His feet as long as He desires me there, collar or not. But to be honest, when i am feeling down or my day has been really rough and sometimes just because, i reach up and touch it......and smile.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Firsts:: Rubber Band Man

Another first this visit was Sir using a rubber band. Goodness those things hurt!! It is a very localized sting that burns for a few minutes even afterward. What had happened was that Sir was on the computer and i was standing next to Him. He signed off, turned His chair towards me and then looked down at His desk and saw the rubber band. Apparently Sir got the idea to use it because the next thing i know, He holds one side to my thigh with one hand with the other He pulled back the rubber band....i wanted to move SO bad. Omg....all i could think was "no no no...i KNOW that's gonna hurt, omg He is really going to do this, why is He smiling...oh yeah that's why...please don't do that Sir" lol i was giggling so bad because i was nervous and truly having to fight back the instinct to move away. i think it took quite a bit of my submission to stay standing where i was. Well He pulled back and "SNAP!!" and i went "Owwww.." and then giggling ensued. my hopes of Sir being done were dashed when He said something to the effect of it not being even (only marking one leg... Sir has a thing for symmetry) and i had to resign myself to the fact that i had no clue how long He was going to snap me with a rubber band. Still had to fight moving though, every single time. Sir got the front of my thighs, the back of my thighs, the underside of my breasts and even my nipples! A couple of times it didn't hurt so Sir decided to do it time Sir said "Well now that didn't hurt...guess I will have to do it again" and i replied, "If i pretended that it hurt would that help Sir?" lol He knew i was joking around and i got snapped once again. Near the end i started to feel the prick of tears behind my eyes...i wasn't emotionally upset, i think that the sharp quick pain of the snap and the seemingly never ending burning sensation that was left in it's wake got to me. As i have said before, if i have time to swallow the pain and absorb into my body i can handle quite a bit...but when it comes to something that lasts more than a minute or so (like the constant wasn't that bad, but so many places feeling that for about 5 minutes got to me) my tolerance deteriorates rather quickly. What would have happened if Sir would have been able to continue i have no idea. Why He wasn't able to continue was rather funny actually. Sir put the rubber band back on my thigh and pulled back about 6 inches...maybe more and all that was going through my head was ... "Omg, i will do anything if You won't pull that back so far....please, please, please, omg that is really going to hurt....ahhhhhhhhh" lol i actually pleaded with Sir not to do that but the grin on His face was one that i knew He was going to anyways. i honestly thought i was going to just burst with tears, but i still didn't move. jedi mind powers kicked in because just as it seemed Sir was about to let go, the rubber band broke. my relief was apparent and to be honest, Sir's face was comical. He looked at the rubber band like how dare it break when He was having so much fun. lol Sir started to laugh and i could not help but join in. As Sir stood up, i actually felt tears in my eyes that i wiped away. i will admit that i did get wet although i don't think i could say i was really aroused. i know that's a bit confusing, i am still trying to sort it out myself. All in all if Sir ever decided to do that again....i think it would be hard to do. Again, it wasn't killer pain or anything but having to voluntarily stand there, knowing that it was going to hurt did push my submission to stay still. Would i still do it? Of course if that is something Sir wanted to do again, i just don't think i would enjoy it that much, not that that matters any, just saying. Of course i could be wrong and with more experience come to enjoy it..but for now i think i would have to say, given a choice, i would probably decline. But again ... you just never know.......

