Thursday, May 17, 2007

More about begging

Begging is hard....because i have to admit that i want something and how badly i want it. i am not used to saying that i want something and sometimes it is uncomfortable to voice my desires. Last night though, i was able to. i was able to beg. The crushing feeling was in my chest while a war raged in my head. i wanted to, the feeling was there but once againi was fighting myself. Part of me warned me against saying anything, that admitting i wanted something made me weak, left me vulnerable. The other part wanted to beg as my breath caught in my chest. Then, something inside me snapped. The voice of my desire to please, to submit, to beg came through, and what i was telling myself was rather rude in my opinion. lol The jist of it would amount to "you are safe with Sir, every part of you wants to do this, so stop being afraid to admit that you want something and say something dammit!" (please excuse my language, but that is what i was really thinking) The wall began to fall, and i let myself not only speak the words i desired to but i let myself fall into them. There i found strength within my submission. i would say that my mind set has changed a bit. i am still vulnerable when i beg but i am not weak. Now i see that begging also takes strength. It is a sign of the strength of my submission and of myself. i told Him that it was not easy and explained why. This is what amazes me about Sir from time to time. His patience. He knew that i was fighting myself, but instead of giving me an "out" He very patiently stayed quiet and just waited. He knew what i would do.....eventually. lol The silence from Him was killer. i knew what He was waiting for and i wanted to give it so badly, and there started to battle within myself. Now here is a realization about myself, one that i just have to voice. i have told Sir a few times that i always i feel i am running toward something whenever He uses me. Whether it is in bondage, flogging, or erotic pain. The best idea we could come up with is that i was always reaching to that deeper submission, and we were dead on. Let me explain why. With each passing moment Sir was quiet, i was afraid He would say something and give me that "out". i kept thinking (well feeling is more like it) in my head, "just a little more, a little more time" although i did not know why. Now i do. i was running, reaching, for that breaking point. The point where all and any uncertainty or shyness is void. Where my submission could come out full strength and me not worry about what i was going to say or what i was going to do. To become 100% reactionary. To feel, to cry, to beg and to accept. Sir gave me the time i needed to reach that space within my head. Somehow i know that i could go deeper within that space, i think it is another aspect of my submission. One i kept fighting somewhere in my head, but never really knew what i was doing. But now that i know what i keep running for, maybe now i can catch it. lol Ok, back on topic.
When i last wrote about
begging, all i could write about was the frustration surrounding the issue, that even though i wanted to beg so badly, i couldn't. Now i am writing about the strength i have found within begging and how i could not see it before. i was afraid to admit, to voice, my desires. But i have found the freedom in admitting the simple truths about my desires and i am made happier for it. i may have to keep tearing down that wall until it iscompletely gone, but i am now well on my way. Sir said that last night He could not only hear my pleas, but He felt them as well. i was so happy to hear that from Him. i had finally let go that part of me. Not all the way i think, but i feel better knowing that letting go and begging will be so much easier to do. i just have to keep reaching into myself even if it is hard to and that leaning on Sir during those times if i need to is okay. i am over the hardest part concerning my begging, and i derive pleasure knowing that the next time He has me beg, or if i beg because i feel it is something i need to do, i can let go. Maybe slowly at first but i know He will hear and feel it in my words. He will be pleased and i will latch onto the freedom Sir gives me. The freedon to simply be.