Saturday, November 10, 2007

Finding Tears

There was a particular scene that Sir and i did this past visit that shook my emotional self to the point where my Master agrees with me when i describe myself as an emotional yo yo after that scene. During the scene as well was a rollercoaster of sorts, my inner self flipping from one end to the other and eventually finding a middle ground within the chaos of my mind. It started out easy enough with my Master using the "thuddy" flogger, soft at first then with increasing pressure but nothing i could not handle with just deep breaths. He then started to mix a couple of medium strokes and then a hard fast one that had me squirming. i cannot remember in what order things came next but i will describe each as best as i can. At one point in time Sir pulled out the stingy flogger and It stung quite a bit and thus started the frantic searching inside my head on how to breath through it all. Sir also decided to use the stinger.....i was standing, legs spread with Sir kneeling between my legs.i couldn't close them and part of me wanted to close my legs, move..... do something. By that time He had used the thuddy and stingy flogger and the cane. It is hard to describe.....i was sort of panicked.....i knew that i was safe but at the same time not knowing how long all of this would last about drove me insane. One time that stands out in my mind is when He had finished using the cane and left me standing in the middle of the room. He only left me there for about 10 seconds....all He did was turn around and go through His toy bag, looking for something, although i did not know what at the time. While His back was turned, i felt the tears in the back of my eyes and a little voice inside my head was saying "too much, too much!!" my heart was pounding, my breath a bit shaky and i was sooo nervous not knowing what He was going to do next. But here is the really cool part....once i stopped fighting the tears, it suddenly wasn't too much. Yes i was being pushed and my reaction showed that but holding it in was hurting me more than what was happening. (i hope that makes sense) Well, the next thing i know Sir has the stinger in Has hand, although i felt it before i saw it really. Owwwwwww. lol No i wasn't really looking at what was in His hand. (But i knew what it was the moment i felt it, that's for sure!) In fact, while my Master was using the stinger i had the craziest urge to giggle, even though i was crying and wanting it to end (somewhat-lol). A whole slew of emotions ran through me the entire time. Something that stands out is that from time to time, Sir would hold my face, look into my eyes and give me a kiss. During that tender, slow moment i would feel an increase of arousal. i knew that He was doing this for a reason and that i could trust Him. Yet another example of what i call "calm facts". Even with my emotions bouncing off the walls, the fact that i had no idea what He was going to the calm space within my mind, i knew that He wasn't going to hurt me. i think because of that, my emotional, mental and physical self was able to grasp the erotic feel of His lips and hear the gentle pride in His voice when He would say good girl. (i am a happy slave whenever He says that) After He had used the stinger, my Master had me lie back on His bed, told me not to move my legs and continued with the stinger along with a couple of other items. When He was done, He had me sit up next to Him at which time all i could do was lean against Him and just feel His strength. How calming it is to have ones Master just hold you after a scene in which the sub/slave is pushed. As we were talking, i confessed that i still had the urge to urge i am not sure weather or not surprised my Master. He told me in a calm voice that that was okay and if i still needed to let it out i could and should. So i did. lol i think i just needed that extra bit of release although i was a bit cuddly for sometime after...but Sir is very kind and understanding about after-care so He allowed me the time i needed to gather myself together. i have said before that Sir gives me that safe harbor in which to just let go of what ever i am feeling and i am happy that i am getting better at doing that. As with many scenes Sir and i have done, this one made everything feel a little surreal for a little bit although i was very happy afterward. Happy that i had pleased Him, happy that i made it through the scene, happy that i was able to let go emotionally even more and very happy Master decided to push me and through it all i know that i had made Him proud. What more could a slave ask for?