Wednesday, May 16, 2007


This entry is about a culmination of my thoughts and feelings over my submission. This started to snowball a few days ago. Sir decided to use me pretty hard and i came close to orgasm a couple of times. i was begging Him to let me f*ck myself, all pretense gone. Every time He would stop, i would beg. The last time He did this, it was for good. He had used me to the extent that He desired to but i was frustrated. Very frustrated, enough that i said something about it. That was the first time i had ever done that and hopefully it will be my last. Sir's pleasure and desire loom very large in my frame of mind. Everything i do, everything He has me do, is for His pleasure. But this time, i was thinking of my pleasure and not His. Sir reminded me that thinking like that was not being submissive and then He gave me a choice. Either i could take the lesson learned and be happy through my submission or i could stick the vibe back in my cu*t for 30 min and if i needed to cum i had permission to. my choice was almost spit-second, i chose the lesson learned. Some may ask me why i made the choice i did, some already know the answer. To those who do ask why, my answer is this. Because that is what was important to me. my desire to submit overrode in every way my own personal desire. This is what makes me smile- Sir gave me the CHOICE- and i love knowing that my submission was automatic despite what i was feeling. Which brings me to a thought a long the same lines.

Back to the past for second. When Sir gave me my first flogging(which if you have read the rest of my blog, you will know i didn't handle it too well) at first it wasn't too bad, it just stung a little. But each stroke was harder than the last and the pain hit. i kept presenting myself thinking "this is what i wish to do for Him, i will submit for Him." When He was done i was kind of out of it, still trying to process everything that happened. Sir made me look Him in the eyes and told me i should never be afraid to say no, and then made sure i completely understood. i still cannot describe the feeling behind my thinking, but i can tell you what went through my head. i would have said something earlier, but i needed to process and accept the depth of my statement. He told me i should never be afraid to say no, and i thought- "But i will never tell You no" i was not screaming this in my head, in fact it was a calm statement. That statement is very deep for me, but it is truth. If i ever feel like i am going to pass out, i will tell Him, if something doesn't feel right when He is using me, i will tell Him, if i am insane with nervousness, i will tell Him- but i will never tell Him no. Even in the midst of pain, that was my only thought concerning the statement He gave me- the choice He gave me. Even writing this down in some ways amazes me. To keep it to ones self is one thing, to verbalize and accept is another. But i am happy with my choice and i think that may be the whole point.