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Firsts:: Anal beads

Anal beads. Oh goodness....i think i prefer the plug. lol Well...not really, i mean they are just so different from each other. Allow me to try and explain. The plug is solid and it is more of a filling sensation. With the beads i felt them but it wasn't as "filling" as the plug. What had happened is that Sir had me get into pos.8 and then applied some nipple clamps. More shivers...i think i missed those. That pinch of pain as the clamps are applied, that pain i can breath through and just absorb into my body that spreads as the clamps get tighter or like one time, Sir applies weights to them. That was a wonderful start i think, although i wasn't expecting His next move at all. He went and grabbed the anal beads and some lube and sat down behind me. my body tensed up, if no other reason than Sir hasn't used me in that fashion for some time. As Sir got ready to put each one in at a time, i breathed deeply and tried to get my whole body to relax. As much as i was a little nervous about this happening, i was also aroused at the same time. i can't help it, i like my ass being played with and used. lol Thanks to Sir having me do my butt plug training again before my visit, He told me that they went in rather easy. The anal beads going in didn't make me nervous, however, them coming out did. Sir once said that He would like to put those in and then get behind me with a crop in His hands and make me crawl so that they pop out and i got this vision in my head that i would be pretty sore by the time they would all come out. lol But this time, He just wanted me to stay still. He gave me a few minutes to adjust and then started to slowly pull them out one by one. i had to pull from my submission to stay still...i remember gripping the comforter so i wouldn't move...i certainly wasn't going to move forward...the beads coming out slowly felt weird enough, i didn't even want to know how they felt coming out fast. lol In some ways the sensations that they caused coming out was interesting and a little arousing. Part of me was just waiting for a little "popping" sound as Sir pulled them out. lol For some reason though, i started to say "no" out loud. That was very new as well. i wasn't yelling it or anything, really just a repetitive murmur. i have expressed to Sir in the past that i was nervous about saying no or anything like that because i was afraid of Him stopping and after the first "no" popped out and He didn't stop, i actually got this small wave of relief. It wasn't that i was actually saying no to what He was doing, it was more of an affirmation that this was something that pushed my comfort level. Verbally recognizing it was, in a way, breaking a wall down. i don't think i can explain it much better than that really, at least for the time being. But it felt good to say really allow myself to feel the discomfort of Sir not only pulling out the beads slowly but intently watching my ass as He did it. Even though this did push my comfort level a bit, it is still something i would be very willing to try again....the image of Sir behind me with a crop enters my brain...omg. lol Part of me wonders how long i could hold out before my ass started to get a little sore........

Monday, August 27, 2007

Firsts::Golden Showers Revisited

This visit, Sir and i went further into the exploration of golden showers. It had been quite a while since Sir was able to do that and in the time i had not seen Sir i had come to realize how much something like that touches my submission. The first time (during this visit) Sir had me kneel in the shower for Him to pee on me i was a bit nervous....well nervous mixed with anticipation really. Sometimes when Sir does something it takes up to a couple of days for it to fully sink in. This is up to and including either the fact that it happened or the importance of what happened. i am not sure why, maybe because it has been so long since i had seen Sir, a lot of things seemed new in some ways. This is a good example of that phenomenon. Although it had happened before, just kneeling in the shower as Sir instructed was an experience in itself. Before He even unzipped His pants i was slightly trembling on the inside and i could not help but to look into His eyes. i am not sure what He saw there but i remember Him smiling down at me. As He started to pee on me, He aimed mainly for my breasts as He has done in the past, although He moved the stream upwards and i was hit with a thought. i was thinking that part of me wanted to open my mouth but for some reason my mouth wouldn't open.... one of those cases when my body didn't obey my brain. As He finished a few droplets were on my upper lip and my curiosity grew and i opened my mouth and licked my upper lip. my first thought was that it didn't taste as i thought it would. i could probably attribute this to Sir having a very healthy diet, something i think i am grateful for. lol After all was said and done i looked into Sir's eyes and i had the urge to slip into pos.6. The depth of submission and humbleness i was feeling at that time was astounding. The second time Sir had me kneel in the shower i was a bit more mentally prepared for everything to happen. This time though, i opened my mouth...not much but enough i think, for Sir to effectively pee into my mouth. i didn't swallow...i don't think i was quite ready for that, so i just gently pushed it out of my mouth a couple of times. Same feeling of submission, but this time Sir took His thumb, ran it over my lips and into my mouth. Okay, no shame and no fear.....that, for me, not only tapped even further into my submission it was also incredibly erotic. Sir's hands on my body period arouses me but knowing that His urine was on His thumb rubbing my lips and into my mouth combined with that incredible depth of submission sent chills down my spine. Sir says that He wants to move forward with golden showers and i must admit that i am excited and eager to do so with Him. This is one of those times when i look back at myself and can see how my perceptions have changed and how not only i am doing things i never thought i would do in my entire life, but that i enjoy it very much. Incredible isn't it?

