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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Sick as a dog


i had a great time visiting Sir and i promise to write all about it soon. But on the plane back from California i became really sick and Sir has ordered me to rest until i am feeling stronger.

Friday, May 25, 2007

California bound


YEAH!!!!!! i am on my way to visit Sir. i am soooooo excited. i will fill you in on all the activities when i am given the time to do so. Highlights include a lifestyle dinner party, my 20 cane strokes and my first exploration into golden showers. my journey continues.....

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Chocolate

i was sitting on the couch when i decided to grab some of the godiva spiced chocolates i had bought. i took a bite from one and the creamy filling was so good i scooped a little with my finger. Not a lot since the chocolate was so thick. i lightly licked it off and the dark spices made me think of sex. When i did it the second time i left my finger in my mouth to lightly suck off the chocolate and went for yet another serving. The third time i did this i got a lot more chocolate and very strong images of asking permission to suck Sir's cock and being allowed to do so entered my brain. As i sat there, i laid back a little and my legs fell open. As the chocolate coated the back of my throat i was sliding my finger slowly in and out of my mouth. Sometimes i would wrap my tongue around my finger or lick it from the base up. my cu*t was getting even wetter and i knew i couldn't touch myself, but i could not stop sucking and licking my finger. It was almost like self-inflicted torture. As the images in my mind started to include sounds and the remembrance of the feel of Sir's skin and scent, i started making small sounds from the back of my throat. i have no idea how long i sat there like that only that i didn't want to stop. my nipples became hard and my breathing a little faster. It got to the point i wanted to move my hips and touch something...anything. lol The images in my head combined with me sucking my finger became borderline masturbation in my mind. So i stopped immediately. That was not fun. lol i waited for a few minutes and then proceeded to go and do my meditation. Sir told me that i was to use my butt plug for meditation tonight. As i got into position and the plug in, i focused on my submission. i was getting into that wonderful deep mindset when for some reason, affirmations started to pop into my head. "What are you?" "i am Your submissive Sir" "What are you for?" "i am for Your pleasure Sir." "Who do you belong to?" "i belong to You Sir." "Who do you obey?" "i obey only You Sir" "What is your body for?" "my body is for Your use Sir" And then my mind fell in the submissive gutter. i am actually somewhat ashamed to admit that, but it is true. The images of sucking Sir's cock and the urge to suck my fingers came back full force and affirmations still went through my head. "What is your cu*t for?" "my cu*t is for Your use Sir" "Who do you cum for?" "i cum only for You Sir." "When do you cum?" "Only when You give me permission Sir" By this time my cu*t was very wet and i started to have the urge to move the plug in my ass, more so when i ran through these final affirmations. "What are you?" "i am Your submissive Sir." "What are you?" "i am Your slut Sir" OMG... ok, the urge was there and i pretty much "ripped" myself from that train of thought. i had to use my submission not to move, not to touch myself, not to suck my fingers (at that point it would have pretty much been masturbation for me and i knew it.... i won't give myself excuses... Sir said no masturbating, plain and simple, besides i think i had gone way far enough as it was) i stayed in meditation for about ten more minutes and focused on finding my center through my submission as Sir has taught me. i felt a lot calmer after meditating for those ten extra minutes and i was able to go to sleep about a half hour later. Just another example of what can happen when you least expect it. This morning i woke almost as horny as i was last night. Orgasm denial one night, over arousal the next, and horny with a swollen clit the following morning does a sensitive submissive make. lol But i am happy so what the hey? Today i am to insert the egg vibe for 20 minutes on high at the top of each hour and after those 20 minutes, lick it clean and then reinsert it at the top of the next 20 and turn it on high again. This is going to happen all day and i think i may actually again have to use my submission not to touch myself. What a day this will be. lol Nerve-wracking but fun.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Denied


Today's blog entry is going to be interesting for something new happened. Sir decided to use me last night. He had me grab my vibe, turn it on medium, and slowly run the tip from my clit all the way down to my as*hole and back up. That caused shivers up and down my spine. It was a very "calm" and slow arousal and Sir allowed me to continue to do just that for a few minutes. Sir then told me the next time the vibe touched my cl*t it was to stay there. Sir had me play with my breasts and my arousal jumped up a notch. He then instructed me to rub and pinch my nipples between my fingers and i became much wetter all of a sudden. i had not played with my nipples in a while and the sensation it created caused me to breath harder and my arousal heightened. He then told me to grab my egg vibe, insert it into my cu*t and turn it on low. At about this point i was almost out of it, just in a very calm, erotic, torturous way. lol i must admit being very slowly aroused can be nerve-wracking, even more so when my body craves things to be going faster. But tonight i just let all the sensations slowly roll over me and simply enjoyed the way Sir was using me. After a bit of this Sir asked me if i would like to f*ck myself, in which my response was, Yes Sir, may Your slut please f*ck herself Sir? i will admit that i asked twice and then Sir gave me permission. He told me to insert the vibe all the way in and out and to place the egg vibe on my cl*t. Since at this point my cu*t was swollen and wet, i hissed (in a good way) at the added pressure in my cu*t. i started out fu*king myself with long and slow strokes and i could feel my cu*t getting more and more swollen around the vibe and the urge to drive it deeper and harder became very strong so i asked Him if His slut may please fu*k herself harder. i was so happy when He gave permission. The vibe kept hitting that "spot" inside my cu*t that makes my toes curl and the more i hit it, the harder i wanted to f*ck myself. Sir told me to start fu*king myself harder and that turned into "pound". Omg..... Within a couple of minutes i was asking Him if His slut may please cum for Him and He told me "no you may not". i tried to breath and relax but in just a minute i found myself once again asking Sir for permission to cum. Once again i was told "no you may not". From that point on i couldn't really even speak, i was completely focused on breathing and not cumming. A couple of times i thought the urge to cum was slipping away but each time it returned full force and i couldn't catch my breath. In a way i love being held right at the edge but i think i need to re-think my breathing methods before i accidentally make myself hyperventilate. Back on topic though. When Sir was done using me He had me take the vibe out of my cu*t and off my clit. But i had not cum yet. Why? Because for the first time Sir denied the orgasm i was so close to having. In an earlier post, i had written about how i was getting near to having an orgasm but that Sir stopped because He had used me to the extent He wanted to. i was left feeling frustrated and had said so to Sir. But this was the first time i was right at the point of cumming (and i really wanted to lol) but it was Sir's choice to deny me that pleasure. What i found really amazing however is that instead of feeling frustrated, i was grinning from ear to ear. i know that i am always happy to please Sir, but this time it was a deeper feeling i have yet to describe. i was ecstatic really. Yet i was also calm and felt fulfilled and content. Yet there is still some emotion, some feeling, i just can't seem to put my finger on. Sir was very pleased with me and that made me even happier. What a wonderful night.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

i will talk to Sir sooner then later


i had a conversation with Sir tonight, one that was probably over due. Let me explain. Over the past week i have been feeling very "off". Mood swings, quiet and just plain sad. There are many new things happening in our dynamic, many changes. The main three are toilet training (water sports), something personal and the possibility of entering a poly dynamic. Sir's first thought was that the idea of entering a poly dynamic was what was upsetting me so much, even though He and i have discussed it at length. But that was not the case in this situation. It also had nothing to do with the aforementioned activities either. It had to do with a dream i had. In my dream i made the decision to become Sir's slave. As i am sure everyone has read in my blog, that is a title i take very seriously and would, someday, be honored to carry such a title. How ever, the dream was very intense and i woke up with a million questions. Those questions and my desire for answers somehow became my focus and i began to feel a little lost and without direction. Too many thoughts and i could not let it go. my biggest mistake was not telling Sir what i was thinking or feeling from the very beginning. Instead i tried to find the answers i thought i needed on my own and the harder i pushed myself to find those answers, the more tired, sad and drained i became. Thus started a long week of Sir worrying about me and my mindset. Usually i am a very happy person, but this past week i was so drained from thinking and trying to find answers on my own, that i, at times, had a hard time even speaking to Sir and i just felt off. As i look back, Sir picked up on all things i do not normally do. Such as going to bed early, not writing Him as often as i usually do, my speech changed and according to Sir, my whole demeanor as well. In the discussion i had with Sir it took me a while to get out the real reason why i was so upset but it finally came out. He was not angry with me, albeit a little disappointed that i had not come to Him sooner, but understanding for the most part. So i got a "lecture". i say it that way because Sir was, for the most part, in "teacher/friend" mode. But even in that "mode" His Dominance is still apparent, just at a different level. He told me that there is no hurry and that i am on this journey to find the depth of my submission. He also said that i will probably ask permission to become His slave the same way i asked permission to become His submissive and to address Him as Sir. When and if the time is right, it will be something that i feel. i remember when i asked to become His submissive, something just clicked. The instinctual trust i had in Him, the desire to serve and to be led just came together and fell into place. i am comforted by His words and took them to heart so i don't have to worry about what i was thinking. i will just know. i felt profoundly better after speaking with Him and letting Him know why i was all out of sorts and my excitement in my journey somehow feels re-newed. i contribute that to a sudden lack of self-imposed stress. It is amazing what one will do to ones self at times. The lesson learned here is if i am feeling sad or confused, while it is good to try and cheer myself up, it is also important that i tell Sir. He reiterated that i can ask Him any question i may have. i apologized to Him a few times for causing such a disruption and making Him worry. In my desire to not make Him worry, i ended up doing just that. From now on, if something is really bothering me, i will go to Sir first and save us both the stress.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Visitors part 3

