Wednesday, February 13, 2008

One year in the making

Only a week left until i am to go back to Master! The emotions and thoughts that that brings are certainly that of a variety. See, this visit will be of significance. Not only will it be practically Valentine's Day, it will also be one year to the day, that i first met Master in r/l. One year time flies. Sometimes that passage of time seems like it was yesterday and sometimes it seems like we have known each other longer than that. i look back on myself.....and the changes are so immense. Not only on the outside but the inside. Focusing on the outside for a moment, when i fist met Master, my hair was short and i was pale as ghost. Now i stay lightly tanned and my hair is long. Okay, so not so much on the outside. lol But on the inside....goodness that is plenty. On the inside there has been personal growth as well as growth as a slave. i have learned so much about myself. Some things i am still working on, some i have done rather well with. But here is a list of things that i have learned, experienced and still need to learn (or to a better extent).

1 Year in the making....the things i have learned

~ It is okay to cry. i still have problems with that....for me, in some ways, crying is more intimate that sex. i guess because i feel so vulnerable and small. When i feel like that, i just want to be held and protected. i have learned that Master will be there if and when that happens and that i can trust Him to give me that center i may need so badly. i have learned that it takes strength to open myself like that....turns out i may not have been as strong as i once thought.

~ How to really enjoy sex. Sounds a little weird i know but it is true. Before i met Master, sex was probably the most disgusting thing a person could do. lol But, through careful thought (and a lot of patience) on Master's part, i slowly came out of the protective shell i once was in. Truth be told, i was afraid of the intimacy of it all. Afraid i wasn't any good at it, that i wasn't very pleasing, afriad of letting someone in on that level. Now i embrace it, still learning more about my sexual self but have gained confidence in many ways.

~ Patience. Okay, still working on that one. lol But getting better with time.

~ How to watch how i say something. i used to have a really bad 24/7 case of open mouth insert foot. Now i think a bit more carefully about what i say. Even if i am joking around with Master, i have come to learn that "point", which not to cross. Master will tolerate my occasional spurts of being a smart-ass and slightly bratty but i have learned that that tolerance is usually short lived. lol Which is something i have come to appreciate. i like knowing that Master has limits with that and will put me back in place if i step out of line. (Besides what He finds amusing at the moment) Obviously, i try very hard not to give into to those impulses very often.

~ Begging. Hmm...when i first started to get the idea of begging, my micro-managing, over analytical mind broke begging down to semantics. Begging because i needed something...well...that was a little hard. i'm usually of the mindset that there is very little i need in the way of life. So it was hard to find that space inside my head. The first time i actually begged Master for something, it was because it was something that i wanted and i needed to let Him know that. i needed to let Him know that i was genuine in my request and i wanted to please Him by doing so. So in a way, my want was all surrounded by a need and a want. Hope that makes sense. lol Once i was able to clear that up, i then was able to find that space. Without feeling guilty. Which brings me to my next point.

~ Not to feel guilty of asking for something i want. Whether it be a vibe (haven't asked for that one yet...hmmmm lol) candy (i have a sweet tooth) or really my most addicting indulgence, asking Master if i may please have permission to suck His co*k. Asking for something that i want or something i want to do is perfectly okay, as long as it is done in a respectable fashion. i may not always get permission but asking does not make me selfish or greedy or anything like that. It took me a while to ask Master if i may suck His co*k the first time....but i was allowed the privilege so i was really happy to be able to serve Him in that manner.

~ S/m. Breaking that down, there are toys Master has that i do not personally care for....that doesn't matter but i am just saying. lol Some we have not tried and they make me nervous. The one toy He has in His collection that drives me up the wall would be that stinger of His. Ouchies.....the thing works wonders on wet skin and i keep having images of Master bringing a bowl of water to bed or something. It pushes my boundaries of pain but even though my brain is going "no no" my body seems to go "yes yes". That thing can make me cry pretty easily. i have also learned that when Master mixes up toys quickly, i lean on Him (figuratively speaking) pretty heavily. In a way, i like being pushed to that extent because at that time, i do not have a lot of time for thought, only reactions. If you can't think about your reactions you can't hide them. Not saying that i do that but i have caught myself in the past editing myself. What else...ahh yes. Other toys that i love. i know that they are going to hurt but i crave them anyways. Never thought about that a year ago. Never really thought about it was one of those things that i really wasn't sure about in the beginning. Even then, Master moved slow with me, giving me good experiences before starting to push my boundaries.

~ Bondage. Okay, i am a bondage slut. Big bondage slut. Something about being tied up makes me go all fuzzy inside. When Master ties me up, it is a myriad of emotions within me. i feel nervous, aroused, humbled, very submissive and owned. As i have stated before, Master is the first person ever to tie me up and i look back and see how hard that pushed me and how far i have come from that point. A long long way.

~ How submissive i am. Before i begun this journey with Master, i still didn't really understand what being submissive even meant. i knew how i felt but i did not have a title to go with it, or a way to express it. my inital thoughts were close but Master gave me so much insight into submission and in doing so, into myself. Thus my journey started in earnest and i now proudly wear the title slave.