Sunday, August 26, 2007

i'm a bit tied up right now

According to the last poll, most people wanted to hear about some of the scenes that Sir and i have done. It was by His suggestion that i am writing this entry. A lot of things happened the week i was with Sir and i have this rather interesting habit of whenever Sir decides to use me, reality seems to get blurred a little bit. But here goes as the best to my recollection of this particular scene. i was lying on Sir's bed, face down, when i heard Him go into His closet....what He was getting out i had no idea, but i was pretty relaxed at the moment so i laid there silently. After He got whatever it was He wanted out of His closet, i opened my eyes to look...curiosity got the better of me. lol The next thing i know, Sir is tying my hand to the bed post with heart rate jumped up a little as He did that. When ever He ties me up i always get this rush of arousal and anticipation, sometimes touched with a bit of nervousness. i love being tied up but i never know what Sir is going to do when He gets me that way. lol This time i did not have long to find out though....He came over and tied my other hand and then moved down to my ankles so they were tied as well. As i laid there, i heard Sir walk over to the side of the bed and get something, although i wasn't sure what it would be....let me say Sir had plans. lol He used the flogger which within a few strokes had me craving subspace....for some reason, even though i love the cane and the crop, Sir's flogger seems to put me in subspace quicker than anything. i was almost teetering on the edge of subspace when Sir then decided to use His crop which is more of what i love. Being tied (it had been a while) was exciting to have done...when i am tied up it is almost like a mental trigger of letting go....i think. my hands would grab onto the rope, feel it brush against my skin, tighten up if i pulled on it....i was in submissive heaven. i must say i love that feeling of TPE when i am tied up. Don't get me wrong, i have given up total control to my Master and i feel it all the time, just at different levels. Being tied up is a good example of when that is brought to a more intense level. Back to the scene now. After Sir was done with the flogger and the crop, He pulled out the harley. All i could think was "omg" and i think i squealed when He turned it on. He had me raise up my ass and my legs were spread and my whole body was tight with anticipation. Anytime i hear that thing come on, my whole body seems to tighten up in response. Well Sir decided to use that on me which had me half-screaming, and moaning and twisting always. lol Sir then started to finger-fu*k me and after a few minutes and i felt an orgasm approaching. i asked Sir if His slut may please cum for Him and He gave me permission. i am glad my head was down although i don't think that muffled the noise i made any. i felt the orgasm start to rush over me and i remember i started to yell..and then it was almost like have two orgasms at once. One second i was feeling my orgasm rush over me and then the next it hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn't know i could scream that But i just couldn't stop....that was a long wonderful orgasm and i have very happy that Sir decided to let me experience it. Whew...when all of that was over Sir decided to use me in the fashion of fu*king me which i enjoyed very very much to be honest. i love pleasing Sir and being allowed to pleasure Him in any way He sees fit at the time. That entire scene was incredibly fun and i actually ended up laying face down on the bed quite a few more times for canings, but that is another entry.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Vanilla Moments

This is something that i woke remembering and wanted to write about. A few of the vanilla moments that Sir and i shared and some of the things that we did. So much fun and sometimes a little goofy, but make for wonderful memories.

~ Going to the movies. Sir and i went and watched 2 movies at the movie theater...the Bourne Ultimatum and Rush Hour 3. The Bourne Ultimatum was a really good film and i even jumped from some of the scenes. There was one really good scene at a station where the choreography with the characters was so awesome just to watch. The only bad thing was all the camera seemed like the camera man had the camera on his shoulder and was running everywhere with it. That and a lot of split second close ups and then backing away made my head spin a little. Sir said that He felt the same thing...but even with all the camera movements it was still a great film and the ending rocked. With Rush Hour 3 i do not think Sir and i have laughed that hard ever. lol We both had tears in our eyes and as usual Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker gave an excellent performance. It was great just sitting next to Sir enjoying a good movie, hanging out and just having fun.

~Pillow Yep you heard me right. Sir and i were laying in bed after He fu*ked me and He had braced Himself over me and said something...i wish i could remember what but i do remember that it was a sarcastic/humorous remark. i looked at the pillow next to my head and then looked to Sir thinking..."Hmmm...would it be worth it?" lol Sir read my mind once again, gave me that sexy "I dare you" grin and said..."Yes it's worth it." All i could think was "Yes!!" lol So i grabbed the pillow next to me and swung. Sir grabbed the other pillow and got me in the head. i started laughing saying it wasn't fair that He was stronger than me and that He was swinging faster than me...but i did manage to get in a few really good swings. lol As i told many slaves get permission to hit their Master in the head with a pillow?