He first tried it on me that afternoon and although i had told Him that i was very nervous about trying the hood, He tells me i did much better than i thought i would. Sir and i have discussed this before, how it would be different if i could not see. What i have come to realize is that there is very little logic when i cannot see. Logic being i knew what was going to happen and where. Sir effectively took that logic away from me. It was a little scary and yet so freeing at the same time. i didn't get to think about what something may feel like, or have that mental understanding. All i could do was feel and become even more reactionary than before. Emotionally i didn't know what to feel. my mind had often controlled what my feelings were, and without that direction i was just left standing there. Unguarded, open and bare. Thoughts were flying around my head, what will He do and when? Or where for that matter? my trust in Sir became my grounding and when He touched me, His touch became my center and helped me balance myself. He used something called a "cobra stinger" and i about jumped out of my skin. He ran it over my nipples and i couldn't help but flinch and jump. Because i could not see, part of me wanted to move away from the stinger, instead my submission to Sir and the knowledge that i was there for His pleasure and my body was for His use kept me from moving away. i remember His hand applying more pressure to tell me to stay still. Quiet Dominance, words were not needed. He was proud of me and said that i looked sexy wearing the hood. i was very happy that i had pleased Him. The experience was intense but as Sir has a habit of doing, i was left wanting more.

The trust i have in Sir is unconditional and i love that feeling. But i must admit i had wave of nervousness when Sir put the hood on in front of Mistress K and Sir M. Well, nervousness and anticipation. There is a certain type of thrill that comes from not being able to see what is about to happen, or in this case, also not knowing about who it doing it. i remember feeling a hand brush against me and then someone behind me. i felt a hand, small, smooth and nails and i knew it was Mistress K. Although She had been very kind about the crop, i also remembered the nipple clamps and vibe, so i knew not to underestimate Her. The next thing i knew i felt pin-pricks run up and down my body, quickly and lightly. i jumped, more so since i did not have the mental advantage of knowing where it was coming from. i had no idea what was being used and did not find out until later.

When all was said and done i will admit i was drained from the entire night. Sir told me to go and kneel at Mistress K's feet... this was the first time i have ever sat at anyone else's feet than Sir's. Sitting at Sir's feet is somewhere i want to be and it feels right sitting at His feet. So sitting at Mistress K's feet wasn't bad... just different. As i sat there kneeling, She began to run Her fingers through my hair which i will admit i found comforting. my brain was so tired that Her gentle touch was soothing and calming. Sir tells me that i leaned into Her a few times which i found a little surprising because i did not even realize that i was doing so. While She was doing this i cannot remember anyone talking to me, i was, in a way, in my own little world. Plus i was finding that i really was becoming tired rather quickly. i will also admit that i do not remember anything that was said between the three of Them, i just remember something about Mistress K and Sir M needing to leave. So They and Sir went to go get the coats and i followed. At first i assumed the position i had started out in the beginning of the evening, but Sir told me it was ok to give Them hugs goodbye. i will admit that i hugged Them both.... i am from the South and it is an ingrained habit to hug everyone when saying goodbye. lol i couldn't help it... to me a hug is a gesture of friendship and i found myself liking Mistress K and Sir M already. They were not what i expected but way better. They were very open and honest and as i have said before also kind. It was wonderful to listen about Their experiences and opinions. They both also have a great sense of humor which i totally loved... i love to laugh and make jokes myself so i can appreciate a sense of humor. Hopefully i will get to meet Mistress K and Sir M again the next time i go to Sir. The whole experience was overwhelming yes. But it was also a learning experience as well as fun, filled with laughter and nervousness, intense and yet also calming. Overall.. definitely cool. What will happen next i have no idea, but i am looking forward to it.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Visitors Part 2

Before the game was played, Sir asked Mistress K if She would do a "check" on me. i froze for a split-second and then started walking towards Mistress K. i took pos. 1 as Sir instructed me to and i had to smile. i seem to do that often whenever i am nervous. Mistress K did something that some may see as unusual, but something i can also appreciate. She asked me if i was okay with performing a "check". my response to Her was that i pretty much did not have any boundaries and i remember She smiled. She performed the "check" and Sir asked Her if i was wet and She told Him that i was pretty wet actually. i wanted to blush, although i am not sure if it was because i had just been touched intimately by a woman for the first time in years (i will admit i used to be an active bi-sexual) or that i was wet. lol Perhaps both..... After She told Sir that i was wet Mistress K put Her fingers in Her mouth and i think i actually pouted for a split-second!! lol i am so used to Sir using my mouth to clean His fingers after they have been in my cu*t that i missed doing it myself. Sir told Mistress K to go ahead and put Her fingers in my mouth to clean them, and i think i started to speak before anyone else did. Sir M and Mistress K said at almost the same time that She had already cleaned them Herself. When i spoke i turned to look at Sir and i think He must have seen the shock on my face because He laughed. Sir and Sir M had the same train of thought in saying that Mistress K should do another check so i could clean off Her fingers. So Mistress K did another check and i got to clean Her fingers with my mouth. Which i have to say i always find that erotic so i got even wetter.

Sir also explained the positions He had taught me and asked if They would care to see them. At first Sir had me explain my positions to them and i know my voice shook just a little, but i am not sure if it was noticed by anyone else but me. Sir told Mistress K that She could randomly call out numbers to show them the positions Sir had taught me. i have never felt more graceful, beautiful and calm in my entire life. i loved it. Let me explain.... every time Sir has me do display or any position for Him, i feel my submission very strongly. i know He can see it in every movement, the tilt of my head, the arch in my back. Everything in my positioning is for His pleasure and it always feels so right to do them. i was not scared or even nervous to do my positions. In fact the minute i got into pos.1 that all consuming feeling of submission shined through. i honestly think i could do positions in front of anyone and not be nervous. For some reason every time i do my positions, an image of a Geisha comes to mind. That beauty, confidence, grace and quiet strength is something i always strive for. Sir M and Mistress K commented on the arch in my back and how graceful my transitions were. They saw the beauty in every movement and said so to Sir. All of Their compliments were directed to Sir, which made my night. i was not looking for compliments, i only wanted to show Them how happy i was in my submission and how well Sir had trained me. i was incredibly focused the entire time, focused on my positions and focused on my submission. What a head space that put me in. i have to say, i loved it!

After that we started to play the Made Service game. Mistress K was first up and i ended up in a doubled over bondage position with Mistress K using a paddle on my breasts. i had to giggle... i was nervous. After that Sir M pulled out the slips and one of them said free pass which meant Sir M's turn was over and i got out of what ever the slips said He could do. In this case it was over the knee spanking, although i cannot remember exactly what toy He had pulled. Then it was Sir's turn. That made me nervous, and just my luck Sir pulled out the slip that said "harley" and "clit" and then the slip "Sir's choice". So i ended up on my back on a footstool, legs bent and spread, while Sir used the "Harley" on me. If that wasn't enough, He got Mistress K and Sir M involved by holding my legs still. The image of a three of Them over me did a few major things to my mindset. Number one- i was being treated as Sir's personal toy (that was definitely unusual and yet somehow erotic, i probably need more time to wrap my brain around that) so i guess that would be accounted to objectification. Number two- i had to really use my submission and i was feeling a bit off-kilter. But that is when i draw strength and balance from Sir. Number 3- It was intense and i had to fight against retreating into my mind. i started to at first and then i really had to try to let go and feel the pleasure Sir was having me feel, even though there were observers. Over-all it was trying to my submission. Sir made a comment about having Sir M in His position in between my legs, and i hit panic real quick. my legs slammed together before i could even think about it. i started to relax through it though although i still continued to keep my guard up. Mistress K made a comment about how technically the slip said lips and not cl*t and i ended up pointing my finger at Sir in agreement. Sir jokingly repied that i was His submissive and He was allowed to do whatever He wanted...which is true. lol Well i relaxed once again and Sir told me later that what He said was just something to mess with me head. Well it did work. lol i ended up with my head almost touching that floor! i tend to move a lot. lol i was a little shy after Sir was finished but i suppose that is normal considering that was my first time doing anything like that.

