Monday, August 6, 2007

Letting it out

i am writing this because this is something that Sir wanted me to write about.... how i am going to let myself feel the emotion behind the cane strokes and allow the tears that are there to flow freely. To describe that process there is only one word i can come up with...surrender. i will surrender that part of myself fully and give it to Him and that is a bit scary for me. i have this small problem with crying, or really, the lack thereof. It is not that i do not want to, i have mentioned a couple of times in my blog that i wanted to cry but i just couldn't let go. i know that when Sir tells me to write about the emotion behind the cane strokes and allowing the tears to come, He is speaking from more than just a physical ouch-this-hurts type of thing, He is also speaking of me crying from my submission and using my submission to override any fears that i may have when it comes to crying and to let go. When i do surrender that part of me, i know i will need Sir to be there. i know that once i start crying i may have a hard time stopping for a couple of minutes but i also know that i will not be made to feel stupid or weak for crying. i know that Sir will be supportive and kind and that He will probably hold me and tell me it's okay. Some of you may be asking, if it is that hard to do, then why do it? Easy, because my desire to open up to Him, to please Him, outweighs my fear. i know it is isn't going to be easy for me but i also know that the first time is always the hardest. How i am going to do this, i am not really sure exactly is one of those moments when talking about it and it actually happening are two very different things. So expect another entry on this matter again. i think what i will really need to do is allow myself to live in the moment and not fight the emotions that are surfacing and trust Sir to be there. i think my understanding of my submission as well as coming to truly understand it's depth over the passing of time and my understanding of myself has grown to where i can let myself go completely and surrender my emotional self which i have kept under such tight control. Again, not saying i am going to turn into a blubbering female 24/7 (lol) or anything like that but surrender in the context of not hiding (emotionally) from Sir in that manner. Although i am a bit nervous about all of this occurring, there is also a part of me that welcomes all this happening. my submission and trust in Sir calms me greatly while writing this, knowing that i will be pleasing Him when i give Him that part of me makes me happy and knowing He will be there makes me feel safe. i think i am one happy, lucky subbie. lol


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