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Monday, June 18, 2007

masochism

This is a blog entry that Sir gave me to do today. He asked me to write about what i thought was my most memorable S/m experience he gave me therefore describing the S/m part of our D/s dynamic. Even when i had made the decision to find out more about this lifestyle, i never considered myself masochistic. In fact, i was more afraid of being pushed too hard in that realm more than anythings else. i have learned quite a bit about myself in that area, well, a lot in general actually and i have come to discover that i am masochistic after all. lol So i think in this entry i will describe three of my most memorable experiences.... although they are very similar in some ways, in others they are very different.

The first one is when i was flogged for the very first time. Sir tells me the He actually gave me a pretty hard flogging. i will say that yes, it hurt. i will also add that part of me liked it very much. i think that is when i actually discovered my masochistic side. i remember at times thinking that i was not sure if i could handle much more, but i was afraid to admit that. Because of this, looking back, i did not let myself go and allow myself to feel. Lets fast forward a bit shall we? There was another scene that Sir and i did where He took a wooden shish-ka-bob skewer, bent it backwards, let it go and it would snap against the skin of my inner thigh. This time Sir had me count each one. It ended up being 50 on each thigh. By the time Sir was almost done it was very hard to count each one, yet still i was reluctant admitting that it hurt. Afterward, Sir sat me down and we had a discussion about said scene. i told Him that part of me was afraid of admitting that it hurt, because even though it hurt, i enjoyed it, and i was afraid that He would stop if i cried out or said stop. He reiterated that we have a safe word for that purpose. So i can yell and say stop or say anything else without Him stopping. He also told me that just because i may say something does not mean He will stop, He will push me as far as He thinks i can go at the time and will stop if He sees me becoming overwhelmed or if i use our safe word. That alleviated a lot of my worries to be honest. Fast forwarding yet again. lol Now onto another very memorable scene. That was this past visit when Sir gave me my 20 cane strokes i had earned. i was filled with anticipation about this one. i remembered the conversation that Sir and i had about me admitting that something hurt and i had made the decision not to put my guard up. Sir gives me that safe place for a reason and this time i was not going to try being strong. Sir had me count these strokes as well. He had me stand in front of a wall, put my hands on it and present myself. This means i am to stick my ass out with my back arched and i am not to anticipate any stroke. At first this wasn't so bad. But around cane stroke number 7, i started to really feel it. By number 10 i was reacting quite a bit, by 12 or 13 i was making noise. i remember miscounting somewhere and i earned myself another cane stroke. i remember somewhere around number 16 Sir getting His bigger cane and part of me did not want to move away from the wall. i had my entire body pressed up against the wall... trying to somehow avoid the next stroke. lol Sir told me to present myself....twice. i did as i was told and i really wanted to cry. Don't get me wrong, part of me really wanted what Sir was doing.....just that one other part of me wanted to cry. i presented myself and i felt Him slowly slide the bigger cane across my upper thighs, right below the swell of my ass. It was cool against my thighs and i could feel the weight and thickness difference against my skin. Part of me wanted to beg Him to use the smaller one and the other part of me was filling with anticipation. lol i was torn..... Well Sir gave me the last couple of cane strokes and i remember Him guiding me to His bed and sitting me on His lap. During this entire time, Sir would periodically check to see if i was okay. He would stop and look at my face, say good girl when i presented myself for another stroke. As i sat in His lap, i was shaking a little bit but i calmed down pretty quickly. Sir and i talked a little bit about what had happened and how He and i felt about the scene and did a little cuddling before resuming our other activities in His house.

Each time i go and visit Sir, every time He pushes me just a little bit farther, that wall of self defense, that mindset that i can always take more and that fear of crying gets broken down more and more. The S/m part of our D/s dynamic has slowly been building. Sir has never pushed me too fast too far and i know He is always careful not to do so. i know He watches me carefully always judging how i am reacting, reading my body language. Sir, i think, has become very proficient at that since i am not very verbal. Getting there though with His patience and support. Which is something else i am always thankful for. The emotions, as you have read, are sometimes complex during a scene where Sir pushes me just a little bit further, but afterward i know i can always speak to Sir about what i was feeling and thinking. As i travel further down this road or exploration of D/s, S/m, erotic pain, service and a whole bunch more with Sir, i find myself always looking forward to taking that next step with Sir guiding me. So as always the journey continues.

1 comments:

Sir said...

chai,

As I promised you from the very start... this would be a journey of discovery. you are beginning to realize and accept your masochism. Indeed you are embracing the emotions that are triggered by it and with more practice I am confident you will soon fully break through the "wall of self defense" that keeps you from fully experiencing and feeling all that our S/m exploration has to offer you. Sir