Thursday, May 17, 2007

Chamber Pot Training

Sir decided it was time for me to start my training on something new. The chamber pot. i couldn't do it... i honestly felt very embarrassed. i am not sure why but i did. i almost felt like crying. This was obviously something i had a problem doing when it came down to it. In my mind before hand i was okay with using it.. no big deal. i can use the restroom with the door open but all i could think is that i was spread open, squatting, it was deadly quiet so i knew Sir would be able to hear me pee (i was only 4 feet in front of Him in His living room on the floor) and He just stared at me. i honestly tried but i just couldn't. So Sir had me drink the rest of my coffee and some water to help have to use the restroom even more. The first time i sat there all i could think about was how embarrassed i was... i realize now i wasn't using my submission. The second time i tried i refused to move. Sir even gave me an out and told me if i had to go that badly but i couldn't in front of Him i could use the toilet. That only spurred me on further and thus started the competition against myself. my mindset became that of submission and determination. It got to the point that my calves were starting to hurt, my feet and ankles were numb and i was fighting against the feeling of embarrassment. But i would not budge until i had completed the task which Sir set forth for me. i am not sure if that is submission or not, i only know that i was determined to do what He had told me to, i wanted so badly to please Him, despite how i was feeling. Eventually i found that space in my head where embarrassment is not present, no battle going on in my head, there is just my submission. Sir could have commanded me to use the toilet and i would have, but somehow i think Sir knew what was going on in my head and He allowed me the time i needed. i won't lie, i would have been quite upset with myself if He had made me use the toilet, i would have felt like i failed, and with something that is really no big deal. But i did eventually pee and although i was a little drained from the experience (no pun was incredibly happy that i was able to use my submission in that manner. Even though it was hard to do, i know that is how my submission grows and becomes stronger. Sir made me feel better about taking so long by making a few jokes about it and i was able to laugh about it myself. Although i did tell myself that next time i would do so much better. But that is in another blog so you'll just have to wait. lol