~ Sir took me bike riding and i had such a great time with Him. He took me through this eucalyptus patch of trees and it smelled so nice. We rode by the ocean and soaked up the views....the air smelled wonderful and the weather was perfect. Other people and kids were out riding around and Sir and i would chat while riding, looking at everything and Sir pointing things out to me. We rode up this huge hill (at least it seemed like it to me) and it got so hard to pedal, but i did it. Sir kept encouraging me saying "Come on cutie..just a little bit more, you're almost there" and i discovered that i cannot ride and laugh at the same time. Sir saying that made me think of when He is using me and it starts to get tough and He tells me "Just a couple more" lol There were a couple of other women who were riding in the opposite direction who cheered me on when Sir and i were almost to the top. So cool. There was a time when Sir and i were going up another hill and He said something about me beating Him up the hill and i asked what i would get if i did. Sir said i would get a spanking so i geared up and went into a sprint. lol Can you blame me?? Well Sir said something and then started to push Himself and i started laughing and lost so fact i had to ask Sir if we could stop for a couple of mins because my legs were getting so tired. But it was still great and i got a wonderful view of His sexy. About halfway through the bike ride Sir took me to Jamba Juice...yay!! So He and i sat around and just chatted about the weather and what else we wanted to do that day and how much fun we have had so far. Then when we got close to the car we saw these HUGE kites on the beach, one with a 50ft tail so we hung around for a few min and just watched. We also got to see some classic cars...they were SO beautiful and there was one "gangster car" i told Sir i wanted to have sex in. There was one car Sir told me if i ever got rich i could buy for Him.....another gorgeous car. lol One thing Sir and i have in common...we both love cars. We also got to see some seals and ride around town a bit. i ended up with a slight sun burn but it was so worth every minute. Just an example of some of the vanilla moments that He and i share....sometimes just relaxing, other times goofy or active, but always fun.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Firsts:: Letting Him in

Another big first with Sir was sex. i know....all of you probably assumed that that had happened a long time ago (and in some ways it did with oral cock worship and throat fu*king). Some of you might have even been wondering why i never wrote about it. Now you know why....because it hadn't happened yet. There were a few reasons why Sir decided to put something like this on hold for a while. A couple of reasons would be that i haven't had a lot of good experiences regarding sex and Sir did not want to move to fast with me in that regard and i am thankful. If it had happened too soon who knows how i would have felt about it.....i think that it is better that there was a solid and strong emotional/mental foundation to our dynamic before exploring that avenue. Sir once said that if both parties have that mental and emotional connection then fu*king becomes much more intense and i must agree with Sir on that as well. ::Blushing:: Another reason would also be protection against pregnancy. Personally i think the first reason is more important than the second. you can be protected all you want but if it is something you are unsure of in the first place that makes for a negative situation. Well after Sir had given me my caning and we had climbed into bed i was a little nervous. lol This is something that Sir and i had discussed at great length so i was well informed that us having sex would occur. i still wasn't sure how or when though. i remember lying in bed with Sir and He just started to kiss me, being very gentle and slow, stealing away any apprehension i may have had. i think i could have kissed Him for hours if He wanted me to....i'm blushing on the inside. lol Right before we started to have sex, i had this moment of crystal clear realization of what i was about to do, what step in my journey with Sir i was about to take. In the past i saw myself being a bit uncertain and really very nervous but instead it just felt completely right. That step was a new aspect of my submission to Sir coming into play. In my mind, sex is an extremely private thing, it is something that i have always approached from an emotional point of some ways not only was i submitting to Sir on a physical level i was submitting to Him on a very personal emotional level as well. "Letting Him in" in more ways than one type of thing. So that was incredible in it's own right. Some of the emotions that that evoked i am still trying to put words to, but i can say that not only was it very erotic, i also felt safe and cherished. Now on the physical level....oh my god. lol Oh yes, i have to go there. Sir fu*king me is something i got quite addicted to during the week. i think that cock worship (His of course) still holds the number one spot, but omg, Sir fu*king me is about equal. i have never had sex for that length of time before in my life, plus i just have to say that Sir is talented. i was able truly let go and completely abandon myself to Him and to the sensations He was giving me. i felt claimed, owned and i loved every single minute of it. i once told Sir that i was afraid i would not be able to please Him in the regard of fu*king but He told me that i had pleased Him very much, which made me SO happy. More subbie goodness. lol This new step, new aspect of my submission to Sir solidified a couple of things in my mind. How i was for His use, for His pleasure, that fact that i am His was expanded upon, taken to a different level. It was a different type of emotional, mental and physical intensity all rolled into one act. i told you i took sex to be a very personal, private thing so i don't think there is any other way i could explain it, nor do i think i would want to. So i think i will sign off with saying that it was incredible, that connection with Sir, that depth of emotion and submission growing and i wouldn't change a thing.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