There were a few other things that happened that night but i am having a hard time putting them into order so i will just write what happened. i remember Mistress K putting nipple clamps on and leaving them for 10 minutes. Oh wow.... they were pretty tight and i must say my nipples were getting sore. Then She had me lean over with my hands touching the chair. She then used a vibe on my nipples. Omg. i started moving... i couldn't help it. i never thought that a vibe on my nipples could cause pain but i was wrong. lol i remember at one point in time Sir told me "Don't move" and i froze. It was instantaneous, that reaction. A definite show of the training i have received. As She kept using the vibe i repeated in my head that Sir had told me don't move. Another thing that happened is Sir got the crop slip and the number 20. i honestly do not remember what the other slips said, i should have been paying better attention but so many things had happened i was becoming completely reactionary. Sir told me that i was to only get 18, but that each one of Them was going to have a turn with me, each having 6 swats. Mistress K got the first turn. i honestly believe that She was careful not to hit me too hard since She did not know me or my tolerance for pain. Such a simple gesture and considering how nervous i was, i was grateful. Sir M had the next turn, and He definitely hit harder. i remember Him swatting me with the crop three times in a row, nonstop. That surprised me for a second, normally i am given the chance to absorb the pain, and i definitely reacted. Sir tells me at the last swat, Mistress K told Sir M He could have gone easier on me. My mindset at that time was i would have taken as much as Sir wanted me to. i love being submissive. lol Sir was up last, and that made me really nervous. Sir knows my pain tolerance and i knew He would exercise that knowledge, and He did. i must be honest and say that Sir hit me much harder. i remember Him hitting me twice in a row and my knees wanted to buckle. For all i know, they did. Another thing i remember was Sir using the hood.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Visitors Part 1

OK, now this is going to be a long one. So many things happened that some might think it would be overwhelming, and it was in some ways. Overwhelming, exciting, new and overall a very cool experience for me. It was an emotional and mental roller coaster all day. i will admit near the end of the evening it was getting hard to keep up and i ended up going into"robot mode" at which time i tried very hard to catch up with everything that had happened so far and what was to come. i will say now that i am writing from memory and that i may have forgotten one or two things. The whole night passed rather quickly in my mind. lol But i am getting ahead of myself once again so i will start from the beginning.

The minute i was up for the day i started to think about that evening. M and K were coming to visit and i was already getting nervous. After Sir decided it was time to get out of bed we went through our usual routine of coffee and breakfast. That morning we also discussed my protocol for the evening and what Sir desired me to do and what He expected of me. All of this made me feel much more relaxed and confident. i hate to think what would happen if i was put in that type of situation and not told what i was to do or what was expected of me. i was told how to kneel for that night at Sir's feet. Usually that is done by simply keeling in pos.5 with my legs together, but for this night i was to keep my legs spread whenever i was in pos.5. To be honest, i was more worried about my posture than the idea of my body being so blatantly put on display. It is weird what your mind decides is more important. In this case, i knew that my behavior and demeanor would be a straight reflection of Sir's training. That i am often shy and blush is something Sir does not mind at all, so i knew i could be blood red but as long as i was behaving in a manner that was pleasing to Sir and His guests i would be okay. The choice between two evils- showing parts of myself that i am not used to or having to be punished in front of Sir's guests because i slipped up. i would rather be butt naked in front of everyone on planet earth. So my decision was set and i was able to relax a little bit. Let's fast forward a bit.

About an hour before Sir M and Mistress K were to show up i hopped into the shower to get ready for Their visit. And of course the whole ordeal over hair and makeup, i wanted everything to be just right. Sir helped me with the hair by telling me which style He liked best. After all of that was decided it was time for me to get "dressed". Black high heels, black leather wrist cuffs, and the purple collar Sir gave me and nothing else . Putting the collar and cuffs on immediately brings a feeling of submission within me and puts me in that head space. i always feel more confident and relaxed with the cuffs on for some reason. Right before Sir M and Mistress K showed up a huge wave of nervousness hit me like a ton of bricks. As Sir went outside to greet Them, inside the house i was literally jumping up and down trying to get rid of the nervous energy before i exploded. lol As Sir opened the door, i froze into the position He wanted me. Arms by my sides, legs slightly parted. Since my eyes were focused on the ground all i could see were Sir M's and Mistress K's shoes. i told Sir M and Mistress K that i was pleased to meet them and Sir gave me permission to raise my head to look Them in the eyes. In addition to this He also said that i had beautiful eyes and i just about blushed. Sir M made the comment that i presented quite nicely at which time Mistress K and Sir both agreed. More with the wanting to blush. Sir M and Mistress K also brought a bouquet of beautiful roses for Sir and while Sir was finding a vase i asked Mistress K and Sir M if i could have permission to take Their coats for Them. When Sir returned He told me to put the flowers into the vase. While i was doing so Sir showed Sir M and Mistress K around the house.

Sir told me to start making the salad while He and Sir M and Mistress K went into the living room to chat. This gave me some time to reflect and try to play catch up with what i was feeling. Mistress K had said something in the living room to Sir and Sir asked Her to repeat it so that i may hear what She had just said. Her comment was pertaining to the difference between competing with Herself in reference to how much She can handle or how far She can be pushed and completing against Sir M to see who gets tired first. i was paying strict attention to what She was saying and while She was speaking i was cutting up veggies for the salad. Now there i had a problem and a few split second decisions to make. Do i 1-stop what i am doing to show i am paying attention or 2- continue to cut up the veggies as i had been told to do? Well the problem with the first one is that i got this image of me standing correctly, head bowed, eyes on the floor while She was speaking. In my mind it didn't look very good or polite really. But with choice two my continuing could be seen as impolite and i could be question as to whether or not i was truly paying attention. Well, i opted for choice two.... the night was supposed to be high protocol for me but it was also supposed to be relaxing. i nodded my head to show i was paying attention to what She was saying and even Sir said that He could tell i was listening, so i suppose i made the best possible choice. During dinner i didn't eat anything, i was too nervous and i guess i went into "robot mode". Well perhaps on the outside but i was constantly looking and Mistress K's, Sir M's and Sir's drink to see if i could ask permission to get Them more to drink, or to take away Their plates. There was also the timing on asking permission to do those things. i did not feel it would be polite to just interject into a conversation They were having, so i was always waiting for a break in conversation so i could ask Sir permission to speak so i could ask permission if They needed anything. Still on the outside, mind running about 100mph on the inside. i suppose i could say that i wasn't in "robot mode" but "server mode". i did drink a glass of wine and because i was drinking on an empty stomach i will say i felt a little more relaxed. Not much, but a little. lol After dinner Sir explained the "Made Service" game to Them as well as the rules. i must admit i was apprehensive about the whole thing happening if only because i had just met Sir M and Mistress K. They both seemed excited to play and the thought "toss the subbie" flew through my head. More on that in a bit.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Climax Control


NOTE: i found this journal entry that i wrote a while back and had forgotten to post. The rest of my California visit will follow over the next couple of days. chai




