Begging

i am learning that letting go isn't that easy to do. i have been able to drop many of my walls but there are a few that i cannot seem to break down by myself. Sir used me today and He had me beg. i heard it in my head, i felt in my heart and part of me was screaming what i was feeling but i couldn't seem to vocalize it. It is so frustrating to not be able to say what i need, what i desire. What makes it even harder is i know that when Sir wishes me to beg, it is because He wants to hear what i desire, and i want to tell Him so badly but i can't. Almost every time i try i feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and i can't breath. Inside my head i am screaming, begging, pleading and sometimes my eyes start to fill with tears because i just can't seem to let go enough to say what i wish to, what i need to. i think it is perhaps along the same lines as crying... no matter how bad i want to i can't seem to let go sometimes. There have a been a few times that i was able to let go and just go with it. At those times the one major thing they have in common is that i was being pushed. i once told Sir that there were walls that i could not go through and break down by myself and that i wanted to let go... i told Sir that talking about my walls being down and putting that into action are very different from each other, and Sir agrees. i will admit the harder He pushes me, the further through a wall i go. But as Sir has said before, i have to be willing to go through those walls first. When Sir pushed me the first time He flogged me, a wall came crashing down. i cannot help but think that this is another wall. Sir told me that the begging He is asking me to do is personal and somewhat primal. That i need to give myself time to feel it and believe in it. The thing is, i DO feel it, i feel it in my heart and i hear it in my head. He is right, there is a primal feeling there as well, it is almost like a compulsion. The urge to bare all and to vocalize those desires, those needs. i think it may make me extremely nervous to beg because i am very, very vulnerable at those times. If i hold even just a little bit of myself back i am protected. Which in my mind makes no sense really. i have said plenty of times that Sir gives me a safe harbor in which to lose control and i know i am protected and safe there. Remembering all of this will probably help me with this particular issue and i will be much happier for it. Breaking down my walls is something that i truly desire to do for it helps me toward my goal. They won't be easy to breakdown and i am sure it will be hard but i know it will all be worth it.