This is the start of a series called "Firsts" In it will be quite a few firsts that happened in the week spent with Sir. Here is the list..something for everyone to go by since i will probably be writing about other stuff in between installments of this series.

kneeling in pos 6 for Sir to get home


Sir peeing in my mouth

naked outdoors


anal beads

flogged by k

subspace in front of others

putting on a strap-on (and using it!!)

Since there will be other things written about besides this list, each installemt will have the title "First Series" and then the topic of discussion.

To start the series let me tell you about the first topic on my list. When we got back from the airport i was left alone in Sir's house for the first time. That was different....usually Sir is there but i made do with it being just me. lol Sir had me get naked almost immediately but He had to hurry up and get back to work so not to much happened before He left. The first thing i started on was His laundry, then some dishes and did general cleaning and picking up around His house (don't get me wrong Sir is very tidy.... i just did even more). Sir had "asked" (i love it when He does that lol) me to clean the toys in His toy bag, which gave me a dose of anticipation for i discovered some toys i had not yet seen but made a note to ask Him about when He got home. About 30 minutes before He was to arrive back home, i hopped into the shower, did my hair, makeup, put some lotion on and slipped into my high heels. This was to be the first time i was going to be waiting for Him, naked, in pos. 6 when He walked through the door. i was SO excited to do that for Him. As i slipped into position, i fell into that sub-space type of meditation and by the time i heard His car door close, i started to tremble just a bit. So much anticipation coursing through me and i was so immersed in my submission to Sir i could not think of anything else and even then i was feeling my submission more than thinking about it. i was kneeling there for His pleasure, so when He walked through His door, He would know without any words that i was His. i was kneeling out of submission, devotion and respect. When He walked through the door i could feel His eyes on me and the air subtly changed....i could almost see Him even though my head was bowed, i was that aware of His presence. When He stood beside me and was just looking down, i think my brain shut down because i honestly cannot remember if He said anything to me, i just remember His hand grabbing my hair and pulling me to a standing position. i was so gone into that i-am-all-Yours-do-with-me-what-You-will subspace mindset after that action. Very intense, emotionally and mentally. i loved it!!! lol Best part i got to do it everyday whenever He came home....i am so lucky. After pulling me up, Sir gave me a warm smile, said "good girl" and a kiss. i was very happy to see Him and i am pretty sure it showed. The fact that Sir loved coming home to that made me even happier and everyday i looked forward to Him walking through His door. What a wonderful thing i was allowed to do everyday...again i am such a lucky slave.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Where To Begin....

Okay, i know it's been long enough since i have written. As i sit here (on the plane going back to my home) my hand reaches up and touches the collar around my slave collar. That in itself is another story, one i promise to tell you soon. my mind does a quick re-wind over the past week and how things have changed in the dynamic with Sir. Well, not really changed, just solidified (even more) in some ways. Nope- no answers this time...this is just an overview....sorry. ::grins:: lol The plane ride (to Sir) went quickly enough i suppose....when i finally got off the plane i was so excited i was shaking a little bit. In some ways it felt like the first time i met Sir....nervous and so excited all at the same time. All i could think was how long it had been since i had seen Sir, how much i missed Him and how much i was looking forward to being able to serve Him once again. We were on the phone and Sir was telling me where He was in the airport when voila....there He was!! lol When i got to the bottom of the escalator i had to push down the urge to pretty much just jump on Sir. i got big hugs though so i was one very happy subbie. The car ride home was one mixed with fun conversation, real conversation and quiet moments. my first day with Sir was the start of many new things happening in our dynamic. That will be written about in a series named "Firsts". Expect that series to be a long one....and even then i still won't be done writing about my week with Sir. some ways it was like a dream. Erotic, romantic, funny, goofy, relaxed, intense, and fun. lol That is a lot i know and i am still smiling. Whew....what a wonderful week. i am made even happier knowing that Sir had a good time and was pleased with me and my service to Him this week. i was able to be immersed in my submission to Sir and we even had a chance to just hang out, in vanilla settings and Sir even pushed one of His own limits this visit as well. So much to write about..... overall a wonderful visit, i had a great time and i can't wait until i get to see Sir again...but who could blame me?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