Last night was quite interesting and fun. i had a wonderful day and my night just made it better. Sir and i chatted online for a while and then i received a task form Him. During my meditation, i was to insert my butt plug and put my vibe in my cu*t while meditating. i was also told to concentrate on what it means to be Sir's slut. In addition to this i was told that i had to tell Him how many times the vibe slipped out and that number would be doubled in cane strokes when i go to Him next. i am very nervous and in my head i am already whimpering....the number would be 4. That means 8 cane strokes. i am not sure if the added pressure in my ass helped or hindered me. i did better than the last time at least. But thinking about what it means to be Sir's slut got me pretty aroused because my mind likes to provide pictures while i think. lol What it means to me is that i am for His pleasure, my body is for His use, i am allowed to lose control and the best part, i am given the freedom to enjoy every minute of it. So i got pretty wet because like i said my mind likes to give me visual examples.
The next part of my task was that i was to masturbate for thirty minutes. If i had the urge to cum, then and only then, was i allowed to call Sir, and only to ask permission. Since the vibe was in my cu*t, i started to move it slowly, almost all the way out and then back in. Slowly increasing the speed and the strength of the thrusts. i then pulled out the vibe and placed it on my clit. i stayed still for maybe thirty seconds and then i started to fu*k myself in the ass using the plug, causing the shivers up and down my back and that feeling that goes straight to my cu*t. i ended up rotating between my ass, cu*t and clit for about fifteen minutes and the last time i was fu*king my ass with the vibe on my clit, i needed to call Sir. i actually had to stop what i was doing because i almost came. So i called Sir and as politely as i could i said hello. lol Sir said yes in the form of a question and i asked Him "may Your slut please cum for You Sir?" i was on the edge and He replied "not yet" i squealed a little... i have never been told not to cum before and that was hard. i almost stopped fu*king myself but decided that Sir would probably not want me to, and i was right. He told me to fu*k myself a little faster and i almost flew apart. i tried to breath to keep myself from cumming and i kept His words in my head. So i was repeating to myself, not yet, not yet. Omg. i finally could not take anymore and asked Sir if His slut could PLEASE cum for Him and He told me yes i may. i started to fall into that sensation and then Sir did something a bit different. He said one word..."Cum", and He said it in that tone of voice that i always automatically respond to. i am not really sure what happened... i am still trying to figure it out. But it was almost as though my entire body responded and i will admit that the orgasm Sir allowed me to have was incredibly intense. i had such a hard time catching my breath and had to concentrate on slowing my breathing down. i thanked Sir for using me a couple of times. But i found that Sir had additional plans in mind for me. He told me to lay down and pull my hood back so my clit was fully exposed and to turn the vibe on medium. He told me to put it just above my clit and then raise my hips till my clit barley touched the vibe. i was so sensitive from the orgasm that it stung for a few seconds. He then let me put my hips back down and i thanked Him for allowing me to do so. He then told me to raise my hips again and i will admit part of me wasn't looking forward to that too much. lol But i get much pleasure from pleasing Sir so of course i did as i was told. This time He had me stay there for a few minutes and it started to really hurt. i have come to realize that if the vibe is pushing down on my clit, then it really doesn't hurt all that much right after i have an orgasm, but if it is pin-point pressure (small located spot) then that can begin to hurt very much. So staying still while my clit was barley touching the vibe got to be very difficult to do. Sir told me "Shhh" and i know that means He only desires to hear my breathing. i know my breath was catching in my throat and tried to not breath at all, i just tried to be a quiet as possible. Near the end that wasn't working too well for me. Finally Sir let me put my hips back down and i thanked Him once again. He then told me to get into pos.6, place the vibe in between my legs so my clit was touching the vibe and to resume fu*king my ass in that position. That was a different sensation, still very nice though. i was getting into the different sensation when Sir told me to insert the vibe in my cu*t, all the way. So basically i was riding my vibe with the plug in my ass and omg. That is something i enjoyed very much to be honest. The feeling and pressure in that position was different but sooo good. lol Sir then commanded that i put the vibe back on my clit and it was a physical jolt of pleasure. i started to fu*k my ass again and i started to nearly orgasm. As i have come to finally notice, the closer i get to an orgasm, the harder and faster i want to be used. So when Sir told me to beg the only thing that came to mind was i wanted it harder. So i asked Sir for permission to fu*k my ass harder. He told me yes and i tried, but as always, when i am at that point all i want is anything and everything harder and faster. Nothing hurts at that point, i seriously think i could get a hard caning at that point and it would feel like heaven to me. What a realization. More on that in a bit. As i felt myself getting nearer and nearer, Sir asked me what i was. my response was "i am Your slut Sir" which i think i repeated a couple of times and then the urge to cum made itself clear. i asked Sir if His slut may cum for Him and this time He told me yes without hesitation. Then came that word from Him again "Cum" and i swear to.....although i know i do not have any control over my body at that point, i also had little control over my mind. my entire mind just latched onto the tone and word from Sir. Yet another intense orgasm. Sir told me quiet in the middle of it but if i could have screamed i would have. i thanked Him a few times and Sir allowed me to lay back, turn off the vibe and take the butt plug out. i was so drained all i could think of was sleep. Sir said that that was fun and i completely agreed. He made a comment that i should be able to go to sleep pretty easily and again i agreed. We said goodnight and i think i fell asleep almost immediately. What an interesting, intense, and fun night that was. i am not sure what spurred Sir on to command me to cum but i must say that is was interesting. Now more on the bit part i stopped at. Sometimes Sir gets this very intense, hard and raw (that is the only word i can come up with i swear) tone in His voice. It is one i respond to with my own intensity i am beginning to realize i have within myself. Being told to cum was exciting and i am a little surprised how easily my body responded to it. Hmmm, more to think on. But it was very fun and it is something new that Sir has introduced me to that i would not mind trying again. (as usual lol)

Thursday, May 17, 2007

More about begging


Begging is hard....because i have to admit that i want something and how badly i want it. i am not used to saying that i want something and sometimes it is uncomfortable to voice my desires. Last night though, i was able to. i was able to beg. The crushing feeling was in my chest while a war raged in my head. i wanted to, the feeling was there but once againi was fighting myself. Part of me warned me against saying anything, that admitting i wanted something made me weak, left me vulnerable. The other part wanted to beg as my breath caught in my chest. Then, something inside me snapped. The voice of my desire to please, to submit, to beg came through, and what i was telling myself was rather rude in my opinion. lol The jist of it would amount to "you are safe with Sir, every part of you wants to do this, so stop being afraid to admit that you want something and say something dammit!" (please excuse my language, but that is what i was really thinking) The wall began to fall, and i let myself not only speak the words i desired to but i let myself fall into them. There i found strength within my submission. i would say that my mind set has changed a bit. i am still vulnerable when i beg but i am not weak. Now i see that begging also takes strength. It is a sign of the strength of my submission and of myself. i told Him that it was not easy and explained why. This is what amazes me about Sir from time to time. His patience. He knew that i was fighting myself, but instead of giving me an "out" He very patiently stayed quiet and just waited. He knew what i would do.....eventually. lol The silence from Him was killer. i knew what He was waiting for and i wanted to give it so badly, and there started to battle within myself. Now here is a realization about myself, one that i just have to voice. i have told Sir a few times that i always i feel i am running toward something whenever He uses me. Whether it is in bondage, flogging, or erotic pain. The best idea we could come up with is that i was always reaching to that deeper submission, and we were dead on. Let me explain why. With each passing moment Sir was quiet, i was afraid He would say something and give me that "out". i kept thinking (well feeling is more like it) in my head, "just a little more, a little more time" although i did not know why. Now i do. i was running, reaching, for that breaking point. The point where all and any uncertainty or shyness is void. Where my submission could come out full strength and me not worry about what i was going to say or what i was going to do. To become 100% reactionary. To feel, to cry, to beg and to accept. Sir gave me the time i needed to reach that space within my head. Somehow i know that i could go deeper within that space, i think it is another aspect of my submission. One i kept fighting somewhere in my head, but never really knew what i was doing. But now that i know what i keep running for, maybe now i can catch it. lol Ok, back on topic.
When i last wrote about
begging, all i could write about was the frustration surrounding the issue, that even though i wanted to beg so badly, i couldn't. Now i am writing about the strength i have found within begging and how i could not see it before. i was afraid to admit, to voice, my desires. But i have found the freedom in admitting the simple truths about my desires and i am made happier for it. i may have to keep tearing down that wall until it iscompletely gone, but i am now well on my way. Sir said that last night He could not only hear my pleas, but He felt them as well. i was so happy to hear that from Him. i had finally let go that part of me. Not all the way i think, but i feel better knowing that letting go and begging will be so much easier to do. i just have to keep reaching into myself even if it is hard to and that leaning on Sir during those times if i need to is okay. i am over the hardest part concerning my begging, and i derive pleasure knowing that the next time He has me beg, or if i beg because i feel it is something i need to do, i can let go. Maybe slowly at first but i know He will hear and feel it in my words. He will be pleased and i will latch onto the freedom Sir gives me. The freedon to simply be.

