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Saturday, January 5, 2008

Forging a submissive mindset :: The screw-up

The day started out fine for the most part. Master and i awoke a little earlier than usual, for He had made an appointment to get His cable for the tv fixed. Well the guy was taking what felt like forever to arrive and i could see that Master was becoming more and more agitated. i felt bad that things were not going well and even worse for the situation when the guy didn't show up at all. Needless to say, Master was not pleased. What happened next in no way justifies my actions and in fact made things a little worse. Here goes. i had been saying "i'm sorry" to Sir all morning, not knowing what else to do, knowing that nothing more could be done. i just didn't know how to make Him feel better and the more it was apparent that i couldn't, the more agitated and frustrated i became. i love making Master's life easier and i just couldn't this time. i hated the feeling....as with all my friends, when something goes wrong, i am the first to try and comfort them or cheer them up. With this, i felt lost. Master and i were standing at the fridge getting ready to make lunch when "it" happened. i said i was sorry for about the umpteenth time and now agitated with me, Master told me to stop saying i was sorry. Instead of just simple responding "Yes Sir, it is just that i know You are not happy and i am unsure of what else to do" (what i seriously wish i would have said), i went off. i said something around the lines of "What? i can't say that i am sorry that Your day has sucked so far? i'm not allowed to feel bad?.........Sir" By the time i finished that sentence, i was yelling and when i saw His eyes flash all i could think was, "Oh God, what did i just do??" Suddenly i felt like the proverbial rabbit facing a snake. i knew beyond all shadow of doubt that i had way, way over stepped my bounds. i was in shock.....i remember just standing there, unable to formulate words, even though my brain was screaming at me to say something, anything. Master turned and without a word, continued to make His lunch. i was silent.....i washed a few dishes all the while wondering what would happen and feeling worse by the second. i kept repeating in my head, "stupid, stupid, stupid......what the hell did you just do.....omg, i am so f*cked and this.....how do i fix this....should i try to talk to Him......aghhhh, i can feel how angry He is.....oh, i'm so sorry" i did speak to Master a couple of time...testing the water to see if i could speak with Him. All i got was short, curt replies, probably more than i deserved. By the time He got done making His lunch i was desperate.....the emotions flying in me faster than i could think, feeling like i could burst from the intensity. As we walked over to the table Master firmly grabbed and stopped me. He had me face Him and in a quiet voice, spoke to me. Told me, very firmly i might add, that the next time i felt as though i needed to express my opinion, i should do it in a more courteous and appropriate manner. Or something like that, honestly it is a little bit of a blur. i could hear the anger and even worse, the disappointment in His voice. Knowing that i had disappointed Master hurt so much i felt frozen. The tense wire that had built within me felt like it was going to snap. my heart was racing, the repetitive litany of "i'm sorry" running through my head. All i could do was stand there, hands behind my back, head bowed down and listen. i couldn't look at Him....my voice was barely above a whisper, when replying "Yes Sir" Part of me was afraid of what punishment Master may have in store for me, the other part of me knew i more than deserved it, i felt as though i deserved one. After that quick speaking to, Master went around me and sat down to eat His lunch. i sat down as well but i was unable to eat. my stomach was rolling, turning and the thought of food was unappealing when all i wanted to do was cry. As Master sat calmly eating His lunch, tears that had been threatening to spill over started to roll down my face. Quietly, i sat with my face either averted to face outside or facing my lap. Being honest, for the span of about a minute, i fought like crazy trying to hold them back, until a lesson i had learned sometime ago flew through my head. If i did not let myself feel, i wasn't fully submitting. There was nothing wrong with crying, i had done something wrong, felt bad and it was a way of expressing it. But i still did not break down as much as i could have. (The thought of just sobbing on the kitchen table while Master was eating His lunch was ghastly- but i did not dare to ask permission to slink off to some corner to cry) He asked me if i wanted to cry and i just about broke down anyways when i told Him "i already am Sir" i was teetering on that fine edge of control and responding made that fine line even thinner, if that was possible. Yes i know i was holding myself back emotionally but for those whom are curious, that has already been discussed between Master and i. When the worst of what i was feeling was over, i told Master that even though the way i had expressed myself was completely wrong, i still meant what i said. i tried to explain to Him that with all of my close friends, i am always the first to try and comfort them or cheer them up and that i was feeling frustrated that i couldn't find a way to do so earlier. Master said that He understood but that i had yelled at the very person whom i was trying to make feel better. That statement alone brought me back to the brink of tears...because it was true. i felt so guilty for what i had done and even now, the memory makes me cringe. He also said that saying sorry all the time, dulls the feeling behind it and that i should not apologize for the world. That is not my responsibility. Very true and very good advice. So now i am trying to break the habit. Master and i spoke for a few more minutes and i managed to eat about half of my lunch (it was all i could handle) and then i started to clean up. Master walked around doing various things and although i heard Him, admittedly i wasn't paying that much attention. Even though it was over and i hadn't been punished, i couldn't shake the feelings i was having. Washing the dishes, wiping the counters, everything that i normally do, became automatic. As i finished the dishes, Master came and stood behind me. i turned to Him and quietly said "hello Sir". i started to turn back when He stopped me and told me that He wanted a hug. i am not really sure what i was expecting....a punishment still or anger maybe but not a hug. When Master stated that that is what He wanted, my heart jumped even though in my head i asked myself if i really deserved the privilege of hugging Him. Careful to put the sponge back in it's place and wipe my hands dry (as much i wanted to throw myself into His arms, i was not about to get His shirt wet) and turned to Him. As His strong arms wrapped around me, i could feel that He was no longer mad with me. It was then that i really comprehended that it was over and that everything would be okay. What happened next threw me for a loop. After releasing me, Master said to go to the dungeon. i knew what was in there and what He had wanted to do and His instructions sent my mind racing once again. i wasn't sure if He wanted to use me or punish me and in my moment of trying to find balance i told Master that i had not wiped out the sink yet. (water spots are yucky as well it is part of what i am to do every time i use the sink) He then said, "Don't worry about it, do it later" That floored me....i even think my mouth dropped open with that one. i had no idea what was happening and Master's instructions to leave it alone was unusual to say the least. i said "Yes Sir" and went into the dungeon still bewildered, with Master following me in. When i got inside, i saw that He had the perch set up, with the harley attached. At this point i still had no idea what was going to happen and a part of me honestly was not in the mindset for being used. (Not that matters, just saying) Even though i was trying to move past it, i still felt bad so when Master instructed me to brace myself over the harley, all i could think was omg and wonder what would happen next.

2 comments:

CresceNet said...

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Sir said...

chai, as I have told you in the past, often times the most effective punishment is not giving you the chance to feel our dynamic... disconnect your submission to me. As you are about to tell your readers, you discovered how I took your indescrtion and created an opportunity to push you from a negative state of mind, to a mindset deep within your submission. Sir