A Quick Hello

Sir is keeping me a 'little' too busy for blog entries... but i am so loving it!!!!!!!! Stay tuned there is soooooooooooooooo much to write about. Ok just one thing i can't wait to share a moment longer.... i am officially Sir's slave!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Going, going .....GONE

Well here it is.....the time has come and i am leaving shortly. Yea!!! As Sir keeps saying, it's about time. lol It feels like it has been longer than it has actually been and i have major butterflies in my stomach right now. Excitement and anticipation are intertwined and at a pretty high level. It has been so long since i have seen Sir.....i can't wait for the moment when His arms are around me in one of those hugs from Him i love so much. As for everything else it may take me a few days but i will write more soon, i promise.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Say My Name, Say My Name

This is an entry that stemmed from a conversation with Sir.....and how i did something i have never done before. i addressed Sir by His given name. That was very new. This came about because He and i were talking over the phone and looking at past chat conversations on Yahoo. i told Him that it was funny that even when we first started speaking (before He took me on as His submissive), i never addressed Him by His name. The subs we have spoken with together in the recent past are always told by Sir to address Him by His name.....come to think of it, i don't think He ever requested of it me. As i look back in our first conversations and the first couple of blog entries, i had written that the road to my submission had already started, i just didn't realize it. How true that was, now that i think back on it. Even back then, for some reason, i could not bring myself to call Him by His name. Well continuing with my recent conversation, Sir and i chatted about that fact for a little bit and then He told me to say "hello W". i froze....all i could think was "Is He serious?? Omg... He is....Sir really wants me to address Him as W." i started giggling and i just couldn't stop....i told Sir that i felt uncomfortable doing that to which He replied "Well it's not like you have any choice in the matter huh?" then He laughed. i had my knees drawn up to my chest and i tried to form His name with my mouth silently which just came out as a stutter of the first few letters of His name lol Sir at one point in time even had to tell me that i was not going to get into any trouble since He was telling me to do it. To help me out Sir gave me a sentence i could repeat.... He suggested i say "if You do not mind W i would rather call You Sir." Well that was a truthful statement i could make and after giggling for a few more seconds i steadied myself and as calmly as i could said "If You do not mind W i would rather call You Sir." Sir then said, "That wasn't so hard now was it?" my silence and then giggles had Him laughing once again. He then said that this would be a good blog entry so here i am writing all about it. i think that one of the reasons why i am so uncomfortable with calling Him by His given name is because He has been Sir in my mind for so long. To even call Him by His given name just doesn't feel doesn't feel bad, it just doesn't sit right. i think perhaps because i never addressed Him as W in our first conversations may be one of the reasons why i am not comfortable doing so now. When i have had to call the airlines for Him, i have had to use Sir's name, but my mind set was just different. In some ways i am a little surprised at my reaction and how strong it was and in other ways i am not, now that i have had time to really think about it. Sir is my friend, guide, protector, teacher, and above all my Dominant. To address Him by name felt like a breach of protocol. For me, personally, i would only see myself doing that in a vanilla relationship.....which Sir and i definitely are not. It is very true that we share wonderful vanilla moments, which i do cherish very much and we go out on what could be called dates, but i never forget my place at His side and Sir is always Sir. So to bring this to a close, calling Him by His given name was interesting to say the least and it did try my submission. i had to get over the nervous, uncomfortable feeling from doing so and do as He told me to. So i was able to do it but truthfully, i would be happy not having to do that again. i am Sir's submissive, soon to be His slave. So addressing Him with the proper respect as i have been trained by addressing Him as Sir is something i have gained a greater appreciation for today. Just goes to show that i never know when my submission will be tried (in any form) or when i will learn something new.