Chamber Pot Training


Sir decided it was time for me to start my training on something new. The chamber pot. i couldn't do it... i honestly felt very embarrassed. i am not sure why but i did. i almost felt like crying. This was obviously something i had a problem doing when it came down to it. In my mind before hand i was okay with using it.. no big deal. i can use the restroom with the door open but all i could think is that i was spread open, squatting, it was deadly quiet so i knew Sir would be able to hear me pee (i was only 4 feet in front of Him in His living room on the floor) and He just stared at me. i honestly tried but i just couldn't. So Sir had me drink the rest of my coffee and some water to help have to use the restroom even more. The first time i sat there all i could think about was how embarrassed i was... i realize now i wasn't using my submission. The second time i tried i refused to move. Sir even gave me an out and told me if i had to go that badly but i couldn't in front of Him i could use the toilet. That only spurred me on further and thus started the competition against myself. my mindset became that of submission and determination. It got to the point that my calves were starting to hurt, my feet and ankles were numb and i was fighting against the feeling of embarrassment. But i would not budge until i had completed the task which Sir set forth for me. i am not sure if that is submission or not, i only know that i was determined to do what He had told me to, i wanted so badly to please Him, despite how i was feeling. Eventually i found that space in my head where embarrassment is not present, no battle going on in my head, there is just my submission. Sir could have commanded me to use the toilet and i would have, but somehow i think Sir knew what was going on in my head and He allowed me the time i needed. i won't lie, i would have been quite upset with myself if He had made me use the toilet, i would have felt like i failed, and with something that is really no big deal. But i did eventually pee and although i was a little drained from the experience (no pun intended...lol)i was incredibly happy that i was able to use my submission in that manner. Even though it was hard to do, i know that is how my submission grows and becomes stronger. Sir made me feel better about taking so long by making a few jokes about it and i was able to laugh about it myself. Although i did tell myself that next time i would do so much better. But that is in another blog so you'll just have to wait. lol

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Flight to CA

i arrived in CA Thursday night. i was very excited to be able to see Sir once again and i will admit i was pretty aroused by the time i got off the plane. Sir had me wear a dress and heels, no bra, no underwear. Going without any undergarments is something i am pretty comfortable with now. But Sir had something else in mind for me. For the last hour of my flight i was to call an attendant for a blanket and masturbate under it until the final approach for landing had been called. i was not to use the bathroom because i had already been informed that Sir was going to do a check when i got to Him. Masturbating while sitting in between two people was nerve-wracking and yet exciting at the same time. i was told that i had to not only rub my clit, but i had to insert my fingers into my cu*t at the same time. So i was obviously moving slowly while masturbating. The blanket was thin and i was almost sure someone would be able to tell what i was doing, although they may not have believed what they were seeing if they did. i was so hyper aware of everything in the beginning that i had a hard time concentrating on what i was feeling. But after about 10 minutes i started to relax and started to let myself just go with it. Being quiet was easy since i really didn't want to get caught. It was intriguing to masturbate like that since i had never done it before and i was definitely aroused when i got off the plane. When i first saw Sir, big hugs were of course in order, and then He and i chatted while we waited for my bag. i knew what was going to happen when we got to His truck, i just wasn't thinking about it. When my bag finally came out and He grabbed it we walked outside. Than i remembered what i was going to have to do in just a few minutes. my heart rate picked up a bit and i started to get the nervous giggles. When we got to His truck He had me pull out the egg vibe from my suitcase that He instructed me pack just for this reason. He then had me turn and face Him and then told me to strip. i will admit i froze and He told me for a second time to strip. When i had stripped for Him, He open the car door and allowed me to get in and drape my dress over me until we had left the parking lot. In the minute or two it took for everything to happen this is what went through my head. "Strip....to remove clothing....get naked.... omg He is serious...well duh.....He just told me again...not good...breathe...omg i am naked...in a parking lot..there's lots of cars.....PLEASE open the door Sir....get in cover up.... remember to breathe...i am going to have to take off my dress on the highway....and masturbate for Sir...in public...thank goodness it's dark out....just breathe....omg" lol i have to laugh because it is all true. This is why i say i wish Sir could be in my head at those times. After we left the parking lot and got onto the road Sir had me take the dress off my body and He did another check. He then instructed me to insert the vibe into my cu*t and start masturbating. He would turn the vibe up, down, off whenever it pleased Him to do so, which about drove me crazy. He had me play with my breasts and nipples while He rubbed my cl*t, and vice versa. i remember one time He would turn up the vibe then just as quickly turn it back down. He did this a couple of times and then told me i had to ask. "Please may i have another Sir?" came out of my mouth quite a few times until all i could really do was repeat the word "please". Needless to say by the time we arrived at His house i was very very aroused and yet still a bundle of nerves. He was going to have me walk to His door completely naked and all i could do was be thankful it was night time and the neighborhood was dark. So i walked rather quickly to His door and then i froze... i never realized that Sir has a light outside His door that comes on automatically....for a split second all i could do was freeze and think oh.... my....god. Then my thoughts changed to how badly i wanted to get inside. i squealed.. i will admit it and Sir laughed. He seemed to move slowly at the time, most likely because i was that desperate to get inside. i wanted to run inside but some sort of instinct kept me from pushing past Sir. Yes, that did go through my head..need i say again i was desperate??? lol i can't really think of anything more nerve-wracking than being naked in public with a spotlight on me to be honest. When i finally walked insideas calmly as i could at the moment Sir had me go to His room and i am not really going to divulge much more after that except that He used a new type of tie on me. One where my hands were bound to my legs. That was pretty interesting and i will admit that i liked it. i love being tied-up.... go figure. The one thing that scared me the most is now one of my favorite things, but then again that reverts back to the trust i have in Sir. Since i trust Him i am able to let go of that fear and simply enjoy the feel of rope on my skin. But i am straying off topic. So that pretty much wraps up my first night back in CA and tomorrow will be even more interesting, exciting, nerve-wracking and fun all rolled in one.

Presentation

i was informed of my other surprise for the up-coming visit. Sir is having two friends over, both in the lifestyle. M is the Dominant and k is His submissive, although k has in the past explored her interests as a Domme. This is to be a high protocol evening for me, casual for them. i am SO happy that Sir is proud of me and trusts me enough to show me off. To me, this is an honor and a chance to show how far i have come in my training and how well Sir has trained me.i have been told that when they arrive i will be in pos.6, until told to rise to meet them. i will be told when i may look them in they eyes. i am to address them as Sir and Mistress K. i will probably be told by Sir to go into pos.4 while He shows them around the house. i may not speak until spoken to, i may not look anyone in the eyes (including Sir) unless instructed otherwise. i will be naked except for my collar, cuffs, waist cinch and heels. Sir will have me do all nine positions. i will crawl unless i am carrying something and then i will be allowed to walk. i will have to ask for permission for anything i do. Sir is going to judge how the evening progresses and if He desires to, He may pull out the pain game. This particular game is a little purple box that has little cards in it. There is a different color code for each toy, body part, number of swats, and duration. i think i will like that game. lol Sir says that maybe k will get involved by picking out the cards for me, and perhaps everyone will join in on the game. i will be the only person on the receiving end of this game. i can't help but think of the game toss the ball- only toss the subbie. LOL i am sorry i have to laugh at that because i am a little nervous... ok.. a lot nervous. The whole night will be about me practicing my submission, challenging my submission and using my submission as a tool of empowerment, which despite my nervousness i am looking forward to. i know that my actions will be a reflection on the training Sir has provided me, and i am determined to attain perfection, or come really darn close. Most of the evening i will have to concentrate on my manners and my behavior. i will show the up-most respect for Sir's friends at all times, regardless what is happening. Since i know that details matter i will make sure that my posture is correct at all times with my back curved naturally and my head and eyes lowered. i will use proper English (no slang terms whatsoever) and pronunciation. Could you imagine if i said "y'all" lol. i am a bit concerned that if i let myself relax TOO much that i may slip into a more casual speech. i think i will need to stay on my toes. i have come to realize the mental strain i am anticipating, worrying about making a mistake and wondering how to avoid making one is on my mind frequently. Worrying about not being perfect is hard, lol and i already know that that night is going to put me in an incredible head space. Sir has explained much to me about what He expects me to do and how He wants me to do it, which has helped immensely. i think my nervousness will ebb once i have everything memorized and down to a tee. Sir has brought up the idea of having k do a check on me, as well as having M and k each having a turn with me at the pain game if Sir decides to bring it up. The thought of someone else touching me (even though it will not be sexual) other than Sir makes me feel very apprehensive and vulnerable. i suppose that is only natural since i have never met M and k and if that happens, my submission and my trust in Sir will guide me. Despite how i am feeling right now, i know that is very much true. my submission will be strongly used that night, but that is how it grows, and i am more than willing to submit in any way Sir desires me to. Sir hopes that this will be a good experience for me and i think it will be, even though i am going through a bunch of different emotions right now. i think i will look back on that night and think about how cool it was, even though i am really nervous right now. It is always worse in your head..... and i can almost guarantee that when the time actually comes i won't be nearly as nervous. my only desire is to please Him and make Him proud of me. i am 100% determined to make that happen, no matter what may be asked of me. For me, failure is not an option.

