Saturday, March 22, 2008

Lead the way- Part III

i gingerly made my way forward yet again. Moving slowing so that the clamps wouldn't pull to hard and Master was kind enough to allow me to move slowly at first. It felt really awkward really....i had to really concentrate on allowing my body to move as smoothly as possible....i tried to let the flow of my movements show, even though i was hindered in a way. Slowly but surely i gained more confidence and soon i was able to get used to crawling in that manner. At one point in time, Master had k make me crawl for her. That was fun actually. i know k and i trust her so i felt pretty comfortable. As we went through training, k had me learn a couple of new commands. Such as if she said a key word, i was to stop and go into pos 4 with my hands behind my back. Simple ones really although trying to absorb everything at once was a challenge. At one point in time, k had me meow like a cat! lol i didn't find that erotic but i did think it was kind of funny. After that, Master once again took control and led me back and forth crawling.....examining my every movement, how high my head was and if my crawling pleased Him. i was very thankful to be learning leash training and it was fun yet also very nerve-wracking. i didn't want to make a mistake or forget anything so i had to concentrate very hard on what i was doing. Now here comes the really hard part. Master had me stand up. With the clamps and leather strings attached, i was standing but my back was bent a little and so were my knees. Needless to say, this made me feel very very awkward. i had the sinking feeling in my stomach what Master wanted me to do but nothing could prepare me for it.

He told me to that....across His living room and back. i froze.....every part of me screamed in rebellion and uncertainty. i honestly felt, with every part of me, that i could not do this. i even said so to Master. But my limits are for Him to decide and within myself, i knew i would never use my safeword. (barring a physical problems, something that triggers extremely negative feelings or real fear.) i shut my eyes...still frozen on the spot...wanting to cry, to beg, for this not to happen. i shut my eyes and dug deep. i had to work past my own feelings....not disregard them but find a way past them. i had to center on my submission and even with the embarrassment and uncertainty swirling within me, i found the strength to do as Master commanded me. Humiliation had not yet entered the picture but with the first step, it made itself apparent. i tried to walk with as much grace as i could muster, knowing that it still wasn't enough. i felt....stripped. Really, truly naked more so than i have in a long time and so extremely humbled. i kept my head facing down, my movements slow and precise. Some might think i would make a run for it but 2 things. One, that would really really hurt. lol Number 2- if i ran, Master would probably have me do it all over again- after He re-applied the clamps and such. Now here is the really cool part. Even though by the time i got back to Master, M and k i felt thoroughly humiliated, i was also happy. i had done what was asked and i think Master really knew how hard it was for me, even without me saying anything. M and k i am sure knew it was hard- but Master knows my soft spots and what i have such a hard time handling. After all was said and done, Master had me kneel in pos.4. He then took the nipple clamps off and rubbed them i squealed- i'll admit it. lol Rubbing also makes it worse but i can never help the desire to lean into His hand when He does. Then He told me to lay back so He could take the clams off the lips of my cu*t. i asked Him if they could just stay there...they were comfortable and all i could think that if the nipples hurt that bad, i was truly not looking forward to the clamps on my cu*t coming off. who could blame me though?!? lol But it wasn't that bad....maybe because they weren't on that tight or maybe because i pulled my nipples more than my lips...who knows. While i was laying down, at some point in time Master got the stinger out of His room and decided then to apply it. The first time i squealed and jumped....the second time He ran it down the back of my leg and i managed to keep my legs still. Master was very proud of me and in a way, so was i. After i was allowed to sit back up, Master gave me a choice. More of the stinger or the nipple clamps re-applied. Guess which i chose? lol M and k sucked in a breath and made the comment that that would hurt even more the second time, more since they just came off a couple of minutes earlier. i honestly didn't care....i wanted to avoid the stinger at all costs. Which makes me think what Master would have to give me a choice between, in which i would choose the stinger. (Provided Master saw fit to give me a choice that is) The stinger does arouse me as i have said before, however, my mind has yet to catch up with my body in that regard. Maybe one day or with more exposure it will happen. But at that time, i felt stretched as it was and wasn't sure i could handle the stinger. So Master put the nipple clamps on as well as weights. (Thank You Sir!) Anything with my nipples...mmm...i am not sure if something could hurt enough. (i say that and i know that there is something out there- i am sure of it lol) Even the stinger has that wonderful pleasure/pain aspect on my nipples. After the weights had been applied, it was back to leash training....going faster and faster...each step was tortuous yet had that arousing sensation to it. But soon, it started to turn into pain....and with that came the tightening of my face and body. Soon i was being instructed to keep my face and body relaxed. That even if it hurt i should appear as graceful as possible. i found myself slipping on my own control. i wanted it to end, simple as that. It was pushing my boundaries and tolerance of pain...mostly because the pain never stopped....i didn't get a break from it. But i tried so hard....i would be walking toward Master and look at His face. i would see His eyes calculating not only how i was moving but i am also sure gaging how much more i could take. After a few minutes of this, Master told me i could stop and He told k she could remove the clamps. she took them off but didn't rub them and even sympathized with the pain. After all was said and done, Master gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me that i was a good girl. Everyone said that i had done a wonderful job and for some reason, i can't remember why, but i went into the kitchen and started cleaning or something. i was pretty far gone but tried to make myself useful. Yeah...not the best idea. i think that is why there is something called aftercare. i remember k coming in and asked me how i was doing. i remember looking down and telling her i was fine and she went back into the living room. she must have seen something or heard something in my face and voice because the next thing i knew, Master was there. He asked me if i was okay....i looked down, not wanting to face Him as tears started to fill my eyes. He very gently took my face in His hand and lifted it up. i know my mouth was trembling, i knew He saw the tears there. He asked me what was the matter...His voice gentle, soothing and just so kind and caring that that caring.....became my undoing. i told Him that it was hard and i saw understanding in His eyes. He hugged me and i just let the tears go. Even though there had been laughter when k took off the clamps and i was smiling after everything was over, i still felt raw. Having quite a few of my defenses ripped away (whether i realized them or not- like being graceful...after this i realized that me concentrating on being graceful even under pressure was a way to guard myself) had quite the effect on me. So there i was, standing in Master's kitchen, crying but trying to be quiet about it and He would just hold me. From time to time He would pull back and just look at my face, for what i had no idea but then Master would smile and gently kiss me. He reminded me how proud He was of me and that i should also be proud of myself. i told Him that i was and thanked Him. i couldn't really get out why i needed to cry so much but it felt good to do. Feeling small and defenseless felt.....i still don't have a word for it yet. But it was good and i know that i was able to feel that way because i knew i was safe, that i could break down and He would be there, that Master would understand and that i was cared for. After i calmed down (which didn't take too long) i finished whatever i was doing....(still out of it think-lol) and went back into the living room. M and k asked me if i was okay and i can't remember if Master or i responded but one of us told them i was okay. Soon M and k soon had to leave so we all exchanged hugs (and handshakes) and all agreed it was a fun night.