Saturday, August 11, 2007


In my last entry i wrote about only using a single candle when taking my 'sexy baths' and i thought i might expand on why that is significant to me. So this is about being in the dark and how it used to be a big fear of mine. Anytime i would be in the dark for more that just a couple of minutes i would get kind of panicky. my heart rate would soar and i would start hearing things and i could not stand being in the dark alone. Not being able to see what was around me also at one point tied in with the fear of being blindfolded. Being vulnerable in the manner of not being able to see what was happening was something i was not comfortable with before i met Sir and even then He moved slowly with me. Something i am, again, thankful for. When Sir used the hood on me for the first couple of times and made it so i couldn't see, my heart rate soared and i got a little nervous and giggly. i couldn't see so i didn't know what He was going to do at that time and couldn't see to even guess. Both of the times Sir has used the hood on me have been good experiences and i handled them a lot better than i thought i would. The hood is interesting because not only can i not see but my hearing is a bit muffled as well. So that increases my feeling of vulnerability, but still i feel safe with Him. So within a realatively short time i was able to conquer that particular fear ...does that mean i would be willing to let somebody else do that? No way, not unless Sir was there and He told me to. lol There are but a few people that i can be in the dark with and feel safe and only one person who can blindfold me which would be Sir. If one of my friends tried that they may get hurt. lol If i choose to be in the dark, like when i am in the bathtub, or lying in my room at night, the dark provides a haven for thoughts and fantasies. To be honest, even then if i stay in the dark too long i get jumpy and i have to have some sort of light on. Yes, this means i either sleep with the tv on or with a nightlight....go ahead and laugh. lol When i am with Him in His bed in the dark i am comfortable and feel safe and protected so no nightlights in Sir's room. i think my biggest fear is being left alone in the dark for a long period of time and i think probably a lot of people feel that way. One step at a time although i think i have come quite a ways from being only able to stay in the dark for just a couple of minutes before i started to panic. Now if only i can get on a roller coaster.......

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Bath time

This is an occurrence that happened a few days ago and only now have i had a chance to tell of it. It has to do with a bath and the fact that Sir gave me permission to not only masturbate but to cum if i needed to. How this all started out was simply by Sir saying He needed to take a shower and then asking me what i was going to do. i told Sir i was thinking about taking what i call a sexy bath....which means that i put on a bubble bath, nice hot water, light a few candles (lately only one...hmmm another entry i think) and put on my favorite mood music which is usually Enigma because it is slow and sensual. Sir told me that He thought that was a wonderful idea and then informed me in the same breath that i could masturbate and cum if i needed to. That caught me a bit off guard since that was not what i was expecting to hear and after a moment or two of silence i thanked Sir for permission to masturbate and cum. i was big smiles and excited as i started my bath and got everything ready...normally when i take a bath like this i get aroused but since i am on restriction i do not do anything about it. i call it "self imposed torture". Even though i get aroused and horny i still love taking baths like that. So the fact that i was given permission to not only play with myself but also allowed to cum made me a very happy subbie. lol There is a definite trend to my sexy baths and that night was no exception. i started by letting my body sink into the water, relax and let myself fall into the music. After a while i grabbed my cotton loofah, get it all soapy and then raise up on my knees so i am kneeling. With the music surrounding me and my eyes closed i slowly ran the soapy loofah up and down my arms, feeling the water slice down my skin, the soap slowly trailing afterward. i was having a lot of fun doing that over and over just feeling the water caress my body. After a few minutes of this, my mind started to wander and i started to imagine that Sir was just watching me bathe. i started to slow down my movements and since i had permission to play with myself, i let my hands linger over my breasts and nipples for just a couple of moments and let my hands slowly move down to my cu*t. As i continued to play with myself my imagination and memory took over as i imagined everything that Sir has done and may do. The memory of the sound of His voice around me, His hands, His eyes, really made me wish i was able to ask Him if i may suck His cock and that memory just sent my lust and arousal factor into overdrive. So what it boiled down to is that i was kneeling in an upright position, with my legs spread (as far as i could get them to in the tub), my forehead resting against the wall, eyes closed and my hand switching between rubbing my clit and inserting my fingers into my cu*t. The air was really hot and it was getting a little hard to suck in breath....i had made the water so hot that my bathroom was turning into a steam room. Within a few minutes (i think) the urge to cum was there and even though Sir was not there with me, i asked Him if His slut may cum for Him. Although my orgasms are enjoyable to me, they are for Sir's pleasure, not my own. Sir did not tell me i needed to ask Him His permission to cum, it was something that i did not out of conscious thought but more a reaction to the fact that i felt the urge to cum...that and i like asking for His permission as well......blushing now. lol Since i was all alone i got a little loud when cumming and i had a very wonderful orgasm. Thank You again Sir! Being given a treat by Sir like that unexpectedly was a wonderful surprise and when Sir and i spoke later that evening He told me He was proud of me for cumming. He was also happy that lately i have been cumming easier...a lot easier. That i think will be yet another entry.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Letting it out