Begging




i am learning that letting go isn't that easy to do. i have been able to drop many of my walls but there are a few that i cannot seem to break down by myself. Sir used me today and He had me beg. i heard it in my head, i felt in my heart and part of me was screaming what i was feeling but i couldn't seem to vocalize it. It is so frustrating to not be able to say what i need, what i desire. What makes it even harder is i know that when Sir wishes me to beg, it is because He wants to hear what i desire, and i want to tell Him so badly but i can't. Almost every time i try i feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and i can't breath. Inside my head i am screaming, begging, pleading and sometimes my eyes start to fill with tears because i just can't seem to let go enough to say what i wish to, what i need to. i think it is perhaps along the same lines as crying... no matter how bad i want to i can't seem to let go sometimes. There have a been a few times that i was able to let go and just go with it. At those times the one major thing they have in common is that i was being pushed. i once told Sir that there were walls that i could not go through and break down by myself and that i wanted to let go... i told Sir that talking about my walls being down and putting that into action are very different from each other, and Sir agrees. i will admit the harder He pushes me, the further through a wall i go. But as Sir has said before, i have to be willing to go through those walls first. When Sir pushed me the first time He flogged me, a wall came crashing down. i cannot help but think that this is another wall. Sir told me that the begging He is asking me to do is personal and somewhat primal. That i need to give myself time to feel it and believe in it. The thing is, i DO feel it, i feel it in my heart and i hear it in my head. He is right, there is a primal feeling there as well, it is almost like a compulsion. The urge to bare all and to vocalize those desires, those needs. i think it may make me extremely nervous to beg because i am very, very vulnerable at those times. If i hold even just a little bit of myself back i am protected. Which in my mind makes no sense really. i have said plenty of times that Sir gives me a safe harbor in which to lose control and i know i am protected and safe there. Remembering all of this will probably help me with this particular issue and i will be much happier for it. Breaking down my walls is something that i truly desire to do for it helps me toward my goal. They won't be easy to breakdown and i am sure it will be hard but i know it will all be worth it.

Lunchtime

Continuing from my last entry, Sir's task for me today was to take my butt plug and my "egg" to work with me. At the beginning of my lunch hour i was to call Sir and then go to the bathroom, again choose a stall, strip and insert my butt plug and "egg". Sir was going to stay on the phone with me while i got lunch and went to the break room with my co-workers. i was to stay and chat with them while Sir stayed on the phone and gave me instructions toturn the vibe up and down. After lunch i was to return to the bathroom, strip and take everything out. Now that you have the facts, let me tell you the whole story.
my heart started racing the moment i got out of bed. All i could do was focus on today's task and wonder how i was going to handle it. i was lying down on my couch when Sir called. We discussed today's task and how it will go and various other topics mostly about my upcoming visit to Ca. After Sir and i talked He let me go so i could finish my butt plug training and do my 15 minutes of meditation. As i was packing my toys into my purse all i could do was giggle and think omg. (i know, i say that often lol). All through work i kept looking at the clock, my anticipation level rising every time i saw it wasn't my lunch time. The day seemed to move rather slow for me. lol When it was FINALLY my lunch hour, i got my purse and my phone and called Sir on my way to the bathroom. i was giggling and Sir could tell i was nervous because i heard Him chuckling over the phone. i got the butt plug and vibe inserted and Sir had me turn the vibe on low. As i made my way to pick up something to eat, Sir and i chatted some more. When i stopped to get coffee, giving the guy behind the counter my order, Sir had me turn up the vibe. i couldn't help but smile..... i picked up some cookies and made my way to the break room. Sir and i talked right up until the point i entered the room and there my conversation with Sir stopped. i tried very hard to be myself and talk with my co-workers. i was grateful to see one of my friends there. She is a natural goof ball so if i needed to laugh i knew she would give me a reason to.As i talked with her about everything from work to chocolate Sir would give me directions. Turn the vibe up, turn the vibe down, i was never sure what He was going to say or when so i felt even more anticipation. i was focused on Sir, my friend, my coffee, the time (i hadto make sure i left in enough time to get re-dressed) and i was so dern focused on my ass and cu*t i about went mad. i was also getting very aroused from everything as well, whichwas another thing i was focusing on. i will admit my arousal grew when Sir told me to clear my throat if i was His slut. Publicly confirming that was interesting, even if no one else knew what i was doing. i did get a couple of curious looks but i waved them away as if it was nothing and everyone resumed talking. As i went to leave, Sir told me to clear my throat if i was wet, and i must have done this a bit loudly because then i got some strange looks as if i was being asked "are you chocking?". i just smiled and told everyone to have a great day and headed back to the bathroom. Sir and i talked again and He asked me about the task that He gave me and commented that is was easier than He thought. i will admit the first out of my mouth were "Maybe on Your end Sir." lol it just slipped out! But He laughed so i knew everything was okay. The whole task was nerve-wracking, heart pounding and yet utterly fun. i love doing tasks for Sir whenever He gives them to me and i always look forward (and get a little nervous) to see how He will push me to use my submission, to help my submission grow deeper and stronger. On that line of thought, Sir
would appreciate suggestions for new, discreet and challenging tasks that i can do. i will certainly write about the results of any that He chooses.

Treat


Sir decided to play with me last night and it was new they way He decided to go about it. Sir asked me if i was horny and my reply was yes Sir. He told me to put in my "egg" vibrator and then asked my if i thought this was a treat. my reply was again "yes Sir" because it was a treat!! When Sir first told me to put the egg in my anticipation level shot up because i was not sure what He would want me to do and i was very aroused. When Sir had me turn it on and went completely silent on me i was thinking omg omg, i will admit it threw me off balance when i realized Sir wasn't going to say anything to me and for a moment i was torn between being shy or being submissive and feeling. However when i relaxed completely there was something quite erotic knowing He was not saying anything and just listening, almost (now that i think about it) like i was being watched or heard and didn't care who heard. Perhaps i am a little exhibitionist after all. lol But i knew it was Sir on the line and because of this i felt more anticipation because i did not know if or when He was going to say anything. i found myself while into feeling the vibration in my cunt and playing with my breasts, i was intently aware of His silence. That was the first time He had not given me instructions or spoken to me while He was using me. i was holding onto one of the bars at my head board from time to time while my other hand was playing with my breasts. i was trying very hard not to move, and i have noticed that if i have something to hold onto i do well with not moving (lord help me if i don't have anything to hold on to. lol) When He asked me if i wanted to rub my clit all that went through my head was "thank You thank You thank You" and asking permission to touch my clit felt very good to do, since i was starting to have thoughts of begging myself. When i started to rub my clit i was hard pressed to not be too loud and i think i did well (i have a roomie). He said that He was going to bed and that i had 25 min left and that after 10 min i could move however i wanted to. i was VERY happy to hear that. i turned the egg on high because i was having a harder time feeling the vibration and i soon found out why. As i started to move after the 10 min my hand ran over my clit and i was soaking wet. my bed had a huge wet spot on it that i found when i sat up. The egg is apparently big enough to feel and yet small enough (when all the way inserted) to where if i get wet He would know it. i also found that whenever i tightened up my cunt the egg would push firmly against my g-spot and i will admit that that felt very good. i didn't orgasm (started to come close though) but i had a lot of fun with the "treat" that He decided to give me. Tomorrow at work is going to be very interesting and very fun. i am not going to tell you anymore than it has to do with the egg vibe in this blog. i will write more tomorrow about my newest adventure and it's a biggie!

slave thoughts


The Webster definition of slave is a person who is the property of and wholly subject to another; a bond servant, a person entirely under the domination of some influence or person. The general definition has been made. However, i believe that how one may define their own slavery will differ from another. my goal one day is to be honored with the title slave. It is something that will not be asked of me instead it is i who will ask to be titled in such a manner. This idea of my own slavery may seem complex to some for i define each and every aspect with affection and respect. This affection i speak of within my slavery will stem from the love i have for my submission, for His Dominance, for the lifestyle, the way i love and cherish the journey i am on and the trust, friendship and respect in our dynamic.

