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Monday, July 9, 2007

Needs



This entry is about emotional needs. i am writing this because i have begun to realize things about myself. Although i have done an excellent job of remaining un-emotional about most things and using logic as a back drop to almost every conversation i have, i have come to realize that i am indeed an emotional person. For example, a few night's ago Sir and i were talking and He asked me why i was able to go straight to sleep when i was with Him and yet keep such god-awful sleeping patterns when i am away from Him. i had the instant urge to crack a joke and tell Him it was because i am more tired by the end of night when i am with Him. *wink wink* lol That is true by the way but not the point in this case. For some reason my mind steered itself in a different direction. Towards honesty. i told Him it was because when i am with Him i am not stressed, my mind slows down and i am calm. That i feel protected and safe when i am with Him. The desire to tell Him the truth outweighed my fear of exposing my emotional self. i have been doing that more and more lately..... i think i described it as discovering my softer side. i am also discovering that i "need" to feel....that i can't really function without doing so. Before i met Sir i somehow managed to convince myself that emotions were not needed in any format, including relationships. After a while i became afraid to feel, terrified of opening that door. my friendships with my closest friends even suffered because of this. As you have read in this journal, there have been a few times that i have had to make the conscious decision to feel. This is something Sir has been working on with me slowly, from day one. With His gentle guidance i have been slowly discovering that emotional side of me and i think that our dynamic has been made so much better for it. Even my friends have noticed a difference, they say i am not as "cut off" as i used to be. Showing myself emotionally is still kind of hard and if i am really upset about something i usually take a day to think about it so i can really look at why i am upset so i can explain it better. i think that is just being responsible to make sure you don't over exaggerate something or have a lot of drama in your life. When i say i "need" to feel in order to function it simply means that if i cannot feel i cannot be. This pertains to pretty much every aspect of my life. i don't think i could truly be a friend to someone if i did not harbor that affection towards them....i wouldn't be able to relate or sympathize. Switching gears, lets take that philosophy to my submission to Sir. If i did not feel that submission within me, if i did not feel the desire to serve, then what i would pretty much end up doing is laying there and "just taking it", or do chores while sighing and rolling my eyes. i suppose that is why i emphasize so often in my blog not only the respect and trust i have in Sir, but also the friendship we share and how deep my emotions run concerning my desire to serve Him. i need to feel that and i need to be allowed to do so. Through all this i have come to better understand the difference between need and want. When i first started speaking with Sir and the foundation of our dynamic was building, i was still in the mindset that i didn't need emotions. So i felt that i wanted that friendship and connection. As i have traveled further in my journey, i have come to realize that i actually need that emotional backing and involvement, however nervous i feel about it at times. On the same thought, it is also like i need to be punished...not because i like it but because i beat myself up enough if i disappoint or disobey Sir. Being given a punishment not only helps me learn it also helps me move on. i remember one time when i had disrespected Sir by not using His title as i should i was given a punishment. He then told me that it was best to get my punishment over with so we could both move on. Another example of this would be the time i left the room without His permission and He told me not to adjust the cam to watch me crawl back to my room. If you remember i took that quite hard....what i didn't realize at the moment is that Sir did not enjoy saying that at all, but He saw the need for the correction and the lesson. After i returned and we spoke and He issued the punishment for the offense, He could still see me on the cam and saw that i was still beating myself up over it. In all honesty i did not feel better until after i had completed my punishment...i then was able to let go and move on. So punishments, however the form, is something i also need.Going deeper within myself (now this is getting tough to write), i also need to feel wanted, protected and cherished. Here is where an interesting mix of emotions and logic combines. i need to feel wanted because i desire to give so much of my time and energy and submission to Sir that if i felt unwanted, i wouldn't be able to function, i would feel useless. On a logical note, why give someone something they don't want? i need to feel protected and cared for, i need to feel safe regardless what is happening or what Sir is doing. Logical note, why be with someone you do not trust or feel safe around? As for being cherished....i like the actual definition of the word which is, to treat with affection and tenderness. As for a thesaurus, i like those words too...adored, friendly, precious, safe, valuable and accepted. With all those words i don't think there is much left to say about needing to be cherished.i see myself as lucky. Sir encourages me to be honest, even if i am nervous about doing so. He has always embraced our friendship and He has never told me i could not feel. He understands that sometimes it is hard for me to do so but doesn't push me farther than i can handle and is patient when i have an emotional overload, although i try not to have out-bursts often. He knows that i have a hard time moving on if i disappoint Him and has always been supportive in helping me do so, even if it involves being punished for He knows that it helps me to learn and move on. i have always felt wanted, protected and cherished in our dynamic and i seriously doubt i will ever feel different. Re-reading this i can see how much i have grown and how much i have learned about myself with Sir's guidance and it only makes me even more certain that this journey to becoming His slave, to give all of myself to serve Him faithfully, is something i desire to do with all of my heart.

21 comments:

agog1102 said...

Thank you for this. I am also a woman working on releasing the submissive within myself with a very patient Master. I've been emotionally repressed as well and Master has been very patient in drawing me out and letting me come to understand that it ok to need him. I hope you will post more soon...

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Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for writing this. I have been struggling with the same things and reading this has shined new light and helped me to realized that I will one day be able to submit the way I want too.

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