i am writing this because this is something that Sir wanted me to write about.... how i am going to let myself feel the emotion behind the cane strokes and allow the tears that are there to flow freely. To describe that process there is only one word i can come up with...surrender. i will surrender that part of myself fully and give it to Him and that is a bit scary for me. i have this small problem with crying, or really, the lack thereof. It is not that i do not want to, i have mentioned a couple of times in my blog that i wanted to cry but i just couldn't let go. i know that when Sir tells me to write about the emotion behind the cane strokes and allowing the tears to come, He is speaking from more than just a physical ouch-this-hurts type of thing, He is also speaking of me crying from my submission and using my submission to override any fears that i may have when it comes to crying and to let go. When i do surrender that part of me, i know i will need Sir to be there. i know that once i start crying i may have a hard time stopping for a couple of minutes but i also know that i will not be made to feel stupid or weak for crying. i know that Sir will be supportive and kind and that He will probably hold me and tell me it's okay. Some of you may be asking, if it is that hard to do, then why do it? Easy, because my desire to open up to Him, to please Him, outweighs my fear. i know it is isn't going to be easy for me but i also know that the first time is always the hardest. How i am going to do this, i am not really sure exactly is one of those moments when talking about it and it actually happening are two very different things. So expect another entry on this matter again. i think what i will really need to do is allow myself to live in the moment and not fight the emotions that are surfacing and trust Sir to be there. i think my understanding of my submission as well as coming to truly understand it's depth over the passing of time and my understanding of myself has grown to where i can let myself go completely and surrender my emotional self which i have kept under such tight control. Again, not saying i am going to turn into a blubbering female 24/7 (lol) or anything like that but surrender in the context of not hiding (emotionally) from Sir in that manner. Although i am a bit nervous about all of this occurring, there is also a part of me that welcomes all this happening. my submission and trust in Sir calms me greatly while writing this, knowing that i will be pleasing Him when i give Him that part of me makes me happy and knowing He will be there makes me feel safe. i think i am one happy, lucky subbie. lol

Thursday, August 2, 2007


Today Sir gave me a task to do. i was to come up with a list from A to Z of things i am looking forward to on my upcoming visit to Sir. Coming up with things for some of these letters was very challenging and fun to do. i eventually had to ask Sir for His permission to consult a dictionary for the letter X and i am thankful He gave permission. Here is the list that i gave Him.

A- anal play
B- bike riding, baking
C- cuffs, cock worship, conversations, cuddling, cooking, cleaning, crop, cane
D- dinner with friends
E- exploration, erotic pain
F- full service for a week, fading (into sub space)
G- golden showers
H- harley
I- immersed in my submission to Sir
J- Jamba Juice (i couldn't help it, if you have ever been there you would agree lol)
K- kneeling
L- list, laughing
M- movie theater, massage (giving)
N- naked (me- most of the time)
O- orgasm control
P- painting, positions, pictures
Q- Queer Duck the movie
R- relaxing (with Sir), rituals, rubbing (Sir's feet)
S- serving Sir, slave status (asking for), slave collar (receiving), sub space, sight seeing, spanking (receiving)
T- training, tasks
U- used (for Sir's pleasure when He desires it), umpteenth cane stroke (that i have earned)
V- view (from Sir's car when driving and from the mountains), vegetating (in front of tv with Sir)
W- watching movies at Sir's house, waiting (in pos.6 for when Sir gets home)
X- X's (a position a person could be in) actual definition-lol
Y- yummy cookies (when i earn them lol)
Z- zonking out (when Sir says it is time for bed)