~ To submit. Okay, this was harder than i thought it would be at first. The first time i submitted to Master in r/l was the first time He tied me up. i felt the beginning edges of panic but trusted in Him, leaned on Him and submitted to what He wanted to do because it pleased Him. What an eye opener that was! Not only to submit in that manner but to also submit on a daily basis. Like not masturbating, doing my daily and nightly ritual. By thinking about what He would want me to do, when i am not with Him and what decision would best serve and please Master. Since then i have always strive to go deeper within my submission....ways to show my submission to Him at all times.

~ How to open up. To be emotional. How to show my emotions and not run from them. Because of this, in this past year, i have become a softer person. More romantic, not so afraid of showing someone that side of me. Now, those silly, romantic, fun moments are something i cherish.

~ To trust. This one....well....was really very hard. Being truthful, i trusted Master as first but not a deep level. i did not know Him well enough to do that. That took time and within that time, i began to trust Him with the hidden part of myself. The emotions that Master knows are there, but not shown very often. The fears and hopes that i have, for my future. i trust Him with the part of me that gives unconditionally and without reservation. Only Master has that right in my life, it is one of the freedoms i have within our dynamic. Come to think of it, Master has rights no one else has ever had. But it all lies within trust.

With things i still need to work on. Hmm, i think that is a touchy discussion within ones self. To say that i could improve upon something but not down myself for it. Or think that i am not doing good enough as a slave. i think that requires that i take a step back and look at myself. i think within my place as slave there are a couple of things i could improve upon.

~ my posture. Sometimes i find myself slouching and even though i do correct myself immediatly, i think that i could better work on keeping my posture correct at all times.

~ Defending myself. Yeah..i am actually really bad with that. Master and i have spoken where numerous times He just waits for that "but" to escape my lips. Sometimes He laughs at it but i really think this is something i need to work on. i see it as a form of acceptance. i should not explain myself unless it is A) requested of me or B) it is of grave import. Just saying "but" to just add on to the conversation is something that, i personally, think isn't within my place. If Master has something He wants to tell me, or He is giving me an example where i could have done better, i should accept, without adding anything, that this is something that i could do better with. Master isn't doing it to insult me or say that i am a bad slave, He is doing it because He cares for me and He wants to help me learn.

~ Still needing to work on opening up and becoming more emotional. This really is a hard one for me.....i know that a lot of people never intend to hurt you....but that it will probably happen anyways. The thing to focus on is knowing the difference between non-intentional vs intentional. i am aware of this and goodness knows i have apologized more than enough times for things i have done or thought i have done. Some part of me is just wary....maybe i am a bit more jaded than i thought.....and i really don't like that. Makes me feel yucky inside. ::sigh::

~ Saying sorry all the time. This is something that Master and i have had discussions about before and He is right to correct me. Just another thing that i think i really need to change and although i do try, sometimes the words slip right out anyways.

~ my service to Master. Now, i am not saying that Master isn't pleased with what i have accomplished or how hard i try. From what He has told me, it is quite the opposite really. But, taking into account something from our last visit. i told Master that i was looking for ways to better serve Him. He brought up making coffee. Although i do make the coffee every morning, it would be more beneficial to Him if i were to start making His coffee before He wakes up. Which means when i wake up before Him (even if it is 6:15am), i should get up, feed His dogs and make His coffee. He and i discussed that He would probably wake up...but that He doesn't mind. He would rather wake up to coffee than have to wait for me to make it. This is just an example of how i might fine tune ways i serve Him already. In so doing i serve Him better which in turn makes me feel happy and content.

~ Overall communication. i can speak with Master, answer any questions He might have and joke around. However, when it comes to my fantasies, what i would like to try and emotions, i clam up. With fantasies, i am always nervous that maybe what i am thinking about it intense and heavy. With what i would like to try, i don't want to seem pushy. With my emotions, well...i am working on that one. It is my duty to Master as His slave to tell Him all of these things. i keep in mind that my only job is to be honest with Him and that it is within His power to act on any of it. Still isn't very easy, more since i am pretty shy. Even though i am working on my communication, it is still something i see that could use much improvement.

~ Consistency. Okay, Master brought this up last night actually. See, i thought that i would have this blog entry done by Sunday but sure enough, i wasn't finished. Not even by monday. Master told me that it would have been better of me to tell Him right off that i would not be able to get it done by His time limit instead of saying "no problem Sir, it will be posted tonight". In other words i should not tell Him what i think he wants to hear but what is in fact the probable outcome. He also told me that i have been doing this more and more makes me feel bad that this has been happening.

Well, i think i may have covered all of the bases of things i feel as though i still need to work on. Actually, the list is a little shorter than i thought it would be be but the subjects i feel are important ones. A year in the making. Although i am sure that there are things Master sees that could use improvement, these are ones that popped into my head. No one likes admitting that they have faults or that they are lacking in something they feel they should be doing but to say that i am perfect...well...yeah. lol i strive for it, i look to become more and more each day but ultimately, i will never be perfect. i am just thankful that Master does not expect perfection from me, only that i constantly try my best. Wow, one year. my only wish is that there will be more years in store for me as Master's slave.


Sir said...

This is a beautiful and thoughfully written retrospective on your first year exploring your submission. When I think back to your shy, tentative and curiousity driven start to exploring your submission I am truly amazed at where you are today. From day one you have reached out to not only understand the concepts and emotions of submission but each and everyday you strive to deepen and perfect it. It has been my joy to take you on this journey of exploration and I am so very proud of all you have accomplished in this first year. Sir