In my eyes, a slave has no limits, her limits are set by her Master. This requires complete trust of her Master. But i desire something i see as deeper and more profound.i had a dream about Sir soon after i met Him- it was quite sexual i will admit- but in my dream i made a statement to Him. It was one that defined my goal before i even really started on my journey, one i did not remember until He and i had a discussion about what i thought a slave should be. In my dream i told Him i wanted to give Him a safe place to lose control. That is the one thing i want most in my slavery. When i say 'losing control' what i speak of is the ability to give Him a head space where He is free to reach the depths of His dominance. To be able to act upon the depths of His desires, without the fear that i will judge Him or turn away from Him. The word "no" will not be in my vocabulary in regards to His desires. In my mind, when i close my eyes, i am His helper, His guide. i will give Him the freedom to explore His boundaries and help Him push past them if He needs me to. i will be there to help Him on His journey to learn more about Himself and His desires. This is done on my part with no fear, for i will know that He will never cause me true harm. i trust Him completely, in every way. i would be very proud to be a slave. Since i believe it has been His guidance along this path to find my own ultimate submission, so i desire to be there to help Him on His journey into Himself. He gives me a safe harbor in which to let go, to cry, to beg, to feel, to simply be. i desire to be the same thing for Him. i have looked into His eyes, and once or twice i have seen something powerful, hard and intense, then it is gone in a flash, held back by the chains of control He binds Himself with. i have become aware of how much careful control He uses with me and the desire to give Him what i believe He needs, He desires, that freedom, has become paramount to me. His desires, His happiness and His pleasure are my focus. This is who i am becoming, or perhaps in some ways, already am. i believe my submission is so strong and unique because i can honestly say that the desire to be there, to serve, to please, to help, to support, to be anything and everything, to submit completely, comes from my heart. Perhaps this sounds romantic but this is all true. i know it will not always be easy and that is okay. Not all lessons are easily learned, and if all this was easy, it is possible i wouldn't appreciate it as much as i do. i am reminded of a saying. "If it wasn't hard, then it wouldn't be worth it" Finding and exploring the depth of my submission has been a wonderful journey. i have been praised, used, and punished. i have learned more about myself than i, at the beginning, thought was possible and the best thing is that i know there is still so much more to learn, for i know i have only begun. Sir has said before, the journey never ends and i hope that it never will.

Anticipation

Sir has arranged to visit Him again and oh my goodness..... He has SO much planned. lol He sent me a list of things He is going to do to/with me. He likes to tell me ahead of time as it tends to build my anticipation/nervous excitement levels. With His permission here is the list.
Gags
anal beads
hood/blindfold
perch
wall flogging/caning
doubled over bondage
long duration bondage
chamber pot training
speculum
public stimulation
public exhibitionism "at the shoe store"
photograph positions
masturbate for Him
pain game
If you have any questions as to what any of those items entail, Sir has given permission to request you write them in the comment section of my blog and I will do my best to describe them.
How do i feel about all of these? Some make me feel very excited and some give me much anticipation towards the weekend. i am always excited to see Sir and explore the depth of my submission. i must admit i think i will be using my submission greatly this visit. Sir has something new planned, not only for me but also for Him. He will not tell me what it is, instead it is to be a surprise. i am very happy that Sir is willing to use me to explore some of His own limits and this furthers my goal to give complete submission, to become a slave. (i will write more on that soon) i will also admit that my anticipation level is really high, which is a good thing. Now the plane ride doesn't seem that bad, in fact i'd better get the rest while i can. lol i know i am going to be so wound up from excitement and nervousness that i will probably not know what to do with myself. Can you tell i'm excited and happy about this upcoming visit?? Don't worry, you'll get to read all about it i'm sure. Overall, i know this next visit is going to be intense in many ways and i know Sir is going to "push me" quite a bit, but i trust Him and i am truly looking forward to it. Who knows, maybe Sir will give me another cookie at the end. lol

Choices continued


i made a rather huge mistake last night. i was making dinner and chatting with Sir when i started to smell something was burning. i rather hurriedly asked Sir if i could be excused for a min, and i left without waiting until permission was given. There was no excuse for my actions. None at all. When Sir pointed this out i was in shock that i could do such a thing and worse not even think about it. I felt awful. He asked what had happened and i explained. He was very upset and He had every right. He asked me if i burnt my dinner and i told Him that i did. He then instructed me to crawl to my bedroom and get dressed and then i was to make myself something to eat and not come back until i had done so. i asked Him if He wanted me to adjust the web cam and He told me no. I can't begin to tell you how much that hurt. In my mind that equated to Him turning His back on me, refusing to even look at me. i almost started crying as i was crawling. i was torn between two mindsets. One was, "i should accept this gracefully and without tears, for i know i deserve it". The other was going, "But if i hide my pain and remorse behind gracefulness then i am not really submitting- i am not giving all of myself, instead i am putting back up walls so i don't feel hurt" That realization made me stop- literally. Then i made yet another choice with my submission. i chose to feel. i hated it, and it hurt. What i had done and how bad i made Sir feel by showing Him total disrespect hit all at once and i wanted to run and become coldly logical, but i chose to feel the emotional pain. i was still crying when i got back on the cam, and Sir began to question me on my actions, again pointing out that my actions were not of a submissive. Sir also told me that since i left the room concerned that something was burning He would not punish me further other than having me focus on this aspect alone during my meditation. i was to concentrate soley on my total disrespect in just taking for granted His easy playful manner with me. After giving me my instructions He had me apologize again. Doing my meditation made me sad because i had to reflect on every thing that i had done wrong and how disrespectful i had been with Sir. Making choices from my submission is not always easy and i never know when i will have to make a tough decision. i know that as always, making these choices will make my connection to my submissive core deeper and stronger. Which in the end is why i am on this path of discovery with Sir.

Choices

This entry is about a culmination of my thoughts and feelings over my submission. This started to snowball a few days ago. Sir decided to use me pretty hard and i came close to orgasm a couple of times. i was begging Him to let me f*ck myself, all pretense gone. Every time He would stop, i would beg. The last time He did this, it was for good. He had used me to the extent that He desired to but i was frustrated. Very frustrated, enough that i said something about it. That was the first time i had ever done that and hopefully it will be my last. Sir's pleasure and desire loom very large in my frame of mind. Everything i do, everything He has me do, is for His pleasure. But this time, i was thinking of my pleasure and not His. Sir reminded me that thinking like that was not being submissive and then He gave me a choice. Either i could take the lesson learned and be happy through my submission or i could stick the vibe back in my cu*t for 30 min and if i needed to cum i had permission to. my choice was almost spit-second, i chose the lesson learned. Some may ask me why i made the choice i did, some already know the answer. To those who do ask why, my answer is this. Because that is what was important to me. my desire to submit overrode in every way my own personal desire. This is what makes me smile- Sir gave me the CHOICE- and i love knowing that my submission was automatic despite what i was feeling. Which brings me to a thought a long the same lines.

Back to the past for second. When Sir gave me my first flogging(which if you have read the rest of my blog, you will know i didn't handle it too well) at first it wasn't too bad, it just stung a little. But each stroke was harder than the last and the pain hit. i kept presenting myself thinking "this is what i wish to do for Him, i will submit for Him." When He was done i was kind of out of it, still trying to process everything that happened. Sir made me look Him in the eyes and told me i should never be afraid to say no, and then made sure i completely understood. i still cannot describe the feeling behind my thinking, but i can tell you what went through my head. i would have said something earlier, but i needed to process and accept the depth of my statement. He told me i should never be afraid to say no, and i thought- "But i will never tell You no" i was not screaming this in my head, in fact it was a calm statement. That statement is very deep for me, but it is truth. If i ever feel like i am going to pass out, i will tell Him, if something doesn't feel right when He is using me, i will tell Him, if i am insane with nervousness, i will tell Him- but i will never tell Him no. Even in the midst of pain, that was my only thought concerning the statement He gave me- the choice He gave me. Even writing this down in some ways amazes me. To keep it to ones self is one thing, to verbalize and accept is another. But i am happy with my choice and i think that may be the whole point.

