Tuesday, May 22, 2007

i will talk to Sir sooner then later

i had a conversation with Sir tonight, one that was probably over due. Let me explain. Over the past week i have been feeling very "off". Mood swings, quiet and just plain sad. There are many new things happening in our dynamic, many changes. The main three are toilet training (water sports), something personal and the possibility of entering a poly dynamic. Sir's first thought was that the idea of entering a poly dynamic was what was upsetting me so much, even though He and i have discussed it at length. But that was not the case in this situation. It also had nothing to do with the aforementioned activities either. It had to do with a dream i had. In my dream i made the decision to become Sir's slave. As i am sure everyone has read in my blog, that is a title i take very seriously and would, someday, be honored to carry such a title. How ever, the dream was very intense and i woke up with a million questions. Those questions and my desire for answers somehow became my focus and i began to feel a little lost and without direction. Too many thoughts and i could not let it go. my biggest mistake was not telling Sir what i was thinking or feeling from the very beginning. Instead i tried to find the answers i thought i needed on my own and the harder i pushed myself to find those answers, the more tired, sad and drained i became. Thus started a long week of Sir worrying about me and my mindset. Usually i am a very happy person, but this past week i was so drained from thinking and trying to find answers on my own, that i, at times, had a hard time even speaking to Sir and i just felt off. As i look back, Sir picked up on all things i do not normally do. Such as going to bed early, not writing Him as often as i usually do, my speech changed and according to Sir, my whole demeanor as well. In the discussion i had with Sir it took me a while to get out the real reason why i was so upset but it finally came out. He was not angry with me, albeit a little disappointed that i had not come to Him sooner, but understanding for the most part. So i got a "lecture". i say it that way because Sir was, for the most part, in "teacher/friend" mode. But even in that "mode" His Dominance is still apparent, just at a different level. He told me that there is no hurry and that i am on this journey to find the depth of my submission. He also said that i will probably ask permission to become His slave the same way i asked permission to become His submissive and to address Him as Sir. When and if the time is right, it will be something that i feel. i remember when i asked to become His submissive, something just clicked. The instinctual trust i had in Him, the desire to serve and to be led just came together and fell into place. i am comforted by His words and took them to heart so i don't have to worry about what i was thinking. i will just know. i felt profoundly better after speaking with Him and letting Him know why i was all out of sorts and my excitement in my journey somehow feels re-newed. i contribute that to a sudden lack of self-imposed stress. It is amazing what one will do to ones self at times. The lesson learned here is if i am feeling sad or confused, while it is good to try and cheer myself up, it is also important that i tell Sir. He reiterated that i can ask Him any question i may have. i apologized to Him a few times for causing such a disruption and making Him worry. In my desire to not make Him worry, i ended up doing just that. From now on, if something is really bothering me, i will go to Sir first and save us both the stress.