Wednesday, May 16, 2007


i am learning that letting go isn't that easy to do. i have been able to drop many of my walls but there are a few that i cannot seem to break down by myself. Sir used me today and He had me beg. i heard it in my head, i felt in my heart and part of me was screaming what i was feeling but i couldn't seem to vocalize it. It is so frustrating to not be able to say what i need, what i desire. What makes it even harder is i know that when Sir wishes me to beg, it is because He wants to hear what i desire, and i want to tell Him so badly but i can't. Almost every time i try i feel as though someone is sitting on my chest and i can't breath. Inside my head i am screaming, begging, pleading and sometimes my eyes start to fill with tears because i just can't seem to let go enough to say what i wish to, what i need to. i think it is perhaps along the same lines as crying... no matter how bad i want to i can't seem to let go sometimes. There have a been a few times that i was able to let go and just go with it. At those times the one major thing they have in common is that i was being pushed. i once told Sir that there were walls that i could not go through and break down by myself and that i wanted to let go... i told Sir that talking about my walls being down and putting that into action are very different from each other, and Sir agrees. i will admit the harder He pushes me, the further through a wall i go. But as Sir has said before, i have to be willing to go through those walls first. When Sir pushed me the first time He flogged me, a wall came crashing down. i cannot help but think that this is another wall. Sir told me that the begging He is asking me to do is personal and somewhat primal. That i need to give myself time to feel it and believe in it. The thing is, i DO feel it, i feel it in my heart and i hear it in my head. He is right, there is a primal feeling there as well, it is almost like a compulsion. The urge to bare all and to vocalize those desires, those needs. i think it may make me extremely nervous to beg because i am very, very vulnerable at those times. If i hold even just a little bit of myself back i am protected. Which in my mind makes no sense really. i have said plenty of times that Sir gives me a safe harbor in which to lose control and i know i am protected and safe there. Remembering all of this will probably help me with this particular issue and i will be much happier for it. Breaking down my walls is something that i truly desire to do for it helps me toward my goal. They won't be easy to breakdown and i am sure it will be hard but i know it will all be worth it.


James said...

Nicely written. You seem to write as you think, which gives the writing a natural flow. I find it interesting that begging is hard for so many women, and so it's interesting for me to read your thoughts on the topic. What is it, do you think, that makes it so intense?

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Bridgette said...

You have written my thoughts exactly. When Sir tells me to beg I feel it but I can not seem to get to a point where begging doesn't sound flat or rehearsed even though the feelings and the need are sincere.