An exhibitionist is born

Last night Sir gave me as task for today. i was to take my butt plug and short jean skirt (which you know i had to bring a top and shoes as well) to work with me. After work i was to go into the bathroom, choose a stall, get completely undressed and then i was change into my jean skirt, with no underwear, and insert my butt plug. i was in the stall beginning to undress when Sir called me. His timing is uncanny sometimes. It would seem His intent was to 'tag' along with me during my tasks. i have gotten completely undressed in the bathroom a few times before and i suppose i didn't get as nervous because i knew i was getting naked to change into something else. Anyway, the newest aspect of my task was to insert the butt plug as Sir instructed. That i was nervous about. i have been doing my butt plug training so it went in pretty easily which made me more comfortable.
Now here is the harder part. i was really nervous that someone might see the butt plug that i had in and walking was a little harder to do until i was able to look in a mirror and know for sure. Well i couldn't see so i knew no one else could either. i had to go to another store to finish an errand and while i was in there Sir had me pick out a skirt and go into a dressing room and i was not allowed to lock the door. When i entered the dressing room Sir had me remove all of my clothing and asked me in which direction i would like to face. i choose facing the door. i felt that way the possibility of someone accidentally walking and in seeing the butt plug was the lowest risk. Having to choose between two evils was not fun at all. Exciting but not that fun. lol That may not make much sense i know. After i had made my decision Sir had me put on the skirt that i had picked out. To be honest i liked it but it still ran a little big.
Then Sir told me to open the door an inch. Just an inch but the way i reacted you would have thought He told me to run through the store naked. i froze, i hesitated in shock. my thoughts during that time are as follows. "Omg He really wants me to do this" "there is NO way i can do this" "omg i AM going to do this, and i am going to do this because Sir wants me to" "just give me one more minute" "Oh lord, the door is cracked open- holy sh*t don't laugh out loud- too late" When i had put the skirt on Sir had me bend all the way over and look at myself. That made me really giggly, partially because i was still going "i can't believe i am doing this" in my head. Sir then had me slowly raise back up just to the point where the butt plug was no longer visible and then proceeded to tell me that i was to bend down in that manner anytime He tells me to. When that was completed Sir allowed me to get re-dressed and leave the dressing room. As i walked through another store Sir suggested that i bend over to check my sandals to make sure they were ok. i could have died.... but i stopped immediately and bent over as He told me to. i hadn't walked more than 10 feet and Sir told me i should check again just to make sure. At this point, thoughts of leaving at a dead run became appealing and i said so to Sir. He started laughing because i am sure He found the circumstances funny, and He also knew i would not actually start running through the store. i had to walk back through my work to pick up my bag before i left and since i complained to Sir about how my locker is on the very bottom, Sir found it amusing for me to bend ALL the way over at the waist to open my locker. Here are some more thoughts from me (Yes you will be reading these often) "Ok, i can handle this, just hurry and stand back up" "i can't get the combination correct because my stupid hands are shaking" "Crap, this is not good, this is not good-ok, just slow down, almost there- got it! Ok- stand back up quickly!" That in some ways, was SO much fun yet utterly nerve-wracking. Sir and i chatted briefly about how the day had gone so far and when i got to my car, Sir informed me that i was to enter my vehicle the same way i was taught when visiting Him. Pulling my skirt above my ass and sitting down so my whole ass touches the seat. i was also told that this is part of my protocol, i am to enter the vehicle in this manner every time i wear a skirt. Doing this was very hard for me, i had to be aware of cars driving behind me and around me and time it as best as i could. i was so nervous about someone seeing me that i did not have much more thoughts other than "PLEASE don't let anyone see me" so i will leave it at that and briefly mention that there was a lot of giggling on my part involved. my next stop was the "toy" store where i was to ask a female associate to help me find either a bullet or egg vibrator and where the anal toys were at. While doing this Sir was going to stay on the phone and i was not allowed to speak to Him while i was speaking with the associate. At first i was nervous about going in there and being up front and asking someone those type of questions, but to my surprise (and Sir's i think) i sounded very calm and relaxed about asking. You would have thought i had done this many times before but i had only been there once. The associate was very nice and logical which helped me relax even more.Sir being on the phone while i was chatting with her was fun and i felt faintly naughty talking about vibrators and dildos with Sir just listening. He would tell me what to look for and ask questions and i had to try to answer them without being obvious that i was speaking to someone, so it probably appeared that i was speaking to myself, but it was still very fun. i didn't buy the anal dildo but i did buy the egg vibrator AND Sir let me buy a set of nipple clamps that i had been thinking of for a while. Three tiered with purple and black beads, which i thought was perfect since His favorite color is purple. When i finally got done shopping, i went back into my car and Sir said that He was going to let me go and go to the gym. He asked me what else i needed to do today at which my answer was getting the oil changed, going to the video store and going to the grocery store. Sir gave me these instructions. At the place where i was to get my oil changed i was to act a proper lady, at the video store i was to pick two movies at the very bottom of the shelf and bend down to pick them up and at the grocery store i was to find one object on the bottom shelf and do the same. Obviously the oil change went well, the video store didn't have many people in it so the nervousness level wasn't that high and the grocery store was new because i know there are a lot of cameras inside and that there ARE people watching said cameras. Sir told me that when i got home i was to strip and clean the house naked. Walking around the house naked felt good because i enjoy being naked and feel comfortable doing so. Although i had to put my shoes on when sweeping but even that could have been viewed as sexy, at least i think so. Sir got back from the gym and called me and i informed Him that i need to take my mom some food and that i would not be long. Sir told me that would be fine and when i got home i was to stay dressed until i got online because He wanted to watch me strip, so i got to take my mom food wondering what Sir may have planned. Display is a given, and i know He will use me, i am just not sure how. So i was horny and filled with anticipation when i got home. Upon my arrival Sir told me to get all of my toys and when i looked into my drawer to get them out, i mentally cataloged everything. Vibrator, butt plug, lube, egg vibrator, nipple clamps and clit cream. i started laughing because i had not any of those items at the beginning of this year, and it was a strong visual reminder of how much life can change. i think i am lucky, because i see all the changes as very good things that make me feel happy, content, and proud. After washing the new toys Sir had me log on and start the cam for Him. i do not wish to go into any great detail about what He had me do, so i will just give you the major highlight. i had the butt plug in my ass, the vibrator in my cu*t, the nipple/clit clamps on and the egg vibrator on my clit and oh my god. That was so new in so many ways, i have never had that much stimulation at once and my body went into overdrive. i was already pretty swollen and very sensitive so i was feeling everything to the max. When He was finished using me i felt a calmness in me that comes from getting a lot of pleasure out of submitting and using my submission. Sir commented on how i looked so it must also show in my face when i am in that mind set so deeply. All in all it was a wonderful day filled with new things and experiences and most definitely fun!

Tears


They are there, that feeling, that depth,
just waiting, heart pounding
i want to give it but i can never seem to hold on to it
i am crying on the inside, but i can't set it free
You feel it in my voice,
that longing to let go, to lose control
i want to cry, not because it hurts,
but because this is the depth of my submission
i want to show this to You,
i want You to hear and see and feel
but i do not have the power to set them free
please, please help me set them free
i do not understand what is holding me from showing You
but i hate it, i feel like i am bound within myself
please, push me past the edge
past everything i have ever known
take my submission, my trust, my surrender
and use it for Your will
bind me to Your purpose
please understand this is what i truly want
i desire nothing more
i will surrender to You, my entire being,
so that You will have the power to do what i cannot
to make me fly
to set me free
to help me cry

Task


Today Sir has given me an extra task to do for Him. After i finish my daily ritual i am instructed to wear my purple thong pulled as tightly as possible into my cu*t and go to work like that. This can get quite uncomfortable if i have to move quickly at work. This was just the beginning of my day long "themed" task .

I was instructed to go to the bathroom and enter one of the stalls during the last ten minutes of my lunch break. During my lunch hour i keep lookingat the clock, my anticipation growing while i make sure i leave to do my task on time. As the time gets closer and closer my heart begins to pound harder because i know what i am to do. When i get to the bathroom i am to take off all my clothing (i am allowed to keep my shoes on thank goodness- the floor is pretty cold not to mention ewww- i know what happens on that floor) After all of my clothing has been removed i am to take my underwear and put it in my mouth like a gag. This was a new addition, one that was very interesting because my underwear was slightly wet since i have been horny all morning. i enjoyed putting my underwear in my mouth although doing so was a bit weird at first since i have never done so before. i could smell and taste myself on my underwear and knowing it had come from my arousal due to Sir's use of me, in some ways enhanced what i was doing. When this had been completed i was to masturbate vigorously for 10 minutes by fucking myself with my fingers. Needless to say this was done quietly for there were quite a few people coming in and out of the bathroom. Being quiet isn't always easy to do, even more so when i let myself get into what i am doing. However, if i know that there are people in the bathroom with me, the possibility of getting caught insures my silence. This is not to say that i don't find it a bit erotic to know that i am masturbating and nobody knows what i am doing, quite the opposite really. There is a nervous type of thrill involved in doing such an activity. Standing in the bathroom stall naked and masturbating made me very nervous but i have gotten better at doing so since the first time i was madeto do this type of task for Sir. When i was finished i was allowed to put all of my clothing back on including my thong and go about my day. Every time i have done this type of task for Sir, i am always afraid someone will be able to tell what i have been doing. Although i know that is not possible, knowing my face is slightly flushed and that i am very wet always seems to make me very aware of people looking at me, even if only in passing. Sir's intention for this day long task was to keep me extremely aroused and sensitive all day, and He did. When i got home and decided to take a shower, Sir had me masturbate in between washing various parts of my body. That was fun. lol i was very sensitive and horny by the time He decided to use me. He pushed me hard in some ways when He was using me, and some of it didn't feel too good but i was still happy and content when He finished using me. i have come to realize that even if it doesn't feel pleasurable, that the core of my happiness lies in the simple act of submitting and my submission to Him.