Monday, July 16, 2007


i am writing this entry really about sex. Sort of anyways...more of the fact that something that Sir has been trying to instill within me has just clicked recently. As you have read, one of my fears is letting the physical become to important, to where the emotional and mental aspect of my submission to Sir takes a back seat to the physical. Well Sir has been patiently guiding me to realize and accept that enjoying the physical aspect of our dynamic in no way demeans how much i love to serve Him outside that realm. i will admit that my brain has been fighting Him on that, convinced that it was either one or the other. However, this past week Sir and i have had a few discussions about that which has helped greatly in my understanding. But also keep in mind that it is one thing to read or speak out it and another to actually experience it. This is where realization and acceptance comes into play. This past week or so i have been extremely horny and aroused, i am even that now actually while i am writing. lol i definitely have had sex on the brain, almost every time i lay down something pops into my head weather it be sex, or erotic pain (i miss getting spanked by Sir (SO much), servicing and pleasuring Him by sucking His cock and i honestly miss the cane....just thinking about that......again with my head going into the submissive gutter...see what i mean?) But even with all the physical and erotic thoughts running through my head, i get that immense rush of happiness and joy at the thought of cooking Him breakfast, bathing Him, giving Him massages, cleaning for Him and generally making His life easier and more comfortable. Thus i have found balance within myself. In a way, service to Him in the "domestic" manner and sexual manner are in the same realm. They both please Him and i love to serve and please Him in any way He allows. They both have their own unique emotional and mental aspects within them and one is just as important as the other. i suppose that because i recognize those differences in my own mindset is the reason why i have always separated the two. i have read some blogs where the submissive's mindset is the same whether she is washing the dishes or serving sexually and that is perfectly okay. i just can't do that. my mindset changes slightly when He desires for me to serve Him sexually vs washing His dishes. "changing gears" to fit the situation is probably the best way i could sum up my perception on that. The whole point is that even this past week where i have been horny enough to where it felt like all i was thinking about was sex, it wasn't all that i was thinking about when i stopped and thought about it. i thought plenty of times about my upcoming visit and how much i look forward to serving Him in the "domestic" matters and (of course) my asking Him His permission to become His slave. i think that in my mind the two aspects are starting to merge....slowly and carefully, but merging nonetheless. i don't think that "domestic" and sexual service will ever be approached the same in my mind...but being able to fully accept the physical side of my submission for what it is has enabled me to "let go" of some of my sexual shyness. Hopefully more will follow. Further growth, further understanding and acceptance...all of it taking place, just in it's own time.