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Thursday, July 5, 2007

Decision


Excited excited excited!!! There is an added element to my upcoming visit with Sir. A very private (just between the two of us) collaring ceremony of sorts where Sir will present to me a new collar. A slave collar. Sir last night asked me about my intentions of asking Him His permission to become His slave this upcoming visit and i stayed quiet. He had been letting me tiptoe around the subject for the past couple of weeks, probably knowing what was on my mind. He remained patient, not pushing the subject any farther than i was ready. Last night He pretty much just put it out there and i froze inside my mind. i really should not have been surprised...but i think it was one of those moments where in your mind it's no big deal...but come the real thing it becomes a whole different story. Since i stayed quiet Sir asked me if He was being presumptuous. i closed my eyes and took a deep breath. What i was about to say held an importance to me. He and i had spoken about what it would be like for me to become His slave. i knew that my words, albeit not what i have in mind to say to Him when the time comes, was still a verbal confirmation of my intentions. my heart was pounding but when i looked inside myself i knew the answer, crystal clear and sure. i told Him, "no Sir, You are not being presumptuous." i then told Him that i had been thinking lately of how to ask Him His permission to become His slave.....but how do you put into words the amount of trust you have in one person? The friendship, respect and loyalty? Ultimate surrender? How do you express the joy you find in serving Another and the happiness you feel in being allowed to do so? How you feel pride at receiving the title slave yet so humbled at the same time? Can you truly put that depth of emotion and submission into words? Can all of that really be put into a question? Let me get a bit mushy, yet honest, on you for a minute. Although my asking Sir is important and i am sure He will carefully listen to my words, i also have the strongest feeling that He will be reading the question in my eyes more than listening to it come out of my mouth. Somehow i won't be surprised if my eyes fill with tears during this time. i had once asked myself if i was putting too much emotion in the aspect of becoming Sir's slave but i have come to realize that i would not be happy or really be able to function with anything less. (i am currently writing an entry about that as well) i have written quite a few times about becoming a slave, so those who have read my entries know that this decision was not lightly made and that i have been thinking about it for quite a while. The collaring being very private makes me very happy and filled with anticipation. i am not sure when or really how this will occur, what exactly will happen during or after, i just know that it will happen. That is one thing Sir and i agreed on...that a big collaring ceremony was not for us. i think from a selfish standpoint (being honest) if i am going to bare myself to that extent, i think i would rather it be only Sir and i. On the same train of thought of becoming collared as Sir's slave, there is the collar. Yes, i just have to go there. lol It is SO beautiful and He designed it Himself. He decided to show me a picture of it one day and i wanted to jump up and down with excitement. i wish i could put a pic of it up but i have to remain anonymous...but it is so pretty. It isn't "loud" or large, instead it is understated and refined...much like Sir's personality. i have written many times about how Sir's Dominance isn't loud but still so very apparent. So it "fits" quite nicely. The best part is...it can't come off. Instead of an actual lock, it screws shut with a special screwdriver, so it cannot be removed by anyone but Sir and i love that. Last night Sir wrote in the chat box..slave chai...and i must admit i smiled.....big. lol Sir also stated that He Himself has been stumbling on the word "submissive" in regards to me, saying that i had been His slave in His mind for a while now. i agreed with Him...even within my own mind, somewhere along the way, the slave mindset had taken over. So now it really is just a matter of making it official. i know that my heart will be racing and i just hope that my mind doesn't go blank. By the time Sir actually puts that collar around my neck, i will have been His submissive for very nearly 7 months....and it is amazing how much things have changed, how much i have changed. i remember when i very first started out, how tentative and shy i was. (Still a little shy but that's okay lol) i remember how slow Sir moved with me, even when i wanted to jump in head first. All the things He has taught me, how gently He has guided me, the trust and friendship that has been built, everything gradually moving in this direction and i know that my journey and learning won't stop with me becoming His slave, in fact, i think becoming His slave will start a whole new aspect of our journey and exploration with each other. This is a big step in my mind, but it is one that i am so excited and willing to take. As i write this there is a calmness within me and a feeling of "right". Let me add in a very high level of anticipation as well. lol i would say there are perhaps 100 different emotions floating around in my head at the moment..... Officially becoming Sir's slave is something that i am greatly looking forward to. The trust i have in Him and my desire to serve Him unfailingly allows me to feel nothing but happiness, certainty and anticipation of being allowed to serve Him as His slave. He will be my Master, i will be His slave and at His feet is where i will always be most content.

1 comments:

Sir said...

chai,
It is very true that I have thought of you more as my slave then my submissive for a while now. I have said before how amazed I am at the growth you have shown in all aspects of your persona. your confidence, positive attitude, a more elegant demeanor and of course the depth to which your submission has grown. I look forward to placing that collar around your neck and acknowledging fully the beauty of your submission as my slave. Sir