Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Choices continued

i made a rather huge mistake last night. i was making dinner and chatting with Sir when i started to smell something was burning. i rather hurriedly asked Sir if i could be excused for a min, and i left without waiting until permission was given. There was no excuse for my actions. None at all. When Sir pointed this out i was in shock that i could do such a thing and worse not even think about it. I felt awful. He asked what had happened and i explained. He was very upset and He had every right. He asked me if i burnt my dinner and i told Him that i did. He then instructed me to crawl to my bedroom and get dressed and then i was to make myself something to eat and not come back until i had done so. i asked Him if He wanted me to adjust the web cam and He told me no. I can't begin to tell you how much that hurt. In my mind that equated to Him turning His back on me, refusing to even look at me. i almost started crying as i was crawling. i was torn between two mindsets. One was, "i should accept this gracefully and without tears, for i know i deserve it". The other was going, "But if i hide my pain and remorse behind gracefulness then i am not really submitting- i am not giving all of myself, instead i am putting back up walls so i don't feel hurt" That realization made me stop- literally. Then i made yet another choice with my submission. i chose to feel. i hated it, and it hurt. What i had done and how bad i made Sir feel by showing Him total disrespect hit all at once and i wanted to run and become coldly logical, but i chose to feel the emotional pain. i was still crying when i got back on the cam, and Sir began to question me on my actions, again pointing out that my actions were not of a submissive. Sir also told me that since i left the room concerned that something was burning He would not punish me further other than having me focus on this aspect alone during my meditation. i was to concentrate soley on my total disrespect in just taking for granted His easy playful manner with me. After giving me my instructions He had me apologize again. Doing my meditation made me sad because i had to reflect on every thing that i had done wrong and how disrespectful i had been with Sir. Making choices from my submission is not always easy and i never know when i will have to make a tough decision. i know that as always, making these choices will make my connection to my submissive core deeper and stronger. Which in the end is why i am on this path of discovery with Sir.